All digital clocks or digital time displays will automatically switch over to 24 hour time when they’re switched over to “set time” and “set alarm” mode. I won’t care whether they’re on 12 or 24 hour mode when you look to see what time it is, but when you want a hot pot of coffee waiting for you at 6am, you don’t want it at 6pm.
Women displaying more than 2" of cleavage and/or excessive side or underboob will not be permitted to wave the “Hey, my eyes are up HERE!” flag.
Professional sports teams can pay for their own stadiums.
Street mimes will be suspended upside down in a scorpion pit. On the walls of the pit will be upside down signs that say “Learn the words and SAY them.”
No driving in the car pool lane if you are not a car pool. Ever. Or you will have to become a substitute kindergarten teacher to learn what “more than one” means.
If I were King of the Earth, there would be no professional sports teams.
Paying $50,000,000 for a guy who can throw a ball real fast? Fuck that noise.
Ya wanna play ball? Cool. We’ll grade a lot for ya. We’ll even put up lights so you can play into the evening, and stands so people can sit and watch. I’ll even spring for buses so you can have cross-town games.
All of your personal “stinks” presently escaping to the outside–cologne, perfume, dryer sheets, fabric softener, ciggies–will be kept in your house. If you stink that badly, go to the hospital.
Everything geared to the “average” height (5’8"[?]) will be lengthened/extended 4"–lawn mower (and similar) handles, rakes and similar tools, kitchen counter-tops, automobile seats (distance to pedals), doorknobs, to name a few.
You all will follow the rules of the road or I will take said roads away from you.
Eyeglasses will be free.
The Beatles will re-unite (even the dead ones; especially the dead ones).
Europeans will be forced to change the way they use comma/period in writing numbers, to the sane American system (as with words, commas are optional for clarity, periods are required and have meaning); however Americans will be forced to use the sane European way of writing days (least significant to most significant: day-month-year).
After that, I’ll think about unimportant things like climate change, human rights, and the designated hitter rule. I’m happy to use public funds to build stadiums for professional teams-- but the public will share in the profits, too (and sure, pro teams can relocate all they want to, but they’ll have to pay the large escape fee in the contract…)
Airlines will be required to provide seats with sufficient width and leg room to accommodate 95% of the height and width parameters of the world’s population. Said airlines will not be able to penalize customers for this mandatory space requirement.
All government employees would wear gaudy uniforms. Social workers would wear black uniforms with jackboots.
Universal healthcare. Run by the army medical corps. Instead of malpractice lawsuits, incompetent doctors face UCMJ penalties. A monumentally incompetent doctor gets busted back to E-1, and spends the rest of his career cleaning bedpans in Point Barrow.
Medical records will be kept by the FBI. (Why not? Your privacy is as safe with one set of bureaucrats, as it would be with any other. Besides, if you want them changing your diapers, you should be willing to let them snoop.)
All drugs would be legal. Those who practice self-indulgence would die. Those who practice self-discipline would live. After they buried a lot of their elders and a few of their friends, the next generation of teenagers would grow up, sadder but wiser. (We would also legalize prostitution. That way, the junkies would be able to support themselves until they OD.)