Please tell me why [Honesty in family conversations]

If your family doesnt want to tell you something, they pussyfoot around the language and seems to talk behind your back?

I would rather know than have siblings talking behind my back

My sister said everything but, dont come there (to see my mother over Thanksgiving) My mother is living there with her now and does not have a lot of time left to live.

We went to Florida to pick up furniture etc at the apartment my mother was living in. My sister asked three times (emails) if I really should go all the way down there to get the things I wanted. I told her that those items mean a lot to me. Reminds me of my (happy) childhood and my mother.

No, my other sister goes there for Thanksgiving dinner. Did she ask them if they would reconsider?
Course not.

Why not say what you mean?


Not saying makes me feel bad too. When we were there it seemed as if we were intruding.

Appreciate somewhat frank answers…thanks

How well do you accept things you don’t want to hear, or want to be true, or decisions you strongly disagree with?

Can you/will you, just accept it if your sister says, ‘This is how it will be!”, even if you disagree vehemently? Will the ensuing conflict upset your dying Mom? Make the caregiving even more challenging? Etc, etc on endlessly really.

These are the most common reasons people don’t speak directly in my experience. But also, when a traumatic death is on the horizon very, VERY often the response of the peripheral people then shifts to focusing on side details, giving them undue importance, as a way to have control over something, when they cannot control the important things, usually because someone else is in charge.

It’s possible your sis is abiding your Mom’s wishes, perhaps it’s about avoiding conflict at an already stressful time for the two of them? It could be just that simple.

Mod Hat On

I edited the title for clarity. Might help you get more responses.

Also, since this thread is asking for input and opinions, I’ll move it over to IMHO.

I read the OP three times and I’m still not sure what all is going on.

thanks for that. I wasnt sure how to put it

MOD: thanks for that. I wasnt sure how to put it

Mean Mr Mustard: I never seem to make sense, do I? :smack::slight_smile:
Elbow: My mom isnt with it anymore, that is why she was moved in.

Its just really a general question and I personalized it to understand but again, it didnt.

I just would like to know what is going on. When we were there I could feel the tension in the air and before we left from home she sent three messages asking us to reconsider citing several different reasons. I just would like to know what the problem was/is. My other sister is just as bad with no saying what is on her mind so the two of them together?? :smack::smack:

So to turn the question around, why not be upfront and honest with her and ask. “Sister, I got a vibe that you really didn’t want us to come. Is that so and if it is, how come?”

Honesty in family conversations is valuable if the relatives in question are obnoxious and you’re OK with possible permanent estrangement due to unwelcome truths being aired.

I’ve found that much preferable to the tactic employed by my parents when growing up, which was to mingle with loathed relatives on certain dreaded occasions, before which us kids were strictly warned about subjects to avoid, leading to unpleasantly tense gatherings and great relief when they were over.