“I don’t do drama.” = “Just for the fact that I feel the need to put this in my profile means that drama follows me wherever I go and I haven’t yet figured out I’m the common denominator.”
“I’m a simple guy.” = “I’m boring as fuck and have never even considered eating sushi.”
My take on “spiritual not religious” = “I don’t believe in all that religion crap but I’m too chicken shit to completely admit it”.
I always thought “I’m spiritual but not religious” meant “I like to think I’m deep, but don’t want to have any inconvenient moral obligations.”
Not in all cases— but when it’s, say, a talkative stranger at a loud party who (in the course of a conversation initiated by them) proudly announces they’re a total introvert, my eyebrow may arch ever so slightly.
Wesley Windham-Price: “Rogue demon hunter”
You apparently think “introverted” means “shy.” It doesn’t. Most introverts are perfectly capable of initiating and enjoying conversations at loud parties – they’ll go home tired, but happy. Introversion is an orientation, not a behavior.
What’s a rogue demon? 
Dunno about Vinyl but I have a couple of ex-friends who confused being an introvert with only ever doing what they wanted to do.
Huh - it never occurred to me that ‘self-employed’ could be anything but a statement of plain fact. It’s a specific tax status here, you have to register for it, and I only ever hear it used in that bureaucratic context: ‘Joe’s skint, he hasn’t been able to find work in months but he can’t get the dole because he’s self-employed.’
What’s it being used to imply, when it’s used in a suspect context? Is it like, ‘No, I’m not just lying on my sofa playing Xbox all day, I’m actually about to launch the next Microsoft’? Because the equivalent I’ve heard is ‘I’m an entrepreneur.’ Pronounced ‘entreprenooooor’.
“I’m very open-minded.”
Actual meaning: “I will cling to my beliefs until my fingernails are shredded and bloody, but I want you to tell me YOUR beliefs so I can convince you of how wrong you are.”
People who are actually open-minded don’t need to announce it. It’s obvious from their behavior. Ditto “I’m very smart.”
Ooh, I thought of another dating one.
“I’m laid back.” = “I have no interesting ideas to suggest for entertainment, so be prepared to plan all of our activities. Or else expect me to vegetate on your couch every Friday night.”
Ok so this one may not be all that common (yeah, right) but any combination of -
(said by thin woman who obviously works out)
‘Wow, people who exercise are funny’ or ‘God, I eat so unhealthily, I really need to eat right’.
Not just any milk, any dairy. It’s not Real Yoghurt if the lactose isn’t fermented, dagnabit! :smack::smack::smack::smack:
Perfectionist: an emotionally unstable person who can’t deal with other’s flaws and in denial of their own… And loves correcting grammar on the Internet.
I agree to a point, but people can have a very spiritual existence without believing everyone is going to hell, or being a part of a political body or any of the other flaws religions tend to have.
The “No Drama” one is spot on. That’s a huge flag right there.
“I’m celiac” said by a coworker who ate the candies on my desk for three days before reading the ingredients. Once she read that there was wheat in them she was suddenly so sick she had to go home.
Yes! I’m talkative, social etc, but the behavior wears me out. I need time alone in a quiet room after many social experiences, especially those that involve lots of small talk. I enjoy it but it leaves me drained.
Yeeahhh. The incidence of gluten allergy or gluten-stimulated celiac disease is between 1 in 1600 to 5000 according to medical resources, and 1 in 100 to 150 by people selling gluten-free products.
Oh, no. I actually am a self-employed, introverted poet. 
But…I’m self-employed because I’m an independent contractor, and I don’t really write or publish anymore, and you’d never know I was an introvert unless you tried to get me to go to a party or a club.
Because I see a lot of new hires come into our company, my favorite is, “I have completely open availability.” When they get hired, I find out that actually means, “I’d like to work 10a-3p on Monday, Wednesday, and every other Friday, and I can’t do Saturdays or Sundays, and I need a minimum of 43 hours but not with any client who is needy or messy or anything like that.”
Deleted. Posted in wrong thread.