I would resize Earth to Jupiter-status, giving the regular schmoe so much more to explore, and lotsa moons to visit.
And no more mosquitoes.
First I’d fix the mistake I made in the rabitt’s digestive system.
Or, possibly, rabbit.
I would make it painfully clear that there’s nothing wrong with being a homosexual. Or, for that matter, using birth control, eating pork, growing replacement body parts from totipotent stem cells, celebrating Halloween, listening to heavy metal, reading Harry Potter books, thinking for oneself, or any of the other ridiculous no-nos that religious zealots seem to love so much.
Let’s see…If I were God, first off I’d eliminate period cramps, labor pain, and make it not hurt men to get hit in the testicles. I think people’s general happiness levels would be vastly improved by these alone.
I’d elminate genetic disease and deformity, and save those for those who are unrepentantly wicked. I’d also like to install some sort of physical inablity for drunks and poor drivers to operate vehicles, and have public transportation instead. Fire up the God-bus, it’s time for a road trip. Plus, I’d made half of humanity left-handed.
Otherwise, though, I’d leave in the pain and suffering. Happiness is meaningless if one doesn’t deal with some measure of despair in their lives. Though free will is a key thing to keep, I’d strengthen the power of Karma, so those who purposely pained others would get the aformentioned diseases and deformities- to serve as motivation to be kind to others.
I think I’d also have a daily syndicate advice column, “Ask God,” and answer people’s questions about life, love and the universe. I’d also consider people’s suggestions for universe-improvement.
Finally, I would limit winter to three months in New England. No five months of snow covered ground like this year.
I’d talk to everybody all at the same time. No more of this “God says we should live like this…he told me so” crap.
I would be the only administrator of justice. Since I’m the only one that sees and knows all, I should be the only one smiting anybody. And I’d be quick about it too. The second someone does wrong, they’d be smitten. Anybody else does any smiting, I’d smite them double for it.
Boy bands like NSYNC would be forbidden, I’d put that one on a stone tablet all its own.
I’d let everybody know that I can get things done without their hard earned cash, anybody taking money in my name would have their ass cheeks turned to sandpaper.
The olive branch would no longer be the symbol of peace, the cannabis sativa (sp) branch would take its place as I originally intended.
I’d let everybody know it only took me the blink of an eye to create the universe, I’ve been kicking back ever since. So should they. ‘One day a week’ of rest, my ass.
People could call me dude and I wouldn’t get pissed.
Black Angus Tenderloin would fall from the sky on Fridays. I would create it from thin air, not from cows, so vegetarians could enjoy it too. Man that shit is good.
I would make ovulation in human females a strictly voulantary and conscious act.
I would read a whole thread before posting to it.
I would create life on Mars simultaneously as Earth and set evolution to favour another animal (say Cats) to evolve as the dominant species. Then I would appear on each planet in the form of the indigenous life form and say
"Behold your GOD!!" Add appropriate Thunder noises and fire in the sky. “I have come to say that I favour you above all and created you in my image!” More Thunder and some fiery hail stones. "Now I charge you to go forth and advance yourselves in peace. But you must pay tribute to me be keeping Cats/humans (depending where I was) as household pets. Wherever you find them domesticate 'em and make pets outta 'em and name 'em things like Mr. Wiggles, Snoopums, Morris, Fartypants, patches, whiskers and Frisky"
Then I wait a few thousand years and giggle my ass off watching when the two planets meet for the first time.
If I was God, I’d make the job a position with a finite term. No running for office, no campaigning… just wake up one day and you’re God. And no one’s gonna tell you that you’re God either: You gotta figure it out for yourself. That way, get some different perspectives on the whole thing, get some fresh ideas out into the world. You get to do one thing as God, and when you do, you’re done. Someone else’s turn.
Whoa, a response? I didn’t expect it in this thread. Had the board not been so inactive at this moment I doubt I would have ever returned.
I would only write the sacred texts if I was being misrepresented. As is the case with every religion on this planet (that I am aware of), they are all sort of “sects” withing a specific construct. Or, shall we say, they are all instances of the same classes, for you programming types out there. Multiple inhertiance based instances, no less, for a large part of them.
So, if I suddenly became God, I would certainly step in a set a few things straight.
As far as room for doubt, not a chance. I would make my godly presence clear. If you then didn’t believe that I was HE, then I guess that’s your problem. I wouldn’t require worship, no heaven or hell, basically, it’d be the atheist’s universe with a god (heh) which didn’t require you listen to Him. But if you did, it’d be damn clear what I was saying.
I’d create two types of people: Purple and Green, and set them up in their own tribes.
I would reveal myself to the Purple people as a God of all things and let them know that I loved them. They should worship me because they were my chosen.
I would then tell the Purple people that the green people did not love me, that they worshipped a fictitious version of me, and that they were my enemies and the enemy of all who loved me. I would make them wage war.
Then of course, I’d go and do the exact same thing with the Green people.
I’d then sit back and watch the fun, intervening only to make sure no one side got too much of an advantage.
Nothing moves things forward like a war economy, and I could rest easy in my basic benevolence and goodness knowing that my people were growing and progressing faster than all of the other deity’s (Whose liberal-assed worshippers 'prolly laze around all day picking daisies. Oh yeah, that’s exciting. Why be God? Why not just get an ant farm?)
Later on, just too make it more exciting, I’d make it so that any time two purple people had sex, they produced a green person.
The only way for a Purple man to have a purple child would be to steal a Green woman.
To make sure they wouldn’t simply swap women, I’d only do this to one tribe at a time.
To make sure they wouldn’t catch on, I’d appear as a different God to each tribe. One could eat fish, the other couldn’t. One would worship Brocolli, the other would consider it the devil’s fruit.
I could have fun adding in different tribes of different colors, or special monsters like Purple People Eaters.
I’d litter the landscape with sacred artifacts guarded by horrific monsters and traps and leave vague hints to entice people into quests.
Nobody would age past adulthood. Instead of growing old and dying, you would simply be subject to arbitrary instant death. That means you might live forever, or you might keel over tomorrow. Purely random.
Finally, I’d be more technological and encourage my people to pray to me over radio. I’d consider the worth of their prayer depending on how many kilowatts it was. That way somebody like Jerry Falwell would actually have my right ear. I’d also like money, and want my worshippers to give it to me.
I’d eliminate all natural disasters. I’d have to keep fire around though, since it’s useful, so sometimes things would burn down. But I’d make sure there were plenty of fire extinguishers around, and a good fire department.
There’s be no homelessness either. Everyone would have a cute house, designed by me personally.
Everyone would be bisexual. I think it would be more fun that way.
If people were cruel to animals or neglectful of their household pets, they’d get a horrible disease and die within a few days.
Everyone would speak the same language. I would make the language sound funny, for my own amusement. “Wa na na, wa na na na! Dag-dag.”
It would be really easy for people to advance in their chosen career (and all careers would be cool things, like pro athlete, actor, or doctor). As long as you had the necessary skills, showed up at work on time, and kept yourself in a good mood, you’d get promoted frequently.
People would value friendship. Having good friends would be a priority for everyone.
No one would ever try to sell you stuff over the phone. In fact, people would call you up to give you money instead!
Ah yes, if I were god, everyone’s mood bars would always be in the green.
A friend and I decided a long time ago we would do one thing – and one thing only – were we suddenly to wake up and discover one of us was God.
Add theme music to the world.
You know! Theme music! Like in movies? Remember all those WW2 films, with the wise-cracking American soldiers walking through the jungle when – DUM DUMDUM DUM DUM! – the Japanese come over the horizon!
Theme music would make the world a lot easier; not criminally easy, but helping-hand easy. If you were walking down a dark alleyway at night, and you head DoooOoooooOooooOoooo in the background, you could realize ahead of time: “Shit! I’m gonna be mugged!”
If you are in a romantic moment with someone, but are unsure if they feel the same way, just listen to the theme music. If the violins are wailing plaintively in the background, swelling hopefully everytime you brush agaisnt each other, then you could take that to it’s logical conclusion: score! Same thing if you wanted to knock pelvises with someone, just wait till you hear the cheesy porno music: boomboom chicka chicka boomboom and then you know you’re good to go.
That’s all, really. All those starving people in Africa are on their own, I’m afraid.
Hmm…I’m G-d? Lets see…I thought about being a really active one…you know, heavy on the smiting and miracles, and all, but I decided against it…I mean, there’s such a thing as micromanagement. I’d like to see the mortals take SOME initiative.
Then I thought about getting rid of disease, and I’ve got to tell you, that was really tempting, but that really wouldn’t be fair to the bacteria and parasites. They’d die, and I don’t want that. I like my bacteria and parasites. Then, I thought, I’ll get rid of genetic diseases, but I wasn’t sure I really wanted to limit the gene pool that way. The way I see it, if you’re going to let mutation happen, some are bound to be harmful. It doesn’t seem fair to “stack the deck” that way.
So, I don’t think as G-d, I’d do much. I mean, I’ve given humans a sense of good and evil, and they’re mature enough to figure out how to do good and avoid evil themselves. I’d just smile when they did good things, and when they do evil things, feel bad and hope they learn from them and make better decisions in the future. Maybe once in a while, I’d throw in a little miracle. Nothing big, but something small, like helping an upset person find a sense of peace, or letting someone who’s done wrong understand his or her actions so they can repent. That’s what I’d do.
Nope, Captain Amazing, I don’t believe it.
If your sister was sitting in a room, and a big man with a big club came in, and you had a little button that you could press to keep her from getting hurt, would you decide that she should be beaten as you watched so that you wouldn’t have to micromanage?? Would you just hope some mortal would take some initiative?
When your son was dying of cancer at age 22, would you decide that it wouldn’t be fair to his cells to stop the cancer? Or would you just say, well, some people get healthy, some people get sick.
If I were God, such things that happen tens of thousands of times a day, would weigh on me. And, I have trouble believing it wouldn’t weigh on you. Or am I wrong? (Would you become so distant from humans you really wouldn’t care what they did. )
Me’Corva
Mecorva,
It’s not that I wouldn’t care…I would, but, look at it this way. These creatures I’ve created know right from wrong. I’ve given them that ability, and I’ve given them the ability to do good, and I have faith that they will. They won’t always, but the fact that they try is extremely pleasing to me. I have creatures who don’t have freedom…angels. They have to do whatever I tell them, all the time. Because of that, though, they’re not valuable to me…they’re just tools, impossible to love and incapable of growth or understanding. They’re useful, but I want to, and I need to create something that wonders, and questions, and argues with me. That’s what makes me happy…letting them learn and grow and develop. Unfortunately, that means some of them are going to hurt the others. I don’t want it to happen, but the only way I could stop that is by taking away their ability to choose, which would mean that they all lost value. It’s ironic that the fact that they’re able to choose whether they want to hurt each other or not is the very reason I don’t want to see them hurt.
As for the cancer, I also can understand why you want to save that young man. When I created life, though, I decided that it wouldn’t be immortal, and that all living things would change and die, even my humans. They need that, because knowing they’re going to die makes them act. It gives them a reason to do things now. It gives them the desire to act to change the world around them for the better, and the hope that their contributions will live on for generations. It also makes children possible. I’ve given them that ability, and in fact, the command, because when they have children, they understand a little better what it’s like to be me. They understand what it means to bring life into the world and see it grow and come to understand. They need to die in order for that to happen. It’s not that I particularly WANT the 22 year old to die, but that’s the thing about mortality. It happens. Would it make you feel better if he died at 82?
I would let people experience one undisputable supernatural event at least once every two years throughout their lifetime. Of course, the undisputable supernatural event would come at a time that is completely random, and it would range from whimsy to Biblical Divine Intervention (ability to see people naked despite clothing for day to smiting all of Pharoah’s army). I would also give my high priests ESP. Abilities vary on position in the priesthood. The highest priest would have something superduper cool like the ability to manipulate time. This is something that can be worked for – anybody who studies hard enough and is righteous enough would be able to acheive ESP. Since My Law would be clear, this would ensure that only the Supremely Good on Earth get this power. I also would make the laws of the Universe more amenable to interstellar travel, and remove all societal taboos about sex.
That’s about it.
I wouldn’t change it at all. Other than a certain species of Monkey being impressed by it’s own importance within the universe due to a nominally larger amount of analytical ability than your average amoeba, the world works perfectly.
I’ve often thought that cogniscence is probably a curse. Amoeba’s might be born more enlightened than the highest zen master.
Erek
Who’s to say that the universe is not god’s body and soul? So that seems like a pretty good reason for creation.
Erek