You’ll be getting a name change soon after, I presume? 
>All health insurance must cover installation of femur-adjustment implants, allowing tall people to adjust thigh length in cramped conditions. Or…
>The bureau of weights and measures will abolish the standards now used for public seating, the height of counter-tops, desks, and work stations, etc. These standards will be replaced by numbers reflecting actual human sizes today.
Since the vast majority of humanity is 5’ 3" Asians weighing barely 125 lbs, I think you might be surprised at the result of this new regulation.
What is this obsolete am/pm of which you speak? When I am King all digital clocks will have only 24 hour mode.
Car horns will only sound for 1/10th of a second no matter how long the driver holds down the switch. And once sounded they won’t make any noise again for 2 hours no matter what the driver does.
No cars, trucks, busses, or motorcycles will have loud engines or exhausts. If you can’t converse in a normal tone while one goes by at maximum acceleration, you are free to kill the owner or the driver or both.
Prime rib and scotch will no longer have adverse health consequences even if taken to massive excess.
Allow me to clarify. 95% of the range of existing human sizes, not the average size of 95% of the human population. Whew! That was a close one. :eek:
All dates to be writen in the “YYYY/MM/DD” format, on pain of death.
after the “two chicks at the same time” marathon
All eating establishments will be required to hand-wash all dishes. WELL. On pain of pain. They will also be Marine Corps inspection ready at all times.
There will be no noise requirements concerning big round engines.
There will be no auto insurance but gun fights at accident sites will be allowed.
I will be the arbitrator of what constitutes intolerance and I won’t tolerate any arguments about it.
Curious as to your 2nd rule. What’s the benefit of hand washing over machine washing?
on 2, it should also include “Women must always display maximum cleavage.”
Note I said “well” Hand washed dishes appear to be more thoroughly cleaned than machine.
Thank You! You’re gonna love the rest of my platform!
What kind offense will get a patient sent to Point Barrow when they require hospitalization?
Or are you going to just have all the bedpans sent to Point Barrow when they need to be cleaned?
Europeans will have their date convention changed from DD/MM to MM/DD.
This is because I intend to be a benevolent ruler, and I want them to experience the wonder that is pi Day.
Yes, I could accomplish this goal by decreeing that April shall henceforth have 31 days, but this way does the job without screwing with the calendar too much.
Scamming, spamming, hacking, robocalling, phishing, and telemarketing will become capital offenses. Politicians are not exempt.
Decorating for any holiday before the previous holiday has passed will be banned.
All kids will be raised as free range kids.
“And in those days men will seek death and will not find it; they will long to die, and death flees from them.”
This includes all retail venues and all forms of advertising. Any evidence of impending US Christmas prior to the day after US Thanksgiving will result in a merciless cull of all involved.
People who run red lights will be forced to be pedestrians crossing the same intersection until killed by another red light runner. Lather rinse repeat.
Kids will have dedicated well-meaning parents and schools will have dedicated well-meaning teachers & staff. And funding sufficient to the need.
Okay, I’ve had more time to consider this.
I’m going to mess with the calendar. All months will have either 30 or 31 days. No more February has 28 days. I’ll chop the 31st off 2 months and add them to February. And on leap year, Feb will have 31 days. Yes, pre-change birthdays will have to be recalculated. A chart will be printed up and distributed. Deal with it.
I like the date format used in the US Military. Date, 1st 3 letters of the month, last 2 digits of the year. Today would be 15MAR16. But I do like the Pi Day thing also. This needs to simmer mentally a bit.
More to come later.
I’d fuck until I’m skinny.
The US would convert to the metric system. The rest of the world would convert to Imperial measure.
I’d ride around in a sedan chair.
I’d issue edicts and mandates.
My countenance on the newly minted, slightly radioactive half-penny.
ETA: I’d keep an eye on that skinny fella.