Attention! These following statements are not witty!

I work as a cashier in a restraunt, and we generally have fairly nice customers. But over time, there have been some things that I just keep hearing over and over again, to the point where I felt compelled to either create this thread, or go insane.

  1. "If I don’t have my bill when I want to pay, is it free? (Worst offender, and in fact, what inspired this thread.)
  2. “There’s money on the table, can I have it?”’
  3. “Sit anywhere I want? Okay, I’m sitting here!” (In a chair clearly designed for waiting, not eating.)
  4. “No, I won’t show you my ID.” (When I ask for an ID to use with a credit card. Another big offender.)
  5. “Wow! I’m glad you accepted the ID I stole off of some guy in the parking lot!” (Another huge offender. I’m not sure why people even bother.)

Anyone else have something to add? If I think of something, I’ll certainly return to the thread.

Well, #2, 3 and 5, you should be allowed to shoot the wannabe comedian. :smiley:

#1 could argue for clemency if he was trying to make light of the fact that he had to wait 45 minutes for his bill or something, otherwise he should be fair game, too.

What’s wrong with #4? According to the information I have, Visa and Mastercard both forbid requiring additional ID with their credit cards in their merchant agreements, and I wouldn’t be surprised if American Express, Discover and so on did as well.

I apologize for being unclear. With number four, I’m refering to people that when asked for ID, obviously intend to show it, but feel the need to make that little quip first. Not for people that are honestly refusing to show ID.

The other one is almost never with people in that situation – The restraunt is rather informal, and they can generally get their bill whenever they want. In fact, it’s not uncommon to ask me to go get it when they’re at the register, which is completely fine. (I’ve never seen someone wait that long for their bill – We just aren’t big enough to keep missing people like that.)

Each one of those makes me want to punch someone. Putting all five together in a list should be illegal. You have my deepest sympathies on having to listen to them and smile politely. If I’m ever in line behind someone who uses one of them on a cashier, I’ll give them a wedgie, I promise.

I see nothiong wrong with #3.

Of course, the proper response is to let them sit there (unserved) while you call the next group (if busy) or wander off to help a real patron i(if not busy).

How about, in response to “Hi, I’ll be your waitress tonight”, having a customer say “Hi! I’ll be your customer tonight!” You know they’re only doing it to try to make friends or cheerfully banter, but good grief, after the hundredth time you hear it, you just want to take a pickaxe, and…

The proper response to #5 is to cut up the stolen ID and credit card in front of the thief and call the police to have them arrested.

“Oh, it wasn’t really stolen and you were just joking? Sorry, my bad, but better safe than sorry right? Ha ha ha!”

The “Hi, I’ll be your waitress/waiter tonight” is annoying and phony. I realize that the waitress is probably being forced to say it – which is why it sounds so phony. A simple “Are your ready to order?” or “Can I help you?” would suffice.

Me: “Would you like to go ahead and get your check?”

Witty Customer: “No, that’s okay, we’ll just skip that part.”

Me: (fakes amusement in an attempt to conceal brief spurt of homicidal rage)

Not only do I hear that joke at least three times nightly, but about one out of ten people who make it will phrase it oddly, resulting in me thinking they want to hold off on getting their check (to chat for while, finish their drinks, whatever). Then, five minutes later when I return to check on them, they’ll get pissy and wonder why I didn’t bring them their bill.

“Maybe it’s because you suck at humor, bitch,” is what I do not say in response to this, thereby qualifying me for any number of Willpower Awards.

Attention, customers: please do not make jokes at me when I am busy. My powers of rational discernment are not at their peak when I am trying to do sixteen things at once. I am therefore likely to think you are serious, even if what you asked me to do makes no sense whatsoever. (Also, the odds are good that I have had that request/complaint before from somebody stupid enough to be serious about it.) Furthermore, if your joke sucks, or if you suck at making jokes, or if both of the above are true, then do me and the world a favor and don’t make the joke at all.

Thank you.

Can I add one from the movie theater biz?

(guy scrunching down) “one CHILD please!! HAHAHA”

Oh my sides! :rolleyes:

Well, the customer doesn’t here these things umpteen times a day and is probably amused, himself. Why would they be trying to amuse you; you’re taking their money, right?

Just do your job and smile.


My suggestion is that you chill. People want to be friendly, and they amke little jokes like that. You’re in the position of hearing the same li’l jokes 1,000 times a day, and so it wears on you. But they don’t realize that, and they dont’ mean to be aggravating, they’re just trying to joke.

People with odd names – names that pun, for instance, or famours names – get the same thing. Someone hears their name, and makes THE joke, the same joke they’ve heard every day for their entire life. (The most extreme of that, about 20 years ago, I met a lawyer named Donald E. Duck, he was old at the time and was a teenager when Walt Disney turned his name into a household joke. Can you imagine?) So, count your blessings, you only hear these jokes from customer during working hours, not from everyone you meet for your entire life.

My dad, bless his soul, tortures waitresses with this gem.

Waitress: How is everything
Dad; Awful
Waitress: …?
Dad: Awful GOOD hehehe

Luckily for him, most of the places he goes they all know him quite well, by name and laugh. And he’s so sweet and earnest about it, even stranger servers “get it” especially when they get the tip.

I adore my dad, and this silly little exchange “works” for him. But my goodness it’s corny :smiley:

I am sooo going to start using that. Tell your dad I said thanks.

Oh Nooo, I’m perpetuating the horror!! :smiley:

Well, perhaps I should give you some pointers. I think the reason it works so well for my dad is that he’s a midwestern charmer, so very sweet, smiling and friendly to everyone. Ever gentlemanly and kind.

good luck torturing waitresses!!

A long time ago, when I worked as a cashier in a grocery store, Saturday’s would be the busiest day. But sometimes, just for a moment, there would be nobody in your line. So a customer, with a loaded cart would then head for your register. “Oh! I’ll give you something to do!” It’s a good thing that humans aren’t telepaths, or they would have seen me in their heads, with my hands on their throat. Silly little joke, but after one has heard it a million times one gets the urge to kill.

…Thus one of my cardinal rules of bad puns (and believe me, I live for bad puns): NEVER base one off someone’s name, unless it’s a pun you’re making that combines their name with a unique situation you’re in. Otherwise, they’ve heard it before, and there’s nothing worse than being a predictable comedian.


See, this is the kind of thing I’m talking about. I know your dad is just trying to be funny, but if I’m busy and my mind is “in the zone”, I’m going to take this 100% seriously. After your dad said “awful”, I’d probably respond with a quick apology, after which I would disappear post-haste and grab the manager (which is company policy; we aren’t supposed to deal with complaints ourselves, though I generally do if I’m not in the weeds). Your dad would be embarrassed when he has to explain that he was joking, and I’d be embarrassed for not understanding the joke and for embarrassing him. He’ll also likely be pissed at me for creating the situation, which will do wonders for my tip. That’s why I vastly prefer that customers not make jokes at me when I’m obviously running my ass off. Not that I’m saying your dad does this; just taking his joke out of context as an example of what I mean.

Nah, he chimes in with the punchline before she’s had a chance to speak. And he has likely been kidding her since he got in, so she’s well aware she’s got a joker on her hands. Mostly it’s with his “regular” restaurants, but even off of “home base” I’ve never seen him get anything but laughs. That’s just one of his corniest ones.

But if a waitress got this same joke every day, several times a day, I could see where it would get annoying. At least until you learn to tune all that out as “white noise”.

I’m a pretty impatient person when it comes to delivering customer service, and even I managed to just let it slide off most of the time. I’d much rather a customer be at least trying to be nice, than one who is just simply stupid. Like the ones who used to read the 31 different kinds of Gourmet burgers at O’Brady’s Burgers and Brew (and you dolts KNOW who you are), and then look at me and say “the quacomole burger, what comes on that”???

Wherein I’d smile, lean over their menu and say “let’s see, looks like gaucomole, lettuce…” Gaaaah, give me corny attempts at jokes over idiocy anyday.

But then, that’s why I didn’t stay in the restaurant biz. :smiley:

Gah, my father-in-law does this sort of “joke” with waitresses too, except he takes it pretty far. He puts on an angry voice and looks mad, and jerks them around for a while. Sheesh.