'If there is anything I can do, let me know'

You’re over generalizing again.
I wouldn’t just show up at every acquaintance’s house unannounced and demanding things to do.
I am invited or expected and I offer to help with things that need to be done.

But why look for things to be annoyed about when someone is wishing you well or offering comfort, no matter how clumsily? There are truly insensitive things people can say, where it is obvious that they are trying to be snarky, like indicating that the death is some kind of karmic justice or well-deserved because the victim was overweight or a smoker or whatever, but barring those, why be so judgmental and ungenerous? This attitude is what keeps people from offering help at all.

I didn’t say you did.
Most of us that offer unspecified help would “do what needs to be done” if we were able to discern what that is (within reason).

This. I think people DO want to help but don’t know how. I belonged to a mom’s group, and whenever one of the members had another baby/had a problem, the group automatically went into motion. We would take turns bringing over meals, either home-cooked or arranging for pizza delivery (depending upon the culinary abilities of the contributor). We also arranged for babysitting assistance for the other, older children, if new mom had to take newborn to the pediatrician, go to the store, or even take the older kids out of the house for a while so mom could take a shower/nap (those early weeks are exhausting!).

After I had my heart attack, I had lots of people say “how can I help?” and I would tell them. I couldn’t drive for a while afterwards, so my friends would pick up my kids; take me to the doctor; stop at the pharmacy and pick up my meds; or stop at the supermarket for supplies. While I was home recuperating, I asked if my friends could bring over meals or pick up sandwiches at the deli so I could rest instead of cooking for the kids. They came over and ran the vacuum, did a load of laundry, brought me a magazine or book, that sort of thing. Mostly I would pay for any expenses they incurred while doing these favors, but often they would refuse my money.

I think the key was, not only do your friends not know what you need, but people are reluctant to ask for help, even when offered. I didn’t ask for HUGE favors from a couple of people; I asked LOTS of them to do a small task. Nobody wants to be conscripted into slave labor, but most people are happy to help out in a small way.

Don’t discount the gift you are giving to your friends by giving them the opportunity to show that they care and to feel good about themselves for helping.

So, the takeaway here, I guess is to say “Is there anything I can do to help? I make a mean casserole…”

The point she was trying to make is, if you know someone well enough, then you probably WOULD, as you say, just do what needs to be done, but most of us use the phrase when it’s someone we don’t know well enough to make reasonable assumptions. We want to help, show sympathy and so on, but we don’t want to say/do the wrong thing. The phrase “if there’s anything I can do to help, let me know” very much lets the bereaved know that you are there for them, if/when they’re ready. The phrase has a built in “I know you may not want to be bothered at this time”.

Once the shock wears off, that’s usually how you remember some of the things people say. Even if it’s not meant to be rude, people fumble over their words at funerals and the things that come out are often just horrible.

I remember when my father died. I was 15. A cousin’s boyfriend came up to me and said, “I know how hard this is, I lost my father at a young age too.” I asked him how old he was when his father had died. He told me he was 32. I knew he was just trying to be comforting. But my brain immediately switched to…

MOTHERFUCKER, THAT IS NOT YOUNG! YOU GOT 17 MORE YEARS WITH YOUR FATHER THAN I DID. YOU’RE LUCKY I DON’T BEAT YOU WITH A CHAIR RIGHT NOW!

And even now, when I’m 32, relaying this story is getting me a bit angry. Even though I know he didn’t mean anything bad by what he said.

When my husband died, I heard “Please let me know what you need” over and over again. The problem was, I was so numb & so overwhelmed that I didn’t know what I needed. I even told people that! “What can I do for you?” “I don’t know.”
The best was when people came over, glanced around,*** identified a need and dealt with it*** so I didn’t have to make those decisions, and then faded away. So:

my MIL scooped the litter box out & chucked the baggie in the trash
my mother grabbed the stuff in the laundry pile, ran it through the washer & dryer, and folded it
my next-door neighbor sent her gardening crew over to mow my front yard

Those were such helpful gestures.

Most of the other people who said “Please let me know what you need” disappeared back to their own lives within a few days or weeks, and I never heard from them again.

Sometimes in times of stress, even just coming up with an answer to the question, “What can I help you with?” is too much to deal with. On top of everything else, now I also need to think up a chore or task for you so that you can feel helpful? I just can’t.

As others have said, the people who actually offered concrete suggestions (or, in some cases, just brought dinner over and left it in take-out containers without even asking) were the best.

I would have been annoyed if people did things without asking. I was feeling like life was out of my control, so when people did things that seemed to me to be taking control from me in other ways, it bothered me.

I just point this out to say that it really is a minefield. There will never be a “right thing to say” or a “right thing to do” either as people grieving or people trying to aid those who are grieving.

The best any of us can do is try to be mindful and try not to take offense.

Yes, I got that which is why I prefaced it with “I don’t use that phrase”

Right, what you said was:

.

Based on this comment of yours AnaMen was trying to make the point/ask the question "what do you do if it ISN’T someone you know well enough to “just show up”? Which is why the phrase is used in the first place, that is, generally in cases where you don’t know the person well enough to where "just showing up would be appropriate. Do you just not say anything at all in that case?

I don’t really know how most people intend the phrase, but if I say it, I really do mean it.

I know I’m not alone in that. I remember one time a woman in our church had lost her husband. She mentioned to someone that she was struggling with yard work that she couldn’t do, and which had fallen behind while her husband was sick. This person spread the word through the church and 40 of us showed up at the woman’s house one Saturday. We pruned the trees, dug up and thinned the bulbs (the extras are still growing in my yard today), dug up and fixed the garden edging. Hell, we de-thatched her lawn - if that’s not sincerity, I don’t know what is. The ladies who didn’t want to work in the yard repainted the woman’s dining room and cleaned her kitchen to surgical standards.

“Is there any way I can help?” is so vague that you might not know what I mean by it. To make sure you know I’m serious and that you know the extent of what I’m offering, I will follow that up with some suggestions. My wife loves to cook and I do taxes for a living, so we often offer to bring dinner and help them get on the right track for taking care of final tax filings.

(On a personal note: I remember when my mother died. The catch phrase that drove me insane was “I know how you feel.” I think it’s a normal part of the grieving process to latch onto these kinds of phrases as a source of irritation, but the people saying them just don’t know what else to say.)

I’ve bitched enough in threads in other forums about how control of my own life has been taken away that I think I can say: yeah, there’s a *huge *aspect to that. However, if someone goes “Phew!” :eek: and scoops the cat crap? Yeah, I’m not gonna complain.

My dad had the *cojones *to say that to me. Considering that he’s still married to his 1st and only wife (my mom) and they’re both still alive and *more *than kicking, I just stared out the window and said nothing. Saved me from having to find a spot to hide the body, but I did very much want to shake him and yell “How on earth could you possibly know how I feel?”
It’s a shitty club. Now you belong. So do I. Yay.

This just demonstrates that you are SANE and I was… not entirely sane. I feel like I would have been clutching the kitty litter saying, “It’s MINE AND I’LL CLEAN IT WHEN I GET AROUND TO IT!” Good times.

I guess thinking on it more it is a meaningful gesture. I’m uncomfortable asking anything of anybody and will often go without favors I could could reasonably ask for.

My business is installing and maintaining domestic water systems. The relationship with properties often spans generations. Because the nature of the work demands imediate attention we see families in all states of life. My father always took the time to sit with people to tell stories about his intetactions with their loved ones who had passed away. He extended the anything I can do offer and thinking back on times past he was called upon for the offer. Occasionally he’d end up taking pictures of an old family home or delivering flowers to a grave for a family member who had moved away. He really showed a level of compassion for people ill be challenged to match.

I have taken a few people up on their offer.

I asked one person to pressure a local paper to publish his obituary despite their policy of only doing so for residents. Our ties to the town run deep qnd I feel its a reasonable exception.

I’ve also tasked a friend of his with finding what veterans death benifits he’s entitled to.

Thanks for the replies it’s a fun read to see the differing opions on the quote.

I have a close friend whose husband is almost certainly not going to make it past this round of brain tumors. He’s in his mid-30’s and they have 2 kids under age 6 and they never talk about him NOT making it. Things are stressful at their house, though I care very much for their family I can’t avoid feeling that tension.
So if I’m in the house itself I’ll say, “While my hands are already dirty from ____, how about I scoop the litter so that’s off your plate?” The gross mental image makes my friend laugh, she knows I already know where all the necessary things are since I’ve sat for their cat a dozen times and I’m already halfway down to the pan by the time she can respond.
That’s how I phrase it when I want more than anything to help someone who needs it but can’t put their finger on something at the moment b/c they’re too overcome w/ anger or grief or pain to think straight - What can I take off your plate today/this week? Would it make things easier for you if I fed the cat/brought in the mail/picked you up some dinner/lunch/breakfast? There was a story from my childhood of a man who went to the home of his grieving neighbors and asked for their dress shoes so he could clean them for when they’d be needed later that day. He didn’t ask if he could ‘maybe do anything’, he specifically said, “I’m here to clean your dress shoes.”

Fair question.
I offer my condolences and usually share a fond memory I cherish, either in person or by phone, social media, etc. I also may donate to the charity of their choosing.

But I do not recall ever using the phrase, it’s just not something I would say.