If you had Jedi Powers-pointless and stupid things you'd do

In My Humble Opinion
21

Oh, definitely the power of suggestion:

Panhandler: Gimme some change

Broomstick: You don’t really want to ask me for money

Panhandler: I don’t want ask you for money

Broomstick: You want to take a bath… Lake Michigan is over there

Pandhandler: I’m going to go over there and take a bath

Telemarketer: Hi! I have a GREAT opportunity for –

Broomstick: Your job really sucks

Telemarketer: Hey, this job really sucks

Broomstick: Welfare would be preferable

Telemarketer: I’d rather be on welfare

Broomstick: Go back to school… a community college, maybe

Telemarketer: I think maybe I’ll go back to community college…

FAA: We have a report you violated airspace over Mayor Daley’s townhouse in Chicago, dropping toilet paper and whoopie cushions over the neighborhood.

Broomstick: You never received that notice

FAA: Sorry, ma’am, there seems to have been a mistake…

Broomstick: You should delete that erroneous information

FAA: I’ll have to go back to the district office and fix this.

Broomstick: It was that pilot over there, Fat Bastard, and his friend, Jerkezoid

FAA: I’m really sorry, I can’t imagine how I read “Fat Bastard” as “Broomstick”…

Broomstick: Apologize one more time.

(Scene of abject groveling ensues…)

22

I’d finally find out just what my ferrets are thinking. Oh, and nudge a few Mega Bucks numbers in my favor.

23

I’d play tennis really, really, really well. Not only could I hit the ball EVERY TIME, but I could move the opponent out of the way, as well as direct the ball where I wanted it. I guess that would be good for golf, too. Bwahaha.

I could read teachers’ minds to see the exact answer to the questions they were asking.

And the Jedi Mind Trick…oh, I could do many, many things with that. Too numerous to mention. From grownups, to druggies (ala AOTC), to presidents.

24

I really must recommend, at least for those of you blessed with broadband, a little film called “Your lightsaber and You.” I learned so much about the Jedi way in this film I simply cannot commend it enough. Most importantly I learned not to point your lightsaber towards your face before turning it on.

http://atomfilms.shockwave.com/af/content/your_lightsaber

25

You will all pay for your lack of vision.

Two words.

Force Lightning.

26

Man, I’d be over to the Dark Side sooo fast!

27

Wedgies at random to people who piss me off.

That would be plenty enough for me.

28

I would use it to ensure I never paid for beer again…

No, wait, I don’t do that anyway!
Can I have another go?

:smiley:

29

Three words…

HOLE - IN - ONE

30

I hear you there. First time a coworker breaks their computer…

“Hi, slortar…office is doing something…GAAAHH!!”

“DIE!”

zot

31

Anytime someone got angry, I’d put incresing pressure on their testicles. If they ever got too angry, POP.

This would end road rage.

32

Speaking of road rage, I’d have to work really hard to get the levitation thing down just right, but I tell you what…I’d have entire lanes of the highway to myself. And that slow fuck driving twenty in a fourtyfive? ::FLIP:: “OFF THE ROAD WITH YE!!!”

Then I’d use the jedi mind trick to make all my female friend STOP THINKING THAT THEY’RE FAT.

33

Too many of you aren’t thinking small enough, look to wolfman for inspiration.

I’d never again have to bend over to pick up dirty laundry on the floor.

34

Erase Jar Jar Binks and his entire species of bell-bottom clad aliens from the imagination of George Lucas before he created that abomination “The Phantom Menace”.

35

Note to self: NEVER cut Dale off in traffic…
:smiley:

36

Force lightning, eh?

“Dude, it’s only five minutes late! I don’t have your stupid Crazy Bread!”

“Your feeble pizza-delivery skills are no match for the power of the Dark Side. And now, young pizza boy…you will die.”

FZAP!

I’d need a bathrobe to complete the look, of course, but still…

37

From Highlights:

Gallant uses the Force to help people.

Goofus uses the Force to lift watches and wallets.

38

I wanna be El Elvis Rojo’s friend. Will you make me stop noticing my hair is all split-endy too? <wheedling>I make great lasagna.</wheedling>

I’d make people who try to merge onto the freeway at 40mph drive faster, if it was safe. I’d mind-control the Devil’s Grandfather into cleaning the garage.

39

The downside of all of this:

Scene: the DMV

Me: I’d like to transfer the title of this car into my name, please.

Dillhole: I’m sorry, sir, you stepped up to the window before I called you. You’ll have to go to the back of the line.

Me: You are mistaken. You called me first.

Dillhole: Heh, heh, heh. Stupid Jedi mind trick. Heh, heh, heh. BACK OF THE LINE!!