I’m kind of burnt out on the lamb fritters. How about I bring roast chicken instead?
Hey, I wrote a haiku:
I love Aragorn
Played by Viggo Mortensen.
He’s one hot Ranger!
Did you see it? Good thing for Aragorn you made it a box of ‘Bow-Wow Bitz’ instead of a (drum-roll, please)
CARROT!
That Nithy’s got one terrific sense of humor.
I wrote several haikus, but these were the most related to Lord of the Rings:
Legolas puts on
His sexy face and all the
Nazgirls come running.
Merry, Ent-Rider,
Let me help you remove those
Splinters from your ***.
Pretty good haikus!
5-7-5. I find it much easier to write haikus than limericks. I could never get the hang of limericks, but I admire people who can write them. Did you see the thread here in this forum where people massacre pieces of literature with a limerick? Some clever stuff there.
Yeah! I like Aragorn much too much to let it be anything more than Bow-Wow Bitz.
I’ve got an idea on continuing the parody of LOTR 3 Muskateers style. I think I know how to work in the Ring. Interested in seeing it? It might take me a week to work on it, though.
Sure. Knock yourself out. I’m stumped on how to continue it, so have fun with it.
<obligatory quibble> Those are senryu, not haiku. For them to be haiku you need a reference to nature, weather, or the seasons in there. For instance: </obligatory quibble>
Shrouds filled with darkness
Piercing winds at Weathertop
A lone hobbit falls
But Legolas is naturally sexy, and what else is an Ent but a representation of nature?
[Warning: Slash. Humorous slash, but still slash. So skip this if you don’t care for m/m slash pairings.]
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer and/or The Lord of the Rings.
Scene: The basement of the Bronze. Legsy has just finished freeing Aragorn and they are running up the stairs.
LEGSY: So where is Saruman?
ARAGORN: He and the Orcs are on the other side of town in a warehouse that they’ve turned into a factory. I heard them talking about it. Legsy, Saruman has big plans for this factory.
LEGSY: What kind of plans?
ARAGORN: The kind that will make your blood run cold just thinking about it. The people living here in town are doomed unless we stop him!
LEGSY: Details, man. Give me details.
ARAGORN: It’ll be easier if I just show you. Let’s go.
Scene jumps to Gandalf’s home. He is peering at a beautiful necklace and comparing it to an illustration in one of his many books on ancient magic.
GANDALF (thinking to himself): It’s a good thing I had the sense to take this necklace from the dead body of Arwenelia before Boromir and Gimli cremated her. This necklace may hold the key to saving all of us.
The Wizard recites a spell from the book. The necklace glows. Then from the corner of the room a figure appears as if from nowhere. It is Eowyn and her face is that of her true demon self.
EOWYN: How dare you use my necklace to summon me? Do you have any idea of the consequences of a male summoning a vengeance demon?
GANDALF: I had no choice. You’re the only one who can change things back to the way it’s all supposed to be. This is all your doing, isn’t it?
EOWYN: Yes! I had no idea of the magnitude of the changes caused by that girl’s wish. I love it! What makes you think I’m going to help you change it back?
GANDALF: You have no right to do this! I demand you reverse that wish!
EOWYN: No! And you are in no position to make demands on me! Give me back my necklace!
Scene jumps to the other side of town where the factory is. Aragorn and Legsy sneak inside. They see many innocent captives, including Gandalf’s friends Boromir and Gimli who were swept up in a recent capture by the Orcs.
ARAGORN (whispering to Legsy): Legsy, if we both make it out of here alive after this is over, what say we catch a dinner and a show, and then head on over to my place? You’re one hot-looking Slayer.
LEGSY (whispering back to Aragorn): In your dreams, dude.
ARAGORN (whispering to Legsy): I can’t help thinking that in another time and place your answer would be more along the lines of, “I thought you’d never ask!” Or even better, “Let’s skip dinner and the show and just go straight over to your place where you can shag me rotten!”
LEGSY (staring in disbelief, then whispering back to Aragorn): Are we here to stop Saruman or talk about your pervy desires for Elf muffin?
ARAGORN (whispering back to Legsy): All right, all right. But just try to keep an open mind, okay? I’m not a bad-looking dude, am I? Look at me. I’m tall, rugged, muscular, and my face is pleasing to look upon, right?
LEGSY (really annoyed now, whispering back to Aragorn): Can we table this discussion for later?
ARAGORN (whispering back to Legsy): Okay. (pauses) How much later?
LEGSY (rolling his eyes, then whispering back to Aragorn): Gah! All right, already! I’ll go out with you! Now will you please work with me on a plan to stop Saruman?
ARAGORN (grinning): Yes! I knew you couldn’t resist me!
Scene jumps back to Gandalf’s home.
EOWYN: I said give me back my necklace!
GANDALF: Neener-neener-neener! Can’t catch me!
The vengeance demon frantically chases the Wizard around the room as he taunts her and keeps the necklace out of her reach.
EOWYN: You are really pissing me off, old man! Don’t make me do something you’ll regret!
Scene jumps back to the factory where the presence of Aragorn and Legsy has been discovered by Saruman and his minions. All hell breaks loose as the battle ensues between good and evil.
SARUMAN: Get them! Kill them all!
We see the battle in slow motion. Innocent people scream, run and fight as best as they can against Saruman’s minions. Aragorn, Legsy, Boromir and Gimli are the main warriors against Saruman and the evil Demon-Hobbits Frodo and Samwise. We see also Merry and Pippin who were turned into evil Demon-Hobbits.
BOROMIR (thinking to himself): Hard to believe those Hobbits were once our friends and that we shared many good times together. Now we may have to kill them. Can I bring myself to strike the fatal blow? Dear Merry! Dear Pippin! OUCH! That hurt! All right, take THAT, you frickin’ Hobbit!
Together Boromir and Gimli grab Frodo and throw him against the wall where a large sharp piece of broken wood impales the Demon-Hobbit. Frodo turns into a cloud of dust.
Aragorn receives a fatal wound: a long wooden stake driven through his heart.
ARAGORN (gasping his final breath): LEGSY!
But the Slayer is unaware of Aragorn’s demise. He is busy fighting for his own life.
Saruman pushes aside Orcs and people as he moves with determination toward the Slayer. He reaches Legsy, grabs him from behind and with one quick movement, snaps the Elf’s neck, thus ending the life of the Slayer.
Scene jumps back to Gandalf’s home.
EOWYN (out of breath from chasing the Wizard): You fool! What makes you think the world will be any better than the way it is now if you break my necklace?
GANDALF: Because it HAS to be!
He smashes the necklace with a heavy figurine.
EOWYN: NO!!!
Everything changes back to the way it was right before Arwenelia made her wish.
ARWENELIA: I wish Legsy Greenleaf had stayed in Mirkwood and had never moved here to this town!
EOWYN (who is no longer a vengeance demon, but doesn’t realize it yet): Done!
Nothing changes. Eowyn is puzzled.
ARWENELIA: No. I wish Legsy Greenleaf had never been born!
EOWYN: Done!
Still nothing changes.
Arwenelia walks away thinking out loud what else she’d wish for. Eowyn slowly realizes that her powers are gone and she is now an ordinary high school girl.
We see a group of happy students sitting together and laughing: Legsy, Frodo and Samwise - the best of friends.
THE END
A Few Minutes With Gandalf
By Andy Rooney
Palantirs
I really like palantirs, don’t you? Fëanor was really pretty clever to have invented them. But there are some problems with them.
I really hate when I pick up my Palantir and the other person says “hello, who’s this?” Hey, you’re calling me! Who do you think you are, Gorthaur the Cruel? Well, once it was, but not usually.
Some people just have to put their feet up while using the Palantir. Surprisingly, Gimli likes to do this! I don’t know why, there’s not much vertical change for him whether they’re up or down! (I’ll probably have to apologize to dwarves and the ‘height-challenged’ in general for that later.)
Some put really cutesy messages on their palantir, like Radagast. His says “I’m out consorting with Eru’s creatures, but I’ll beeeeeeee right back! I couldn’t bear to miss your call, so please leave a message!” I just think that’s stupid.
Personally, I like to have a notepad to doodle on when I’m using my Palantir. Usually I just draw circles or squares, but sometimes I really go nuts with little pictures of flaming eyes with red lines across them.
I miss the older Palantir models, the ones with cords. They’re all cordless now, and I liked to fiddle with the cord while talking. Sometimes I’d get them so knotted up, then I’d untangle them by letting them spin! Beruthiel’s cats always loved that!
And why so many objections to my using the Palantir on horse-back? Shadowfax knows where he’s going. It’s not like I’m some dang wainrider who’s got to keep one eye on the road and one on the team of unruly beasts! Shadowfax is a Mearas! He knows where he’s going.
And since Aragorn became king, he always has a Royal Servant call me. He’ll say “Get Gandalf on the Palantir”. I pick up, and what do I get? “please hold for King Elessar.” Then I end up waiting for him to come on, when I really didn’t want to talk to him much in the first place. The third age was my age, after all! I’m not running a consulting firm, I’m trying to catch up on my rest, hanging out with Estë’s maidens in Lorien! The original one, not Galadriel’s knock-off! Two thousand years of service to middle-earth, and what do I get? A retirement ring! Big whoop! I asked for a lembas-cake, but nooo…
Anyway, I’m getting a little off-topic.
I’m going to talk to Namo and see if he won’t let Fëanor do a little consulting work from Mandos, and see if he can’t improve the Palantir a bit.
I finally caught up with this thread! 3 months later.
My list of favorites would be too long. Off the top of my head:
The Cremation of Sam Gamgee
the Dr. Suess ones.
All the Gilbert and Sullivan’s
Hobbit’s Got Feet
Wayne’s World
SNL Jeopardy
Leave it to Frodo
the Monty Python ones
Beavis and Butthead
There’s just too many. v v funny stuff.
And now:
Part 3 of the Dudeship of the Ring
Note: Not all of these are mine. Some of them were originally part of a thread at Sf-Fandom, where I am also a member, and are known over there as the Dude Monologues. I recognized the orginal authors where appropriate.
The Midgewater Marshes
(Early next morning. Gang is getting ready to leave Bree.)
Sam: Dudes! I found us a pony. Ain’t he cute?
Merry: I don’t even think it’s breathin’ dude.
Pippin: Hey, look, it’s the Grim Pony!
Bill the Pony: Neeeiiiigh. Punk ass.
Pippin: (doing double take) Dude, I think this weed must be laced or something. (takes a drag on his pipe and blows out smoke) Wicked.
Strider: Like, hurry up, little dudes. We gotta get a move on, pronto.
(They start following him, but stay far behind.)
Merry: I don’t know about this, bro. What makes you so sure we can trust this Ranger-Dude, dude? He looks kinda shifty to me.
Frodo: Why do you always gotta question me, man? We can trust him, kay? Look at him. If the enemy wanted to trick us, he would of, like, sent someone good-looking to throw us off our guard. Is this Strider guy good-looking?
Sam: Yeah, kinda. I mean, he’s built, right? He’s got the whole rugged outdoorsy look goin’ for him. He could use a shave…(stops when he notices Frodo’s glare) Uhhh, no, I mean, he’s like, kinda skanky-looking. Yeah, now that him see in the full light of day, he’s way skanky. Dude, there’s like, no scale by which to measure his degree of skankiness, man. He’s off the charts. He’s the Skank King of Skank-topia. And hello? Does he ever wash his hair?
Pippin: Dudes, like, while I find this discussion riveting, and in no way inappropriate or uncomfortable whatsoever, like, where’s he taking us, bro?
Strider: (having overheard the entire conversation) To Rivendell, dudes. To the pad of Elrond.
Sam: No way dude!
Strider: Way dude.
Sam: (dreamy-like) Ah, dude, we’re going to see the elves!
Frodo: Big whooping deal. Stupid elves.
(Cut to later that morning. The hobbits are setting up camp.)
Strider: Yo, dudes, like, what do you think you’re doing?
Pippin: Eatin’.
Strider: Are you mental? We already ate.
Pippin: Are YOU mental? Like, we soooo haven’t had second breakfast yet.
(Strider rolls his eyes and continues on. The other hobbits get up and start repacking.)
Merry: Must not be a fan of second breakfast. Bummer.
Pippin: I don’t know, dude. Maybe he is evil. How can you not like second breakfast? I mean, really?
(Next day. They’ve entered a swamp.)
Merry: Dude, this is like, totally not good for my complexion. These gnats keep gnawing on my noggin.
Pippin: (falling into mud) This sucks majorly!
Bill the Pony: Neeeiiigh. This blows.
(That night. Hobbits are sleeping. Strider is awake, keeping a look out. He starts to sing.)
Frodo: (waking up) Who’s the babe?
Strider: What, little dude?
Frodo: The babe you’re singing about, dude?
Strider: Tis the Lay of Luthien, bro.
Frodo: Did she get laid a lot?
Strider: Yeah, dude, she like had an enormous rack. Go back to sleep, little dude.
Frodo: Not a prob now, dude.
Yhe Spoiling of Isengard
(Saruman’s outside watching the orcs fell all the trees.)
Saruman: ‘Bout time we get rid of these trees, man. I get so sick of racking up all those freakin’ leaves every fall.
(Shot of Gandalf on top of Orthanc. It’s raining hard and he huddles up to keep warm.)
Gandalf: Sh** dude, I knew I should of put on my thermals.
**A Knife in the Dark (With contributions from Undomiel)
**
(Strider and hobbits come up to a hill with a bunch of really old rocks piled up on top of it.)
Strider: This was once the great party hall of Amon Sol. We’ll crash here tonight.
(Cut to hobbits sitting down and taking of their packs. Strider hands them all swords.)
Pippin: Dude, like, what do we do these?
Merry: Dude, you like take the pointy end, and you point it.
Pippin: Oh.
Strider: Maybe you should just leave ‘em alone till I get back. I’m gonna go scope the joint.
(Cut to later that night. Strider is still gone. Frodo wakes up and notices the big-ass bon fire the other hobbits have built to cook with.)
Frodo: Dude, like, whatcha doing? Signaling ships at sea?! Put it out, dimnuts!
(Stamps out fire. Just then, Strider comes running up.)
Strider: Dude! There’s like, some dark evil dudes of the big bad Dark Dude that shall not be named coming, little dudes!
Frodo: Dude! What are we gonna do?
Strider: Dude! Grab your swords, little dudes!
Merry: Dude! Cool!
Pippin: Yeah dude!
Sam: Wow dude.
(They hear a screech)
Nazgul: <in a high pitched shriek> Duuuudddeeee!!
Strider: Oh NO little dudes! Follow me!
(takes them up to the summit of Weathertop. The Nazgul are surrounding them.)
Frodo: Oh man, dude!
Witch King: We want YOU little dude!
Sam: No way dude! He’s mine dude! (lunges at Nazgul. Nazgul brushes him aside.)
Frodo: No dude!! Help me Ranger-Dude!!
(Nazgul stabs Frodo.)
Frodo: OUCH duuudddddeee!!!
(Strider comes and kicks Nazgul butt.)
Sam: Dude! Is he like, gonna live dude?
Strider: The little dude doesn’t have much time! We must take him to Elrond Dude of Rivendell dude!
Sam: (to Frodo) Oh man, I LOVE you dude!! Don’t die on me!
Merry: Hang on little dude!
Pippin: Oh dude!
Caverns of Isengard
(Moth flys up to Gandalf, who’s still sitting on top of Orthanc. Man, doesn’t that dude do anything?)
Moth: Psst!, Old Wiz Dude!
Gandalf: Hey, dude!
(Sweep down shot from top of Orthanc to the caverns of Isengard, where a bunch of narly looking orcs are making massive amounts of weapons. Uruk-Hai are being bred – how, I sooooo do not wish to know, dude. An Uruk bursts out of his cocoon and like, strangles an orc to death. Sweet!)
Flight to the Ford (with contributions from Undomiel)
(Shot of a bunch of stone trolls)
Sam: Dude, they’re like, still here.
Frodo: (grunts in pain)
Pippin: Oh dude.
Merry: Stop saying that!
(Strider goes to get some athelas plant. Out of nowhere, a sword gets drawn on him.)
Arwen: Dude, you’re, like, gettin’ really bad at this, bro.
(Back at stone trolls. Arwen comes riding up. Frodo checks her out and even in his delirium, manages to get a major woodie.)
Arwen: Frodo, im Arwen. Telin le thaed. Lasto beth nîn, tolo dan nan galad. (Translation: Hey, little dude. I’m Arwen. You look like sh**, bro.)
(Frodo turns away in disappointment. Strider comes up and puts the athelas on his wound.)
Strider: Dude! This will get him to Rivendell!
Sam: Dude, I LOVE you man! (gets all emotional) Strider-dude, you’re like, my HERO, man!
Strider: I love you too, little dude, (they hug) We gotta get Fro-dude some help dude, come on.
(Picks up Frodo and places him on top of Arwen’s horse)
Strider: Dartho guin Beriain. Rych le ad tolthathon. (You stay with the little dudes. I’ll go get help.)
Arwen: Hon mabathon. Rochon ellint im. (No way dude. I’m soooooooo much faster than you are.)
Strider: Andelu i ven. (You, like, always gotta rub that in my face don’t you, dude? That’s so not cool.)
Arwen: Frodo fîr. Ae athradon i hîr, tûr gwaith nîn beriatha hon. (Just shut up and move it before you lose it, bud.)
Strider: Be iest lîn. (Whatever dude.)
Arwen: (jumping onto horse) Noro lim, Asfaloth, noro lim! (Move it horsey-dude! Pronto!)
(Next day. Arwen riding Asfaloth’s ass off. The Nazgul come riding up and give chase. Various shots of way scary chase scene. Finally, they reach the Ford. Arwen crosses and turns to face the Nazgul. She draws her sword.)
Witch King: Give us the halfling, dude.
Arwen: No way dude!
(Nazgul draws their swords and enter river.)
Arwen: Nîn o Chithaeglir lasto beth daer; Rimmo nîn Bruinen dan in Ulaer! (Tidal wave! You’re all washed up dudes! Cowabunga, man!)
(River rises up and washes Nazgul away)
Arwen: I so rule!
Frodo: (goes limp)
Arwen: Whoops. Forgot about the little dude. Giddy up, horsey.
Rivendell
Elrond: Frodo, lasto beth nîn, tolo dan nan galad (Dude, stop being such a drama queen and wake up, man. The Witch King barely even nicked ya.)
(Frodo wakes up.)
Frodo: Ow. My arm.
Gandalf: ‘Bout time you wake up, man.
Frodo: Gandalf! You’re here!
Gandalf: Of course I am, dude. Like, did you seriously think I wanted to do all that trudging around in the wild with the Ranger Dude and a bunch of hobbits?
Frodo: Uhhhhh….
Gandalf: Just joking, dude. Geez, lighten up.
Frodo: Yeah, ok. Like, where were you man?
Gandalf: Oh, I’m sorry, little dude. I got way laid big time. (Looks up into sky absent-mindedly. Fade to flashback:
Saruman: Dude, where’s my ring?
Gandalf: For the last time, I DON’T KNOW!
Saruman: Where’s my ring dude? I know you know.
Gandalf: I’ll never tell you dude!
Saruman: You’re so toast, man.
Gandalf: (seeing Eagle Express coming up behind Saruman) Oh, yeah, well, you’re mama wears Army boots! (jumps off Orthanc and rides away on Eagle)
Saruman: You BI…. (voice fades away as Gandalf gets flown away)
Gandalf: That’ll show him!)
Frodo: Gandalf? Hello? Middle Earth to Wizard Gandalf!
Gandalf: (shakes head) Sorry. Spaced out for awhile there.
Sam: Frodo! Dude! You’re awake! (hugs Frodo fiercely) I LOVE you, man! Don’t ever scare us like that again, kay?
Frodo: Sam! I LOVE you, man. And I won’t dude, I won’t. (break down and hug)
Gandalf: Yep, by the incredibly awesome powers of Lord Elrond, you’re beginning to mend, little dude.
Elrond: Welcome to my humble pad.
Many Meetings
(Frodo and Sam walk around Rivendell. They meet up with Merry and Pippin)
Pippin: Did you see that elf babe who came to rescue you, man! She was babelicious.
Merry: Schaaaaaa-wing!
(Frodo sees Bilbo)
Frodo: Bilbo! Dude!
Bilbo: Frodo! Dude! (they hug)
(Frodo’s looking through Bilbo’s book “There and Back Again, A Hobbit’s Totally Spectacular Tubular Awesome Amazingly Exciting You’ll-Never-Believe-Any-of-It-Is-True Adventure” and comes across a map of the Shire-Hood.)
Frodo: I miss the Shire-Hood. I’m soooooo not like you Bilbo. I ain’t cut out for this sh**.
Bilbo: I know, dude. I know.
The Fate of the Ring
(Little while later. Sam is packing up. Frodo comes up to see what he’s up to.)
Frodo: Packed already? Dude, we just got here.
Sam: I know, dude. But I’m sooooo ready to home, man.
Frodo: Dude, me too. I feel so wasted. The ring’ll be safe here.
(Cut up to Elrond, who’s obviously a pervy hobbit-fancier cuz he’s totally spying on Frodo and Sam. Gandalf comes into the room. Elrond tries to cover up.)
Elrond: Like, he’s getting stronger every day, man.
Gandalf: (buying into it) I know dude, but still, that wound will never really heal. Oh well, sucks to be him.
Elrond: And to still have the ring… Dude, he’s like, Super Hobbit or something, bro.
Gandalf: It’s a task he should never have had to do, man. We can’t ask any more of him.
Elrond: Dude, like, where have you been man! The enemy’s like right on our ass. And Saruman’s all evil and sh** and breeding Uruks that can move in sunlight. We’re screwed, man! The elves soooooo can’t hide the ring. It’s gonna have to leave, dude.
Gandalf: Bogus.
Elrond: The elves are going sayonara dude. Who’s gonna help you when we all skid-addle? The drawves? Ha! They crawl around in their caves looking for jewelry and sh**.
Gandalf: It is in Men we must place our hope.
Elrond: Men! No way, dude. They’re such pansies! The blood of Numenor is long gone, their pride and dignitude forgotten. It’s because of men the ring survived. I was there, Gandalf. When Isildur kept the ring cuz he thought it was soooooo pretty.
Gandalf: Don’t remind me, dude.
Elrond: No way, dude. Men are weak. They just running around wild, no organization to them at all.
Gandalf: There is one dude who could unite them and settle them down. One dude who could reclaim the throne.
Elrond: Forget it old man. It ain’t gonna happen.
The Sword That Was Broken
(That night. Strider is reading a book. Boromir comes into the room.)
Boromir: Who are you, dude?
Strider: I’m a friend of the Old Wiz Dude.
Boromir: That’s cool, bro. (See the Shards of Narsil) Awesome, dude! Check it out! (picks up a shard and cuts himself) Bummer. (sees Strider watching him and gets wigged out) No big. Just some studip broken sword. Like you don’t see those everyday. Yeah, right.
(Boromir leaves.)
Strider: Moron.
(Arwen comes up behind.)
Arwen: Why you scared, bro?
Strider: Scared? Me? Yeah, right!
Arwen: A si i-Dhúath ú-orthor, Aragorn. Ú or le a ú or nin. (Shut up, bro. You’re soooo scared don’t even try to hide it. Like, let me comfort you, dude.)
The Evenstar
(Cut to outside. Strider and Arwen on bridge in majorly mushy romantic scene. Since we don’t want you to ralfe, here’s the cliff notes version)
Arwen: Renich i lú i erui govannem? (Like, we met, kay?)
Strider: Nauthannen i ned ôl reniannen. (You were a babe!)
Arwen: Gwennin in enninath… Ú-'arnech in naeth i si celich. Renich i beth i pennen? (You were lookin’ kinda scrumptious yourself, dude. Not like now, all scraggly and sh**. Do you remember what I told you, man?)
Strider: You said you’d shag me senseless.
Arwen: And to that I hold. (gives him the Evenstar pendant)
Strider: Cool!
Council of Elrond: (Posted by Undomiel)
ELROND: Dude! Like this Ring that belongs to the big bad Dark-Dude that shall not be named has to be like, thrown in the pits of Mount Dude-dome!!
BOROMIR: Dude, this Ring can be used to help us dude!
LEGOLAS: Have you heard nothing the dude has said dude?
ARAGORN: Dude! We can’t wield the Ring!
BOROMIR: Who are you dude!?
LEGOLAS: He is Aragorn, dude of Arathorn, and you owe him your dude-ness!
BOROMIR: <condescendingly> So, this is the dude, cheiftain of the dude-edains. <Aragorn gives him a look>
BOROMIR: Gondor has no dude, Gondor NEEDS no dude!
ELROND: One of you dudes must take this Ring to the big bad Dark-Dude.
GIMLI: Well, I’ll be danged if I’ll see the Ring in the hands of this pointy-eared Elf dude! <they all start arguing. Frodo is sitting there, and the Ring is calling him.>
RING: Duuuudddddeeee… <Frodo can’t stand it anymore, and leaps up.>
FRODO: DUDE! I will take it! <they are still arguing.>
FRODO: I will take it. <they stop, and stare at him in disbelief>
FRODO: Dude, I will take the Ring to the Dark-Dude, though I do not know the way.
ELROND: Okay, he needs some fellow dudes to go with him.
ARAGORN: <to Frodo> If I can save you, little dude, I will. I LOVE you man!! You totally have my sword!
LEGOLAS: And my bow, little dude!
GIMLI: And my axe, dude!
ELROND: Then you shall-! <Merry and Pippin and Sam come running.>
SAM: DUDE! I’m coming too dude!!
PIPPIN: You’ll have to like, tie me in a sack to keep me away dude! I’m going too!
MERRY: Same here dude!!
ELROND: Then you shall be the Dudeship of the Ring, dude!
This is great!
(and I’m glad you liked SNL Fellowship Jeopardy)
‘enormous rack’! guffaw!
Waz Up, your postings here are hilarious! Thanks for making my morning!
Great stuff! Looking forward to reading anything else you can add to this amazing thread.
[Here’s a different twisted version of LotR if written by Alexandre Dumas. I’m keeping it in Middle Earth instead of in the traditional The Three Muskateers historical setting. It’s an Alternate Universe story where Legolas and Aragorn have not met prior to the gathering at the Secret Council of Elrond.]
Legolas rides on horseback on his way to Rivendell to attend the Secret Council of Elrond. The Elf arrives at his destination, dismounts and takes in the scenery of Rivendell. He is so distracted by the beauty of it all that he accidentally collides into Aragorn.
LEGOLAS: Excuse me.
ARAGORN: How dare you? Do you think merely saying, “Excuse me,” is sufficient? Your manners are very bad.
LEGOLAS: I hardly think you are the one to be telling me about bad manners.
ARAGORN: Fine. Let us meet at noon in the main courtyard of Rivendell and settle this matter.
LEGOLAS: See you then.
Legolas continues on his way. Ahead of him is Boromir who has also just arrived at Rivendell to attend the Secret Council of Elrond. Boromir dismounts from his horse and takes in the beauty of the scenery. Suddenly a strong wind blows Boromir’s cape which envelopes Legolas in its folds.
BOROMIR: What the --! What on earth on you doing?
LEGOLAS (still covered in the cape): Excuse, me, but your cape –
Boromir pulls his cape off of Legolas and glares at the Elf.
BOROMIR: How dare you? I’ll teach you a lesson about treating the Son of Gondor this way! Meet me at one o’clock in the main courtyard of Rivendell!
LEGOLAS: Fine. See you then.
Legolas continues on his way. Ahead of him is Gimli the Dwarf who has just arrived at Rivendell to attend the Secret Council of Elrond. Legolas does not notice the Dwarf because he is busy thinking of his meetings at noon and one o’clock, plus Gimli is short and out of his line of vision. Legolas accidentally trips over Gimli.
GIMLI: Blasted Elf! How dare you! You need a proper lesson in showing respect for Dwarfs! Meet me at two o’clock in the main courtyard of Rivendell!
LEGOLAS: Very well. See you then.
Scene: Noon at the main courtyard of Rivendell. Legolas arrives and is surprised to see Aragorn, Boromir and Gimli standing there together.
ARAGORN: Here is the gentleman I am going to fight.
BOROMIR: What? But he’s the one I’m going to fight!
LEGOLAS: But not before one o’clock.
GIMLI: And he’s the one I’m also going to fight!
LEGOLAS: Not until two o’clock. Shall we? On guard!
Legolas draws his bow and arrow and points it at Aragorn.
ARAGORN: An arrow against my sword? Not what I had in mind, but very well.
Just then Lord Elrond appears with a group of his mightiest Elves.
ELROND: What is the meaning of all this? Stop immediately!
ARAGORN: With all due respect, Lord Elrond, this matter does not concern you.
ELROND: I beg to differ! You have all been summoned here for something much more important than whatever petty quarrels you may have between you! Now stand down and come with me immediately! All of you!
Legolas lowers his bow and arrow.
ARAGORN (half-aloud to Boromir and Gimli): Shall we defy Lord Elrond? It is five against three.
LEGOLAS: Right behind you, Lord Elrond.
The Elf turns to look at Aragorn, Boromir and Gimli. He smirks ever so slightly.
ARAGORN (thinking to himself): Blasted Elf!
BOROMIR (thinking to himself): Blasted Elf!
GIMLI (thinking to himself): Blasted Elf!
[Snicker Yeah, it’s not what D’Artagnan would have done, but I wrote this just for a lark.]
FairyDust, if you still want to try your hand at writing more to the story of LotR 3 Muskateers-style and somehow work in the Ring, go ahead. I’d love to see what you can come up with.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own The Lord of the Rings and/or the stories and characters created by P. G. Wodehouse.
SAM: I say, Frodo! Is there a bird here in town to whom you haven’t been engaged at one time or another?
FRODO: Oh, I imagine there might be a few.
SAM: Well, it was quite a blow to my ego to learn that you were once engaged to marry my darling Rosie!
FRODO: That was ages ago, Sam! Old history, I assure you!
SAM: Oh, dear. Would you look at the time? I have to be running off now. Will I see you later at the Hobbits Club for a game of darts?
FRODO: Wouldn’t miss it, Sam.
Sam leaves the apartment. Gandalf enters from the kitchen carrying a tea tray.
GANDALF: Your tea, sir.
FRODO: Thank you, Gandalf. I’m afraid I’ll be requiring more than tea from you at this moment, my loyal valet.
GANDALF: Would you be referring to the matter of Mister Gamgee’s interest in Rosie of Rosie’s Tavern?
FRODO: Yes. I went to see Rosie yesterday to put in a good word for Sam, but she somehow got the idea in her head that I was interested in becoming engaged to her again! And I couldn’t very well tell her that wasn’t the case. Code of the Baggins, you know.
GANDALF: Indeed, sir.
FRODO: Any chance you can put that brilliant brain of yours to work on coming up with a solution to my problem, Gandalf?
GANDALF: I shall do my best, sir.
The doorbell rings.
FRODO: Now who could that be?
GANDALF: I shall endeavor to find out for you, sir.
Gandalf answers the door. A tall good-looking ruggedly handsome man rushes past Gandalf.
ARAGORN: No need to announce me, Gandalf. Baggins! I’d like a word with you!
FRODO: Aragorn! What brings you here?
ARAGORN: As if you didn’t know! Don’t play innocent with me, Baggins!
FRODO: Pardon?
ARAGORN: Arwen and I had dinner last night. She could not stop going on and on about you and the bravery and courage you displayed in destroying that blasted Ring at Mt. Doom! You did all that just to make me look inferior in comparison to you, didn’t you? It’s all part of your clever plan to steal Arwen away from me! You couldn’t bear it that she’s no longer engaged to marry you. So now you’re trying to stop her from marrying me! Admit it, Baggins!
FRODO: Aragorn, you couldn’t be more farther from the truth!
ARAGORN: Don’t lie to me, Baggins! So help me, if I ever catch you near my darling Arwen again, I’ll break your spine in four places!
FRODO: Uh, don’t you mean three places?
ARAGORN: That was yesterday. Now it’ll be four places!
FairyDust: LOL!! That’s good. The only alteration I would suggest would be “He’s one SEXY Ranger”…LOL. Seriously, yours is good. 
Every one else – FANTASTIC STUFF!
I plan to post something I’ve been working on (just rechecking it, to make sure I catch the mistakes [well…as many as I can :p]) soon
P.S.
Me: Wuz up, dude, your jive was totally righteous!
Everyone else: Like, hello! Of course it was! Duh!
Me: Geez, lay off, dudes!
Everyone else: Whatever…
NOTE: I do not have any connection with LOTR (except being an obsessed fan:D), nor do I have any connection with Johnny Bravo…
If LOTR was written by…whoever it is that writes Johnny Bravo:
(Camera slowly sweeps across a heavenly wooded landscape)
Narrator: Rivendell – the perfect place to walk, to rest, to relax…(camera turns to Aragorn, posing, in a small, shaded area) or to pick up chicks! (Several Elvish chicks trot by, ignoring Aragorn; an elderly Elvish woman walks up to him)
Elderly She-Elf: Excuse me, sir. (Aragorn ignores her) Excuse me sir. (Aragorn strikes another pose). Sir!
Aragorn: (Finally notices her) Sorry, honey – I don’t mean to be a heartbreaker … well … anyways, there’s just too much a generation gap between us – I don’t mind girls a little older than me, but after a thousand or so years…
Elderly She-Elf: (insulted) I just wanted to know the time…
Aragorn: (Pityingly) There, there, Ma’am – (looks up suddenly, as a gorgeous Elf lady walks by). Woa, momma! Hello there, little lady! (Runs up to elf lady, grabs her, and kisses her) Now that we know each others, how about (interrupted by Elf lady grabbing elvish version of mace from her purse, spraying him; stumbling around blindly, in pain, he falls into a pit of Wolves of Isengard. Wolves begin snarling…Aragorn pounds the crap out of a Wolf, who tries to attack him, and climbs out of the pit, recovering)
Camera turns to Arwen, running toward Aragorn
Aragorn: (Watches, entranced) Ohhhh, momma, I dig it when Elvish chicks run! (As Arwen runs by, he jumps in her path; she tries ducking aside several times, and he gets in her way; finally, she pushes him back into the pit of Wolves of Isengard, and runs past, to an empty, wrecked cage; Aragorn climbs out of the pit [again], follows Arwen)
Arwen: Oh no!
Aragorn: Woa hot momma!
Arwen: Excuse me? A 19 pound Gollum is on the loose!
Aragorn: (interrupts) Enough about you – let’s talk about! Aragorn, son of Arathorn, born to Rule Gondor!
Arwen: (unimpressed) I don’t think you understand…there is a 19 pound Gollum on the loose, with the one ring in his possession!
Aragorn: (paying attention to her words for the first time) Woa, there, momma – 19 pounds? Gollum? The one ring? On the loose? (turns to her, raises eyebrows) Ma’am, I’d be more than happy to help you find your Gollum!
Arwen: (unimpressed) You MUST be joking – I mean, to capture Gollum with the ring, you’d need like an army, or a superhero…
Aragorn: (awed) A…superhero?
Arwen: Yea – a superhero would be nice!
Aragorn: (Smiles seductively) Ma’am, today’s your lucky day – because I happen to be a SUPERHERO! (Arwen gazes at him, unbelievingly) Did I mention my superpowers?
Arwen: (Still unimpressed) Oh, no…you didn’t mention those…
Aragorn: I happen to be the only man alive to have earned his blackbelt in every form of martial arts in the world! (Suddenly a group of Nazgul race on the set, from behind, trampling Aragorn; raising slowly, after they’ve passed, he moans) Did I mention I’m still studying ‘Somersaulting Wraiths’?
Arwen: (watches as he picks himself up) You know what, I think I could use your help after all…
Aragorn: (very excited) Do you know I have a sensitive side, too? (starts singing) I can bring home bacon, and I can even cook – Ma’am, I’ll have your Gollum back, faster than you can make a peanut butter and vanilla lembas bread sandwich – and deep fry that bad boy!
Arwen: (unimpressed, watches as he races off eagerly)
Scene changes to Gollum, who is crossing a path, in a sparsely wooded area of Rivendell
Gollum: (Singing) Ohhhh, so coolsie in the poolsie, to catches a fishsie so sweetsie and tendersie! (Crosses path, comes to a reflecting pool, stares at his reflection; licks his large, dirty hand, runs it through his remnants of hair; very impressed) You are the monster! Ouch!
Aragorn comes running up, taps Gollum
Aragorn: Excuse me, kid – you haven’t happened to see a Gollum passing by here, would you?
Gollum: (Innocently) A Gollum? Refresh our memories, precious, but what does a ‘Gollum’ look like?
Aragorn: (thinks) Uhhh…umm…hmm…well…(Gollum makes various faces at Aragorn, as he thinks)…it’s uhhh small…and, uh, disgusting…yea…and it’s got the one ring!
Gollum: (pretending to be frightened) Oh, good heavens!! (fans himself) You know what, precious? I actually did see one of those ‘Gollum’ creatures an hour ago…(voice becomes angry, leaps at Aragorn’s throat) But HE was certainly not what I would have called UGLY!!
Aragorn: (Backs away) Uhhh…really…
Gollum: Oh, no, precious, no – he was more like the ‘Mel Gibson of the shire’!
Aragorn: Uh huh…you wouldn’t have noticed which way he went, would you have?
Gollum: Forsoothe, nay – I looked away, as he stray…but, hey! How bout I help you find this Gollum, precious?
Aragorn: (Strikes his ‘signature pose’) Mister, I don’t know who you’re talking to – I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn; the one man army…so you just stay out of the way, and leave the superhero-ing to me!
Gollum: (As Aragorn runs off, into the horizon) No problem, precious…
Scene changes to Aragorn, running through a highly populated part of Rivendell, with various people…errr, elves… standing about, stupidly
Aragorn: (approaches Hippy Elf, dressed in bright pink, flowered robe, covered in ‘peace’ emblems, holding a ‘Stop Story Violence’ sign) Have you seen a Gollum pass this way?
Hippy Elf: Duhhh, no dude…hey, got some weed? (Aragorn is already gone, going up to a gorgeous elf woman)
Aragorn: Seen a Gollum pass this way?
Gorgeous She-Elf: (In a sultry voice) Nooo
Aragorn: (runs past, up to an old elf) Seen a … (looks back at the Gorgeous She Elf, runs back to her) Excuse me, little lady – you wouldn’t happen to have a Gollum under those clothes, would you? (She-Elf grabs his arm, flips him over her head, and flattens him several times) I think she digs me. (She-Elf walks away)
Scene changes, to a run-down section of Rivendell; Gollum is walking along, humming; an orc is hiding behind a building, waiting until Gollum passes
Orc: (Jumping out from behind the building, arrow pointed at Gollum) Get in the alley!
Gollum: (obliging, but slowly) Ohhh, whats are you going to do, precious?? Frisks us??
Orc: (Angrily) Shut up and get in the alley!
Gollum: Ohhh, aren’t we a little bit on the grouchy side, precious?
Orc: Give me your wallet, you slimy toad!
(At that moment, Aragorn comes running up, pointing his sword at the Orc)
Aragorn: Put down that arrow!
Gollum: (Furious at the Orc, ignoring Aragorn’s presence) What did you call me?? Pig-swine, that’s what you are – P-I-G! (starts attacking the Orc, biting him, and beating him)
Aragorn: (Tries pulling him off) Calm down there, kid!
Gollum: (Still ignoring Aragorn) You are so disgusting, you could disguise yourself as manure without a costume!
Aragorn: Disgusting?
Gollum: You’re brain is so tiny, it makes my droppings look large!
Aragorn: (pondering Gollum’s word) Tiny? (Gollum continues to attack the fallen orc) Hold on there, kid – you don’t think this could be the Gollum, do you?
Gollum: (Eyes Aragorn sneakily) Hmm…could be…
Aragorn: (Looks at the Orc, with disdain) Sure is ugly enough to be in a cage…
Arwen comes walking up
Arwen: Well, you found my Gollum!
Aragorn: (picks up the Orc, to hand to her) I sure did – here he is…(watches as Arwen takes Gollum’s hand, to lead him away; his jaw drops, and Gollum smiles, evilly) Wha…? (Still holding the Orc) Don’t I deserve some kind of reward for this? A date? A kiss? A hearty hand shake?
Arwen: I would go out with you…but it looks like you’ve already got a … date (in reference to the Orc)
Orc: (Very disturbed) This is cute ‘n’ all…but I have a wife…
Aragorn: (Turns to camera) What are you lookin’ at??
THE END
Waz Up - I did a part of The Dude of The Rings that was skipped (it wuz skipped in the movie, too) - I’m figuring you probably didn’t have anything in mind for it; if you’d rather I didn’t, though, or if I guessed wrong, and you were planning to do something with that part of the story, just let me know - I’ll request that this is deleted, and won’t post anymore, out of respect for your dudeship. Seriously, though - if you’d prefer I didn’t do them, just let me know, and I’ll stop.
Note: Old Man Willow is part of the story that was skipped for the movie - in extended footage, and in the Theater release; if you haven’t read the books, you probably won’t know what this is (and I might have got it wrong, on certain points - for example, it might have been Merry that explores the path, not Pippin; I can’t remember, though, so I guessed. :P).
Old Man Willow, Part 1
(Sam, Frodo, Merry and Pippin are going through this like maze that goes on for like ever, and keeps seemin’ to change.)
Sam: Dude, you notice how these tree dudes seem to like move?
Frodo: Yea, dude…weird!
Merry: I’m hungry, dude – I haven’t eaten for like five minutes.
All: SHUT UP, DUDE!
Merry: Geez, you dudes are so temperamental – you gotta get your sh*t in order, instead of dissin your superior dudes.
All: Whatever, dude.
(They wander to a path leading into a foggy area)
Pippin: Geez, dude – that looks fearsome.
Frodo: Hell, yea – I ain’t goin’ in there.
Sam: You say it, man – you ain’t gonna catch me in there.
Pippin: Geez, you dudes are such wusses, you know that. I’ll go, lame-ies…(disappears onto the foggy path)
A few minutes pass, more like hours, but anyways…
Pippin: (returns) Like, see? I told you dudes, didn’t I? But you never listen to me, do you dudes? Noooo…not little ol’ Pippin – who’s he, right, dude? I mean, what the hell, dudes??
All: SHUT UP, dude!!
Frodo: We don’t want to listen to your dumb-ass bullsh-t!
Pippin: Kiss off, dudes – I mean, you can major-ly kiss off!
Sam: Shut up, dude – don’t you talk to Frodo dude like that, or I’ll –
Merry: I’m hungry.
All: SHUT UP!!
Sam: So, like, are we EVER gonna go, or are we gonna stand here whinin’?
Merry: (mutters) You soooo need to be bitch slapped…
Pippin: Yea, let’s get movin’…if we’re EVER gonna get to the Old Wiz Dude, we need to get on with it.
All: Whatever, dude.
A little while later…
Merry: Geez, dude, I’m hungry and tired.
All: Shut up, already, dude!
Merry: You’re all dissin’ me, dudes (yawns)
Frodo: You’re lame – you’re lame, dude. I mean really lame, dude. (Yawns)
Sam: Are you alright, dude?
Frodo: I’m cool, man…just a little pooped.
Sam: Yea, dude – I could use a nice snooze.
Merry: What are you, like some kind of freakin’ poet, dude??
Pippin: You dudes are sooooo not cool, k? (Yawns)
Merry: Wuz with the yawnin’, man? I mean…(Yawns)
Sam: I think we need to take one, dudes. Bummer.
Pippin: It’s ‘take five’, dude – take five. Geez.
Sam: Whatever.
Dudes, like, the praise of the praiseworthy is sooooooo above all rewards.
I don’t mind at all. I’m going off the movie, the extended edition. But if you want to do your own, go for it. I have no objections.
LOL. v v funny!