Fly around in my restored/converted/updated ME-262 and take potshots at commercial airliners.
Capt
You’re Bananas!
I’d make every elected official with children have to send their kids to the public school within their jurisdiction. Maybe then we’d get the proper funding for public schools.
I’d get the world’s weirdest hairpiece and start a TV show with a fake boardroom where I could pretend to fire D-list celebrities.
No one’s allowed to smoke,
Or tell a dirty joke,
And whistling is forbidden!
I’d have homes for children that I’ve had removed from the custody of their parents. If your parents are…
Anti-vaccination, or
Members of the Westboro Baptist Church, or
hoarders, or
sexually abusive, or
members of quite a variety of other groups
…you would be taken from them to live in these other places. I’d be sure they were very well funded, kids would have their own rooms, nice clothes, good local schools to attend, and supervisors that are well paid and care about kids. Any adult superisor that abused the trust and hurt a child in one of these homes would, at the least, be thrown naked into a pool of hungry piranhas. I want the kids to feel safe!
Visits with family would be allowed, but under observation. Same thing for calls and letters. Once a child reaches eighteen they of course could, if they so wished, return to their parents, and they would be wished well. But if they don’t want to return my system would be liberal in funding scholarships for higher education.
A foolish idea, but 'tis mine own.
Jeebus people, enforcing bullshit rules makes for a lot of time spent on bullshit.
What I would do:
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Do all my flying about 3 feet off the ground. Any people, buildings, trains, etc., that get in my way, too bad for them.
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Have occasional temper tantrums when I destroy whole cities, and tell the world it must do “better”, with no further explanation.
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Have my own version of Olympic games, just for me. But use human beings as the game paraphenalia. I throw them like javelins, smush them into round and dribble them like basketballs, strap them to my feet and ski down mountains, etc.
I’d drive really slow in the ultra fast lane.
Right, and del Toro? Get crackin’ on Hellboy 3!
I would dress up like Cobra Commander, with the metal facemask. Nobody would know what I look like under the facemask, so I can run around incognito whenever I want.
Of course, anyone who annoys me when I’m going incognito will eventually get visited by goons of some kind, to rough them up. Not immediately (so they can’t put together the fact that it was pissing me off that triggered the goons to show up) but after some time passes so there’s little chance of connecting my secret identity with the revenge.
Anyone that uses text-message style contractions, or really any form of communication that kind of irritates me, gets fined $100 per “word” that they use that way.
I’d probably create some rules that are beneficial because I like them, but people would probably think I’m an asshole for doing them.
Whenever I’m going out dressed up in my Cobra Commander outfit, I’d drive around in something ridiculous, like an M1 Abrams tank. Other people would be wholly responsible for getting themselves out of my way when I come at them if they don’t want to be run over.
I’d probably completely screw with any and all belief systems and any other method of behavior I deem irrational, or even just plain annoying by enacting all sorts of ridiculous and arbitrary rules against them. Not just religions, either, this includes wacky environmentalist groups, vegans, believers in all sorts of nonsense like psychics and aliens, etc, etc…and pretty much anyone else I would mock for a behavior, belief, or way of life. If I don’t agree with your way of life, I’ma be an asshole and screw with it.
Godzilla wants to fly 3 feet off the ground?
People who use the phone in the restroom will be shot or at least zapped repeatedly with a cattle prod. (Nothing the world is that f***ing important).
While we are at it hyper-connectivity will be pared back. We don’t need tweet every stupid thing we think or do. We don’t need to be connected to everyone instantly. We don’t need to be expected to check and respond to our work email 24/7.
Intelligence/competence testing will be mandatory.
If you don’t know how to drive properly - no license for you.
If you can’t figure out how to scan, pack (stop lifting item into you cart. the packing area has a weight sensor you moron) and pay at one of those cashier-less checkouts then you can’t use them. You get a separate line, the one with the slow and talkative cashier.
12 item or less limits will be strictly enforced (cattle prods). If you can’t count, too bad for you.
Donald Trump will be on TV 1 hour every day, where anyone can sign up to ridicule him for any reason. When we get bored of Donald, there will be an election to select a new ridiculee.
The semi-scripted “Reality TV” concept will be banned.
These rules will be strictly enforced when I take over the entire Tri-State Area.
(Perry the Platypus will have to be jailed, so as not to thwart my schemes)
The entire world would be required to switch to the Rankine temperature scale overnight without warning. This includes all legal documents and scientific research.
In an effort to share national and cultural identities, every country would be required to trade a letter that they don’t have. For example, English would give up ‘M’ and gain ‘מ’ (/mem/) from Hebrew.
TV weatherמen would lose 0.5% of their salary every tiמe they are wrong by מore than ±464.67°R. And don’t think for a מinute that I’ll play fast and loose with the deciמals.
The nuמber 3 is hereby outlawed. No מore Opal lists (מay she rest in peace).
And the US will use the Metric system from this day forward.
Capt
Mandatory music lessons for everyone. The instrument choices are bagpipes, ukulele, vuvuzela, didgeridoo, accordion and kettle drum.
Thunderdome for clowns and mimes. The last survivor will be made my court jester/Secretary of War.
Fill in the Grand Canyon and make it the world’s biggest hot tub. Use Yellowstone to heat it. (screw the logistics).
Film a new version of Hamlet starring Pauly Shore, Adam Sandler, Katherine Heigl, Fran Drescher and Patrick Stewart.
George Lucas is to be lobotomized to prevent him from even thinking about Star Wars anymore.
Feed Al Gore to a polar bear.
Re-baptise Pat Robertson and the Westboro Baptist Church in a piranha infested river.
Carve “Weird” Al’s head into Mt. Rushmore.
The national anthem is to be replaced by “Louie, Louie” and the Pledge of Allegiance is to be replaced by Longfellow’s “Song of Hiawatha”.
Anyone who entered America illegally can stay provided they can sing “I am the very model of a modern Major General” in an English accent while walking a tightrope over an alligator pit. To not seem overly cruel they can go back to their country of origin to practice.
All PETA members are to be sent on an African safari so they can enjoy nature to its fullest. They will, of course, be naked and unarmed just like the wildlife.
Rush Limbaugh and Rachel Maddow must make a porn film. The employees of both Fox News and MSNBC will be strapped to chairs like in “Clockwork Orange” and be forced to watch it repeatedly while listening to speeches by Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton.
I am the official boob inspector.
It would be an honor for any woman to have her breasts fondled by me.
My official Vice President of Being Not Quite Right would be my dog.
Her annual salary would be $10 million.
My work hours are from 9 to 5, 5 after nine that is (9:05)
All government employees will wear black uniforms, with jackboots.
When we get universal healthcare, medical records will be kept by the FBI. (Why not? Your privacy is as safe with one set of bureaucrats, as it would be with any other. Besides, if you want Big Brother to take care of you, you should be willing to let him snoop a little.)
Everyone will be required to carry a card, stating whether they support or oppose gun control. Whenever a cop is accused of mistreating a civilian, those who support gun control will be required to wait seven days before making any public comment.
I like these two.
I’m a really, really big asshole. People who piss me off would be forced to become what they bitch about. People who never stop squawking unbidden about how disgusting smoking is would be forced to become smokers. Anti-abortion dead-baby-sign-holders would be forcibly impregnated, then have the fetuses forcibly aborted. The Westboro Baptist Church would be forced to perform gay acts. Skinny bitches who make fun of fat girls would be force-fed until *they’re *fat. Muahaha!
What’s your policy on underwear?
I’d make every clique of goths, emos and hipsters hang out with at least one embarrassing, spazzy person and his/her bodyguard.
I think I need about a 60,000 acre private estate in SE MN. All local infrastructure will be removed from this area except what I think I need. I of course, in my infinite Unobtainium based wealth, will pay for everything associated with this demand. Land, relocation, removal of stuff, rerouting roads, etc. I’ll allow the interstate to continue through, but pay to have it elevated. Just for giggles.
Then I will be the worst tyrant the world has ever seen. Not evil for evil’s sake, but it will surely be seen as evil by quite a few people who want to continue doing their own evil and don’t like me interfering.
Like say, starting with North Korea. Say it in a fabulous voice with me; “Total makeover!” 