I'm a Genie. You Get Five Wishes. List them!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Alright, I might as well admit it; I am, in fact, an all-powerful djinn, of uncountable age and incomprehensible power, and I’m going to give YOU, and just you, five wishes.

Why five? Well, I thought three seemed a bit limited. I was going to give you seven, but that seems like too many to make this interesting, so I settled on five. I’m the all-powerful genie, I make the rules. Oh, wait, rules, that’s right. Actually, there are a lot of rules. Remember the rules in “Aladdin”? Like that - look, that movie was just a kiddie story, though, they didn’t get them all right. Let me lay out the rules for you before you think about your wishes. It’s important you understand them.

1. No wishing for more wishes. You get five. That’s it. You cannot wish for more wishes, and you cannot wish for anything that would be equivalent to creating more wishes - for instance, you cannot wish to make yourself a genie or a god or omnipotent, or give such powers in a loved one, or imbue wishes into some other mechanic. You get five wishes; that’s it. If you even TRY to get around this rule, you lose all your wishes. You can wish yourself other superpowers like flying or laser beam vision or whatever, but not a power to create wishes.

2. You cannot change the past. Your wishes take effect now or at some point in the future but they cannot alter the past; even I, Rick The Mighty, obey the forward movement of time. So wishes like “I wish COVID-19 had never happened,” or “I wish I’d never married Bob,” those are no good. You can wish for COVID-19 to end this week or Bob to stop being such an asshole as of now, but the past is written. Wishes to violate the flow of time are also forbidden; you cannot wish to be back in 1994 again, or wish for a working time machine.

3. Your wishes may violate the laws of physics in specific times and circumstances but cannot universally alter them. If you want me to materialize a tasty, ice-cold Coke in front of you, that’s fine, though, of course, that clearly violates the law of conservation of mass-energy. Giving you ESP clearly violates any number of laws of physics. However, you cannot permanently, universally change a law of the universe. Sorry, but I’m not going to let you do something that destroys all of reality. If you wish for the positive charge of a proton to change that would blow everything up. Can’t have that.

4. You can’t raise the dead. This is one of two I share with the genie from Aladdin.

5. No compound wishes. This is kind of part of Rule 1, but you can’t get more than 5 wishes by making more than one wish. I won’t disqualify you from all your wishes if you do this though, it’s an easy mistake to make. Each wish must be clearly a wish for one thing (Asking for a billion dollars is one thing, not a billion things. Asking to be rich and famous is two things. Get it?)

6. I’d appreciate it if you were reasonably specific. To use an example above, “I wish for ESP” is too vague. “ESP” could be a lot of things. Gimme something specific.

7. I won’t cheat you. I’m not a genie of the sort who plays mean tricks on you by giving you literally what you wished for in some horrible way, nor will I used by mind-boggling powers over the very fabric of time and space itself to ruin your wishes - like, if you wish for a billion dollars, I won’t give you a billion dollars in Monopoly money, nor will I give you a billion real dollars and then decide to hyperinflate the dollar so it’s worthless in two days. Honest adverse effects are your damn problem - if you want to be the President it’s not my problem if the job sucks or some maniac tries to shoot you. I just don’t play any funny games with wish phrasing.

Oh, and one last rule…

8. You need to make all your wishes at once. No holding on to them. You can make them all today, or tomorrow, or five years from now, but when you do, they must all be made in one shot. You can’;t use four wishes and hold on to one to adjust with later. Five wishes, all at the same time.

Have fun!

2

Are you a Jackass or Literal Genie?

3

Is a jackass genie a kind of genie? You’re asking a genie for wishes. Five!

4
  1. Replace my current dwelling with one having a better layout built to today’s standards - I can draw a floorplan if necessary.
  2. Fix husband’s back - he’s been in pain for far too long.
  3. Stop COVID now.
  4. Five million dollars - I don’t want to be too greedy, but I don’t want to have to worry about money.
  5. Finally, I want all elected officials now and forever to have functioning consciences and common sense.
5

I wish that nobody on earth had any need for wishes.

Since you’re not a monkey’s paw genie, I figure this covers all the bases in creating a utopia. I’ll use the other four for sandwiches and a 12 inch pianist.

6

Hmmm . . .

I’ve got my reasonable list of things I’d like and I’m tempted to just check the boxes but on the other hand I’ve got a genie so why not get what I actually want . . .

Ok.

Wish #1: 5,760 contingus and compact acres of arable land with the center no more than 1 hour’s drive from the spokane international airport and on the Idaho side of the border. With at least 10% of the property to be a lake that is fully enclosed by the remainder of the property.

Wish #2: 1.5 million pounds of gold good delivery bars in an accessible vault in the center of the above property

Wish #3: Upgrade and maintain my body to its optimal condition (muscle mass, flexibility, stamina, body fat, vision, joints, etc) until I choose for it change and then only in the manner of my choosing. Basically this is immortality but with a perpetually peak human body and the ability to choose to die.

Wish #4: The ability to manipulate gravity (similar to magneto but with gravity rather than magnetism)

Wish #5: A pickup truck similar to a Ram 2500 power wagon but all electric with a 500 mile range, a 3 second 0-60 time, and the ability to fully recharge in 30 minutes. Along with the drawings and patents to set up a factory to build more. If this counts as a compound wish I’ll just take the drawings and IP and wait to build my truck.

7

This is insufficiently specific, sorry; “common sense” is vague and usually tied to a person’s own values. I can do a conscience, though; I would assume you just mean you do not want a public official to be significantly diagnosable as a psychopath. Since this is technically a compound wish, I will grant that, and disregard the common sense part entirely.

Thank you for using me for all your wishing needs.

8

Okay, I’ll take a swing at this.

  1. Humanity undergoes a permanent and irrevocable change that creates instant empathy between humans and all other creatures. Any pain you deal another person, you feel. Beat your dog, get bruises. Amount of feedback is proportional to the neurological complexity of the creature involved–step on an ant and you get a barely perceptible twinge, run into a whale with your yacht and prepare to feel what it’s like to have a propeller slice into your body. Emotional pain included with humans–call your spouse something awful, you’re gonna know just how hard it landed and for how long the pain lasted.

  2. Humanity undergoes a permanent and irrevocable change that makes it impossible for a baby to be conceived without the wholehearted and enthusiastic intention to do so by both parties involved.

  3. No human’s station in life can be improved unless all humans’ station is improved by the same amount. You cannot amass a hundred million dollars unless all humans have the equivalent–no matter how hard you work, you’ll stay right where you are until everyone’s resources have been improved. A rising tide is required to lift all the boats.

  4. Humanity undergoes a permanent and irrevocable change such that physical health mirrors mental health exactly. All illness can be cured by diligent application of mental effort intended to make one’s body heal. This effort can be effectively aided and guided by others if needed.

  5. I’d like a small valley, maybe 100 acres or so, with arable land in the valley floor surrounded by treed hills. Year round clear stream running through it, with a nice little lake. House and barn optional, and with a decent dirt road leading to it. Somewhere in the wet side of Oregon please.

9

1 – that all humans be unable to take any pleasure from the pain of any other living creature, but instead find it actively unpleasant. Let me word this carefully: we’d still be able to cause pain if necessary, and a doctor or veterinary, for example, would still be able to take pleasure in their skill; but nobody would take pleasure in the pain itself, everyone would find it unpleasant.

2 – that everybody has at least enough of the necessities of life to be reasonably comfortable. Some people can have more than others, but nobody’s starving, or homeless, or can’t afford needed medical care, plus food they actually want to eat and a place that’s fit for them personally to live and education both for practical use and for pleasure.

3 – that the planetary environment be restored to a non-polluted state
– note: I’m defining pollution as both the presence of harmful synthetic materials, and the presence in excess of natural materials in the wrong places – radioactive pollution, for instance; excess ozone near the surface of the planet; excess CO2 in the atmosphere.

4 – that my personal body becomes an entirely fit and healthy age 27 (but with my current knowledge). I’m willing to age naturally from there.

5 – oh, and I’ll take that $5 million while you’re at it. After taxes, please.

10

How are wishes prioritized? If they’re in order, then you can’t have wish 5 without fulfilling wish 3 simultaneously. Presumably the genie is creative enough that it gives the equivalent of a small personal valley in Oregon to everyone on Earth; nevertheless I’m not sure there is enough decent land or resources to provide that even allowing for exchanges (say, a New York penthouse condo). I suppose the genie could send humanity into space, with giant, comfortable space habitats providing equivalent land.

11

Just one wish. The Gunner’s Dream

 A place to stay, enough to eat
 Somewhere, old heroes shuffle safely down the street
 Where you can speak out loud about your doubts and fears
 And what's more, no one ever disappears
 You never hear their standard issue kicking in your door
 You can relax on both sides of the tracks
 And maniacs don't blow holes in bandsmen by remote control
 And everyone has recourse to the law
 And no one kills the children anymore
 No one kills the children anymore
12

  1. All firearms everywhere and from now into eternity will instantly fall apart into useless pieces of scrap once touched by human hands. Want to kill or scare someone? Do it with knives or clubs or fists, you lazy cowards.

  2. Medicare for all in the USA. Socialized medicine like the rest of the goddamn world.

  3. Ten million dollars. I can make most of my own wishes from that, I think.

  4. Cure my diabetes. It’s annoying as fuck.

  5. Cure my depression. I’ve got only so many years left. I’d like to enjoy them.

13
  1. Financial security, with a bit more for occasional luxuries.
  2. A large home, with all appropriate comforts included, all utilities and mortgage/rents fully paid up.
  3. Perfect health and fitness appropriate for my age (okay, slightly better), until I die sometime in my 90s.
  4. Left wing Governments worldwide forever more.
  5. Climate change addressed and repaired, with no further human-made upheaval.
14

Everyone in the world immediately has the same general phenotype - brown eyes, medium brown skin, straight black scalp hair, turned-up noses, medium lips, epicanthic folds, a tendency to lean muscularity as a body type, an adult height of 6 ft with a 5% variance, no body hair. They will look as much like their old appearance as that one phenotype allows.

Everyone in the world speaks, reads and writes the same language, as their mother tongue. This doesn’t prevent them from understanding other languages they may have known, or learning new ones, but they will all immediately consider the universal language “theirs”, rather than whatever language they did use, with a strong, abiding sense of belonging. That universal language will be English, for convenience sake.

Anyone who has ever tried (or succeeded) to rape someone dies immediately, disappearing in a puff of smoke, unless they are currently controlling heavy machinery or transport vehicles, in which case they will die as soon as they stop doing that. This effect is ongoing from the initial die-off i.e. attempted rape is now successful suicide.

All humans, globally, share a psychic field that inhibits reproduction to only one child per woman until the global population drops below around 1.5 Billion.

Humans become psychologically incapable of inflicting real physical harm on other humans - they will become increasingly agitated just thinking about it, even starting to try will cause intense painkiller-proof headaches, and persisting will render them temporarily catatonic. This includes harm by proxy, by substance, or harm by deliberate inaction, but does not include harm by not risking your own life or harm by ignorance. So, for instance, the staff, board and investors of a company that pollutes will find themselves with a constant migraine until the company cleans up its act, and someone ordering a drone strike will fall down senseless before they got half the words out their mouth (This assumes pre-existing drones, of course, since manufacturing military drones is now impossible. So is manufacturing any weapons designed primarily for harming people.) Not jumping into a fire to save someone, however, will not trigger the effect. Nor will doing surgery. Corporal punishment of kids will. Bloodsports like boxing or UFC are no longer a thing, and stuff like the NFL or rugby could only continue to exist in much safer forms. But judo and fencing are still fine. There are no people immune to the effect - even psychopaths and other mentally-ill people are subject to the effect.

15
  1. A working pancreas
  2. Lots of money
  3. Pilots lisc.
  4. Cute toes
  5. A set of identical twin girls with red curly hair, green eyes and a smattering of freckles.
16
  1. Knowledge. All of it.
  2. Wisdom. The ability to use that knowledge well.
  3. Health: No pain, no aches, no hangovers.
  4. Wit. On time! Not in the stairs on my way down.
  5. Introduce me to Beckdawrek’s twin girls when they get 18
17

  1. COVID-19 vaccine

  2. Win some kind of lottery that will give my something like $5,000 a week for life. I won’t have to work, I won’t have to worry about money. I can save plenty for my son, but this isn’t going to make me a billionaire, and it will take time (and investing) to make me a millionaire. I just want to be comfortable and free of money worries; I don’t want to be on Forbes lists.

  3. End to my insomnia.

  4. The next president will get bitten by some wind-and-solar bug, and pour a lot of money into converting dirty power plants into clean power plants, so we don’t have to try to convince individual people to switch power use. If you are hooked up to the grid, you go clean. I won’t wish for this “for the world,” because aside from it probably violating the “too broad” rule, AND being presumptuous on 3rd world nations, a lot of Europe is ahead of us, and yet other places I think would jump on the wagon if the US got on first.

  5. Not sure what to do with this one. Considering being able to speak perfect Modern Israeli Hebrew, but I don’t really need that. Can I pass my wish onto someone who needs it more than I do? Or does that use up the wish? If I’m allowed to share my wishes, so that someone else who really needs a wish can have it, I’ll do that. If that’s against the rules, then I’ll take being able to speak perfect Modern Israeli Hebrew.

18

  1. Raise the empathy of every living person on earth, towards all other people, to the level of at least a loving parent (remember you said you wouldn’t be evil and make this all sit around feeling sorry for each other while we starve to death)

  2. let me die peacefully and content in my sleep

19

Umm, WHAT!? Everyone who is schizophrenic also becomes physically decrepit? Everyone with diabetes also develops memory loss?

20

Reported to admins