I am a single chap.
I used to leave chores until things started to overflow :rolleyes: , but then a friend gave me sound advice:
'Women like a man who does his share around the house. You’re more likely to get a blwjb (for example) if you fill, run and empty the dishwasher without being asked. 
Now my house is spotless!
@Glee, I agree, a dishwasher is essential. I like Bosch, but have a yen for a Miele.
@Rilchiam
Demonstrably I am not speechless, but as a fully paid up chauvinist I’m astonished that you let him treat you like that.
If he is wound up about work, then formally debrief him when he gets home, and also have a grouse about what is bugging you.
Personally as a matter of principle, I would tell him it is either you or the humidifier in the bedroom - females are very effective humidifiers and rather multi functional.
Yeah, this is more or less how it would have gone in my house. 
I wouldn’t have thought of the Y chromosome bit, I’ll have to keep it in mind for next time. Mind if I steal it?
Rilchiam, I respect that you and your husband have your own relationship and your own agreed-upon framework about “housespousing,” responsibilities, and communication. So this is not at all a criticism but just more of a chiming in:
You can add me to the crew whose response to “But why did you do it NOW?” would have been “Don’t like how I do it? Do it yourself.”
This is how it does go in my house, although I am on both sides of the conversation. :smack:
Get a job and hire a maid.
Fill the humidifier with laughing gas. That way he might be a cranky jerk but at least it will seem funny.
Seriously though, I cant speak from personal experience, but definitely stand up for yourself!
Ditto.
Why crack a joke about it? I’ve always found a direct and simple statement about how I feel to be most effective. Making a joke and then expecting results from it strikes me as sort of unfair, because it puts the burden on the other person to “translate” it.
“Honey, I know it wasn’t your intent, but sometimes your complaints about things not being done make me feel like you don’t appreciate all that I do.”
Blunt honesty is underrated. Why be coy? Saying how you really feel saves time and prevents possible misunderstandings.
Feel free! You can use “testicles” instead of “Y Chromosome”, but be careful if you use it in public. You could get some funny looks.
Rilchiam, I don’t know what to say, but I doubt if it much matters, because you’re apparently paying no attention even to your own words. Your defense of your husband is so damning that I have a hard time believing it wasn’t constructed especially for the purpose: he apologized and was civil…until he went downstairs. He exercises…while you shift boxes in the crawl space. His treatment of you at home is excusable because he’s under stress at work…which is why it makes sense for you to join him there too. He’s a fantastic housekeeper who would have done everything right…but he doesn’t, in fact, do anything at all. You didn’t want to be the --emphasis mine-- nagging control freak…but apparently someone has to be? Working for him is good for you…because he thinks you can “better” yourself by doing so.
As I said before, best wishes and good luck. But it seems as though either you’re demonstrating some kind of spousal Stockholm syndrome, or you’re putting us on.
I’m missing something here. Why is cleaning the house 100% your responsibility?
Never mind. Now I see you are not working right now. Still sounds a little bit John and Elly to me, but if it’s an okay arrangement with you, that’s what matters.
In my household:
“Why didn’t you fill the humidifier?”
“Dude, fuck your humidifier.”
Which, like KSO, probably goes a long way towards explaining why I’m the only member of my household.
This OP made me really sad.
I hope your husband stops being a jerk Rilchiam, 'cus he’s really being a jerk. My feelings would be totally hurt if my SO spoke to me that way.
Jodi and others: Please don’t get the idea that I caved to him. Lissa in particular, yes, we always communicate bluntly. The idea of playing passive games is just foreign to me. What upset me was simply the fact that he said this right before he went to bed, and then pulled the “I need my sleep” card so we couldn’t discuss it. Again, not something that happens regularly, or at all that I can remember at the moment.
King: The job he’s doing right now is physical labor. The job I’ll be joining him on is artistic. Two totally different situations. I did not shift boxes while he was working out; I shifted them so that he could. And I did let him know (during the phone conversation) that he should remember who told me to put them in there. I never said anyone “had to” be the nagging control freak; I pointed out that it was necessary for no one to be. I’m not sure if you’re suggesting that he should do housework when he comes home, but rest assured that on the weekends, we do plenty of joint projects, like moving the beds to clean under them.
And if you don’t believe that a guy who tells me he loves me every time he leaves the house or hangs up the phone, stayed by my side for 24 hours while I was catatonic after a seizure, always picked me up from work and often drove me, or arranged for someone else to collect me, when I didn’t have a car*, normally thanks me for everything I do around the house, is going way out of his way to get me something really special that I really want for my birthday, says he loves to see me smile, and a zillion other things, loves and cares about me, then you just don’t.
alice, to continue what I said to KOS, my feelings were hurt. I opened the thread hoping to get advice on how I could settle the matter when he got up in the morning. Unfortunately, right after my first reply to the thread, my cable company spazzed out, and I couldn’t get on SDMB at all! But please note that this is not an everyday occurence.
*and still don’t, which is the main reason why I’m not working now.
P.S. KOS, I didn’t say that problems at work excused the way he spoke to me. What was important to me was knowing that he doesn’t have a problem with the way I do housework, and does not lack appreciation of it. And he did say he was wrong for talking that way.
Yes, I know this is Pittsburgheese. I moved away from the 'burgh when I was 20, having lived there all my life until then. My parents, sister and brother still live there. My grandmother used “redd up” all the time.
:smack: I misread your post. You said you were surrounded by Southernisms, not that you miss them! My bad!
so true, blunt honesty cuts to the core of the matter quickly (even if it may escalate an already tense moment) but in my experience humour gets us over the lumps and bumps found daily in a relationship. In my relationship we have had that appreciation talk ad nauseum, much of it while planted in a marriage counselors office. We know how to behave towards each other when stressed or grumpy or feeling unappreciated but we dont always follow the program. So that’s where the humour comes in and it works for us, like I said before YMMV.
Oh…he doesn’t mean it
He’s under a lot of stress at work
He’s getting help
It’s my fault…I should know better than to…
Oh clumsy old me just walked into the iron again
:rolleyes:
Oh well, I certainly can’t imagine any problems there.