But…
All of a sudden ninjas were attacking.
Scared out of your wits, what piece of produce would be your go-to weapon (fruits or veggies) of choice?
Fortunately, I’ve had weeks of training using fresh fruit to defend myself. In fact, most recently, a banana.
Coconuts. Failing that, acorn squash.
Preparing yourself for this exact event? Wow, you must be like Batman.
I’m gonna rely on a hand of ginger.
If I’m in the produce section, a bag of oranges or potatoes, but condiment section and I’m reaching for black pepper and powdered chili.
I’m grabbing the scale they use to weigh produce. Swing it around by those hanging chains.
But I’m not too worried. If I know that ninjas are attacking, then they must not be very good ninjas.
You distract them with the fresh fruit then release the 16 ton weight.
Apples.
You can toss them like baseballs.
Just one Pink Lady between the eyes, and a ninja is going down.
What about a point-ed stick?
Shut up!
I’d pick a Brussels sprout tree.
I can throw a potato with pretty good aim and do it multiple times. Anything heavier and my distance and accuracy will suffer too soon.
Threaten them with broccoli. Trust me; they will go running.
You folks choosing fruits and vegetables are crazy. I have a Ninja at home and it just blends those things in seconds.
Smoothies for all. Yay!!
They’re also surprisingly effective on doctors.
As a former Produce man, I’m grabbing the water hose. Newer and fancier stores have the automated sprinkler system for the greens and lettuce in the refrigerated section, but there’s usually still a hose somewhere. Can be a surprisingly decent weapon in the right hands. Probably not my hands, but someone’s.
Or, quadruple up some bags, the big greens bags, drop a cabbage into it, twist up the slack, make an improvised flail.
My local produce section has tiny glass jars of sun-dried tomatoes. Unfortunately not large enough to definitely break upon hitting, but they’re heavy and compact enough that I could put a lot of energy into them and they wouldn’t lose a lot of speed in the air.
That, or I release the tiger.
It depends! If it’s a fruit ninja, I’m not going to feed it’s slicing streak. Don’t play to the ninja’s strengths. Unless you think you can fake it out - throw all the fruit it wants, and then sneak in a few onions - run away while they’re in tears of pain and semi-blind.
If it’s a true Japanese ninja of the modern era, perhaps I’ll dual wield a pair of thick leeks, and threaten them with the anime/manga trope of a leek butt attack (again trope and black humor, not really serious, but when you’re talking about ninja attacks in produce…) to scare them away or allow me to escape.
If it’s a crazed, ninja obsessed weirdos with a view to a kill though… I’ll rip some of the wire shelving from under the mister section - it isn’t super sturdy, but it’ll give me some reach, and the openings give me options to catch the blade if they’re careless.