To my girl cat, Cam “Why do you hate your brother so much? Why do you start growling as soon as he walks in the room? If you were nicer to him he might be nicer to you.”
To my boy cat Vespa “Why do you hate your sister so much? Why do you launch so many unprovoked surprise attacks on her? If you were nicer to her she might be nicer to you.”
I realise the answers to these are partially embedded in the questions but “There are plenty of nice warm places to sleep in, you have as much food as you want, I always give you an equal share of treats and we’d all enjoy life a lot more if you would just play nicely together.”
You know, I was going to post something to ask my Persian cross, Alex, but this covers it perfectly. I mean perfectly.
To my big fat cat Tequila: How is it that you’re huge, and apparently gaining weight, and yet I never see you eat anything?
To my little black cat Luna: Do you like the room we fixed up for you? We tried to make it really comfortable, with only stuff from your old house; did we do a good job? Are you happy there? (technically three questions, but not really)
To my big Chow/Golden cross Kirby: Why must you suddenly decide that a spot on one of your front legs is bothersome, and lick it until all the hair is gone and the skin is raw and icky? It can’t be comfortable. Why?
To Princess: When will you learn to tolerate the young’uns? You were here first, you are the undisputed Queen Of All You Survey - how about cutting us commoners some slack and lighten up just a tiny bit.
To Baby: Why must you torment Princess? We know you want her to be your friend, but smacking her on top of her head is probably not the best way to say “Come play with me!”
To Jelly: Are you sure one of your parents wasn’t an ape of some sort? 'Coz really, you look like you should be eating a banana and hanging by your tail, Monkey-boy!
To Goldie: What can we do to alleviate your fear and apprehension of humans and the unknown?
Heh. I know any number of people to whom I can ask Goldie’s question…
Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?
Well, except she doesn’t. She can bathe thoroughly, take a nap, and wake up from the nap to bathe thoroughly again. Sometimes she starts over from the beginning after she has bathed. I think maybe she has OCD.
Loki fishes dirty socks or clean socks out of any hamper or basket, even if they’re underneath everything. Then he eats large holes in them. I have to hang clean and dirty socks out of reach.
He also fishes tasty morsels out of the bathroom trash. Now we deposit them in the kitchen garbage, which is too tall for him to get into (and it has a lid). I don’t mind him eating the q-tips, but finding used condoms amongst the treasures in the litter box is just too much.
My vet answered this one for me when my Shiba started doing the same thing - he’s bored. He needs more excitement. Get him a puppy.
Now for my answers:
Edith: What is it about your toys? I understand you like them, but that humping thing you do when you get particularly excited points to obsessive-compulsive behavior. And just because you spend an hour fixedly staring at the toy, then at me, then at the toy, then at me, doesn’t mean I’m going to put my life on hold to play fetch with you.
Frodo: Why the HELL do you insist on pissing on the dog bed? And why did you do it last night, within 20 seconds of me putting the freshly laundered cover on the dog bed after you pissed on it this morning? WTF is it about the dog bed? Aren’t dogs supposed to be smart enough NOT to piss where they sleep? And I know you sleep on it, you do it every night.
Like Sgt. Pepper, I would start with a statement. I would tell my beautiful little Russian Blue baby, Meep, who was recently diagnosed with lymphoma, that I hate having to take her to chemo each week where she gets stuck with needles, and that it breaks my heart when she cries in the carrier on the way over. Then I would tell her I love her and ask her if she understands and forgives me. I’m pretty sure she does, but it would be nice to know for sure…
Oh, and I would ask my younger Singapura boy, Ozzy, “Why do you insist on pawing your way into the shower and pulling up the drain cover? I mean, I know Singapuras are drain cats and all, but this is taking things a bit too far!”
Boy Kitty, what is going on? First you cry to the Great God of the Laundry Room (aka the washing machine) for hours at a time until we started keeping the lid shut. Now you cry to the Great God of the Shower. You hate water, so why do you climb in the tub and cry and cry and cry? Is it the echo? You’re doing this just to freak me out, aren’t you?
Stella, you’ve lived with us for almost 10 years now. We have always been gentle and oh-so-careful with you. Why are you still so scared of us? Just what did your previous family do to you to leave you so horribly terrified?
Baby, if you can’t wash your nether regions properly, maybe you should try to move around a bit more. I’m just sayin’. Chase Stella; she expects it anyway.
Cat#1, why do you YAHOOOOWUULLLLLLLLLLL every night at about 11pm?
Cat#2, may I groom you, please?
Cat#3&4, is there a cat heaven? (affirmative answers only, please)
Reggie - Why do you insist on barking incessantly? Do you think that in the 5 minutes I was in the other room I forgot you existed? And you do know the other dogs would leave you alone if you would shut up, right?
Rudy - Why do you hate Reggie?
Madi - Are you really happy? (She survived Distemper, and while left with a slight head twitch and a happy demeanor, I sometimes wonder if it was ever better to have just let her go). Also, why do you insist on standin on us while we sleep? You are 50lbs you know.
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