Anything large, we’ll discuss beforehand. “Large” is not terribly precise, but my mental image is any electronics, cars, truly major household purchases.
Something like clothing, well, we buy so little that it’s not a problem anyway.
Obviously this situation relies on us a) being sensible and not squandering money too badly, and b) having a mostly-adequate income, and c) trusting each other.
We also don’t buy much in the way of “toys”. Like when I splurged on expensive headphones, and later on an iPad, it was money that I’d sequestered from things like surveys and the like, not household funds.
We’ve been together 50 years and we started with absolutely nothing. That made it easy to have only one set of accounts. But any expenditures were immediately noticeable. So from the beginning we made sure that every penny was agreed upon.
Over the years that became increasingly unnecessary, but we still asked about “larger” purchases. First that was over $100. Today it’s around $1,000. The number is irrelevant, but the asking is part of our marriage. We would never do anything like buy a car without endlessly discussing it with the other.
That’s what works for us. Looks like it works for a lot of others here. Admittedly, not having to think about it is a lot easier than living on food stamps. That was not fun.
We are more or less in the situation of the OP. Our income exceeds our regular expenses. If it were something expensive we would tell the other; otherwise not. A car would be a joint decision, but I am hoping not to have to get another one. Although the current one is 17 years old even though it has under 32,000 km on the clock.
Pretty much no we don’t discuss it. A car, a vacation house, yes sure we’d look together. A discussion might more often be of the form, I’m ordering X from Amazon, is there anything you need?
For a car, she would definitely tell me,because it’s unlikely we have enough money in our checking account to pay for it, so someone would have to move money from our long-term savings accounts. That person would be me.
In general she doesn’t tell me and I don’t ask, unless it’s more than, say $1000.
We budget individual spending money each month to sidestep “Honey, do you mind if I buy a fancy beer?” “Honey, do you mind if I buy another science fiction paperback?” Thus, we each have an allowance. My wife tends to save hers and then buy stock. I spend some of mine on books and save the rest for travel to places she isn’t interested in.
We negotiate household and couple expenses. We keep to pre-set limits for coffee or eating out. We collaborate on researching bigger items like a new fridge. I’m driving a 16-year-old car, and there’s downpayment money set aside for when I need it. If we wanted to get electric bikes, we’d decide together and might need to wait and save up. It’s been a harmonious aspect of our relationship.
We pay ourselves “no questions asked” spending money. She bought a $10,000 bicycle with it once, the only question she asked was if I liked the colour. If it’s a purchase outside of our NQA money then it’s a joint purchase and is discussed like any other joint purchase. It might be a coffee machine, a toy for the kids, etc.
We got married in our mid 30’s and already had pretty well established careers. We never ‘joined’ our finances. So, no, we don’t really ask or care. Except out of curiosity.
We each buy our own cars. I pay some bills, she some others.
My Wife is the vacation planner. She likes it, and is good at it. She asks for input of course but I let her take the lead. We are in our early 60’s now, and taking some expensive vacations before we are too old to enjoy them. We generally split that. But it’s just me writing my wife a check for how ever many thousand dollars she suggests.
I never ask. She works hard and is paid very well. She has ownership interests in her advertising agency. Our home is paid off. She has substantial assets set aside for retirement. Two aunts recently passed away, leaving her considerable inheritance.
Ah the new car saga of Wants vs needs. Some unfortunate soul smashed into and totaled his faithful 2000 S10. Cheated death, again! Another totaled vehicle. Decent payout for an old truck. There’s an empty spot in the driveway. What to replace it with, basic transportation we agree on but there are standards that must be maintained. He insists It can’t be a “ bar of soap” kinda car it must be FUN, manual transmission, seats two people or three cat carriers.
Round and round we go, I’m popping his bubble, incredulous at his expectations. It gets a little ugly. I’m standing my ground and point to the roadster in the garage that is his fun car what more do ya want? Oh it’s not for commuting to the summer job up north? What is it good for? He should find it a Hollywood agent and whore it out!
lol. To cut to the end of the saga, he gets his fun transportation, buys a Royal Enfield Himalaya, he’ll commute come rain wind dirt roads or high water on two wheels. Paid cash from the insurance settlement with enough left over for riding gear and accessories.
Second car payment avoided, old man is happy nay estactic!
If I ever get married, and I’ve said “no” to two different guys so it isn’t likely, I will insist on keeping my own name and keeping our finances completely separate. We will split the cost of things we mutually share like the mortgage, utility bills, etc. Other than that, you buy and pay for things out of your own money. So, I couldn’t care less if hubby/boyfriend/whatever tools into the driveway with a new Porsche as long as he continues to cough up his share of whatever costs we are splitting. Seems simple, painless and, above all, SAFE.
I would say a car is the limit. I’m more impulsive on big ticket items, her on smaller. I’ll put a deposit on a Rivian (refunded) or buy a new motorcycle without asking. Real estate or a big vacation? That’s definitely both of us for obvious reasons.
I usually would ask, not the first question but I do like to evaluate the perceived value of the good or service, and compare it to alternatives. I also believe her asking me is asking for such an evaluation, a reality check, so I need to know that aspect.
That’s my Wife and I. We just even things out, if need be. If my Wife needs something, she buys it. Same with me. I understand that while we are not rich, we are well off.
My Wife and I where sitting on the couch one evening, and said “We should probably get married” I said, “That’s great, let’s do it” and that was that.
That’s the thing about marriage. You need to be able to reach conclusions without even asking the question. There is no boss in a marriage.
It’s a matter of working towards the same goals. What is complicated is figuring out what those goals are. Once you are a dedicated team, you work as a team, and figure those goals out.
Neither of us asks, but the buyer always offers the info if it’s above some arbitrary threshold that appears to be an emergent phenomenon that we never discussed.
Well, when my husband wanted to buy a new sports car, HELL YES I asked how much that was gonna cost! Not a daily driver or practical purchase, basically just an expensive toy for him to enjoy.
But he had a plan all worked out on how to pay for it, the house was paid for, he’s always been responsible with money and he considered it his reward for years of working. He loves his toy and it’s nice to see him happy.