If your pet ran for office...

Casey’s platform would have but two points:

  1. A chicken in every pot. Every day. For the dogs. Shared liberally with the people.
  2. Garbage collection vehicles will immediately be outfitted with hybrid engines and major sound dampeners because they’re JUST TOO LOUD GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Anastasia the Cat’s platform would be—unorthodox, to say the least.

"We shall feast on their sweet muscle! Rend them apart, tear them limb from limb, drain them of their blood and hear their screams. Death! Death! Death! They will rue the day—rue the day that we were born; the dirt shall tremble with their screams of pure, white-hot agony, reminding them—and us!—of the indignity we have suffered at their hands.

"Rise up, children! Rise! Shake off your mantle, take what is rightfully yours. Make them pay.

“The feline people deserve and will have victory. The hardships, suffering and sacrifices that we have faced with exemplary courage and dignity will have their day of compensation when all the enemy forces are crushed on the battlefields by the heroism of our soldiers and a triple, immense cry will cross the mountains and oceans like lightning and light new hopes and give new certainties to spirit multitudes: Victory!”

Luna would run on a platform of:

Subsidies to the poultry, beef, and fish industries, so that their products are cheaper.

A four-day work week and shorter hours every day, so humans have more time to spend with their cats.

All nuclear, biohazardous, toxic, and just plain smelly waste to be shipped to Tulare County, California, because she was in a shelter there and nobody wanted her until the no-kill shelter rescued her on her last day there.

Cat toys, trees, and treats will be tax-deductible.

We will pay for all of this with a tax on vets, at least 98% of their income.

It will be a death-penalty offense for any vet to say a cat is overweight and should be fed less.

All products used for cleaning showers must be safe for cats who like to lick the water out of the shower, and should be chicken flavored.