If the customers aren't really lying...

In My Humble Opinion
1

…they all drive across town to the grocery store, despite having to pass several stores of the same chain on the way.

…they’ve all been waiting in line for ten minutes.

…written forms of the English language are not applicable, i.e.* expiration dates, the name of the store on the ad they’re waving around, “with club card,” “with purchase of…,” and “We will tow your car.”

…they all have led wondrously joyful lives, since they’ve never been treated so badly as when they stepped foot in the store.

…they get lost easily, because they keep swearing they’ll never come back, and yet, they come back.

…their grocery-shopping experience affects their personal happiness way too much. (“Have a nice evening, sir.” “How can I, I had to wait less than two minutes for my coffee!”)

*- is that used properly?

Now you go. :smiley:

2

Quasi work rant?

3

Yeah… but I thought I’d channel it into something quasi-productive here.

4

i.e.=“that is”
e.g.=“for example”

5

…and they’ve all been loyal customers for years and years (regardless of how long the business has even been in existance).

…and there’s another magical invisible manager that I can’t see who always bends/waives the rules for them because that’s exactly what happened LAST time they were there.

6

… “You always screw up my order!” but they keep coming back for more.

… “Excuse me, but I gave you a fifty.” and yet there are no $50 bills in the drawer, drop box, cashier’s pocket, etc.

7

… Even though I said I wanted my drink hot what I really ment was I wanted it iced. Now why can’t you read my mind?

… I should be helped first because my order is shorter than his/her even though they got here before me.

… I want to get another drink but why should I have to wait inline like every one else?

… Do you have any (fill in the blank)? (Item sitting next to his/her hand on the counter.)

… Maybe if I knock on the door lound enough and shake it hard enough the store will magicaly open.
or
… Maybe if I knock on the door lound enough they will open the store and undo a half hour of work so I can get a $2 drink and not tip.

… Why don’t I get my 2 year old the messiest pastry you have, let them rub it in the carpet.

…Surely I’m so important that you will disregart safety rules for me.

… Even though I came though the drive though, I’m going to say, “I’ll have the usual.”, and get very upset even though you’re new here and have to way to know who I am much less what I order and even if you did, odds are slim you would recognise my car in the crappy black and white t.v.

My favorite from working in a coffee shop has to be.

… Will you put cream and one and a half sugars in my coffee even though I’m 2 feet from the cream and sugar myself.

To which I always wanted to respond:

…Sure, would you like me to follow you to dinner and cut your meat into little bite for you too? (Yes I know I sorta stole that from Titanic, but I always wanted to say it.)

I could go on and on about stupid customers but I’ll stop here.

8

They are soully responsible for the sucess of the store and if they stop shopping there it will go out of business and we’ll all be living on the streets.

They sign my paycheck. (In that case, I need a raise)

9

…anything that happens within a five-block radius is our problem.

…the litter on the streets was placed there by us. Not the folks who live and shop in the area, but us.

10

The joys of retail are abundant are they not? I recently got so fed up with it I started posting my rants on my webpage. The link’s in my sig if ya want to check it out.

11

… they have spent hundreds of dollars in your store. All the customers who make a big deal about “I’m never coming back HERE again!” have spend hundreds of dollars in the store, and will cripple you economically by taking their patronage elsewhere.

… they ordered exactly what they wanted the first time. They never, ever, made a mistake when ordering. No matter how many employees heard them order something different.

12

“What do you have in the bakery bag ma’a?”

“the what?”

“The bakery bag.” (as I hold said bag not 12 inches away from her.)

“oh three”

"Three what?

“three” (customer waves hand dismissively)

“Three bagels? muffins? donuts?..” (I really want to say "gee sorry no three key on the keyboard here… )

“just look in the bag” (So I do even though the board of health says no.

Yay!

When I worked in the grocery store it seemed the customer’s favorite line was: I want compensation.

I also learned no good deed goes unpunished. Cut them any leeway and they demand a freeway!

13

…The store down the street let’s them do it. ( Then Go there.)

… "Why can’t I walk through, or rollerblade through the drive-thru ? "( Because I’m not cleaning up after the accident.)

…They have the money to buy the food. They aren’t scamming you.

14

Okay, tanookie, what was in the bag?

15

[slight hijack] Why do you need to tip at a coffee shop, when you don’t have to tip counter people anywhere else?(don’t jump on me for not tipping, I don’t frequent coffee shops)

[/slight hijack]

16

ooh! ooh!

If they can see you, then you can see them.

If they can’t see you, then you can see them.

If the office is closed, just pull on all of the doors. That will make them open up.

(I hate coming into work and having people waiting in the parking lots–they follow you and try to get into the building. I need those ten minutes that you have to wait so that I can check on animals, count money, enter surgury charges, take a deep breath so I can deal with you, hide, etc. And yes, I see you. Yes, I think you exist. No, I will not open the door for you and I will lock the door behind me so that you have to wait. Bastards!)

17

…everything really was cheaper yesterday, because obviously our prices fluctuate like the stock market.

…everyone who doesn’t have an ID really did get robbed/just moved here/forgot it in the car/dropped their wallet/just turned 30/will tip really well if I serve them anyway.

…the hair in the salad they just finished never belonged to them; the fact that it’s two feet long and blonde, just like the ones on their head, in a restaurant with short-haired cooks and a male waiter, is just a funky coincidence. We really do need to compensate them for this revulsion.

…I really do have a coworker who served them a drink for half the price I’m charging them today.

…I’m making a huge mistake, because obviously the loss of Bitch A’s business will be crippling. I’ll miss her and all her equally bitchy friends, whom she will tell all about this horrendous breakdown in customer service.

…they really did tip me well. I just didn’t recognize the ten dollar bill they shoved in my tip jar because it looked just like a quarter.

18

… they’ve never had to wait half an hour for a prescription in their LIFE! (Of course not. They’ve generally had to wait 45 minutes to an hour.)

19

(Having sold used motorcycles…)
The other place has this model, but they’re asking $500 less. It’s also looks better and has less miles.

20

They have a friend who got better service/ a special discount/ a different price/ etc.