I’ve been getting this a lot lately with my fathers death. I’m the only family member maintaining the familey business founded by my grandfather. Many of my customers are enormously wealthy and influential.
I feel it’s just what people say and I thank them for their offer. My sarcastic after thoughts are things like ‘sure can I borrow your leer jet I really need to get away.’ Or ‘a new car would help ease the pain’
Does anyone ever ask for something from such an offer? Have you heard funny or ridiculous requests? Are there reasonable requests people make?
I hate that phrase! When I had newborn babies, the useless people said “It there is anything I can do let me know.” The great ones said, “I can bring over dinner this week, is Thursday or Friday better?”
People want to help, but don’t want to overstep their bounds, so (often feeling helpless) this is a go-to phrase.
Translated it’s essentially “I feel so bad for you, but don’t want to insult you, step on your toes, say something that might further hurt you, and I’m not sure what (if anything) I can do to help, but I’d LIKE to…”.
Yeah, I don’t think people usually take other people up on that offer, but I think it often is meant sincerely. If I say it, I’m definitely sincere and would be happy if they told me something I could do to help. And a few times I have accepted other people’s offers, such as if I’m sick and ask someone to pick up a prescription and bring it to me.
When I say it I do try to make it clear that I really mean it and I’m not just saying it because it’s a thing to say. And asking if you can do something specific like bringing dinner is definitely nice, but there is a place for the open-ended question. Once after my friend’s boyfriend died she asked me to go with her to get a tattoo that was semi-related to him. Not something I would have ever thought to offer.
I was starting to type that it is pointless to ask a loose acquaintance, like a neighbor you’ve waved at a few times, because obviously they won’t feel comfortable asking for your help. But that’s not even true. You’re not going to call them at 2am in tears, but maybe you would like them to collect your mail while you’re out of town for a funeral or something.
I run a family business (with my father) and have known many of our customers for a VERY long time. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you” is something I’ve said for anything from someone going in for surgery to a spouse dying and I’ve meant it too. I’ve run groceries to people’s houses, I’ve picked people up and driven them places if they needed a ride etc…these people have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars with my family in the 35 years the store has been around, if they’re having some family members coming over after a wake and they need me to run a couple of gallons of milk and fruit platter to their house it’s really not a big deal.
Hell, one of my good customers (more of a corporate type customer) I picked up from an endoscopy and drove home because she couldn’t find a ride in the middle of the day.
If these people were good friends of your grandfather and other members of the family that were in the business and you know them well, yeah, you could probably get a favor from them. For example, if you pulled one of them off to the side and very nicely said “Actually, there is something you could do, business has been really slow for the past few months and with my father passing there’s been a lot to take care of around the house, do you think you could loan me 10,000 dollars for a month?”. You’d be surprised at how many of them would jump at that chance to honor your grandfather and father by lending you the money, provided the they trust you and feel that the business is good for it.
This pretty much nails it…I know you well enough to want to help, but not well enough to know what you need. And I don’t want to go prying into your business to find a way to help - whatever it is you need, just let me know and if I can, I’ll help you out
Sometimes people really do want to help out. Before I was diagnosed with cancer I hung out at the neighborhood pizzeria. I was there as least five days a week after work. To read a book, have a beer and good conversation with the other regulars. Once I was diagnosed the manager asked me if there was anything she could do. Of course I said thanks but I’ve got it covered. Well that wasn’t good enough for her. She started baking cookies and selling them at the register. Had a note that proceeds were to help me. She was raising about $500 a month. And as much as the money helped at a time when money was short. The thought behind it helped even more. For someone like me with no family it really touched me. And made me feel like people cared at a time when I felt most alone. And not just the manager and crew but from all the customers some who barely knew me.
It’s not always just something people say. People really do want to help to show how much they care. Perhaps you could set-up a fund for your Fathers favorite charity in his name that they could donate to. That way it doesn’t look like you’re trying to take advantage. But still allow them to feel that they’ve done something meaningful for your Father.
Mother taught me “The easiest way to make a friend is to do someone a favor.”
She meant that most people sincerely want to be helpful, feel useful.
Any time I have said “If there’s anything I can do to help, let me know,” I have followed up with “really and truly, I’m not just being polite.”
I’ve had a few people take me up on the offer.
When mom died, I took several people up on their offers. I chose things we could do together so that they could enjoy memories of my mother with me. We became much closer and I will never forget.
I mean it when I say it, and usually expand a little to let someone know. With our volunteering project in Romania we take teenagers every year. Over the years a few of their parents have died of cancer, and one was a suicide. In Romania we become close, and it means that sometimes there are things that we can do at a later date to help.
For example, if they were going to look at a university with their dad, or check out student digs they can ask me or one of the others to come along. Or just to read through something, help with taxes or some other thing. Ask something about women’s health if they’ve lost their mum. One of the guys is the one who gets called when the plumbing goes on a Sunday. Of course there are other people in their lives, but sometimes they do call. Sometimes a few years later even.
So I let them know that they can come to me with stupid small things or difficult big things or nothing at all and that’s all fine. You never know. I ask because I want to help. I don’t want someone to have to muddle through things without the support that a parent would give. I can’t do anything else, but maybe I can do something small there. It honestly doesn’t matter how small. Call me to ask how long to boil broccoli, if you would normally ask your mum. I can’t replace her, but I can tell you how long to boil broccoli.
I’m always happy to help a friend, but I need to know what they need from me. I could offer to come tidy their house after their knee surgery, but maybe they hired a cleaning crew or something. I’d drop by with a casserole, but what if I put cheese in it and they’re lactose intolerant? When it comes to close family and friends, I’m usually able to figure something out and be helpful without them needing to be direct about asking. If it’s a neighbor or coworker, though, I’m glad to help but need some guidance.
I wish there was a better way to convey “I will drop everything and help you out if you can tell me what you need,” because the “If there is anything I can do, let me know” phrase is often seen as a throwaway.
I’ve offered open-ended help several times and not been taken up on it, despite telling them I really seriously mean it. I know part of that is that people who are stressed or grieving can’t always think clearly about what help they need… so what’s to be done when neither party knows what needs to be done?
That will work out OK. The useless people, who are only offering their help, will pick up on your disdain for them and never offer to help again. Win win.
I use this phrase a lot. As already described, I mean I’m here to help, but I’m not sure exactly what you need. If someone was moving, I can just offer to help carry stuff. If someone’s mom passes away, I have no idea what they’re struggling with. In the past I’ve run errands, watched kids, and even hung out and got drunk with a friend whose dad just passed away (that was an easy one).
This is the best part about making the offer and NOT being specific–less risk of wasting time and effort making dinner for an entitled ingrate!
Wait until no one offers any kind of help or support, Palo Verde, and you may come to appreciate the sound of those kind words.
I don’t think I ever use the phrase, I don’t make promises to help people, I just do it.
I’m more of a person that would show up at your door and say “OK I’m here, what can I help you with?”
If you know the person well enough to be certain your presence is welcome, sure, but uninvited visitors are very upsetting for a lot of people, and some people don’t WANT any help. There is no one-size-fits-all correct thing to say or do.
The phrase is a basic social functor – something that is used for social utility. It’s like asking “How are you?” It’s not entirely literal, but is a way of saying, “I sympathize with your problem.” It comforts the bereaved and creates a bond with the person who says it.
No one takes it literally, or expects to ask more than just minor help. But it signals that if the bereaved does need some errands to run, that they can consider asking you for help.
I think the problem is that when someone says “let me know how I can help” you still feel a bit hesitant in imposing on them (unless they’re someone you’re really close to). While the sentiment is sincere, I think it’s usually more helpful to offer something a bit more concrete, like bringing food over or offering to watch the kids or whatever.
Of course, sometimes you really can’t know what would be the most helpful. When we were planning our wedding my friends kept asking me over and over again what they could do to help. They probably regretted their offers once I put them to work in my paper pom pom sweatshop.
That is it exactly. Years ago I had a child die, soon after birth, due to medical negligence. My wife and I attended a bereavement support group and I was amazed at the whining that went on at every session. People would complain about things such as - no one ever mentions my loss, no one ever refers to my dead child by name, no one asks how I’m doing, people pretend it never happened…
It seemed pretty obvious to me that no one does those things because it’s really hard. If you break your leg in a skiing accident I can make a joke about your stupidity and start a conversation about it. Not so easy with a dead baby. Trying to talk about this stuff soon had me on everyone else’s shit list.
I’ve never had anyone close to me die. But it seems like there would be nothing anyone could say to me that would’t annoy me, if I thought too hard about it.
“I’m sorry for your loss.” You’re sorry?? So it’s all about YOUR feelings now??
“I know what you’re going through.” So now you’re a mind reader??
“She’s in a better place.” She’s in the damn ground, covered in fungus and worms. I know that’s my idea of heaven.
“You’ll get through this. Just stay strong.” I was gonna throw in the towel. But hearing your platitudes has thoroughly changed my mind!"
“Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” Get outta my face! That’s what you can do!
I guess my point is that finding the “right” thing to say is difficult. Out of all the trite things that could be said, “let me know…” is the least annoying, IMHO.
