I’m not Canadian, but I AM older than thirty years. I’m also fond of Shel Silverstein’s poetry, so I got it.
Congratulations on getting post number 1900. I suspect there will be a fresh influx pretty soon (I got the notion that people were holding back in order to capture the slot you got).
BTW, welcome to the SDMB. Have a look around, make yourself at home, join us in fighting some ignorance (that’s what we like to call the other thing we do around here, along with hosting this monster).
And now the story is complete with the addition of chapters 4 and 5.
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1279369&chapter=4
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1279369&chapter=5
For the Buffy geeks, here’s a Joss Whedon one for ya.
Baggins the Ring Slayer
Season 2, Episode 1: When Frodo Was Bad
…
Cut outside. Frodo exits Caras Galadon and walks down a wooded path at a quick pace. Aragordelia follows him out.
Aragordelia: Frodo. (Frodo stops) You’re really campaigning for tortured-soul-of-the-year, aren’t you?
Frodo: (turns to face her) As defending champion, you nervous?
Aragordelia: I can hold my own. You know, we’ve never really been close, which is nice, 'cause I don’t really like you that much, but… you’re supposed to be saving the world and stuff, so I’m gonna…do you a favor.
Frodo: And this great favor is…
Aragordelia: I’m gonna give you some advice. Get over it.
Frodo: Excuse me?
Aragordelia: Whatever is causing the Galadriel 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner hobbit, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you’re not even gonna have the loser friends you’ve got now.
Frodo: I think it’s about time you start minding your own business.
Aragordelia: It’s long past.
Frodo: (turns and goes) Nighty-night. (flips up the hood of his cloak)
…
Cut to Caras Galadon. Gandalf is getting himself a miruvor.
Pillow: He’s possessed!
Gandalf: Possessed?
Pillow: That’s the only explanation that makes any sense. I mean, you should’ve seen him last night. That wasn’t Frodo.
Xam: Are we overlooking the idea that he may be very attracted to me? (gets looks from the others and concedes) He’s possessed.
Gandalf: Possessed by what?
Xam: Well, you’re the expert. Hey, maybe when the Nazgul stabbed him with that Morgul blade, some…mystical bad guy transference thing happened.
Pillow: That’s what it was! I mean, why else would he be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
Gandalf: Pillow, I think we’re all a little too old to be spelling things out.
Xam: A bitca?
Thanks, dudes! I’m totally working on it, but I was kinda in a funk all weekend (stupid taxes:mad: ). But I’m in a much better place now, emotionally, and I’ll, like, totally get the next chapter up soon. Don’t freak, 'kay? 
Welcome to this thread, Shahrazad. I like your LOTR parody, Buffy-style. Pretty good. Hope to see more of it.
If Guy Gavriel Kay wrote The Lord Of The Rings, Frodo and Gollum would struggle for the ring, and one of them would fall into the cracks of doom, but we wouldn’t find out which one until three chapters later.
OK, folks. I haven’t made an appearance on this thread since page 30, but here goes nothin’…
THE ULTIMATE LOTR MONTY PYTHON BIT (PART I)
Long, long ago in a valley far, far away in the Shire, there lived the most contented people the world had ever known. They were called Hobbits, and in Hobbiton lived a wealthy old Hobbit named Bilbo. Bilbo threw a party, and all his kinsmen flourished and were happy, and there were no discontents or grumblers, because the wise old hobbit had them all put to death, along with the trade union leaders, many years before. And all the good, happy folk of the Shire sang and danced all evening long until Bilbo put on his magic invisibility ring and gave them all the slip.
And while the good folk of the Shire tenaciously frolicked away, the wise old wizard, Gandalf, who was a merry old thing blew strange smoky shapes from his wooden pipe up in the beautiful hobbit-hole where Bilbo lived with his gracious nephew, Frodo, and their pudgy gardener, Samwise Gamgee, who had fabulous tits, and an enchanting smile, and a penchant for eavesdropping, if you take my meaning. Well, Bilbo treasured his ring, which was made of an undecorated loop of gold, and he played with it every day. And next to his ring, his dearest love was Frodo. He would take Frodo for long walks through the country, and regale him with strange tales of faraway lands. To Frodo, he left everything, even the ring, when Gandalf gave him a little nudge out of the door before leaving, himself.
One day, while Frodo and Samwise were drinking at the local pub and Frodo’s cousins Merry and Pippin were raising their voices in song, Gandalf returned out of the blue. Gandalf had naturally assumed the ring to be the One Ring, so he had traveled to Gondor, looked it up in the Observer’s Book of Magic Rings, and learned the secret that only fire can tell. To Frodo, he went and introduced the subject of the Ring, and in what seemed like the twinkling of an eye, but was in fact a fortnight, Frodo and Samwise were on their way to Bree with Merry and Pippin while Gandalf went to Saruman to find out what to do next.
SARUMAN: (playing strange songs on his Hammond® organ) “Yaw dee buggedy! Rum-ping f’too! Ni! Ni! Niiii! YOWWWW!!!”
GANDALF: “Hello, Saruman. I’ve found the One Ring.”
SARUMAN: “You are certain of this?”
GANDALF: “Beyond any doubt.”
SARUMAN: “And it’s in the book?”
GANDALF: “And in the foreword.”
SARUMAN: “All right, Gandalf. We must join with Sauron. It would be wise, my friend.”
GANDALF: “Tell me, ‘friend,’ when did Saruman the wise abandon reason for madness?”
So the brave wizard, Gandalf, armed only with his magic staff, got himself flung into the highest reaches of the tower and imprisoned, which only goes to show. The moral of the story is: “smoking can ruin your health.”
Thus it was that when things were looking bleakest, Frodo was hauled away by Strider, a strange man who’d done nothing in Bree but stare at him all night.
FRODO: “What do you want?”
STRIDER: “A little more caution from you; that is no mere trinket you carry.”
FRODO: “I carry nothing!”
STRIDER: “Indeed. I can avoid being seen if I wish, but to become invisible! That is a rare gift.”
FRODO: “Who are you?”
STRIDER: “Are you frightened?”
FRODO: “What? Of course I’m frightened! Egad, I wasn’t expecting Sauron’s Inquisition!”
WHOOSH!!! <Cut to four ringwraiths bursting into a room>
RINGWRAITH #1: “Nobody expects Lord Sauron’s Inquisition! Our weapons are surprise… surprise and fear… fear and surprise… Our two weapons are fear, and surprise, and ruthless efficiency… our THREE weapons are fear, and surprise, and ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to Sauron… ah! AMONGST our weapons are fear, surprise, ru- …amongst our WEAPONRY are such elements as fear… oh, forget it, we’ll come in again.”
<Ringwraiths exit; cut to Frodo back in Strider’s room>
FRODO: (sounding bored) “I didn’t expect Sauron’s Inquisition.”
WHOOSH!!! <Cut back to same four ringwraiths bursting into a room>
RINGWRAITH #1: “NNNNNNobody expects Lord Sauron’s Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to Sauron and… ugh! It’s no good! (to Ringwraith #2) You’ll have to say it.”
RINGWRAITH #2: “What me?”
RINGWRAITH #1: “Never mind! Okay! Our weapons are fear, surprise, and blah-blah-blah-blah-blah… now read the charges!”
RINGWRAITH #3: “One pound for a full sketch, 25p for a quickie.”
RINGWRAITH #1: “What’ll you have?”
RINGWRAITH #4: “Um… they’re not here. These are just pillows!”
RINGWRAITHS: “SCREEEEEEEEEEECCHH!!!”
So Strider led the Hobbits through the stinking, festering swamplands as far as the eye can see, and over the river and through the woods to Elrond’s house they went, though Frodo took a shot in the arm from a ringwraith for his trouble. Eventually, Arwen showed up to help get Frodo and the Ring to her father.
SAMWISE: “Hey! My dear man!”
ARWEN: “Elf!”
SAMWISE: “Elf… Sorry. Where are you taking him? Those wraiths are still out there!”
ARWEN: “I’ve got breasts.”
SAMWISE: “What?”
ARWEN: “I’ve got breasts. I’m a maiden, not a man.”
SAMWISE: “Well I can’t just call you ‘elf.’”
ARWEN: “You could say ‘Arwen.’”
SAMWISE: “I didn’t know you were called Arwen.”
ARWEN: “Well, you didn’t bother to ask, did you?”
ARAGORN: “I’ll go on ahead with Frodo. You stay with the Hobbits… he did say ‘sorry’ about the ‘man,’ but without a substantial rack, from the side you look like…”
ARWEN: “What I object to is you automatically treating me like an inferior.”
ARAGORN: “Well I am king.”
ARWEN: “Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how’d you get that, eh? By exploiting Gondor! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma, which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society; a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes…
ARAGORN: “Oh, there you go bringing class into it again! And isn’t Elrond your lord?”
ARWEN: “No! We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week…”
ARAGORN: “Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!”
MERRY: (turns to Arwen in disbelief) “Order, eh? Who does he think he is?”
ARAGORN: “I am your king,”
MERRY: “Well, I didn’t vote for you.”
ARAGORN: “You don’t vote for kings.”
MERRY: “How’d you become king, then?”
ARAGORN: (with a distant, faraway look) “Gilraen, my mother, entrusted my care to the elves and bestowed upon me the shards of Narsil, signifying by right of birth that I, Aragorn, was to carry it. That is why I am your king.”
ARWEN: “Listen, single mothers on welfare distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not some farcical Oedipus complex!”
ARAGORN: “Be quiet!”
ARWEN: “I mean, you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because your unwed mother threw a sword at you.”
ARAGORN: “Shut up! Will you shut up?!?!”
ARWEN: “If I went around saying I was an empress just because some bastard-bearing bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they’d put me away!”
ARAGORN: “You know, if I marry you, you’ll be queen.”
ARWEN: “Oh, in that case, off I go! See you soon, honey!”
Thus, Frodo and his woolly-footed companions came at last to Rivendell, and Elrond held a council to find out what could be done. Even Gandalf made it, if you can believe that. Much discussion followed, culminating in…
ARAGORN: “You cannot wield it! None of us can.”
BOROMIR: “Ah, I hadn’t fully divined your attitude toward the ring. Pity. Mind you, this one’s a real beaut. None of your ‘turn-me-into-a-wraith-and-I’ll-screech-like-a-kiwi-with-a-sore-throat’ business with this one! My entire life has been leading up to this.”
GANDALF: “Yes, but we must destroy it.”
BOROMIR: “Well, may I ask you to reconsider? You wouldn’t regret it. Think of the tourist trade!”
GANDALF: “I’m sorry, but we must destroy it, not create a new dark lord.”
BOROMIR: <sighs> “Yes, well that’s exactly the sort of blinking Philistine pig-ignorance I’ve come to expect from you non-creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome, spotty behinds squeezing blackheads not caring a tinker’s cuss for Gondor’s struggles, you excrement! You whining, hypocritical toadies with your colorful clothes and your Tony Jackman golf clubs, and your bleedin’ Fellowship secret handshakes! (shouting) You wouldn’t let me join, you blackballing bastards! Why, I wouldn’t join the Fellowship now if you went down on your lousy stinking knees and begged me!”
ELROND: “Well, uh… we’re sorry that you feel that way, but we must destroy this ring, nice though it is.”
BOROMIR: (regretfully) “Oh, sod the ring! If any of you could put in a word for me I’d LOVE to be in the Fellowship! The Fellowship opens doors! I’d be very quiet! I was a bit on edge just now, but if I were in the Fellowship, I’d sit in the back and not get in anyone’s way.”
ELROND: “Oh, very well. You shall be in the Fellowship of the Ring!”
ARAGORN: “The Fellowship!”
GIMLI: “The Fellowship!”
LEGOLAS: “The Fellowship!”
PIPPEN: “Right. Where’re we going?”
MERRY: “Shhh!”
MEMBERS OF THE FELLOWSHIP
(To the tune of “Knights of the Round Table”)
*We’re members of the Fellowship!
With Frodo, he’s a mellow dip
We eat up scenes with travel schemes
And snow like white marshmallow-whip!
We cannot get over Car-ad-hras
With Saruman blocking the *&^%$#ing pass!
We’re members of the Fellowship!
Old Bo… romir’s… a yellow git!
In Moria, In Khazad-dûm
Poor Gimli does his bellow bit!
The goblins launch attacks on us!
They try to smash and hack on us!
In war we’re tough and able!
Quite in-de-fat-i-gable!
When Gandalf downs the Balrog clown
It still can turn the tables!
Poor old Gandalf, you cannot win!
“Fly… you… fools…! I’m… falling innn…!”*
And so the Fellowship continued on to Lothlórien. Legolas may not have had the heart to tell you what the song of lament was for Gandalf because, for him, the grief was still to near, but here it is in full translation:
GANDALD MITHRANDIR
(To the tune of “Henry Kissinger”)
*Gandalf Mithrandir,
How I’m missin’ ya!
You’re the wizard of my dreams!
With your wooden staff,
And your hearty laugh,
And your funny half-
Wit schemes!
All right, so it would seem you bit the dust
But you had nicer legs than Arwen
And just as big a bust
Gandalf Mithrandir,
How I’m missin’ ya
And wishing you were here!*
TO BE CONTINUED
Mind if I try my hand at one?
IF JOSS WHEDON HAD WRITTEN LOTR
DISCLAIMER: I do not own ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ and/or ‘The Lord of the Rings’.
‘LEGSY THE ORC SLAYER’ [SLASH}
Scene: The Bronze. It is filled with the usual crowd. A beautiful blond Elf opens the door and enters. His long hair is a bit messy and there are a few smudges on his lovely face from having slain a gang of Orcs. [And since Joss Whedon supposedly wrote this, Orcs turn into a cloud of dust when they are slain.]
LEGSY (thinking to himself): I hope I’m not too late. Is he still here?
Aragorn the tall dark-haired mysterious stranger who a few days ago met Legsy for the first time is waiting for the beautiful blond Elf, the Chosen One. Suddenly a tall gorgeous brunette swoops over and drapes herself over Aragorn.
ARWENELIA: Hello, handsome. Buy me a drink? Or how about asking me to dance?
ARAGORN: Huh? Oh, hello. I’m waiting for someone.
ARWENELIA: You mean you WERE waiting for someone. Here I am, you lucky hunk, you!
Legsy sees Arwenelia clinging to Aragorn with her face a mere two inches from the handsome face of Aragorn. Legsy notices how sexy and alluring Arwenelia is looking this evening.
LEGSY (thinking to himself): I feel so ugly compared to her. I should just leave before Aragorn sees me.
But it is too late. Aragorn looks up and sees Legsy. He pries Arwenelia’s hands off of himself and smiles apologetically to her.
ARAGORN: Legsy!
He rushes over to meet the Elf.
ARAGORN (thinking to himself): When will I work up the courage to tell him that I love him?
If one of those ill-trained crap romance writers at HArlequin wrote LOTR:
Aragorn groaned and let a colorful expletive fly from his lips, as he watched Arwen talking seductively to Frodo, her sinuous curves poured into a black gown that he longed to rip off with his teeth, as his hands explored the paradise of her body.
He felt his body responding to the image in his mind, and suddenly realised that he had never felt this intense about a woman before. Striding towards Arwen, he spoke tersely, “I need to talk to you”, and then, looking pointedly at Frodo with his onyx eyes, he added “alone.”
Unable to resist the lure of his sensuous mouth, and piercing eyes, now flinty chips in his stony face, she allowed herself to be led out of the room. “In the car” he ordered. She obeyed, and asked “Aragorn, where are you taking me?”. “Home” was the terse reply. “But…my apartment is in the opposite direction”, she said tremulously. “I know. We’re going home, Arwen…my home” he said, allowing some of the tenderness he felt to show in his face…the face that she loved so much…had missed so deeply. Arwen felt her body react to Aragorn’s obvious desire. “Stop the car”, she said in a voice husky with lust, “I want you Aragorn…I want you here…now”. He pulled over and dragged her roughly to him, his lips crushing hers, until all he could see…taste…feel…was Arwen. His Arwen. It was like coming home again.
Someone’s been reading Harlequin’s. 
From what I remember from readnig my Mom’s years ago for want of anything to read, you *nailed *that.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ and/or ‘The Lord of the Rings’.
‘LEGSY THE ORC SLAYER’
VOICE OF GANDALF: Previously on Legsy the Org Slayer:
Scene: It is Legsy’s first day at this school. He enters the school library. He sees an old man behind the counter.
LEGSY: Hello. Are you the librarian?
GANDALF: Yes, I am.
Gandalf’s eyes widen when he sees Legsy.
LEGSY: I’m Legsy Greenleaf. It’s my first day here, so I’m here to get the books I’ll need for my classes.
GANDALF: Yes. Yes, indeed. I know exactly which book you’ll need.
The librarian ducks down behind the counter, then comes back up holding a very thick ancient book. He places it on the counter. Legsy’s eyes widen in horror when he reads the cover: ORCS
LEGSY: There’s some mistake. That’s not a book I’d need.
GANDALF: But you are the Chosen One. Legsy Greenleaf, right?
LEGSY (thinking to himself): I thought I could make a fresh start here by transferring to this school! Aagghh! Please, no more Orcs!
Jump to next scene.
Scene: School Library. Legsy, Gandalf and the rest of the ‘Scooby gang’ are meeting to discuss what evil they must face next.
GANDALF: According to the Wizards’ Council someone is crossbreeding Orcs with Goblins to create a hybrid creature that can come out in the daylight and travel very, very quickly.
LEGSY: So much for only having to deal with fighting Orcs at night.
Jump to next scene.
Scene: Hallway in the school.
PRINCIPAL WORMTONGUE: You’re trouble, Legsy Greenleaf. I can smell trouble a mile away, and I know it’s only a matter of time before you’ll do something that’ll give me a good reason to expel you from this school.
LEGSY: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Principal Wormtongue. I’m just a regular student here to get an education.
PRINCIPAL WORMTONGUE: Don’t put on this innocent act with me. I’ve got my eye on you.
This isn’t exactly as I wanted it to be, but it’s close enough.
Note: Not all of these are mine. Some of them were originally part of a thread as Sf-Fandom, where I am also a member, and are known over there as the Dude Monologues. I recognized the orginal authors where appropriate.
The Shire
(Frodo is sitting in a field “reading” a “book”, yeah right, when he hears Gandalf coming up the road and runs out to meet him)
Frodo: You’re late, dude.
Gandalf: No way, little dude. Like, wizards are never late or early. We arrive precisely when we run out of weed, man.
(They bust up laughing)
Frodo: It’s so awesome to see you, dude.
Gandalf: I know. I am rather studdly.
Frodo: Whatever, dude. Like, let me ride around with you for awhile and tell me about sh**.
Gandalf: You’re, like, way too curious for a hobbit, little dude.
Frodo: Yeah, and it’s all your fault, man. We were, like, respected once, you know. And then you come along and screw it all up.
Gandalf: Dude, I think I’m gonna cry.
Frodo: Really?
Gandalf: Sike!
Frodo: Ah, bite me. (Walks away)
Gandalf: Like, be careful what you wish for, little dude.
Very Old Friends
(Gandalf arrives at Bag-End, and knocks on Bilbo’s door.)
Bilbo (from inside): Go away dude. I, like, so don’t want any visitors right now, man.
Gandalf: Not even your bestest best bud, dude? That is so not cool.
Bilbo (opens door): Gandalf? Dude! (They hug)
Gandalf: Dude, you, like, get plastic surgery or something, bro? You look awesome.
Bilbo: Naw, dude. It’s the weed. Keeps you young, bro.
Gandalf: Dude, I must not be smokin’ enough. Bogus.
Bilbo: Come on in, man. See what I did with the pad.
(Enter Bag End)
Bilbo: I don’t know about you, bro, but I’ve got some major munchies. You hungry dude? Thirsty? I can hook you up with some wicked narly ale, man.
Gandalf: Naw, I’m cool dude.
(They go into kitchen and sit down. Bilbo serves tea.)
Gandalf: So, little dude, you still up to your tricks?
Bilbo: Wait till you see what I got planned for tonight, bro. It’s so gonna rule! They’ll be talkin’ about it for, like, forever, man.
Gandalf: So you’re still splitting, bro? Does Frodo know?
Bilbo: Naw, dude, I’m like, too scared to tell him, man. He’ll start crying and sh**, and looking up at me with those big blue eyes of his man, and forget it, bro, I won’t be able to go. But I gotta get outta here, man. I’m, like, going crazy, like my head is about to freakin’ explode, man.
(Bilbo fingers something in pocket)
Gandalf: What you got in your pocket, little dude?
Bilbo: (getting upset) What diff does it make to you man? Just leave me alone, kay?
Gandalf: Ok, ok, geez, just askin’. Don’t your pantyhose all in a bunch. Just chill. Geez.
Bilbo: You’re right. I’m sorry, dude. Won’t happen again.
Gandalf: It’s all good. Just get me some weed, man. We’ll call it even.
A Long Expected Party
(Frodo and Sam are sitting at a table. The DJ is playing The Ramones “I Wanna Be Sedated” and everyone is jamming.)
Frodo: Dude, ask Rosie to dance, already. She so wants to snog you, man.
Sam: You think so, dude?
Frodo: It’s so obvious, bro. She’s, like, totally sweet on you. Go get her, man.
(Pushes Sam onto dance floor. Sam makes his way to Rosie, but Lobelia jumps in front of him and starts grinding him as he tries to get away.)
Frodo (laughing uncontrollably): Dude, that’s sooo not right!
Sam: I’m so gonna kill you I get off this dance floor, dude!
(Elsewhere at the party)
Pippin (inside a tent): Dude?
Merry (hiding behind a cart): Dude?
(They come out of hiding.)
Together: Dude!
Merry: Come on, man, let’s do it, before the Incredibly Old Wiz Dude comes back.
Pippin: Kay.
(Pippin jumps onto cart, grabs a firework. They run into the tent. Pippin lights the fuse.)
Merry: Dude, you’re, like, supposed to stick it in the ground, man.
Pippin: Dude, you sooo didn’t tell me that.
(Firework explodes into a dragon and scares the sh** outta everyone.)
Merry and Pippin: Awesome!
Gandalf: Hey, little dudes, that’s so not cool, man.
Pippin: Busted.
Merry: Bummer.
(Later that night, Bilbo gets up to make his speech)
Bilbo: I, like, only know about half of you dudes, and that’s like half too many, man. I just wanted to say, like, forget you dudes. I’m outta here.
(Takes something from pocket, sticks it on his finger and then disappears)
Hobbits: (in shock) DUDE!
Frodo: That’s so not cool.
Farewell, Dear Bilbo
(Bilbo is running around Bag End packing stuff for a trip. Gandalf appears outta nowhere.)
Gandalf: You, like, think you’re such a wise ass, man.
Bilbo: Dude, did see their faces! I almost bust a gut laughing. Lobelia was totally freaked, man! It was sweet! Hey, do me a fav while I’m gone, bro. Look after Frodo for me, kay?
Gandalf: Consider it done, little dude. You’re leaving him your pad right?
Bilbo: Course.
Gandalf: And your ring, little dude?
Bilbo: (getting upset) Dude, lay off the ring, bro!
Gandalf: I was just asking.
Bilbo: Yeah, well, don’t, kay! Just shut up and leave me alone, man. It’s mine, it came to me, it’s my precious, dude.
Gandalf: You’re, like, acting a little weird about your ring, dude.
Bilbo: You want it for yourself!
Gandalf (fed up): BILBO BAGGINS! (rooms goes dark) DON’T PISS ME OFF MAN! I WAS JUST ASKING! (darkness fades) Geez. Take a chill pill.
Bilbo (scared and whimpering): Dude, there was, like, no reason to go all postal on me man. I’ll leave the ring, kay? Just don’t do that again.
Gandalf: Sorry, dude. I just worry about you bro. I don’t want nothing bad to happen to you.
Bilbo: Really? You mean that?
Gandalf: Course, bro. I LOVE you, man.
Bilbo: I love YOU, man!
(They break down and hug)
Bilbo: Okay, dude, time to mosey. Catch ya later, bro.
(Starts to leave)
Gandalf: Yo, dude, you, like, still got the ring in your pocket.
Bilbo: Oh, yeah, right. (drops ring on floor) I’m outta here, bro.
(Bilbo leaves.)
Gandalf: That is one crazy little dude.
Keep It Secret, Keep It Safe
(A few minutes after Bilbo leaves, Frodo enters)
Frodo: Uncle Dude! Like, that so wasn’t funny, man. Oh, Gandalf. Whatcha doin, bro?
Gandalf: Bilbo’s splitsville, Fro-Dude. But he totally set you up sweet. Even left you his ring.
Frodo: Cool!
Gandalf: But I wouldn’t wear it if I were you, man. Your uncle was, like, totally going psycho over it. Not a good sign. Just, like, keep it out of sight, man, till I get back.
Frodo: You’re leaving? Dude, you just got here.
Gandalf: Don’t question the way of wiz-dudes, man, or I’ll squash ya. (Leaves)
Frodo: Whatever. (Runs to a mirror and watches himself disappear and reappear as he puts the ring on and off.) This is soooo bitchin, dude!
The Account of Isildur
(Gandalf arrives at Minas Tirith and goes to the Hall of Records. He goes through a bunch of old papers that, really, if you think about it, should be dust by now. After just a few minutes searching the incredibly clustered room, he finds just the record he’s looking for – convenient, huh?)
Gandalf in voice-over as he reads the record of Isildur’s finding of the ring:
“It came to me. It’s my precious-dude and no one else’s, so take a hike! Yeah, that’s right, dude, get outta here. Elrond’s on crack if he thinks I’m tossing this thing into the Crack of Dude-Doom. It’s so pretty. Pretty. Pretty. Pretty. Dude, like ever notice how if you say the same word over and over it starts to sound really funny? So anyways, it’s pretty. Pretty precious. Pretty. Not as pretty as when the letters of fire were on it when I first cut it off that Sauron bastard’s hand, but still pretty. Pretty……”
(After several pages on which “pretty” is written over and over again)
“……… So anyways, yeah, I threw it in the fire by accident the other night. I was totally wiggin’, but it was all good. And the fiery letters came back! Pretty……”
At the Green Dragon
Merry and Pippin: (standing on table, singing)
Do you think you can stop me and spit in my eye!
Do you think you can love me and leave me to die!
OOOOOOHHHHH, BABY! CAN’T DO THIS TO ME BABY!
JUST GOTTA GET OUT, JUST GOTTA GET RIGHT OUT OF ME YEAH!
Frodo: (joining in)
Ooooooo, oo-yeah, oo-yeah
Nothing really matters
Any one can see
Nothing really matters
All of them together:
Nothing really matters, to meeeeeeee.
Pippin:
Anyway the wind blows.
Ted Sandyman: That’s like, the most bitchinest song ever, man.
Sam: (staring dreamily at Rose) Yeah, it rocks.
Gaffer: Kid Rock?
Sam: No, dude, that’s like a totally different person, bro.
Rose: (coming up to the table, totally crunching on Sam): Can I get you dudes anything?
Sam: Ah…. Aaaaaahhhhh…Sm’alplezy.
Rose: What?
Gaffer: Like, just bring up some more ale, dude.
(Rose leaves.)
Gaffer: Dude, you like, gotta learn how to talk around dudettes, dude.
Sam: (embarrassed) Whatever, dude.
Shadow of the Past
(Gandalf bursts into Bag End. His surprise visit goes unnoticed cuz no one is there. Peeved, he hides in the shadows and waits for Frodo to come home, determined to scare the sh** outta him one way or the other. Frodo shows up a few hours later, totally wasted.)
Frodo (yawns)
Gandalf: (jumping out from shadows) BOOO!!
Frodo: AAAHHHHHH!
Gandalf: Gotcha, dude!
Frodo: That was so not nice, dude. Whatcha doing here, man? Other than annoying me.
Gandalf: Dude, I’ve got some major 411 on your ring bro. Where is your ring?
Frodo: (thinking) Um, it’s ah, like I know it’s definitely around here somewhere, dude, I just can’t remember where. Is that a problem?
(They search for the ring. Frodo finds it in the couch cushions. Gandalf tosses it into the fire)
Frodo: Dude! Are you mental!
Gandalf: Chill, kay. I know what I’m doing, little dude.
(Gandalf takes it from the fire and places it in Frodo’s hands.)
Gandalf: What do you see?
Frodo: Duh, it’s like my ring dude. All burnt and turning red. Asswipe.
Gandalf: Shut your pie hole, little dude. Are there letters?
Frodo: Totally radical, bro! It’s, like, some weird form of elvish! It’s so pretty. Pretty. Pretty.
Gandalf: I soooo don’t want to go through that again, bro.
(Later on in the kitchen)
Gandalf: So, like, your ring’s evil dude. It belongs to the big bad Dark Dude, Sauron, and he’s wicked pissed that you have it.
Frodo: So?
Gandalf: So? So? A lot of so, dude. You, like, gotta get outta here, man.
Frodo: Aw, man! Like, why can’t we just hide it or something dude?
Gandalf: No way that’s gonna work, little dude. Like, they’re already coming to ream your a**. You gotta run.
Frodo: Can’t you just take it, bro? Take it somewhere safe?
Gandalf: No way, bro. It totally clashes with my robes. It’s gotta be you. Now get off your a** and get moving.
(They hear something outside)
Gandalf: Hold on, little dude. I better check that out.
(Goes to window and hits something with staff.)
From outside: Ow! Dude! So rude!
Gandalf: (pulling Sam through window) Dude, talk about rude, much. Spying on people and their private conversations.
Sam: But, like, Frodo screamed, dude. I had to see what was going on.
Gandalf: Whatever, dude. You just volunteered to go along with Frodo to destroy the One Dude-Ring in the big bad Dark Dude’s volcano.
Sam: Aw, man. Bummer.
Leaving the Shire (Posted by Crazy4Orlando)
(Frodo and Sam are at the border of the Shire and the outside world)
Frodo: Dude! Get your *** over this field, man!
Sam: Dude, it’s like, so emotional for me, OK?
Frodo: I’m, like, so annoyed at you, yeah.
Sam: This is like the farthest I’ve been, like, anywhere. I’m like, so gonna cry, dude.
Frodo: Dude, it’s like, OK, bro. Just like, put your feet over here, dude.
Sam: Dude, it’s like so hard.
Frodo: Come on, man. I’ll, like, whack you if you don’t.
(Sam finally crosses the border and soon breaks down)
Sam: Dude, it’s like, I’m so glad you’re here!
Frodo: Dude, it’s like I’m not gay but, like, I love you, man!
(They both sob)
Frodo: Whew! Hey, bro, got any deodorant? I was like, all hugging you and stuff, and like, you were all smelly-ish. DUDE!
Saruman the White
(Gandalf rides up to Isengard. Saruman is waiting for him)
Saruman: Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengard, seeking my counsel, cuz I’m so bitchin’ smart. Aren’t I, dude?
Gandalf: Dude, you sooo rule. (bows)
Saruman: Stop, please.
Gandalf: Kay.
Saruman: Dude, I was being sarcastic.
(Later on, the old wiz dudes are walking around in the garden)
Gandalf: All these years, it’s been in the Shire-Hood, under my very nose.
Saruman: Well, you do have a wickedly huge honker, man.
Gandalf: You’re one to talk, dude.
Saruman: So, where it is now, dude?
Gandalf: Don’t worry, bro, I’ve got it under control.
Saruman: Oh, really?
(Cut to inside Isengard. The old wiz dudes are sitting down, beat.)
Gandalf: (huffing and puffing) Whew, I like, gotta start working out, man.
Saruman: Pay attention, dude. The 9 have already left Minas Morgul. We, like, gotta act quick on this ring thing, bro. So, where’s the ring?
Gandalf: Like, dude, don’t worry about it. That’s so not why I’m here. I’ve been wondering – grey is so Second Age, dude. Do you think I should change? To, like, I don’t know, maybe red or something. Red would be awesome.
Saruman: (fed up) I can’t do this no more, dude. I’m, like, so gonna kick your ass!
(Wickedly funny slow-mo fight. Funny cuz it’s not really in slow mo, they’re just too old to move much faster. Fight ends when Saruman sends Gandalf flying up the tower of Orthanc. BOOM!)
A Short Cut to Mushrooms
(Sam walks out of corn field onto a path cutting through the field. He looks around and sees he’s all alone.)
Sam: Dude! Mr. Frodo! Like, where’d ya go, man?
Frodo: Dude, I’m like right here. Stop freakin’ will ya?
Sam: Sorry, dude. It’s just, Gandalf said if I lost ya he’d kicked my ass majorly and I like so don’t want that to happen, dude.
Frodo: You’re such a wuss sometimes, bro. Like, what’s gonna happen here?
(Just then, Merry and Pippin burst out of nowhere and plunge into Sam and Frodo, knocking them onto the ground.)
Sam: (peeved) Dude!
Frodo: (peeved) Dude!
Pippin: (clueless) Dude!
Merry: (frantic) Dudes! We so gotta haul our asses!
(Everyone gets up and brushes off dirt, when ….)
Farmer Maggot: (from somewhere behind them) You little shheads! Get back here!
(Everyone splits. They come to a sharp cliff, they all stop, except Sam who isn’t paying attention. He knocks them over and they all go flying over the cliff)
Hobbits: DUDE!
(They land at bottom of cliff)
Frodo: Ow.
Merry: Dude, my carrot’s all nasty now! That sucks.
Pippin: Mushrooms!
(They look over and see mushrooms. They all run and start gathering them up.)
Merry: Dude, we’re gonna get soooo high tonight!
(Frodo senses something in the air and looks up road.)
Frodo: Dude, you know like when the hairs on the back of your neck get all prickly and sh?
Sam: Yeah. So?
Frodo: Yeah, so, I think we should get off the road, man.
Merry: Whatever, dude. (continues picking mushrooms.)
Frodo: (totally wigging out) Dudes, get off the road! NOW!
(They all jump down an embankment and hide under a tree)
Pippin: Dude, like, I never noticed how small we were before.
Sam: Can it.
(They all quiet down. Horse steps can be heard on the road. The rider dismounts and comes up to the tree and starts sniffing around.)
The Ring: Duuuuuuuddddddddddeeeeeeeee!
(Frodo, unable to resist the temptation, starts to put on the ring. Sam sees him and stops him. The rider gives up and rides away.)
Pippin: Dude, I think I just wizzed my shorts.
Merry: Shut up, man. Let’s scram before that weird Black Dude comes back.
Bucklebury Ferry
(The hobbits run away to Bucklebury Ferry, which is really a couple of days away, but for the sake of this monologue, it’s just right around the corner)
Merry: To the ferry, hurry!
Black Rider: (in really high-pitched screech) Duuudddddddddeeeeee!
Pippin: Ow. My ears, man. Want to take it down an octave or two?
Frodo: Shut up and run, dude!
(Run to ferry and jump on. Merry starts rowing.)
Black Rider: (stopping just short of plunging into the river) We’ll gotcha dude!
(Rides away and is joined by two other Riders)
Pippin: Dudes, we’re so screwed! Who’s bright idea was this man?
Merry: Yours obviously.
Pippin: That was harsh dude. And no it wasn’t!
**At the Sign of the Prancing Pony **
(Hobbits arrive outside Bree and knock on the gate)
Gatekeeper: What do you little dudes want?
Frodo: Like, we’re here to stay at the inn, dude.
Sam: Yeah, man, it’s raining shloads. Let us in, bro.
Gatekeeper: Whatever, dude.
(Gatekeeper lets them in and they head for the Prancing Pony. They enter the inn.)
Frodo: Yo, dude, down here!
Butterbur: Dude! You’re like, so little man!
Frodo: Do me a fav man, tell Gandalf that Underhill is here to see him.
Butterbur: Gandalf? Gandalf? Oh, yeah, the Incredibly Old Wiz Dude. He left here about 6 months ago, little dude. Ran up a monster tab, too. Dork.
Sam: Now what do we do?
Merry: Duh, we’re, like, in a bar, man. We get wasted, bro!
(Hobbits sit down and drink. Sam notices someone staring at Frodo)
Sam: That dude’s like totally checking you out, bro. Want me to kill him, dude?
Frodo: Naw, we don’t want to be causing no scene dude.
(Suddenly, Frodo hears Pippin at the bar)
Pippin: Dude, like everyone knows Frodo Baggins! And he’s like relations to me dude. I could totally hook up, bro.
Frodo: Pippin!
(Frodo runs over to Pippin, but he trips on his enormous feet and falls flat on his back. The ring jumps out of his hands and slips on his finger. He disappears.)
Pippin: Dude!
Merry: Aw, dude!
Sam: We’re so screwed dude.
Ring: Duuuuuudddddddddeeeeeee!
Eye of Sauron: I see you dude! And I’m gonna get ya!
Frodo: Sh!
(Frodo yanks off ring. Suddenly, someone yanks him from under the table where’s he hiding.)
The rest originally posted by Nisolyn
Strider: Hey you draw too much attention to yourself, little dude. And hey what sorta name is Underhill man? Your name is Baggins dude. Come on.
(He drags Frodo upstairs into a room)
Strider: Hey you know I can, like, hide myself from view, man, whenever I try. But dude to disappear entirely, that is like, such a rare gift man.
Frodo: Yo man, like, who are you?
Strider: Hey little dude, are you like scared?
Frodo: Yeah man I am. I am like so scared s***less!
Strider: Yeah well sorry dude, but that is like, not enough. I know what hunts you, and man, are they scary!
(Foots steps are heard running up the stairs outside. Strider draws his sword as Sam, Merry and Pippin burst in through the door.)
Sam: Hey dude, leave him alone man. Or I’ll have you down on the ground before you can you say ‘Boo’.
Strider: You have a stout heart little dude, but that will like ssssssooooooo not save you…
(Next scene: The hobbits are woken up in the middle of the night by loud screeches…)
Frodo: Yo Strider man, like what the hell are these weird screaming creature-dudes?!?
Strider: They were once like, men - dudes like me, but then Sauron the big dark dude gave them nine rings of power like, and one by one they fell into dark-dudeness. At all times they feel the presence of the One Dude, and man, they will never like stop hunting you. They are the Nazgul, Ring-dudes. Neither living, nor like, dead man. Scary!
What if LotR was written by the writers of The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.?
DISCLAMER: I do not own The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr. and/or The Lord of the Rings.
Scene: The old wild, wild West. We see a tall ruggedly handsome cowboy on a horse. Not just any horse. A horse loyal and smart enough to save the cowboy’s life.
ARAGORN COUNTY, JR. (thinking to himself): Well, here I am still trying to track down Sauron Bly, the murderer of my great (insert ‘great’ here many times) grandfather. I won’t stop until I find him and bring him to justice.
GANDALF POOLE: Aragorn, you’re needed to safely escort a VIP who’s carrying a very important piece of jewelry over to a far away place called Mordor.
ARAGORN COUNTY, JR.: Gandalf, I’m a former Ranger turned Bounty Hunter, not a Bodyguard.
GANDALF POOLE: Please, Aragorn. It’s important. The fate of the world depends on it. The President of the United States insisted that we call upon you to do this.
ARAGORN COUNTY, JR.: The fate of the world depends on my escorting someone carrying a trinket to some place called Mordor? Why not just mail it by Pony Express? Or send it by stagecoach?
GANDALF POOLE: Look, Aragorn, will you do it or not?
ARAGORN COUNTY, JR.: Of course I’ll do it. I was just messing with you. Where’s Lord Boromir? I’d like to have him come along.
GANDALF POOLE: He’s over in the saloon. Can you be ready this afternoon?
ARAGORN COUNTY, JR.: Of course.
GANDALF POOLE: Good. Here’s a packet of information on the person you’ll be escorting. I’ll meet you back here at one o’clock with the VIP and introduce you to him then.
Scene cuts to the saloon. Lord Boromir is there. He and the other customers in the saloon are drinking and enjoying the live entertainment on stage: a beautiful blond singer named Legolas Cousins. Aragorn enters the saloon. He smiles when he sees the singer.
ARAGORN COUNTY, JR. (thinking to himself): Ah, the love of my life.
LORD BOROMIR: Hello, Aragorn. Pull up a chair and enjoy the show.
ARAGORN COUNTY, JR.: Don’t mind if I do. Boromir, I’ve got an assignment that involves travelling to a far away place. Want to come along?
LORD BOROMIR: Details. Give me details and don’t leave out anything. Then I’ll give you my answer.
Aragorn tells Boromir all he knows about the assignment.
LORD BOROMIR: That’s it? Just safely escort some little guy carrying a ring to a place called Mordor? Should be easy.
ARAGORN COUNTY, JR.: So you’ll come along?
LORD BOROMIR: Sure. We’ll split the pay 50/50.
ARAGORN COUNTY, JR.: Of course.
Aragorn smiles as the singer who has finished his number on stage approaches. He and Lord Boromir stand up and remove their hats.
LEGOLAS COUSINS: Hello, fellas. Did you enjoy the show?
LORD BOROMIR: I certainly did. You were great, as usual.
ARAGORN COUNTY, JR.: Hello, Legolas. You look stunningly beautiful, as always.
LEGOLAS COUSINS: Thanks, fellas. How long can you stick around this time, Aragorn, before you have to be running off on some adventure?
ARAGORN COUNTY, JR.: I’m afraid I have to leave this afternoon at one’clock. And Lord Boromir is coming with me. We have an important assignment that the President of the United States wants me to handle. How can I say no to that?
LEGOLAS COUSINS: How’s about I tag along? A fella gets tired of the same old scene day after day after day. I could use some excitement.
ARAGORN COUNTY, JR.: I don’t think that’d be a good idea, Legolas. It might be dangerous. According to the information in this packet Gandalf gave me, Mordor isn’t exactly a tourist attraction. You’d be safer staying here in town where you won’t get your pretty face soiled.
LEGOLAS COUSINS (in an annoyed tone): Please don’t patronize me, Aragorn. I’m quite capable of protecting myself. In fact, I insist on going with you both on this assignment. My intuition tells me you’re going to need my help.
ARAGORN COUNTY, JR. (turning to Lord Boromir): We may as well let Legolas come along. I know from experience there’s no stopping him when he has his mind set on doing something.
LORD BOROMIR: Well, okay, but we’re NOT splitting the pay three-ways on this!
If The Lord of the Rings was made into a movie based on a novel by Alexander Dumas:
Scene: A warm day under the noon sun. Four males have assembled in a clearing near a convent.
ARAGORN (pointing to Legolas): This is the gentleman with whom I am going to fight.
BOROMIR: Why, it is with him I am also going to fight.
LEGOLAS: But not before one o’clock.
GIMLI: And I also am to fight with this gentleman.
LEGOLAS: But not until two o’clock. On guard!
Legolas draws his sword. So does Aragorn.
Suddenly a company of Uruk-Hai Guards of his Eminence, commanded by M. de Lurtz, turns the corner of the convent.
GIMLI and BOROMIR: The cardinal’s Guards! Sheathe your swords, gentlemen!
Heated words are exchanged. Lurtz demands the Muskateers sheathe their weapons and follow him. The Muskateers stand their ground.
LURTZ: We will charge upon you if you disobey.
ARAGORN (half aloud): There are five of them and we are but three.
Aragorn, Boromir, and Gimli instantly draw near one another, while Lurtz draws up his company of Uruk-Hai.
LEGOLAS (turning towards Aragorn and his friends): Gentlemen, allow me to correct your words, if you please. You said you were but three, but it appears to me we are four.
BOROMIR: But you are not one of us.
LEGOLAS: That’s true. I have not the uniform, but I have the spirit. My heart is that of a Musketeer.
Dudes! I was so like, “This excellent-o thread is gettin’ stale, man. Maybe I should chill outta here and, like, write some sci-fi or somethin’.” But then the hipsters posted some, like, rockin’ pieces, and now I’m, like,
Parody is sacred,
Parody is great,
If a post gets flamed here,
Folks get quite irate.
Thanks, dudes and dudettes!
[Author’s note: One of my favorite early episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer was when Anya granted Cordy’s wish. Here’s my twisted spin on it, LOTR-style.]
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer and/or The Lord of the Rings.
ARWENELIA: I wish Legsy Greenleaf had stayed in Mirkwood and had never moved
here to this town!
EOWYN (who is really a vengeance demon): Done!
Everything is changed, as Arwenelia learns over the course of the day. People
are wearing clothes that are drab in color, the parking lot at the high school
is empty, she has no car, and there is an early curfew for everyone. What
shocks her most is when she is told by one of her classmates that Frodo and Sam
are ‘gone’.
Now, in this world created as a result of Arwenelia’s wish, Saruman has found a
way to turn good innocent Hobbits into his evil minions. Arwenelia is about to
meet two of them.
It is still Arwenelia’s first day in this world created as a result of her wish.
The sun has already set hours ago. She is terrified because earlier right after
the sun had set she was chased by Orcs. She runs, then screams when she is
stopped by a short figure who suddenly comes in front of her and grabs her.
When she sees who it is, she stops screaming and breathes a sigh of relief.
ARWENELIA: Sam! Thank goodness! I heard you were gone!
SAMWISE: Gone? Do I look like I’m gone?
ARWENELIA: Sam, what’s happened? Everything is so different! It’s weird.
FRODO (slowly approaching): Oh, pooh. It’s no fun where they’re not screaming.
ARWENELIA (eyes wide when she sees Frodo): Frodo? Wow. That’s a whole new
look on you.
Frodo is no longer wearing his usual country gentleman garments. He is dressed
in a sexy hot black leather jacket and black pants. His demeanor has changed,
too.
Sam puts his arm around Frodo’s shoulder. Frodo rests his head on Sam’s
shoulder.
ARWENELIA: What’s this? I wish us into Bizarro-world and you two are STILL
together? I can’t win!
SAMWISE: You got that right.
Samwise instantly changes into a scary looking Demon-Hobbit with fangs.
Arwenelia screams, turns and runs.
FRODO (smiling): Now that’s more like it.
Samwise chases Cordelia, easily catches up with her, knocks her down to the
ground where she falls, hits her head on the street and is rendered unconscious.
Sam is about to sink his fangs into her when suddenly a van pulls up. The doors
open and out come Boromir wielding a sword and Gimli wielding an ax.
BOROMIR: Get away from her!
SAMWISE: Damn!
Samwise and Frodo scowl, turn and run away into the night.
Boromir and Gimli quickly scoop up Arwenelia and carry her into the back of the
van. They get back inside and the van takes off. Gandalf is behind the
steering wheel.
Scene: Gandalf’s home. Arwenelia is awake and sees Gandalf.
ARWENELIA: Gandalf! Thank goodness you’re here! Wait a second! If you’re
here, then where is Legsy? He should be here, too! He’s the Slayer! And
you’re his Wizard!
GANDALF (stunned): How on earth do you know about that?
ARWENELIA: All right, I admit it! I made a wish! It was stupid, but at the
time it didn’t seem stupid! I made a wish, that new girl in school granted it
somehow, and now everything is different! I wish I had never made that wish!
Things were better before! Sure, it wasn’t perfect, but people were happy!
GANDALF: Let’s go to the school library where I can do some research on this.
Scene jumps to the school library.
Samwise and Frodo suddenly appear. Samwise pushes Gandalf into the caged room,
locks the door. Then he and Frodo kill Arwenelia while Gandalf helplessly
watches in horror. The two evil Demon-Hobbits snicker, toss Arwenelia’s
lifeless body to the floor as if it was an empty snack container, then turn and
saunter out of the library.
Scene jumps back to Gandalf’s home. Boromir and Gimli had found Gandalf, freed
him from the caged room and helped transport the dead body of Arwenelia back to
Gandalf’s home.
BOROMIR: So the world today sucks because this dead chick made a stupid wish?
GANDALF: It would appear so. She said that Legsy was supposed to be here.
That would be the Slayer. I’ll have to make some phone calls to see about
getting him here.
Scene jumps to the Bronze. It is no longer a nightclub filled with happy
customers dancing and drinking. It has been taken over by Orcs and Saruman.
SARUMAN: You two are my best minions.
Samwise and Frodo smile at his approval.
FRODO: Can I play with the puppy now?
SARUMAN: Very well.
Saruman hands him a key.
FRODO: Oh, goodie!
Scene jumps to the basement of the Bronze. We see a large caged room. A
silhouette of a figure lying on the floor of the cage slowly moves when he hears
Frodo approaching.
FRODO: Oh, puppy! Hello, puppy! Your sweet loving Frodo is here to play with
you!
We can now see who is in the cage. It is Aragorn. He is naked from the waist
up, and he is chained to the wall. He is not happy to see who his visitor is.
Frodo uses the key that Saruman gave him to open the cage door. He smiles as he
walks closer to Aragorn.
FRODO: We’re going to have fun, aren’t we, puppy?
Aragorn glares at the evil Demon-Hobbit, for he has a pretty good idea what is
in store for him.
Scene jumps to the dark streets where we see Gandalf’s van. The Wizard, Boromir
and Gimli are in the middle of rescuing some civilians from Orcs when they are
jumped by more Orcs. The Wizard and his friends are about to be defeated when
suddenly arrows come flying, hit the Orcs who then scream and disappear into
clouds of dust. Gandalf looks up in surprise and sees a tall, blond Elf.
LEGSY: You called for a Slayer?
Scene jumps to the basement of the Bronze. Legsy enters. He is searching for
clues on finding Saruman and the Orcs. The Elf sees a dark silhouette lying in
the large caged room.
ARAGORN: Legsy!
Legsy is surprised to hear his name called out like that.
LEGSY: Do I know you?
ARAGORN: No, but I know of you. Let me out of here, please.
LEGSY: Why should I? You must be locked up in there for a reason.
ARAGORN: It’s not a good reason. Please, Legsy. I can help you find Saruman!
I know where he is! Believe me, you and I are on the same side!
LEGSY: Why should I believe you?
ARAGORN: Would you believe what he did to me?
Aragorn moves into the light so Legsy can see the burn wounds on his chest.
Legsy frees Aragorn from the cage.
TO BE CONTINUED
:smack:
Samwise chases Cordelia, easily catches up with her, knocks her down to the
ground where she falls, hits her head on the street and is rendered unconscious
I meant: Samwise chases Arwenelia.
Gah!!!
Mmmm! Aragorn naked from the waist up and chained to the wall? drool! Viggo, Viggo, Viggo! Yummy!
[Author’s note: I made it funnier this time. See what Frodo really does to Aragorn in the cage. ]
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer and/or The Lord of the Rings.
ARWENELIA: I wish Legsy Greenleaf had stayed in Mirkwood and had never moved here to this town!
EOWYN (who is really a vengeance demon): Done!
Everything is changed, as Arwenelia learns over the course of the day. People are wearing clothes that are drab in color, the parking lot at the high school is empty, she has no car, and there is an early curfew for everyone. What shocks her most is when she is told by one of her classmates that Frodo and Sam are ‘gone’.
Now, in this world created as a result of Arwenelia’s wish, Saruman has found a way to turn good innocent Hobbits into his evil minions. Arwenelia is about to meet two of them.
It is still Arwenelia’s first day in this world created as a result of her wish. The sun has already set hours ago. She is terrified because earlier right after the sun had set she was chased by Orcs. She runs, then screams when she is stopped by a short figure who suddenly comes in front of her and grabs her. When she sees who it is, she stops screaming and breathes a sigh of relief.
ARWENELIA: Sam! Thank goodness! I heard you were gone!
SAMWISE: Gone? Do I look like I’m gone?
ARWENELIA: Sam, what’s happened? Everything is so different! It’s weird.
FRODO (slowly approaching): Oh, pooh. It’s no fun when they’re not screaming.
ARWENELIA (eyes wide when she sees Frodo): Frodo? Wow. That’s a whole new look on you.
Frodo is no longer wearing his usual country gentleman garments. He is dressed in a sexy hot black leather jacket and black pants. His demeanor has changed, too.
Sam puts his arm around Frodo’s shoulder. Frodo rests his head on Sam’s shoulder.
ARWENELIA: What’s this? I wish us into Bizarro-world and you two are STILL together? I can’t win!
SAMWISE: You got that right.
Samwise instantly changes into a scary looking Demon-Hobbit with fangs. Arwenelia screams, turns and runs.
FRODO (smiling): Now that’s more like it.
Samwise chases Arwenelia, easily catches up with her, knocks her down to the ground where she falls, hits her head on the street and is rendered unconscious. Sam is about to sink his fangs into her when suddenly a van pulls up. The doors open and out come Boromir wielding a sword and Gimli wielding an ax.
BOROMIR: Get away from her!
SAMWISE: Damn!
Samwise and Frodo scowl, turn and run away into the night.
Boromir and Gimli quickly scoop up Arwenelia and carry her into the back of the van. They get back inside and the van takes off. Gandalf is behind the steering wheel.
Scene: Gandalf’s home. Arwenelia is awake and sees Gandalf.
ARWENELIA: Gandalf! Thank goodness you’re here! Wait a second! If you’re here, then where is Legsy? He should be here, too! He’s the Slayer! And you’re his Wizard!
GANDALF (stunned): How on earth do you know about that?
ARWENELIA: All right, I admit it! I made a wish! It was stupid, but at the time it didn’t seem stupid! I made a wish, that new girl in school granted it somehow, and now everything is different! I wish I had never made that wish! Things were better before! Sure, it wasn’t perfect, but people were happy!
GANDALF: Let’s go to the school library where I can do some research on this.
Scene jumps to the school library.
Samwise and Frodo suddenly appear. Samwise pushes Gandalf into the caged room and locks the door. Then he and Frodo kill Arwenelia while Gandalf helplessly watches in horror. The two evil Demon-Hobbits snicker, toss Arwenelia’s lifeless body to the floor as if it was an empty snack container, then turn and saunter out of the library.
Scene jumps back to Gandalf’s home. Boromir and Gimli had found Gandalf, freed him from the caged room and helped transport the dead body of Arwenelia back to Gandalf’s home.
BOROMIR: So the world today sucks because this dead chick made a stupid wish?
GANDALF: It would appear so. She said that Legsy was supposed to be here. That would be the Slayer. I’ll have to make some phone calls to see about getting him here.
Scene jumps to the Bronze. It is no longer a nightclub filled with happy customers dancing and drinking. It has been taken over by Orcs and Saruman.
SARUMAN: You two are my best minions.
Samwise and Frodo smile at his approval.
FRODO: Can I play with the puppy now?
SARUMAN: Very well.
Saruman hands him a key.
FRODO: Oh, goodie!
Scene jumps to the basement of the Bronze. We see a large caged room. A silhouette of a figure lying on the floor of the cage slowly moves when he hears Frodo approaching.
FRODO: Oh, puppy! Hello, puppy! Your sweet loving Frodo is here to play with you!
We can now see who is in the cage. It is Aragorn. He is naked from the waist up, and he is chained to the wall. He is not happy to see who his visitor is.
Frodo uses the key that Saruman gave him to open the cage door. He smiles as he walks closer to Aragorn. Frodo carries something behind his back that he does not allow Aragorn to see just yet.
FRODO: We’re going to have fun, aren’t we, puppy?
Aragorn glares at the evil Demon-Hobbit, for he has a pretty good idea what is in store for him. Frodo now shows Aragorn what it is he was carrying behind his back.
ARAGORN (thinking to himself): NO!
Scene jumps to the dark streets where we see Gandalf’s van. The Wizard, Boromir and Gimli are in the middle of rescuing some civilians from Orcs when they are jumped by more Orcs. The Wizard and his friends are about to be defeated when suddenly arrows come flying, hit the Orcs who then scream and disappear into clouds of dust. Gandalf looks up in surprise and sees a tall blond Elf.
LEGSY: You called for a Slayer?
Scene jumps to the basement of the Bronze. Legsy enters. He is searching for clues on finding Saruman and the Orcs. The Elf sees a dark silhouette lying in the large caged room.
ARAGORN: Legsy!
Legsy is surprised to hear his name called out like that.
LEGSY: Do I know you?
ARAGORN: No, but I know of you. Let me out of here, please.
LEGSY: Why should I? You must be locked up in there for a reason.
ARAGORN: It’s not a good reason. Please, Legsy. I can help you find Saruman! I know where he is! Believe me, you and I are on the same side!
LEGSY: Why should I believe you?
ARAGORN: Would you believe what he did to me? Look over there! See that box?
Legsy sees a box on the floor of the cage. He reads aloud the words on the front of the box.
LEGSY: ‘Bow-Wow Bitz’?
ARAGORN: Frickin’ dog biscuits! Saruman let that Demon-Hobbit Frodo force-feed me dog biscuits! The whole frickin’ boxful! That is one sick twisted Demon-Hobbit! You should have heard him cooing and whispering to me to be a good puppy and eat my biscuits! Gah!!!
Legsy stares at Aragorn and shakes his head in pity.
LEGSY: Dude, I gotta get you out of here.
The Elf frees Aragorn from the cage. They rush up the stairs.
LEGSY: So where is Saruman?
TO BE CONTINUED
You’re right, FairyDust. Your version is funnier. Thanks for the phone call earlier.
See you next weekend. Bring more lamb fritters.
And thanks for correcting my typos.