If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

Cafe Society
,
1942

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own The Lord of the Rings and/or Austin Powers.
FIRST ORC TORTURING GOLLUM: Who has the Ring?

GOLLUM: I’ssss neversss tellssss! Neverssss!

FIRST ORC: WHO HAS THE RING?

GOLLUM: Youssss canssss torturesss meeee, but Gollum will neversss tellsss!

FIRST ORC: WHO HAS THE RING?

GOLLUM: BAGGINS!

SECOND ORC: That was easy. Why’d you tell?

GOLLUM: Gollumsss hatesss to hearsss questionssss three timesssss!

FIRST ORC: Where is Baggins?

GOLLUM: I’sss neversss tellsss! Neversss!

FIRST ORC: Oh, now do I REALLY have to ask you two more times?

GOLLUM: Goessss to Hell!

FIRST ORC: Fine! WHERE IS BAGGINS?

GOLLUM: My lipsssss are sealed!

SECOND ORC: Ah-ha! He asked you three times! You have to tell!

First Orc smiles in agreement.

GOLLUM (amazingly loses his sssss as he explains): No, no! The first question was ‘Where is Baggins?’ Then you asked ‘Oh, now do I REALLY have to ask you two more times?’ That opens up a whole new line of questioning that doesn’t count toward the first line of questioning!

Second Orc: You know, he’s right.

First Orc: Damn!

1943

I know I left out a couple of scenes, so here they are now.

Concerning Hobbits

(Shot of Bilbo in Bag End, sitting at a desk, writing.)
Bilbo: The 22nd day of September of the year 1400, by Shire-Hood reasoning anyway –hey, can we help it if 99% of us can’t read and suck at math? So anyways – Bag End, Bagshot Row, Hobbiton, Westfarthing, the Shire, Middle Earth – dude, now I remember why I hate writing letters, the addresses are so freakin’ long, man.

*“There and Back Again: A Hobbit’s Totally Spectacular Tubular Awesome Amazingly Exciting You’ll-Never-Believe-Any-of-It-Is-True Adventure” by Bilbo Baggins.

Chapter One: Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Hobbits, But Were Too Afraid to Ask

Yeah, that’s right, we freak you out don’t we? Admit it. We’re 3 feet tall, with pointy ears and hairy feet. It totally wigs you out, doesn’t it? You’re such major wusses.
But seriously…
Hobbits have been living and farming in the Shire for, like, a really long time now, bro, ignoring everything but ourselves, cuz we’re such major gossips. And everyone ignores us, cuz there’s like a lot of other really weird sh** in Midde Earth to keep em occupied. And cuz most of us are lazy wusses with the brain capacity of a fruit fly. But we don’t talk about that…*

(Bilbo gets interrupted by a knock on the door.)
Bilbo: Frodo, get the door for me, bro! Now, where was I? Oh, yeah…

So like, a lot of people are under the misinformation that all we do is eat all day long. That’s sooooo not true, dude! Like, we also like to get drunk and stoned whenever possible. Which is why we’re so mellow and laid back. Dude, ever garden while you’re high, man? It’s wicked freaky. So, yeah, the Big Dudes look at us and go “what wackos” but it’s all good. Cuz today, of all days, I’m gonna get majorly wasted, cuz it’s my birthday bash! I so rule!

(Another knock on the door)
Bilbo: Frodo, dude! What, are you, like, jerking off back there or something? Get the door, man!
(Knock knock knock)
Bilbo: Don’t make me come back there! Frodo!
For the next one, I had go back and redo another scene I already did. Hope you don’t mind the redundancy.

The Passing of the Elves

(Frodo and Sam are in a field. Sam suddenly stops walking.)
Sam: This is it, dude.
Frodo: What do you mean, bro?
Sam: (Getting weepy) Like, this is the farthest from home I’ve ever been, man. I changed my mind; I’m going back.
Frodo: You’re such a lame ass, dude. Don’t be such a cry baby.
Sam: I am NOT a cry baby!
Frodo: Oh yeah, then prove it, cry baby. I dare ya.
Sam (hesitates)
Frodo: Come on, man. I’ll do that thing you like.
Sam: Promise?
Frodo: You bet, bro.
(Sam finally comes)
Frodo: Remember what ole Bilbo used to say, dude? ‘When in doubt, make up sh** and haul ass.’
Sam: What?
Frodo: Hey, I never said it’d make sense, dude.

(That evening. Sam is cooking. Frodo’s standing in front of the fire doing “that thing” Sam likes.)
Frodo: (singing and doing hand gestures)
The itsy bitsy hobbit climbed up the party tree
Set off some fireworks they saw all the way to Bree
Got into massive trouble and grounded untill thirty
And the itsy bitsy hobbit never climbed the tree again.
Sam: Dude, do “I’m a Little Hobbit.”
Frodo: Kay. (singing)
I’m a little Hobbit,
Short and fat,
Here is my pipeweed…(he trails off.) Sam, listen.
Sam: I am.
Frodo: No, dude, listen! Wood Elves!
Sam: Far out!
(They run up near the road and hide behind a conveniently placed log. The elves are singing)
Sam: Dude, like, what are they singing, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: (translating)*
I look to the sea, reflections in the waves spark my memory
Some happy, some sad
I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had
We live happily forever, so the story goes
But somehow we missed out on that pot of gold
But we’ll try best that we can to carry on.
Sam: That’s such a bitchin’ song.
Frodo: Yeah.

(Later that night. Sam’s tossing and turning)
Sam: Dude! This stupid rocky ground sucks, bro.
Frodo: Dude! Are you, like, gonna do this every night man? It’s highly annoying. Just, like, pretend you’re back home in your big comfy bed.
Sam: (tried to pretend, then gives up) Nope, not gonna work, dude. (Tosses and turns)
Frodo: I’m so gonna throttle you, man.
Sam: What, bro? You say something?
Frodo: No, dude, I didn’t say anything.

And I’ll be working on part 4 over the next couple of days, so chill, kay? :wink:

1944

Thaz cool, man - just wanted to be sure. :slight_smile: As always, awesome, man - great stuff Waz Up and Jeanster. :slight_smile:

1945

I like your parodies, too. I’ve only seen one episode of Johnny Bravo months ago, but I think you nailed it pretty well with your parody.

The Dude of the Rings has my sides hurting from laughing so hard. Great stuff!

1946

DISCLAIMER: I do not own The Lord of the Rings and/or any of the books written by Laura Ingalls Wilder.

Summary: What if The Lord of the Rings was written by Laura Ingalls Wilder?

Title: Little Bag End on the Shire
It was my first day of school. Uncle Bilbo had packed some fried chicken and biscuits into a dinner pail and handed it to me as he saw me out the door.

“Have a good day in school, Frodo,” he said. “Pay attention in class and mind the schoolmarm.”

“Yes, Uncle Bilbo,” I said. I waved and smiled at him, then turned to head toward the schoolhouse.

When I got there I felt very nervous. There were so many new faces and most of them stared at me as I approached the one-room schoolhouse.

One of taller students with red hair and with a strong muscular build sneered at me and said, “Hmpf! Shire boy!”

I looked down at what I was wearing. Uncle Bilbo had set out my clothes for me the night before: simple country gentleman’s garments. I’ve always liked whatever clothes I wore, but today I felt out of place.

The schoolmarm’s name was Miss Arwen. She was very pretty and had a nice smile.

I sat with some other Hobbits. I was surprised and happy to see that my two cousins Merry and Pippin were also in this school. We made a new friend: a fellow Hobbit named Samwise.

Miss Arwen said that I would need to buy some supplies: a slate and some chalk.

“You’ll be able to purchase those items over at the mercantile,” she said.
After school Merry, Pippin, Samwise and I arrived at the mercantile.

“We’ll help you find what you need, Frodo,” said Samwise.

I almost bumped into that tall red-haired boy who called me ‘Shire boy’.

“Well, if it isn’t the Shire boy,” he sneered. “My folks will let just anyone shop here. But that wouldn’t be the case if I was in charge of this mercantile.”

I glared at him and tried to walk past him, but he moved to block my way.

“Move aside, Boromir,” said Samwise. “He has some shopping to do.”

“Does he have any money? He better not expect to put it on a tab.”

“How about asking me directly? I’m standing right here!” I said.

Boromir stared at me. “Well, Shire boy, do you have any money?”

“My name is Frodo, NOT Shire boy!”

“Not that being called a Shire boy would be a bad thing,” said a strange voice.

I turned around and saw a tall handsome muscular young man.

“Let the boy pass, Boromir,” said the stranger in a calm voice.

Boromir quickly moved aside.

I looked at the stranger. “Thank you. What’s your name?”

“I am Aragorn,” he said.

TO BE CONTINUED (maybe)

1947

A short edit of “The Shire”. I realized I forget to include Gandalf’s song as he’s riding into Hobbiton:

(Frodo is sitting in a field “reading” a “book” – yeah, right – when he hears Gandalf coming up the road and runs out to meet him)
Gandalf: (singing to himself) I’m too sexy for my robe, too sexy for my hat, too sexy for the Maiar. I’m too sexy for these hobbits, too sexy for the Shire…
Frodo: (interrupting him) You’re late, dude.
And so…
And now, part 5 of the Dudeship of the Rings:

Gilraen’s Memorial

Elrond: Anirne hene beriad i chên în. Ned Imladris nauthant e le beriathar aen. (Dude, your mom would be, like, so sick of your moping around.)
But in her heart, she always knew you were a major wuss. I mean, really, you’re supposed to be the king, bro.
Aragorn: Shut up, man. You have no idea what it’s like for me, kay? It’s sooo hard, man.
Elrond: Dude, like, I’m practically your surrogate father, bro.
Aragorn: No! Don’t say that! Cuz that would mean Arwen’s like my sister and that’d be way gross, man.
Elrond: Huh, you know, I never thought of it that way. That is gross. I just totally changed my mind, bro. No way you’re marrying Arwen.
Aragorn: Dude! That’s sooooooo not fair! (throws a hissy fit)
Elrond: Unless…
Aragorn: (getting exicted) Unless what?… Unless what? Tell me, tell me!
Elrond: Naw, forget it dude. You’d never be able to pull it off.
Aragorn: Don’t diss me, dude. I can do it. Come on, man, tell me.
Elrond: Well, if you insist… (pauses, waits till Aragorn’s about to whiz himself in anticipation) You have to reclaim the throne of Gondor and reunite the kingdoms of Gondor and Arnor.
Aragorn: Dude! No way!
Elrond: You want to marry Arwen or not?
Aragorn: Oh, alright. Dammit. So much for my summer vacation in the Bahamas. Dude, this so blows.
Elrond: (laughing to himself as Aragorn walks away) Dude, I’m so brilliant, I sometimes even amaze myself. Sayonara sucker.
Bilbo’s Gifts

(Frodo and Bilbo are in Bilbo’s room. Bilbo is giving Frodo a bunch of stuff.)
Bilbo: This is a way wicked sword, man. It even glows blue when orcs are comin’.
Frodo: Awesome!
Bilbo: And this is, like, the most bitchinest mithril shirt EVER!
Frodo: Tubular! (takes shirt)
Bilbo: Let me see it on you. Put it on, man.
Frodo: Kay.
(Frodo starts unbuttoning shirt. You can see the ring hanging from a chain around his neck.)
Bilbo: Ah, dude, my old ring. It’s so pretty! Can I touch it? One last time?
Frodo: (buttoning shirt up again) Dude, you’re like, drooling man. That’s so gross.
(Suddenly, Bilbo does a freak out and it’s way scary.)
Frodo: HOLY SH**! DUDE! (jumps away)
Bilbo: Whoa, what happened there? Talk about a head rush. Weird.
Frodo: Yeah, sure, whatever dude. Um, like, I think I’ll just grab my stuff and split. Later dude.
The Departure of the Fellowship

(Everyone’s just standing around, not doing much of anything. Elrond finally shows up.)
Elrond: The Ring Dude is going to go to Mt. Dude Doom. Those of you who choose to go with him, if you, like, decide to wuss out and leave the party early, hey, no shame on you, man. We won’t hold it against ya – much. Catch you later, dudes. Hang ten! Don’t wipe out!
Gandalf: The Dudeship awaits the Ring Dude.
(Frodo heads out and everyone fall in behind him.)
Frodo: Psst, old whiz dude. Like, which way to Mordor, bro?
Gandalf: Right. No wait – left. No….yeah. Uh, yeah.
Frodo: Um, which way was that again?
Gandalf: Left.
Frodo: You sure?
Gandalf: Yeah.
Frodo: Ok, but if we get lost, it’s your fault.
The Ring Goes South

(A bunch of really massively impressive travel shots. Everyone gets their Glamour Shots close-up as they go over a mountain pass, even Bill.)
Gandalf: (voice over) So we’ll, like, go this way for a little while, and then turn left at the Gap of Rohan. No wait… turn right. Right? Yeah, right.
(They set up camp around a bunch of weird rocks. A big wide open field as far as the eye can see and these are the ONLY rocks around.)
Boromir: (teaching Merry and Pippin to sword fight) 2, 1, 5.
Pippin: Dude, like, where’d you learn to count? It goes one, FIVE, two.
Merry: You can be such a retard sometimes, bro.

(Over on another rock. Geez, there’s a LOT of rocks around here.)
Gimli: Dude, it’s just come to my attention that we’re taking the Big Ass Long Way. Why don’t we just go through mines, man?
Gandalf: Yeah, like that’s gonna happen.

(Back at Boromir, Merry and Pippin. They’re wrestling on the ground now. Boromir’s getting the pants beat off of him.)
Pippin: For the Shire-hood!
Aragorn: Dude, Boromir, that’s like almost as bad as getting beat up by a girl, man.
Merry: Who you callin’ a girl, dude?
(They knock him down and start whooping his ass.)
Merry: Who’s the girl now?!

(Over on yet another rock.)
Legolas: Dudes – Crebain from the Dark Dude-Lands.
Aragorn: Like, hide dudes! Quick!
(They all run and hide under the rocks. Gee, good thing they decided to camp here and not somewhere else, huh? Anyways, the crebain fly over and leave.)
Gandalf: Stupid birds. They’re always pooping on my hat. There’s only one way to get away from them: the pass of Caradhras.
(They all look over to some mountains completely covered in snow.)
Pippin and Merry: Screw that!
Boromir: Ha! Who’s the girl now? ‘Fraid of a little snow, little dudes?
Pippin: Shut up, dude.
The Pass of Caradhras

(The Dudeship walk up the snow covered mountain side. Frodo trips over his enormous feet – again – and the ring slips away from him – again. Only this time, it falls on the snow. Boromir picks it up.)
Boromir: I’ve got you, my pretty!
Aragorn: Dude, what are you, like, gay or something? Dudes don’t quote from the Wizard of Oz, man.
Boromir: Huh? Oh, yeah, right. Whatever dude.
Aragorn: Yeah, whatever. So, like, give the ring back to Frodo, kay?
(Boromir hesitates.)
Aragorn: Like, hello! Are you deaf suddenly? Give Frodo the ring!
Boromir: Yeah, whatever. Like I really want a girlie-lookin’ ring, anyway. Yeah, as if.
(Give the ring to Frodo.)

(Later on, it’s snowing majorly.)
Legolas: Ha ha! I can walk on snow! I so rule.
Boromir: Show off.
Pippin: (to Merry) Dude, like, my ass feels like ice, bro.
Merry: If I get frostbite, I’m so gonna ream Gandalf’s ass.
Bill the Pony: Neigh! I hate these people.
Legolas: There’s a narly voice surfing the airwaves.
Saruman: (voice only) Cuiva nwalca Carnirassë! Nai yarvaxëa rasselya taltuva ñotto-carinnar! (Wake up, Caradhras. You, like, got trespassers, man.)
Gandalf: It’s Saruman!
Boromir: I have a really bad feeling about this, dude.
(Some rocks fall and almost hit them.)
Aragorn: Dude, so rude!
Gandalf: Totally. Wait! I know something that might work to soothe this savage beast. (gets up on snow) Losto Caradhras, sedho, hodo, nuitho i 'ruith! (Hush, little mountain, don’t hear a word of the stupid ugly wizard of Isengard.)
(Mountain grumbles and an avalanche topple over them. Now, under real life circumstances, they’d be totally dead, right? But since they’re the heroes, they all magically survive.)
Gandalf: Nope, that didn’t work.
Legolas: Bogus. Now my hair’s all messed up. Dude!
Boromir: I’m so totally sick of this mountain, man. Let’s go through the Gap of Rohan already.
Sam: There’s a Gap in Rohan? Cuz I so need new capris, man.
Boromir: No, dude. This is a different kind of Gap.
Aragorn: Dude, we can’t go that way – Isengard. Hello!
Gimli: Are you dudes mental? How many times I gotta say it – let’s go through the mines!
Gandalf: Let the Ring Dude decide.
Frodo: The mines, totally. I sooo need to thaw out, bro. My dick is as stiff as an icicle.
Boromir: Um, did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
Aragorn: Whoa, that was like waaaaay too much information, little dude.

1948

LotR – The Peanuts version

DISCLAIMER: I do not own The Lord of the Rings and/or the comic strip Peanuts.
BOROMIR: I’ll hold the football, Frodo Brown, and you come running over to kick it.

FRODO: Okay.

Boromir holds the football while Frodo prepares himself.

Boromir hums to himself and looks upward. He chuckles silently because he plans to pull the football away at the last second before Frodo can kick it. Suddenly the football is kicked out of his hands and goes flying upward.

FRODO (invisible): YES!!!

BOROMIR: YOU BLOCKHEAD FRODO BROWN! YOU CHEATED! YOU USED THAT STUPID RING!!!

Frodo removes the ring from his finger and becomes visible again.

FRODO (smiling with satisfaction): Okay. NOW I’m ready to take this ring to Mt. Doom.

1949

The Graduate…
Aragorn: Ms. Eowyn, you’re trying to seduce me.

Ms. Eowyn: Would you like to me to seduce you?

Aragorn: Oh my Iluvatar!
And here’s to you, Ms Eowyn, Iluvatar loves you more than you will know. Wo, Wo, wo…

1950

LotR sung to the theme of The Patty Duke Show

DISCLAIMER: I do not own The Lord of the Rings and/or The Patty Duke Show.

Meet Gandalf who’s been most everywhere,
From the peaceful Shire to who knows where.
Then Gandalf’s friend Saruman the White
Became one that he’d have to fight.
What a crazy pair!

But they’re Wizards,
Strong powerful Wizards all the way.
They started out as good friends,
Now different as night and day.

Where Frodo adores the peaceful Shire,
He must cast the ring into the fire,
So Frodo travels to Mt. Doom,
While facing danger and much gloom,
What a quest so dire!

First Black Riders,
A snow storm and crows that spy the land,
Orcs, a Cave Troll and a Balrog,
And then the mighty Uruk-Hai!

You’ll lose track of time,
When reading ‘The Lord of the Rings’!

1951

Here’s a link to some pretty funny stuff - If LOTR were written as if it on a 24-hour news channel:
http://www.sf-fandom.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?threadid=2066

1952

DISCLAIMER: I do not own The Lord of the Rings and/or Rat Race.

Scene: The Secret Council of Elrond. Loud arguing among the group as to what to do about the evil ring. Finally Frodo speaks up and announces that he will take the ring to Mordor. Silence falls upon the group as they all turn and stare at the Hobbit. Then Lord Elrond speaks.

LORD ELROND: All right, who had Frodo?

A group of Lord Elrond’s friends suddenly pop out from behind a doorway. Frodo and the others who attended this Secret Council are shocked to learn that bets had been placed on who would take the ring to Mt. Doom.

1953

LoL, Jeanster! I like that!! :slight_smile:

1954

Good one, Jeanster!

**Dudeship of the Ring, Part 6

Moria**

(They are walking to Moria through some monsterly huge rocks.)

Gandalf: Frodo, come help out an old man, little dude.
Frodo: Watcha need, bro?
Gandalf: Do me a fave, kay? Tie my shoes me for. I’d totally do it myself, but I’d probably break my back bending over, and that would suck big time.
Frodo: Aw, man. Again? I just tied ‘em, dude. I’m double-knotting ‘em.
Gandalf: NO! Dude, are you tryin’ to kill me? That’s like major bad luck, totally evil
Mojo.
Frodo: Fine, whatever dude. (Bends down and ties his shoes. Double-knots them when Gandalf is distracted by Boromir walking by.) There, all tied up – for now.
Gimli: (coming up from behind them) The walls of Moria!

(They all look at the walls)

Merry: That’s it? Dude, those are the butt ugliest walls I’ve seen, man.
Legolas: (muttering to himself) Butt ugly walls for butt ugly dwarves.
Gimli: What was that, blondie?

(Legolas ignores him.)

Gandalf: Shut up, dudes and move it, all ready. Like, we gotta find the door, man.

(They all start looking for the door.)

Pippin: Like, I don’t see it, bro.
Gandalf: The doors are invisible when closed, little dude.
Pippin: Then how are we supposed to find them?
Merry: What’s the point in having a door you can’t see? That’s way lame.
Gandalf: The doors glow when they’re hit by moonlight, kay?
Merry: What’s the point in invisible doors if the moonlight gives ‘em away?
Legolas: That’s dwarf logic for you. ‘Course, it would help if they actually had logic.
Gimli: Keep talking, beauty queen.
Legolas: Don’t hate me cuz I’m beautiful, buttface.
Gimli: Pansy.
Legolas: Ogre.
Aragorn: Dudes, you totally sound like a bunch of old marrieds, you know that?
Pippin: (laughing) ‘Old marrieds.’

(Gandalf finds the door – finally – and reads the inscription.)

Gandalf: “Say the word ‘friend’ in Elvish and the doors will open.”
Merry: Like, what’s that supposed to mean?
Aragorn: Dude, like the dwarves aren’t gonna have the password be ‘friend’ in language of their enemy. Get real.
Legolas: Yeah, it’s so obviously a trick, dude.

(They all turn to look at Gimli)

Aragorn: Well….
Gimli: Well what? I don’t have the password, kay? I’ve never been here before, hello.
Sam: Dude, like, I thought you said your cousin Balin lives here? Wouldn’t he have told you the password? Hel-lo!
Gimli: Like, we haven’t heard from him since he first moved here, kay?
Boromir: But wasn’t that like a really long time ago, bro?
Gimli: Yeah, so?
Legolas: So? SO? Dude, think about it! Your cousin takes off, like, 60 years ago or whatever to live in a mine of ill repute that’s overrun by orcs, goblins, and who knows what else, and you haven’t heard from him since?
Gimli: Yeah, and?
Legolas: I think the sunbeams penetrating that big, clunky helmet melted the very few brain cells you were born with. You’re a doofus!
Gimli: (drawing ax) I’m so gonna kill you, you blonde bimbo.
Legolas: (readies an arrow) You’re the bimbo, bimbo. For real!
Gandalf: I’m soooo tired of saying this, but SHUT UP! I’M TRYING TO THINK!

(They all sit around while Gandalf tries a gazillion different passwords, none of which work. Merry and Pippin get bored and start talking about babes. Boromir throws rocks in the lake. Legolas and Gimli give each other dirty looks. Aragorn and Sam let Bill the Pony go.)

Aragorn: The mines are no place for a pony, little dude.
Sam: Bye bye, Bill.
Bill the Pony: Neeeeiigh. I’m sooooo outta here! (runs away)
Frodo: Wow, like, I’ve never seen him run that fast before. Do you think that means something?

(Meanwhile…)

Pippin: (to Merry) So she’s all coming on to me, kay? And I’m like, totally lettin’ her, right? Like I was really gonna stop her. Yeah, right! I mean, she was a babe!
Sam: (coming up from behind) You’re so full of it.
Pippin: You’re just jealous cuz the only babe you can get is Lobelia.
Sam: You promised never to mention that!
Frodo: Yeah, that was way harsh, dude.
Merry: (laughing) That was sweet, bro.
Pippin: I know. So anyways, she’s got this totally excellent pair of melons, kay?

(Before he can go further, much to everyone’s surprise, especially Gandalf who is in the process of pulling out his hair, the doors swing open.)

Merry: He did it! Way to go, Old Wiz Dude!
Gandalf: Uh, um, yeah, right dude. I rule!
Boromir: So, what was the password?
Gandalf: Uh, the password? It was, um, (think, Gandalf, think. I was pulling out my hair, hair has – oh, that’s it!) Grease. Yeah, the password was ‘grease’.
Legolas: Grease? That doesn’t make any sense.
Gimli: (sarcastic) Then by dwarf logic, it should make sense, right?
Merry: Grease is the word.
Pippin: (singing) Grease is the word, have you heard, it’s got groove, it’s got meaning. Grease is the sound, it’s the place, it’s the motion, Grease is the way we are feeling…
All the hobbits: Grease is the word!
Gandalf: Shut UP!
Pippin: What’s your problem dude?

(They all start to enter when a big ass tentacled water monster thingy comes outta nowhere and grabs Frodo.)

Frodo: AAAAAAHHHH!!
Sam: Mr. Frodo! Let him go, monster dude!

(Hacks at the tentacle and Frodo falls. Legolas shoots it with some arrows and totally pisses it off. It comes after them and chases them into the mine. The doors come crashing down behind them and lock ‘em inside.)

Boromir: Bummer. Now we’re all trapped and junk.
Aragorn: This sucks.

(Gandalf lights up room. They see a bunch of rotten corpses lying around with arrows sticking out of them.)

Legolas: Like, I’m not one to say ‘I told you so’ but I told you so.
Gimli: Eh, bite me.
Legolas: You wish.
Gimli: You wish I wished.
Legolas: You wish that I wished you wished.
Gimli: You wish that I wished that I wished you wished. No wait, did I say that right?
Pippin: Ah, stop! You’re hurtin’ my noggin, dudes.
Gimli and Legolas: (together) Well that isn’t hard to do.
Pippin: Shut up, dudes!
Gandalf: This is soooooo gonna be a long four days, man.

1955

just found this link to a funny LOTR rappers site - must share - http://www.lordsoftherhymes.com/

1956

Here’s a link to my brother’s parody of Bored of the Rings.

Lord of the Thingies

1957

Just read “Lord of The Thingies”, and it was awesome!! :slight_smile:

1958

Thanks, I’ll tell him.

I thought it was pretty good, too, but I might be a little biased.:slight_smile:

1959

[Thanks for the nice words, Arwen Evenstar and Waz Up.]

[Author’s Note: One of my favorite scenes in the movie ‘Rat Race’ was when the helicoptor pilot punished her cheating boyfriend. Here’s my twisted spin on that, LotR-style, with a bit of slash thrown into the mix.]

DISCLAIMER: I do not own The Lord of the Rings and/or the movie Rat Race.

Arwen is taking Frodo to her father. Time is of the essence because of the poison in the Hobbit’s system. She and Frodo are on horseback. Arwen urges her horse to go faster before the Ringwraiths see them.

Meanwhile Aragorn and the other Hobbits continue on their way to Rivendell. Aragorn notices someone looking at them from above in a tree.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself): Well, well! I never thought I’d run into HIM here!

Aragorn tells the Hobbits to take a brief meal break while he scouts ahead. Sam, Merry and Pippin happily stop to eat. Aragorn sneaks off to meet the one who was up in the tree.

ARAGORN: We have a few minutes. It’s been such a long time. You’re even more beautiful than I remember.

Scene cuts back to Arwen and Frodo. It turns out they have been going in circles and have now ended up by the edge of a river not far from the Hobbits and the Ranger.

Arwen is seething when she spies Aragorn and Legolas snogging and skinny-dipping in the river.

ARWEN: Frodo, we’re going to stop here for a just a little bit. I want to have a word with my boyfriend.

FRODO (thinking to himself): What?! I’m dying here and she wants to talk to her boyfriend?!

Arwen chants and in a few seconds some magic horses form in the water and speed toward the Ranger and the Elf.

ARWEN (screaming at Aragorn): Hi, honey! I’d like to have a word with you about our relationship!

Aragorn and Legolas are hit by the force of water and go under. A few minutes later they emerge, both sputtering and very angry.

LEGOLAS (to Aragorn): Call me after you rid yourself of her, okay?

ARAGORN: Arwen! You psychotic jealous bitch! It’s over!

ARWEN: Only because I say it’s over, you bastard!

FRODO (weakly): Hello? Hobbit dying here. Need assistance.

Aragorn and Arwen are still arguing. Legolas has walked away.

FRODO (thinking to himself): Fine! Just leave me here to die! Once I become a Ringwraith, you two will be the first ones I’m going after! Just you wait!

THE END

1960

If I see another Aragorn & Legolas ‘love story’ I’m going to scream! LoL! :slight_smile: That, actually, is one of my favorite Rat Race scenes, too. :slight_smile:

As usual, good stuff, Jeanster and Waz Up. :slight_smile:
Thi6 - I really liked the ‘black riders’ on Harleys. lOl! :slight_smile:

**All the hobbits start dozing, pretty much where they stand. Frodo just falls asleep, when he feels a wooded leg pushing him into the swamp.

Frodo: Blaaablughblaa!! (Help!!)
Sam: Huh? (wakes up) Waz that, dude? Ahh! (pulls Frodo out of swamp) Geez, dude, what the hell did you doze under a tree limb for? How stupid can you get, man!
Frodo: I didn’t doze under it, you friggin’ mooncalf – the tree pushed me into the swamp, dumbie!
Sam: (rolls eyes) I wasn’t hatched yesterday, man – even I know that trees don’t move!
Frodo: Listen, jackass –
Sam: Don’t call me names, asswipe!
Frodo: You’re fired – as soon as I get back to Bag End, you’re fired, dude! Done, over, history!
Sam: Bite me!
Frodo is just about to respond, when they hear a noise.

Merry: (muffled) Shut the hell up, dudes – get me out of this tree!
Frodo: What the hell are you doing in a tree, man??
Sam: Oh, that’s bad, dude!
Frodo: (Ignores Sam, grabs a match, lights it) Yo’, tree dude – you let tha’ dude outta there, or I’ll roast your wooded ass. Comprehendo?
Tree: (Something incomprehensible)
Frodo: Wot?
Merry: Stop, dudes! He says ‘kiss off or he’ll jelly-ize me’
Sam: Jelly-ize? Dude, that ain’t a word!
Frodo: (Puts out match) Where’s Pippin? Maybe he’ll figure something out, dude.
Pippin: Here – in the tree.
Sam: Man, this sucks!
Frodo: Geez, what are we gonna do?
Pippin and Merry: GET US OUT, DUDE!
Sam: Shut up, dudes – Frodo’s thinking!
Tree: (laughs)
Sam: (after a few minutes) What are we gonna do, dude – didjya think of how to get those dudes outta there?
Frodo: I ain’t got a clue as to how to get those bozos out – but I know what we gotta do!
Sam: (confused) What, dude?
Frodo: We gotta scram, man – this place ain’t safe!
Sam: You mean we’re gonna ditch these dudes?
Frodo: You said it, man! (Grabs gear, preparing to run off, as Merry and Pippin shout protests, and Sam watches bewildered) Dude!
Sam: Huh?
Frodo: Look, dude, you can stand here – or you can get your ass moving! Either way, I’m outta here.
Sam: (decides to ‘get his ass moving’) Chill, man – I just gotta grab my cookin’ shit. (Frodo stands by impatiently, as Sam gathers gear) I’m ready, dude!
Frodo: Good – let’s get groovin’! (Starts leaving, when they hear someone rapping, getting closer and closer)
Sam: What’s that, dude??
Frodo: I donno, man – but it’s got rhythm! Feel it?
Tree: (trembles)
(A short, fat, old man, wearing a bandana and a combination of leather and ripped denim dances up)
Fat, Old, Short Man: Yo, yo’ yo’, wut it be, brutha!
My name’s Tom Bobbadil, don’t blame me,
I was named by my mutha’!
Frodo: (impressed) Hey, dude – I’m Frodo Baggins…but you can call me Frodo.
Tom Bobbadil: Unreal…so, Frodo of the Hood, brutha, who dat? (points to Sam)
**

1961

haha Lord of the Thingies!!! Too funny. :slight_smile:

Hm, my favorite scene from Rat Race is when Oz (sorry, don’t know his character’s name from the movie) and his brother attempt to knock down the control tower. That would be a great Merry and Pippin scene. hint hint
Well, I haven’t been working on anything - real life getting in the way, but here’s something I did waaaaay back for another thread on another site. I guess this is what LOTR would look like if it came out of my twisted head. Brace yourselves, this could get scary. Fortunately this is the only scene I did.:smiley:

Magically Appearing Arwen magically appears at Helm’s Deep after the battle, as Eowyn is hugging Aragorn.

Arwen: (does z-snap) Get your hands off my man.
Eowyn: Your man? I don’t think so, honey. This one is mine.
Arwen: Girl, you better step back before I slap you down. You think Radioactive Galadriel is scary, you ain’t seen nothing yet.
Eowyn: I’m sorry, did you say something, or was that a dog barking?
Arwen: Oh, it’s going down now!

Arwen charges for Eowyn, but Aragron steps in the way.

Aragorn: Ladies, ladies. Please. No need to fight. There’s plenty of me to go around.
Arwen and Eowyn (together, to Aragorn): Shut up! (to each other) Don’t you tell him to shut up! Don’t you tell me what to do!

They start shoving each other. Just then, Theoden comes up to see what all the commotion is about.

Theoden: What in the name of Helm Hammerhand is going on here?!
Arwen: (looking him up and down, liking what she sees) Who are you?
Theoden: I am Theoden King.
Arwen: King?
Theoden: Yes, I am the king of Rohan.
Arwen (to Eowyn): Tell you what, honey. You take him (indicating Aragorn) I’ll take the one that’s already king.

Arwen starts to approach Theoden, but Aragorn steps in the way.

Aragorn: But, Arwen? What about me? I love you more than anything else on this Middle Earth. I’m fighting this war for you. We were to be wed. You pledged me your immortality.
Arwen: Yeah, I’m gonna need that back. (Yanks necklace off Aragorn’s neck, and walks away, arm in arm with Theoden.)
Aragorn: But, but…. (looks sheepishly at Eowyn, who does not look pleased) Well, I guess it’s just you and me.
Eowyn: I don’t think so. “I love you more than anything else on this Middle Earth.” What was I? A consolation prize? Forget you. (stalks off) Where’s that elf? He’s a prince.
Aragorn (left standing all alone): But, but… Will no one love me?!
Voice from behind: I’ll love you.

Aragorn turns around to see Gimli standing there.

Aragorn: Well, dwarf men and women do look and sound a lot alike. I suppose I could pretend you’re a woman.
Gimli: You idiot. I am a woman.