Inspired by (and swiped shamelessly from) Sofa King’s comic genius utterly brilliant post and stunning funny idea of using that idiot Ayatollah and that other idiot Falwell as Abbot and Costello, and given that the Fatwa’s (apparently) been called off and no-one was hurt, I came up with my own varient.
The scene: a jail cell. That Ayatollah and Falwell are locked up together.
Falwell: So what are you in for? You a terrorist?
Ayatollah: Terrorist!? TERRORIST!? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID TO THE LAST PERSON WHO SAID THAT?
Ayatollah lunges at Falwell. Falwell sidesteps (he’s had practice) and says:
Falwell: Um…no? Hey, sorry if I upset you pal.
Ayatollah: (struggling to regain control) Pal? Pal!? That’s the first kind word anyone ever said to me. You see, friend, I wasn’t always a rabid fanatic like you.
Falwell: Hey!
Ayatollah: Would you like to hear my story?
Falwell: No!
Ayatollah: Then I’ll tell it to you. It was 55 years ago that I last saw my baby boy. He was a beautiful child.
Falwell: This baby. Did he have brown eyes?
Ayatollah: Yes.
Falwell: And brown hair?
Ayatollah: Yes!
Falwell: And two little buck teeth in front?
Ayatollah: YES! YES!
Falwell: DADDY!
Ayatollah: (blinks, but gamely tries to recover): We were very happy, my little family. One morning we were seated around the breakfast table and a knock came at the door. I opened the door and there stood a man. He was broken in health and spirit. I begged him to enter. I welcomed him into my home and said “make my home your home”, and he did. One day I returned from work to find my home was no longer a home, my wife, the baby and the stranger had fled. Then one day, I found out he was a terrorist. It was his glamorous terrorist lifestyle that turned their heads. Suddenly my brain snapped, all the hatred, all the pent-up emotion of years suffering swelled up within me. I knew I would never be satisfied until I had my boney fingers wrapped around his throat. So with murder in my heart, SLOWLY I TURNED, STEP BY STEP, STEP BY STEP, I CREPT UPON HIM AND WHEN I SAW THE SNEER ON HIS FACE, I STRUCK, AND I GRABBED HIM AND I SHOOK HIM AROUND…
Ayatollah grabs Falwell by the neck and begins shaking him around
Lou Jacobi, for no reason other than the fact that his dialect is fun to write, wanders intp this part of the cell (I dunno either. Maybe the cell has two rooms. Really, who cares?) and taps the Ayatollah on the shoulder.
Lou Jacobi Sir? Sir! Is this Nebish bothering you?
Falwell: Aak!
Ayatollah: (releasing Falwell): No. I’m sorry. It was my fault.
Lou Jacobi: Oh, I can’t believe that. To Falwell Why are you interrupting him?
Falwell: I…he…but…
Lou Jacobi: Quiet, you. Now sir, please continue.
Ayatollah: You see, any time I hear that word…I can’t control myself. I just want to KILL SOMEONE!
Lou Jacobi: I came in late and missed the first act. What’s this mysterious word that gets you in a tummel?
Falwell: It’s “terrorist”
Ayatollah: “TERRORIST”!! Oh I knew I’d never be satisfied until I had his blood running between my fingers. So, SLOWLY I TURNED, STEP BY STEP, STEP BY STEP, I CREPT UPON HIM AND WHEN I SAW THE SMIRK OF HIS CONTENANCE, I GRABBED HIM. I LET HIM HAVE IT AGAIN, I COULDNT HELP MYSELF, I WAS GOING OUT OF MY MIND.
Ayatollah grabs Falwell by the neck and begins shaking him around. Falwell eventually frees himself as Lou Jacobi looks on with vague interest.
Lou Jacobi (to Falwell): Why do you keep interrupting this man? He’s telling us his life history. I, for one, am fascinated.
Falwell: (whimpers)
Lou Jacobi (to Ayatollah): Please continue sir. I’ll try to keep this Noodnik quiet.
Ayatollah: Poor thing. I hurt you again, didn’t I?
Falwell: That’s all right.
Ayatollah: I just can’t help myself. When I hear that word…
Lou Jacobi: What word would that be?
Falwell: DON’T SAY IT!!
Lou Jacobi: Don’t say what?
Falwell: Terr…
Ayatollah: TERR…!!!
Falwell: TerrIFFIC! TERRIFIC! I SAID TERRIFIC!
Ayatollah (calming down): Terrific
Lou Jacobi: Yeah. It’s a good thing you didn’t say that other word.
Falwell: Yeah. Imagine if I’d said “Terrorist” instead! [sub]eep.[/sub]
Ayatollah: TERRORIST! SO, SLOWLY I TURNED…
Lou Jacobi: Here we go again!!!
Ayatollah: STEP BY STEP, I CREPT CLOSER AND CLOSER AND WHEN I FELT HIS BREATH ON MY TEETH, I GRABBED HIM ONCE AGAIN AND I SHOOK HIM AND I HIT HIM AND I…
Ayatollah grabs Falwell by the neck and begins shaking him around. Falwell eventually frees himself and collapses to the floor.
Lou Jacobi: Get up, already!
Falwell: No. He’ll only knock me down again.
Lou Jacobi: Oh come on. If you’d stop antagonizing him…
Falwell: Me? Antagonize HIM? He’s been getting away with murder.
Ayatollah: I’m really very sorry. I just can’t control myself.
Falwell: You have to stop! You can’t keep hitting people just because they say a word. That’s crazy, that’s what it is!
Ayatollah: I really am very sorry.
Falwell: Aaawww. That’s ok.
The Jailer, played by Curley of the Three Stooges appears outside the cell: Keep it down, willya? I’m tryin’ to read my lit’rature! holds up a girlie magazine.
Lou Jacobi (slyly): See here Mister Big-Shot Jailer. I demand to know what we’re being charged with!
Jailer (sighs): I tol’ you awready!
Lou Jacobi: Let’s pretend I’ve your intellect and forgot.
Jailer: Ooooh, a wise guy eh? I’ll moidilize ya!
Lou Jacobi: Be that as it may, the charges please?
Jailer: Soitinly. You’re in for practicing law without a license, Falwell’s in for malicous loitering and the Ayatollah’s in for sheltering terrorists.
Falwell: HEAD FOR THE HILLS!
Ayatollah (in a fit of psychotic rage, bends the bars on the cell, steps out screaming): THAT WORD! SLOWLY I TURNED, STEP BY STEP, INCH BY INCH I SHOOK THE LIFE OUT OF THAT MONSTER WHO STOLE MY FAMILY…
The Ayatollah grabs the jailer by the throat and begins choking him. Lou Jacobi squeezes himself between the bars and saunters away. Falwell follows.
*Scene: Outside the jail cell in a crowded street.
Falwell: So where should we go now, Lou?
Lou Jacobi: I think we should split up. We’ll meet at the lake. I’ll head towards the lake by way of the street, you follow the viaduct.
Falwell (confused): What? What’s a viaduct?
Street Vendor (played by Chico Marx): I’ma no know. Why a duck?
Lou Jacobi: Ignore him. Just follow the viaduct.
Falwell (wails): But I don’t see a duck.
Street Vendor: I’ma gotta chicken, if that’sa help.
Lou Jacobi: Sir, why would I be interested in a chicken?
Street Vendor: I’ma no know. I’m not even know why you wanna duck.
Lou Jacobi leaves, irritated
A street sweeper with a painted-on mustache says:Hey! Don’t leave in a huff. Or even a minute and a huff. He turns to Falwell Did you know that when I was in deepest Africa, I shot an elephant in my pajamas? What the elephant was doing in my pajamas, I’ll never know.
Falwell (confused): Is the elephant connected with the duck somehow?
Curtain. Much applause. As Fenris comes out for his curtain call, the police arrest him for blatant routine swipeage.
The end