Someone asked me this not all that long ago. I could not believe it. I surprised myself with my response–I usually let stupidity IRL roll on by. But the words just fell out of my mouth before I could stop them.
Incredibly Stupid Person: You said you have epilepsy?
Me: Yep, sure do.
ISP: What made you decide to have kids?
Me: Um, huh?
ISP: Well, epilepsy is such a serious disorder. I mean, what on earth made you want to take the chance on passing it on to children?
Me: (after a short pause) Hm. Probably the same kind of stupidity that affected your parents when they decided not to use birth control.
She stammered and left in a huff. I felt SO bad after I said that, because really, I don’t usually insult people like that. Well, I don’t insult people and mean it, anyway. My insults are jests, and most folks know it. But damn! She really pissed me off! Thank Goddess she doesn’t work in my department!
Are you really reading all of Stephen King’s books?
Yes I hate Stephen King
Really? Why didn’t you tell me this before? Here, I have a few matches on me, we can burn this book together! I’ll be sure to check in with you tomorrow about what book I choose to read, because I’d sure hate to waste my time on a novel that doesn’t have your stamp of approval!
Every convesration after I tell someone I was in the Air Force has these questions:
So you were in the Air Force? Were you a pilot?
No, not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Someone has to take care of things on the ground, so when a pilot wants to land his plane, there is a place to land it. I worked for Intelligence.
You worked for Intelligence? So you were a spy like James Bond?
No, if I was a spy, I would have said I was a spy. I was Communications Security, we would pretend to be the enemy, tapping phones on our own bases and monitoring radio transmissions to see what, if anything, is being leaked.
So you spied on our own people?
I was NOT a spy, you odorous little dickweasel! We didn’t turn anyone in (unless they were doing something flagrantly illegal), we weren’t out to get anyone in trouble. We went to the base, did our thing, filed a report and suggested where they need to tighten up secrity without mentioning anyone’s names or units.
You don’t turn anyone in? What’s the point in that?
So people learn that even the innocuous comversation, even remotely tangently related to something official, can be used to gather intelligence against you. Then they stop doing it.
I don’t get it, what did you do again?
I was a spy. Just like James Bond. Now go spread stories about how cool I am and maybe I’ll talk Q into creating a functioning brain for you.
My last name is ‘Wright’, of the idiotic questions I get, the main one is:
** “Is that with a ‘W’?” ** Nah, it’s with a Q. Don’t forget the ‘I’.
Or, the EVER unfavorite: ** “That must mean you’re always right, doesn’t it?” **
Why, yes it does, which means, you are the dimmest bulb on your family tree.
This has to do with my son being diagnosed with epilepsy when he was three, and believe it or not, it was his GRANDMOTHER who asked it.
“EPILEPSY!! Can’t we just call it something else…something nicer???” I just looked at her, you know the thinking, do you say what you REALLY want to; or be NICE!!
“Sure, I’ll call it something else, if it MADE it something else, otherwise, I don’t see the point.”
She didn’t speak to me for three weeks…it was lovely.
You’re from Saskatchewan?
a) Where’s that? sigh
b) Oh, I know somebody from there. Do you know ___?
Nope. Sorry, must have missed him. Regina is not the only city in Saskatchewan, by the way. And, yes, we have cities. And, no, I don’t know your friend in Edmonton either.
c) We’re flying into Toronto. Can you pick us up at the airport?
Here, let me pull out the map. Yes, I know it looks about the same distance as [insert the names of two nearby European cities here]. It’s not.
You must feel lucky to be so tall!
Yeah, right. Being able to reach the top shelf is such a blessing. :rolleyes: Care to go shopping for pants with me?
You’re so lucky to be thin! You must have a fast metabolism.
I guess. Can we please go for lunch before I faint?
Have you ever been a model?
Have you ever seen me try to walk in heels?
You sing so beautifully. You’re so lucky to be born with that talent.
Yes, thank you. All the years of practicing have nothing to do with it. Yes, I’ll sing for your wedding, funeral, etc. If you pay me – like you pay the string quartet and organist. My lessons, coachings and practice time cost too, believe it or not.
Oh, my cousin is an opera singer, too.
That’s nice. Everyone who sings a few arias or gets a bachelors degree in voice is an opera singer, don’t you know? (Time to make my escape before they get the brilliant idea of having us sing a wedding duet together…)
When will we see you at the Met?
When you win the Nobel Prize. Get a grip.
Palmyra, I have had those exact same conversations! I’m in Music instead of Art, but get the same attitudes. I’ve paid my dues by getting a biology degree before turning to music, graduated with High Honors, scored in the 98th percentile on my GREs (for whatever that’s worth), am almost through a PhD program with NO debt because of all the scholarships. But since I’m a performing musician too, especially a singer, I apparently have no brain.
Yuck. It sounds like I’m bragging. I usually prefer not to bring all that stuff up because, personally, I don’t measure a person’s worth that way. But for some people that’s the only way to get their respect. Sad.
Can you cast me a spell for (a million dollars,make so and so fall in love with me etc)?
Sure-why not. Let me completely ignore all the tenets of Wicca-in particular the threefold law- and be your private fucking genie.
Do you worship Satan?
Only on the second Tuesday of every month-he’s pretty booked with Congress until then.
When they find out I work in a call center:
Bet you hate talking on the phone at home.
Yeah-that’s why I’m on the phone for hours at a time with my friends-I just hate talking to idiots.
When they find out I work in the fraud department:
Do you arrest people?
Yes. After I determine someone on the phone is a fraudster, I immediately go to the roof and climb in the helicopter,fly to where they live and slap the cuffs on them.
Do you (Jews) celebrate Thanksgiving?
I don’t even have an answer for this one anymore, so I just stare at them until they go away.
Upon finding out that I am only 5’2" if I lie ( I’m really 5’ 1 3/4" but that sounds silly) Wow, you don’t look short!
Yes, thank you I know. These shoes really help to make me look like a 6’ 2" model.
You look just like your father
Gee thanks. I know you meant that as a compliment, but take a look at him. He’s MALE, balding and has a beard!!!
That’s not a compliment to a woman you asswipe!!!
You’re so beautiful, how come you’re not married?"
Because I don’t want to be. You’re so STUPID, how come they let you out alone?
I’d momentarily blocked out questions about my last name. It’s a common word, it’s even a science/baking/building term.
How do you spell that? I get blank looks when I tell them that it’s spelled like they think it’s spelled. W-e-d-g-e. How else would you spell wedge? I hate my last name (use your imagination about school children) and I’ll be thrilled if I ever marry and get rid of it. My poor brother would like to change it, but is afraid of hurting dad’s feelings…
I get the How do you spell that? a lot also. I guess most of the time, it’s being asked out of habit. When asked how to spell my last name, I usually just repeat it and the person realizes how easy my name is to spell.
Them - And how do you spell that?
Me - Jones.
Them - Oh yeah, nevermind.
Well, you know if you just went to bed at a reasonable hour, you’d wake up at a reasonable hour
Hey! You’re a genius! I’m cured! No more sleeping disorder! No more insomnia! No more fatigue and chronic pain! Why didn’t I think of this years ago?
**Why don’t you watch violent movies?[/]b]
Because I don’t like violence in movies. Is that so hard to comprehend? I had a guy try to talk me into watching The Assassin once, saying “It really doesn’t have much violence in it” - yeah, sure. It offends me, and I don’t want to see it. I don’t care if it’s your favourite movie - it’s violent, and I’m not going to watch it. Ever. So get over it.
Why are you so fussy about food? Just eat it
Well, heck, I guess you’re right, and I shouldn’t be so fussy, and I’ll just eat it even though I know I’ll spend the next three days sitting on the toilet with agonising stomach cramps because I cannot eat that kind of food. Worst of all, this one usually comes from my Mum, who seems to think that I should put up with the side effects of consuming any one of my numerous triggers rather than be rude and refuse it. Worse than that - she doesn’t make allowances for my food allergies when we go out, so she’ll book us into that one Chinese restaurant that always makes me violently ill without telling me, and then get mad when I refuse to eat. I mean, come on! I don’t think I’m being unreasonable here. We’re talking days or even weeks of illness. Pain, suffering… my day to day life is hard enough at times, and I feel bad enough when I have to say “I can’t eat that”.
D’oh!
Ok, picture this… I’m about to hit preview, when click, I get booted offline AGAIN. I’ve already promised myself that I’m not logging back in if I get kicked out again, but I’ve written this whole reply, and I want to post it, so I curse my ISP under my breath, log back in and hit submit…
Cue sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach…
Oh, you’re from Florida? Why can’t you figure out how to vote?
Because I need you to come edumacate me, as do all other Floridians, as the entire population of the state obviously did it wrong. Never mind the fact that my county’s original tally was exactly the same as the tally after the recount, and that I live in north Florida, at least 300 miles from the counties that had the major disputes, and that I know the meaning of “Choose only one”. Gee, it’s nice to know that there were no problems or discrepancies in any other state.
It’s an ancient test of fortitude and skill. If the Blizzard falls all over the counter, the store is dishonoured and the clerk must commit suicide.
(This isn’t a particularly stupid question but I get it so often that it drives me bananas. I’ve actually used this line on a couple of the more fun-looking customers when the store was quiet. It always gets a laugh.)
