If you ignore them, do they go away?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Mom’s suggestion for dealing with people who were nasty, taunting, unpleasant, or otherwise unwanted was: “Ignore him/her/them and they’ll go away.”

Does that ever work? I think back to school - during the gloriously awkward middle school years, some of the boys would call me rather insulting names. I ignored them. I was dying inside, but I never reacted to them. They eventually got tired of tormenting me. There are a couple of guys at work who used to drive me crazy and I did my best to ignore them. I finally confronted them, and they no longer do what bothered me - at least not around me. So in that case, ignoring didn’t work.

How about you? Have you ever ignored your annoyances away? Or is action required?

2

In your second example, I wonder if they would have stopped if you had confronted them at first. Instead, would they have just turned up the heat thinking they were going to upset you that much more. It is hard to tell.

The only time I was ever confronted with this was in the 8th grade. A group of guys singled me out and made my life miserable during lunchtime at school. The next year they were all gone and I realized that they had to go to work and to them I represented the privileged class. Besides the main point of this story it also shows everything is relative, since I sure wasn’t from money. Anyway, I told this story to say that the answer to your question has a lot to do with why you are being picked on. Sometimes you may deserve it and other times there may be another reason. Rather than ask should you ignore it or not, perhaps taking a look at the cause may help in some cases. I think that you are speaking of cases where your antagonizers are plain and simple assholes. In that case, I have no idea whether ignoring them would be the best idea.

3

I tried it where I used to work and it didn’t work. The people just got more and more irate. Then again, I worked at a call center :smiley:

4

It depends what the reson for the tormenting is. If they are bullies and see you as vulnerable, then confrontation might be your best bet. If it’s jealousy, wallow in it - rub it in! And in that case, DON’T react, and be perfectly pleasant. It’ll drive them crazy.

5

I’ve had two bullying experiences in my life. The first one was from grade one to about grade four. It was actually my “friends” that were doing the bullying. I was (still am) a loser with minimal friends, so they were the only people who would hang out with me. We would play tag at recess and lunchtime, but the problem was, I was always “it”. And I was a slow runner, so I couldn’t pass it on. They would taunt me for being slow too. It went on for about three years, and I was miserable. Then, one day, it hit me that if I didn’t want to play, I didn’t have to. So, one day at lunch, we were let loose by the teachers and they ran away from me, and I stood there staring at them, and after about three seconds they turned around to try to figure out why I wasn’t chasing them anymore. After that, I realised I didn’t need them and started spending my free time in the library reading up a storm. I’m not sure ignoring them did any good, they did try to coax me back into playing with them, and I think I might have, but it was so long ago I don’t remember it very clearly.

I switched schools in grade six, and the new school was entirely different. I didn’t fit in. There were these boys who were the biggest jerks. My hair used to be longish and umanagable, and when you’re a kid, the last thing you think about is perfect hair. At least that was the way I was. They kept throwing eraser bits in my hair, and writing on the blackboards: **7 up yours loves [some other big loser in class] **. And no amount of ignoring would make it stop. My friends didn’t help much either. So, finally, near the end of the school year, I really have had it with them. So, one night at home, I used the really foamy clay-like things (they were a big hit when I was young. They were mainly used for making jewlery although the result was usually crap), dried the stuff out so it was rubbery, and cut them into pieces. I put them into a ziplock bag, and it was ready ammunition for the next day. When they threw eraser bits at me again, the bag came out, I grabbed a handful and threw them at alpha-bully. I still remember him saying “Holy crap!! What is that shit?!” as one hit him in the eye. (HA!) After that, they stopped bothering me. So, in the case of this one, they didn’t stop until they learned what payback meant.

Also, these events happened a loooooong time ago when teachers cared jack about bullying. Nowadays, you tell a teacher and alarms will go off. A good or bad thing, I have yet to decide.

6

I expect all bets are off when it comes to cats. All evening I’ve been trying to get mine to submit to a little skritching. He blew me off. But the moment I sat here at the computer, he’s rubbing all over me. So ignoring him isn’t possible.

Incidentally, I’m not looking for advice. In my old age, I’m inclined to give folks what-for if they grate on me. I was just wondering if anyone else had any luck using the ignore mode. I’m thinking what my mom and what moms thru the ages have said isn’t really very good advice.

Gotta go - damn cat is being a nuisance. :smiley:

7

You know, ignoring them never did me any good. The best thing to do, as both a child and an adult, is to make it worth their while to leave you alone. I finally figured out in sixth grade that if I insulted and said nasty things back to the girl who teased me, she would leave me alone - especially since I was better at coming up with insults than she was. As an adult, I’ve come to understand that most bullies don’t want to be called on their behavior. It embarrasses them. Those who can’t be embarrassed can have the consequences of their action - reprimands at work, legal complaints, etcetera - explained to them and then enforced.

8

Tough call.

I’ve ignored a lot of horrible behavior from various people, as I’m sure we all have…and in the case of my dad, for instance, ignoring him only made him think he was winning. But if I tried to respond calmly, or with more grace than he ever exhibited, he’d take it also as a sign of weakness and try to “press the advantage.” Classic bully, my dad.

So I finally gave him both barrels a couple of years ago. Everything I’d never said before I finally said, plus interest. I just laid it all on the table.

He hasn’t so much as whimpered since. I honestly think he’s caught somewhere between newfound respect, and intense irritation at being “bested.” We don’t talk as much, but that’s fine. And there’s something funny about it, too; the old adage that “if you’ve got nothing nice to say, say nothing” was never more true.

People like my dad–people who can be genuinely cruel–should be confronted, I think, if you can’t just escape them.

People who can be avoided should just be avoided, but that’s not often possible. Co-workers, family, etc., don’t just go away because you want them to.

So I say walk away until they won’t let you walk away anymore, and then give 'em what they’re asking for.

Life’s too short to be trampled on by assholes.

9

Now, I am only talking about garden variety nusaince bullies - teasing, practical jokes, intimidation - basically stuff that falls below the level of abuse where police intervention is justified.

I am also only refering to male on male bullying. If you are a guy being bullied by a girl, there’s not much you can do (unless you both fall in love). Girls also have a complex bullying interaction different from boys which I won’t get into.
That said - no, ignoring bullies does not make them go away.

Here’s what does:

-Don’t do things to draw attention to yourself as a bully target - don’t dress like a freak, don’t act like a douchebag, don’t suck at everything, maybe go to the gym a little.

-Be tougher, wittier or cooler than a bully. Bullies don’t bother people who stand up to them. They don’t want an entire class laughing at them after your clever come-back. They rarely want to catch a fist in the face.

  • Actually scratch that, be tougher, wittier or cooler than the biggest dork in the group. Let him deal with it.

-Don’t be a loner. Make some friends. Get involved with stuff. People who are always on the outside are easy targets for bullies.

-Don’t be a freakin pussy about everything. People who whine all the time draw bullies.

10

I found all my bullies stopped after a good, sound ass-kicking, playground style. Ignoring them didn’t work. Beating the crap out of them did. One had his reputation ruined after he took a swing at me, I reared back to punch, and he started running away. He NEVER heard the end of that.

11

Sometimes it can work, but most of the time not, IME.

However, you asked about the times ignoring worked. I have a work colleague who is mentally a teenager still, thinks he’s god’s gift to women, and has control issues. He delights in calling me names that irritate me and are not work-appropriate. I decided, as my position is one that gives me information that he needs, that until he addressed me properly I would not respond. I wasn’t IGNORING him, so he would know he had gotten to me, I just did not respond, as if immersed in my work, with only my name drawing me out of my studious and industrious behaviour. It worked, he no longer tries to call me anything but my name.

On the flip side, he did come over and start rubbing my shoulders one day. I was not about to ignore THAT. I immediately said sternly “don’t touch me”, to which he responded “why not”. A firm “I wasn’t aware I needed to give a reason. Just don’t do it.” So there are times when ignoring works and times when it doesn’t. or isn’t the best approach.

FWIW, I think the advice people give to “ignore it and it will go away” is perhaps overused by a thousandfold. The occasions when ignoring nasty behaviour is appropriate is much, much less than the occasions it is advocated IMO.

12

Hmm, I thought this was going to be a thread about ones children or ones pets…

In which case I would have to say no to both…:smack:
I’m kidding of course…

13

As a deeply unhappy 12-year-old I was simply INCAPABLE of ignoring them. It just wasn’t gonna happen. And the sort of abuse I got was the sort that, if it happened now, I’d be calling the police! Not just teasing. I know the difference.

I might be able to ignore somebody now, but I also am not in the middle of puberty thereby not in the middle of a hormonal hurricane, and I’m pretty sure I could come up with a more appropriate response, if it was a situation that called for one.

14

Sound’s like he has a case of Sam Malone Syndrome (Cheers). Basically, he is using a technique of flirting which consists of teasing and badgering banter to try and develop a connection which under the right circumstances (ie after a few office happy hour drinks) might lead to hooking up.

The thing with some guys is that if you give them even the slightest indication of interest, they will persist. You basically need to tell them to fuck off so they can go and sulk.

15

I’ll vouch for that. 3 bullies in the 6th grade. 3 fights in the 7th grade, one ass kicking (the bullie’s of course), and 2 draws (teacher’s broke it up before I could kick their ass). 16 total days of in school, 0 bullies in the eigth grade. I’m just glade bully #4 did not exist or I would have been expelled.

16

Same here. If there’d been zero tolerance when I went through, I would’ve been expelled two or three times. Some people are just asking for it, though, and you can’t ignore them, they keep poking and persisting.

17

Thinking back - I have done both and always perfered the “just ignore them” method. Eventually they get bored with it and look for a new toy.

But a time or two that didn’t work. I remember one guy in particular didn’t give up until I kicked him in the nose.

Some people learn harder than others I guess.

18

Good lord, there’s still a debate on this??

Listen, EVERYONE who ever says this is fully aware that, in the vast majority of instances, it does not work. It’s an excuse. A cop-out. A smoke screen.

It’s the responsibility of any school to ENFORCE courtesy and politeness among its students. Just about every school’s code of conduct spells this out to the letter. It’s only because enforcement at too many schools is utterly nonexistent that the sociopaths are allowed to run absolutely wild.

“Just ignore it” is tantamount to surrender. It means that the inmates are in complete control, and there’s nothing anybody can do. And some people are simply doomed to the most miserable childhood imaginable.

P.S.: Likewise, “They’re supposed to handle it themselves” is a cop-out. What, there’s supposed to be more violence on campus?

19

The only time ignoring someone worked for me was back when I was about nine years old. Ignoring my sister worked because what she wanted was to irritate me. When she couldn’t make me yell at her anymore, she quit.

These days I either directly, politely ask them to stop or rip them a new one, depending on my mood and the situation. I get good results from both methods but I’m only proud of myself when I employ the former technique.

20

I haven’t had much success with the ignoring them will make them go away strategy.

When I was in the sixth grade, I was going through a perfectly horrible time in my life. My great-grandfather had 3 heart attacks in a day, and bypass surgery. My step father left my mom, who had a miscarriage, and my brother went to live with his dad.

I was in the awkward phase…orthodontist appointments and I wore huge ugly glasses. My mom convinced me to cut and perm my (already wavy) hair…and so with the new haircut and glasses I looked a lot like my homeroom teacher.

Oh…and after one particularly horrifying hot dog in the cafeteria, I threw up on my gifted teacher’s shoes.

I was extremely unpopular. I was picked on by the kids that followed msmith537’s logic:

They hated me for a year and a half…and we moved to a different part of town.

I ended up in high school with the same boys. One apologized, several asked me out on dates, and a few didn’t even recognize me.

But if I hadn’t moved…I don’t think things would have changed so drastically. Ignoring them didn’t work.
~J