Listen, bro. You wanna throw down? Choose your weapon, but choose wisely, because if you don’t vanquish me, I will slay you and your descendants to the 40th generation.
Now, choose your damn weapon already. And make it special.
Stormbringer for up close work, otherwise any number of planet destroyer weapons at range.
Lays down a card
Enchanted Bunny.
Two cans of beans.
Double headed, 18" ice blue jelly dong.
Rio, by Duran Duran
I come at you unwashed and peeling my scrotum from my leg for close combat.
Unnerving username and post combo.
For the OP, I destroy you, sir, with the power of my mind. Hah! I am invincible!
My hands are registered with the government as deadly weapons.
I would use them to steer my car into you while you were wandering around the mall parking lot trying to remember where you parked.
The power of your mind has no power over the mindless!
and you made me laugh! 
I steer my cat into you …
Tosses at you coupons to the worst Italian restaurant on the planet.
Cue Chef with Ladel
"The Power of Ragu Repels You…!"
I’ll launch a filthy Internet smear campaign wherein I imply to every teenage girl on the planet that you’re best friends with all the members of One Direction and would be happy to arrange a personal meeting with them, with the specific instructions that your repeated denials are merely a reflection of your admirable modesty.
I’m an intergalactic gladiator and I have numerous ways to combat my opponent. Fortunately though, I am a lover and not a fighter.
I simply can’t read this without snorting and thinking “now, where the heck did this come from?!” Seriously, is this some quote or something? It’s hilarious, but kinda freakin’ me out 
As for me, a blues guitar at the crossroads at midnight. I’ve got a killer old Gibson that would win me that cutting contest.
You don’t tug on Superman’s cape
You don’t spit into the wind
You don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger
And you don’t mess around with Jim
I will use my Stepmother Voice on you. And The Look. You will crawl whimpering away after that.
Extended time in the field with long long hours. Water is for drinking.
I start twirlin my hips…GO GO HELICOPTER SCROTUM!!! MWUHAHAHA!
I have Photoshop. And I’m not afraid to use it.
Okay, yeah - totally freaked out. A visual I really didn’t need.