First off - to my kid, sorry if you see this and it bothers you. I don’t think you come here much, and I think its pretty (tho admittedly not completely) anonymous. I’m only posting this because I love you and am concerned about you - and your BF, and I have no experience in this area.
Long story short - my college freshman’s boyfriend of a year plus was recently hospitalized with depression/bipolar disorder. My kid attends college 100 miles from home, and he is still in HS. I was wondering if any of you who might have had experience with teens receiving inpatient care for such conditions could share your thoughts.
I know they are teens and not married, but they have been going out for well over a year, and seem to care for each other very much. He seems to be a good kid, and I really appreciate the fact that they seem to be so kind to and supportive of each other.
My main concern is that my daughter not personally be hurt by her BF’s problems. I’ve known married couples who got divorced when one party got tired of dealing with the others’ depression. I feel my kid is too young and has too much going on to have a troubled BF’s concerns demand too much of her attention/energy.
So far I’ve been playing the role of: "I love you and support you, and wish him well. I don’t want to pry, but am available to discuss anything you wish."
I also admit that I’m not familiar with what is involved with a youth who is troubled to the extent that he is hospitalized. What type of symptoms lead a parent to seek inpatient care for their teen? What kind of care does such a patient receive? Since my kid is involved, I feel I have a legitimate interest in at least knowing whether he is - say - suicidal. We are friendly with the parents, and I would like to express my concern and do anything possible to help, but I don’t want to intrude upon their privacy.
Thanks in advance for any thoughts you might be willing to share.
As a parent, I absolutely get where this comes from. But…come on. She’s human and she loves him, of course she’s going to be personally hurt by what’s going on! I think you should absolutely be aware of her potential level of distraction and help her keep track of her other obligations - like school and work and paying rent - and not drop everything for him. But of course this is going to affect her. Just keep asking her about her projects, schoolwork, etc. Keep them in the forefront on her mind by asking questions about that as well as him. Offer some sympathy that she’s got so much on her plate, but also let her know that you know she can handle it - so she doesn’t feel she has an excuse to slack.
Perfect. Keep doing that.
All these are unanswerable except by him or his parents. The most common teenage inpatient programs are suicide or drug-related, but it could be anything. Bipolar disorder swings one from extreme highs to lows, and many teens self-medicate with drugs or alcohol, or refuse to take their meds, or his parents might just have noticed him sleeping 19 hours a day and decided he needs to be watched by professionals for a while so they can sort out a good medication regimen. Do you know if it was voluntary? (I mean really voluntary, like he said, “Woah, I need help, can you guys find me a program somewhere?” not “Sign these “voluntary” commitment papers or you’re going to jail.”) I’d personally feel a lot different depending on exactly how it all went down, not just why.
You won’t intrude on their privacy by letting them know you’re available and even curious. It’s an intrusion if they chose not to tell you and you press the issue. “Mary, my daughter told me John was hospitalized. I’d like to hear what happened if you’re comfortable talking about it.” Then it’s up to her. “Oh, thanks, but we’re just so overwhelmed right now, I’d rather hear about your day.” means, “Dinsdale, I don’t want to talk about it or I’m going to cry.”
She (they) probably don’t want to worry or burden or bore *you *right now, perversely enough. So I would reach out and let them know you’re willing and even interested, but don’t push if they don’t open up.
Well first of all Dinsdale I believe you are doing the very best thing for your daughter, expressing your concern and letting her know she is loved and you are there for her.
Second, if he is in HS and she is in College, that weighs heavy on a relationship, I need not go into why, I’m sure you understand. Most of us who had boyfriends or girfriends in hs who were a year behind, and the other went on to college, it was difficult if not impossble to keep the relationship up.
No knowing what the young mans problems are specifically, makes it difficult to tell you what he may be going through in the institution he is in. Is he in a Hospital with adults in their inpatient psych unit? Or is he in an adolescent psych hospital. I have worked in both. The latter was my most recent experience…After leaving academia I jumped around a bit and last year found myself working with troubled teens. They are a tough bunch, I had not been told fuck you by so many people since I can recall. These kids had a wide array of problems, ranging from drugs and alcohol to neglect at home, to abuse by parents anf relatives, to rape and molestation. And in extreme cases all of the above.
No knowing what he is there for - you mention suicide - that is pretty serious, and to get hospitalized for that means the teen has some serious history of depression, and or hurting himself, or some other mix of malady.
I wish I could tell you adolescent psych hospitals were happy places but in reality they are not. For some teens it is a place where they have never been away from home, and they are fearful, and often the meds are not enough to quell that fear. Some kids act out, others do well. I hope for your daughters sake and for the young man inside he is doing well. Long distance relationships are never easy. But for a young man to get hospitalized there must be some sort of fear for his life, or sanity. And being a teenager they lack the experience in some cases to fully comprehend what is happening to them. Mental illness in teens is a slippery slope, a good therapist will spend much quality time with them building much needed rapport before delving into what is really going on. I hope for his sake he has such a person he can trust on the inside. And I hope for your daughters sake she can find the right amount of empathy with love, and still concentrate on her studies et al.
Thanks, guys. Your responses are really helping me sort out things in my mind, and reassuring me as to my stance. She and her mom have talked about it in more detail than I, but it has been hard to talk at length with my wife about it with my daughter and other kids (who attend HS with the BF and don’t know of this development) around
AFAIK, the admission was wholly voluntary. He called her from the car as his Ps were driving him to wherever. I knew he had received some counselling/meds/treatment in the past, but didn’t really know the extent. To be honest, I always thought of him more as a “drama queen” desiring attention than “troubled” - but please view that comment generously through the eyes of a teenaged girl’s perhaps overprotective dad.
My kid(s) and I are pretty honest and open with each other. She doesn’t drink or do drugs, and I’d be very surprised if she would go out with someone who did - at least to excess or around her. She has told me that he drank a bit in the past, but now just has an occasional glass of wine at family dinners (which is apparently the custom for their family, and I have no big problem with.)
I’ve got no reason to think he is/was suicidal - just being overprotective of my little baby (who seems to have become a big adult woman!)
Re: the distance relationship - in a weird way I think it works out well for them. It sorta allows them the comfort of a relationship, without the effort of maintaining it 24/7. So it frees them to work hard at school and follow other interests when apart, and then concentrate a lot of attention on each other when together.
I think you need to realize that your daughter is a young adult and as such, she is going to take on some responsibility toward her BF’s recovery. That’s not to say she should abandon her life, but after a year of dating, she is emotionally invested in him and probably wants to do what she can to make him feel better. I think periodic inquiries as to how she’s maintaining the rest of her responsibilities is fine; but she may want to try to work through this without parental input. Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t want to share as much info as you’d like her to.
It sounds like you and the wife have a good relationship with your kids. I think your daughter knows what her responsibilities are and how to manage her life. I also believe she’ll come to you if she runs into a jam. Her boyfriend is probably going to take up more of her energy for now, but it will get better as they get his meds figured out. Best of luck to them (and you).
When I was a freshman in college I had a boyfreind who was very funny, very very intelligent, and extremely depressed. I mean, lots of suicidal ideation – frequent late night phone calls, it got to where the phone would wake me out of any sleep because I dared not miss a call to the HelloAgain Suicide Hotline.
I gently encouraged him to seek counselling or medical care (unfortunately, his family was VERY against this, they were in the “antidepressants mean you’re a weak person” camp. Pleasant.) However, luckily he had an Economics professor who he respected greatly and convinced him to at least seek medical intervention. You can’t believe what a load that was off my back. Literally, “well if he dies now at least its not on me.” He ended up going to therapy as well in the end.
We broke up in our second semester (we met at orientation) for other reasons, and remained friends. But I was definitely witness to his low-water mark in terms of mental health, and it was not easy to deal with. I wouldn’t say it affected my schoolwork, though. Mostly it was just a learning experience.
I don’t have any advice on the parental front since I’m not a parent, but about hospitalization - it doesn’t have to be a suicide attempt, or even the parents’ choice. I don’t know all the details, but when my childhood best friend and I were in middle school, her older sister had a manic episode. Apparently she was pretty wild, since the neighbors called the cops who came and took her to the hospital while they waited for her parents to get in touch with them. Her parents were then presured into having her admitted. She ended up on lithium after that and things went much better for her.