Teenagers and depression

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

As always in times of trouble, I turn to the Dope for anecdotes and support. My son is in therapy and will see a psychiatrist this week, so I’m not looking for medical advice. However, any life experiences you’ve had or know of would help.

I’ve posted about our daughter in the past, and her heroin addiction. She’s currently staying with family and we don’t have much contact with her. When she left she was angry and time hasn’t lessened her anger thus far. An exchange was about to happen at our house and my husband asked the person that came over to leave. Now. Our daughter had a hissy fit and left with her grandparents. To make things more complicated, my MIL was helping to carry our daughters’ things into their house and fell down the stairs. A hospital stay, surgery and several ‘procedures’ later, she is in pain much of the time and is now depressed because she hasn’t left her bedroom too much.

To make things even more weird, before that happened there was a very bad scene at our house between my husband and his parents, with his mom saying that she understands how our daughter feels and can relate very strongly to her. :smack: My husband had thought to spare his mom and dad the details of what we have been going through, which backfired on him because they are 78 and 80 and still think of her as the little sweetie they once cared for while DH and I worked. I think his dad gets it and has a slight clue, but his mom has always doted on her only grand-daughter and when my husband tried to warn them, she told him that he drank and partied when he was younger and who was he to talk? (He didn’t. He has four brothers and she must have confused him with one or more of them. He did have a few beers now and again, but that’s a far cry from heroin.) I was at school that night and missed the whole thing, but I guess it was pretty bad.

Unfortunately my MIL also mentioned her suicide attempts which was news to my husband and the kids. Our daughter was sitting at the kitchen table with her dad and grandparents, and our son was in the next room. Why that came up I have no idea, but they were all pretty shocked.

Anyhow, the one and only time we visited was about a month ago to see how my MIL was doing and our daughter was very hostile to us and to her brother, who hasn’t done anything to her. She acted like he wasn’t there, as did his grandparents, but that’s nothing new. They’ve always been that way which is a whole 'nother story for another time.

Sorry, this is longer than I had planned.

I always thought there was something different about my son, since about the 5th grade or even earlier. He is shy and quiet, has few friends, and resists most attempts to get him to develop hobbies. Sports? No. Boy scouts, 4H, etc? No. Any social activities? No. Every time I said anything to my husband he said he was shy too and to stop worrying. My nephew is the exact same way and my SIL would reassure me too, telling me that was just the way their fathers were and our sons must be following the same path.

Why didn’t I listen to my little voice telling me that more was wrong? All of these years, I have been uneasy and worried. I was right to worry.

Our son is clinically depressed. All of this that has happened with his sister has been too much. She was the one who looked out for him the way an older sibling does. He told her his secrets and she brought so much life to our house. I miss her more than I could possibly express here. Not the drug-addicted angry person that left our house, but my daughter, my girl. I know she is in there somewhere.

I just typed a really long post and lost most of it because I was logged out again. Sometimes I hate the Straight Dope and the stupid log-in process that times out too fast.

Anyhow, I took some time off of work to be at home with him. I know it is some comfort to him that I’m here, but in another way I’m not sure how much of a difference it makes. It’s hard enough to get him to come out of his bedroom, let alone talk to me. Forget about going out and doing anything… that is rare nowadays. Besides, my car died about six weeks ago and I’ve been taking the bus to work.

I’m really struggling with all of this. I look at people whose kids aren’t going through these things and feel so jealous. I know this isn’t about me right now, but can’t help but remember when they were little and times were good. That is past and it’s time to focus on the here and now.

What would you do if it was your kid? Do you know of anybody with a clinically depressed teen, or did you experience it yourself? Any advice is welcome, but be nice. I’m feeling pretty raw right now.

2

Ooof, you are having a rough time, purple haze - I’m sorry to hear it. I don’t have any advice to offer you as a parent - I don’t have kids - but I was a depressed teen. Not that this qualifies me to give you much advice, either, but for what it’s worth, I think you’re doing everything you can in the circumstances. Your son is in therapy, I assume the psychiatrist will give him appropriate medication if need be, things should improve.

But it might take a while - meds take a while to kick in, and therapy might stir up some messy emotions. (That’s its job after all, IMO, and it might spill out over the sessions.) In the meantime, trying to make him socialise and go out is likely to be a fruitless exercise; if he’s like me, just getting up and showering is a huge effort, let alone actually talking to people and managing to keep the facade of a normal person together. When I got home, I used to sleep vast amounts - when you’re asleep, you don’t have to think about how you ought to be behaving, or whether you’re going to upset someone by saying the wrong thing, or whether someone’s going to say/do something that will upset you.

Me, I did everything wrong with looking after myself (tip: drinking heavily really doesn’t help fix you, it just creates new and exciting opportunities for things to go horribly wrong; it took me too long to realise that), and I kept it all a secret from my family, so I applaud you for creating the kind of family atmosphere where your son feels comfortable asking for help. Are you, too, seeing any sort of therapist? With everything going on in your family at the moment, it might be a good idea, if you’re not. You need someone to talk to, too, about all this.

Best of luck to you all, I’ll be thinking of you and hoping things improve soon.

3

My son is 15 and was diagnosed bi-polar with fairly rapid phases a couple of years ago. It’s terrifying and I am in a constant state of fear for him even when he seems to be doing okay. He too had no interest in sports or clubs or hobbies of any sort outside of video games and listening to music.

Eventually he took a liking to Guitar Hero and then started to tinker with my guitar while I was at work. We bought him his own guitar for 8th grade graduation and finally developed a passion for something, which has been invaluable.

He’s going to be a junior this year and he plays guitar better than most local bands lead guitarists now. He joined guitar club at school last year and has made a couple of friends and a few friendly acquaintances. It’s certainly not all smooth sailing and I know that most of his deeper friendships are with girls from other states (low risk of rejection, maybe? Who knows).

He saw a therapist for about a year until he learned how to work through the lows and temper the highs. He also sees a psychiatrist and was on Depakote and Seroquel then Lithium and hated all of them equally. The Depakote left him angry all of the time, the Seroquel had a number of bad side effects and the Lithium dulled his senses to the point of not enjoying much of anything. We’re still working on finding the right combination of therapy, emotional exercises and potentially another medication if necessary.

Truth be told he’s miles different than he was a couple of years ago and I wonder how much of it is due to getting a bit older and being in a less volatile environment (I went through a messy separation and ultimately divorce with his stepdad whom he was very close to a month or two prior to his diagnosis).

My best advice is to find out what he does with his time and try to join him in it when possible. My son plays video games, so I have an xbox and a wii in the living room. He doesn’t always want to come play a game with me, but when he does, he will often open up and offer me a glimpse of his life. Conversely, if I directly ask him questions in an attempt to open a dialog, he clams up and treats me as though I am interrogating him.

Best of luck to you with your son and, of course, with your daughter.

4

You’re right, I think I do need therapy. I don’t know how much longer I can go on feeling the way I do. I am trying to be the strong one, but really just want my mother or something. What a joke that is, because there are some issues there too that I’m having a hard time dealing with. My sister is 10 years older than me and has always been wrapped really tightly around mom. Meanwhile mom and dad have marital problems (she hates him) so she and my sister do everything together, to the exclusion of most everything else. Including me.

A couple of months ago I told them both that I’ve felt left out for as long as I can remember, and they both said they didn’t mean to do that and would include me more. That was really hard for me to say and embarassing, but I had decided that they probably didn’t know I felt that way so I swallowed my pride and spoke up. The way it usually goes, I invite them both to do things and we have a lot of fun together. Then they do things together and don’t call me. I hear about it later from dad or something. Sort of the last straw was that my car had died about six weeks ago and it’s been a little lonely on my days off. They also both know that I’m having a hard time with things with the kids and all.

Anyhow, I had invited my sister over to stay for a few days so we could hang out, which we have done in the past. She didn’t really answer. I said I wanted to go strawberry picking when she mentioned she was thinking about going. It sounded like a plan. Well, I called to ask mom a question and dad said “she went strawberry picking with your sister.” That really hurt me. The place they went to is a few miles from my house. They know I’m having a hard time lately, and my sister knew I wanted to go. They know I don’t have a car and that I am lonely.

Why would they do that? I struggle to understand so much of what is happening in my life now. When I get upset I talk too much. Maybe I am just really irritating and no one will tell me the truth about that. Maybe they don’t really want to be with me… well, obviously they don’t.

I’m thinking about sending an e-mail to both of them, telling them how I feel. Am I supposed to go on like this for god knows how long, never saying anything else and always feeling left out and hurt? I don’t know how much more I can take. My husband understands and has been my rock. He shares my pain about our children and my anger/sorrow about my sister and mom. His kindness is what gets me through the days.

5

From the side of your son, I can say this. My mom had a really hard time accepting that I had clinical depression and anxiety and had to take medication. She kept on saying I could just think my way out of it, which wasn’t true. So whatever happens, just support him and tell him that it isn’t a bad thing to have to go to a doctor, it’s no different than being diabetic or any other condition that needs continuous treatment. Don’t poke at him too much about not being sociable. When I was his age, most of my socialization happened online. As I got older, closer to high school grad, I found a group of people who were like me - girls without drama who liked video games. I’m still a big introvert, but I do have that group of friends 8 years on. He’ll figure out who he wants to hang out with on his own time. A lot of us teens that struggled with anxiety and depression stayed inside with video games and the computer, but don’t think it’s all for naught. I discovered a passion for creating websites and that’s what I do for a living now. Maybe he’ll find a passion for game development, or programming or building computers.

6

I know EXACTLY what is going on. I have had depression since the 7th grade. I am now a junior in high school, still learning how to cope with depression. The one thing i learned that has saved my life is that peoples opinions mean NOTHING! Be yourself, even if your the kid in the back reading a comic book behind the textbooks in the library. When you be yourself you will get friends easier.

Now for you mom, treat your son like an adult. Let him make choices, he WILL make mistakes, but make sure they are under your eye. dont let something stupid happen to him. Most importantly give him some space but make sure he knows hes not forgotten. for example say your going out for the night and your son is staying home, make him some food he likes and put it in the fridge with a note saying something like “heres some meatloaf if you are hungry later <3 mom” MAKE SURE YOUR CORNY WITH THE WRITING. if he knows your trying to be “hip” and in style he’ll get a chuckle and know you care about whats going on in his life without trying to interfere

7

purple haze, I don’t know why your sister and your mom exclude you or if they even mean to, but I do know what it’s like to be the outsider in your family. My mom, stepdad, his daughter and her family do TONS of things together. I am rarely invited because most of those things are religiously based (church outings, etc.) and I am not religious. It kills me that I don’t feel like I really belong, but over the years I’ve carved out my own niche and have a supplemental “family” that eases that feeling of isolation a bit. I know that making friends as an adult is not always the easiest thing to do, but it may be worth it.

I don’t know how far you are from town (it’s miserable being without a car in some places, and not so bad in others), but maybe check out a volunteer coordinating site and see if there’s something nearby that you can volunteer for on your day off to ease the lonliness, increase your self worth, set a good example for your kids AND possibly meet friends. :slight_smile: It’s definitely hard to get started, but volunteering can definitely be a win-win-win situation.

8

I **love **this suggestion and am going to try it with my own son too. :slight_smile:

9

Thanks to all who have responded to my posts. It’s so great to hear from people who have been through similar experiences. There can be no doubt how much we love him and support him, and when I feel like there’s nothing I can do, I remind myself that there is something; I can accept him just how he is and try to be patient instead of urging him to be more social.

I like the idea about leaving something for him in the fridge with a note on it. I’m going to do that. I used to leave notes for the kids in their lunches or next to the bed for them to find in the morning. It would be fun to do that again.