I'm a maid, but I don't get paid for it (long)

The BBQ Pit
21

I hate to be so contentious, but somebody has to stand up for the dirty people.

He didn’t make her do house work after knee surgery. She decided she didn’t like the state of the house, and she went around cleaning it. He didn’t force her to do it. He didn’t ask her to do it. She did it of her own free will so that the house would be up to her standards.

Frankly, all he is obligated to do is make sure the house is clean enough that the children wouldn’t get taken away by social services. Anything above that is doing her a favor- which is nice enough but can’t be expected. What if she decides that walls ought to be scrubbed with toothbrushes? Should he be responsible for half of that? What if he decides the house needs a giant HDTV to watch football on, should she be responsible for half of that? If you are the only one that wants something, the mere fact that it is beneficial to the entire household does not mean that everyone in the house has to drop everything so that you get something that you want when they don’t really care about it.

22

If the only reason you are considering getting a divorce is over the cleanliness of the house, and that could be fixed by getting a maid service (if the money is there, of course), then I would have to say you don’t have much of a reason for divorce. Marriages aren’t perfect, people aren’t perfect, and if his flaws in this area are more than made up in other areas, I would suggest getting a maid service and keeping an otherwise good husband and father. I guess you need to decide if your marital problems are solvable with a maid service or not. And don’t forget - in a few years, your kids will be old enough to help you with the housework too!

23

even sven, this is the part of the OP I was talking about:

I think there’s more going on here than just the fact the guy’s a slob.

24

Even if the money isn’t there - a housekeeper is cheaper (even in the long term) than a divorce involving children.

Yes, there are deeper issues here, like respect. And there may be (as Sven says) some issues regarding the clean threshold each of you has. And, if you are considering divorcing your husband over how clean the house is when children are involved - there are probably other issues going on.

So a housekeeper AND a marriage counselor.

25

I’m with Sven. Although if there was an agreement about how clean the house WOULD be before marriage, then he should clean the house to the previously set standard.

That said, I live in an extraordinarily dirty apartment. As in, literally difficult to walk around in there is so much stuff around. If I were living with someone, I’d be willing to put in some extra effort to manage that, especially since it would probably be easier with two people.

But, I wouldnt want to devote several hours extra a week to keep the house to a level of physical cleanliness above that which I’m used to. Pests, however, would be an exception, but even though my apartment is physically dirty, I rarely get pests. When I do, I clean.

26

While I agree that there are always two sides to every story, I think it’s pretty clear that Seldon is having issues and her husband is content to ignore them. Even if her standards of cleanliness are above and beyond his, it isn’t fair to not even meet her halfway. This is the deal they struck when they got married; he’s reneged on it and it’s only natural that she’d feel shortchanged. Leaving the dishes in the sink for a week, until they attract ants, basically forcing her to do them for him, sounds very passive aggressive to me.

And if it wasn’t passive aggressive–if he really just forgot, repeatedly, for a week–he shouldn’t get defensive when he’s reminded of things like this.

However, not allowing your 4 year old to have friends over very often, because her room is a “disaster,” and somehow blaming this on your husband, is a bit much. Four year olds don’t care how clean their rooms are; they care even less how clean their friends’ rooms are. Ditto for your own friends; if they know you’re having trouble keeping up with everything, why should they mind if your front room is untidy? My friends have a genius for coming over when my place is a wreck; it’s a standing joke and I’m too happy to see them to really mind. Nobody’s perfect, and these are your friends. Why are you so afraid they’ll judge you on the state of your housecleaning abilities?

While I think it’s clear your husband needs a wake-up call, because this is obviously really bothering you, I think it’s also clear that you have standards for yourself that may be difficult for other people to meet. This doesn’t excuse his behavior, which obviously needs improvement, but it may be a clue as to why.

27

Is this the only thing you fight about? I know that when my husband and I start fighting about housework, it is usually because there is something else going on. If I start to feel like I am doing more than my share, it is more about how I feel as a valued part of the relationship, and it is usually because I am feeling neglected or unappreciated. My SO is absent-minded to begin with, so it’s frustrating sometimes when he forgets a chore, but if I feel like he is purposefully not doing something because he knows it will upset me, then it’s about a deeper issue.

It’s hard when you talk something over and let your partner know how much something means to you, and how much it upsets you when they don’t do it, and they continue to brush you off when you think it would be so easy for them to just do it. When it gets to that point, it’s time to re-evaluate and think about how you feel in other aspects. Is he generous and thoughtful in other ways? Does he show appreciation for you at all? Do you show any for what he does do?

I know that when my husband and I take the time to tell each other we appreciate what the other has done, even if it is just noticing they picked up a little and saying thanks, both of us are happier regardless of who is doing more. I try to thank my husband for little things he does, when he feels appreciated he is more likely to do more. I know that when I don’t feel appreciated I tend to do less, or make a big production of look what I am doing for you I am cleaning by myself, (which doesn’t work, surprisingly :wink: ). It can be a cycle that is hard to get out of. I second the idea of a counselor, sometimes it is just good to get it all out and at least feel heard, and get an objective opinion. If it is really about the cleaning then I would get a maid.

28

I have not read most of the posts on this thread so if I am repeating something, I apologize in advance.

What I am getting from what you have told us is something that went unsaid. If I am right, your husbands lack of assistance in matters that he SHOULD be helping out with is making you feel unappreciated. Rightly so. I am a stay at home mom, I gave up a 60K job a year to do this. Fortunately, we can make it on what my husband brings in. However, that leaves me with NO escape from MY job which is the home. Now I do 99% of the cooking and about 95% of the cleaning. Only fair I think. BUT on the weekends, I WANT SOME TIME OFF!!! So it is his turn to watch the kids and do some cleaning up after them, if only so that he understands why I am exausted at the end of the day. After about 4 hours he has had it, which is fine, at least once a month I get to sleep in. BELIEVE me, it did NOT start off that way.

We ended up having a quite conversation about how his actions or lack there of were making me feel. I was the one getting up 3 to 4 times a night with our son AND cleaning up after everyone and doing all the work around the house. It made me feel like I was being taken advantage of. Not to mention unappreciated. When I finally got it through his head, after about FOUR of these quiet, and painful conversations, I finally LOST IT. For the first time in all the years I had known him, I SCREAMED at him. I grabbed my car keys and I left. I left him with our son, who I had just fed, for three hours alone. That was the clincher, he finally started listening.

The point of this little story is, I found a way to say what I needed him to hear in a way that got through his head. Try a different tactic. Make a list of things you need him to do, put a saftey pin on it, walk up to him and give him a kiss, then pin the list to his shirt. When he asks whats that is for, just say, sweetly I might add, “oh, well honey, since you are acting so much like a little boy about cleaning up after yourself and doing your fair share of the chores, I figured that I needed to treat you like a little boy until you grow up. Here, have a cookie, cartoons are on, but you are going to have to go clean up your room now. Go on, or no cookie for you!” Treat him like a very little kid. That is how he is acting. Tell him that when he starts acting like a grown-up, he will be treated like one. Shame can do WONDERS for a man, particularly one that doesn’t realize that he is acting like a child.

I hope things get better for you! Don’t divorce him, believe me that would create far more problems than it would solve. Kids need both parents. They also need both parents to ACT like adults, and right now hubby is only teaching them how to continue to be children rather than how to grow up and take responsiblity. That might be another thing to mention. What is he teaching them by his actions? How NOT to be responsible. Is that REALLY what he wants to teach them? If so, he is doing a KNOCK-UP job of it!!!
Best of luck to you!!
Danae

29

I was thinking about this last night.

My hubby is a wonderful guy. But…

If I say “Honey, will you do the dishes.” He says “fine.” And he puts it on his to do list and it might get done in the next week. If I say “Honey, can you take a break from the computer game now and do the dishes,” he stops what he is doing and does dishes. He needs to have a very concrete time frame put on things - or he’ll do them in his own time - not mine.

I’m the opposite. If he says to me “Honey, will you do the dishes,” I stop whatever I am doing and do the dishes - all the time mumbling under my breath “God, can’t he see that I was in the middle of something…all he does is nag.” He did, and he didn’t mean to stop what I was doing - he meant “Honey, will you do the dishes sometime?” Not “Get the dishes done now.”

I don’t know if any of this rings true for you - how clear you’ve been in your expectations. When I say “do the dishes” I mean the pots and pans, wipe the counters and stoves, clean the table, sweep up, and mop if necessary. He thinks “do the dishes” means wash the plates and cups. If I say “can you do a load of laundry” that means, to me, sorting out some laundry, putting it in the washer, waiting, putting it through the dryer, and when dry folding it and PUTTING IT AWAY. To him, doing a load of laundry means pulling a bunch of stuff out of the laundry (he sorts pretty well) and putting it into the washer and starting the washer. Drying is optional. Folding is really optional. And putting away was a foreign concept to him.

Its taken us almost nine years (and a housekeeper) to come to this understanding.

30

A maid is ALWAYS worth it.

But also, is fight over this worth losing your marriage? If not, get to a counselor. If so, get a lawyer.

But either way, get a maid. You deserve it.

31

I really agree with Evensven on the whole concept of levels of cleanliness.

My b/f and I have different things that we get weird about.
I’m freaky about dishes and food. I clean out the fridge very regularly and never let the sink get more than half full of dishes. I also take out the trash as soon as I detect ANY sort of scent upon lifting the lid (kinda weird that way). The b/f will leave food out for MONTHS on his counter (I kid not) and I can count on one hand the number of times he’s washed dishes in the 8 months he’s lived in his apartment. But he’s freaky about CRUMBS. Crumbs I say. He actually said he didn’t want to come to my apartment anymore because I had crumbs on my counter. He thought it was gross. I laughed for days about that one while I pictured his nasty ass apartment. 6 month old food on the counter is okay, but crumbs are disgusting. Go figure. He’s also crazy about clothes on the floor (isn’t that where they belong?) but will have 4 huge bags of trash in his kitchen for weeks at a time.

Anyhoo, the point of the story is since we both have our own freaky little cleanliness standards, we take responsibility for them. He makes sure his dishes are done and there’s no food over the month mark in his fridge and I make sure my counters are wiped and my clothes are picked up. We both take responsibility for our own obsessions and everyone’s happy. We each have enough of them that they pretty much even out.

I wouldn’t suggest the sex thing either. Doesn’t work for me anyway as he actually can hold out longer than I can. Damn my hyperactive libido!

I also second whoever said to give praise when he actually does do something. I came home from work the other day and the bf had washed my dishes and done my laundry (he’s out of work, so he spends the day at my apartment as he’s looking for a job in my area) I was so thrilled that I went on and on about what a great b/f he is and thanking him for making me smile. He was glowing. He just called me at work to tell me he had another suprise for me when I get home (my money is on him doing dishes again, he’s not that imaginative) so I could smile again. He loved all the praise and wanted more.

Good luck to you.

32

Seldon, I totally agree that the problem goes much deeper than the housework. The two of you do need to be in counselling if you want the marriage to continue. Allthough most insurance doesn’t pay for a psychologist, often they will pay something when you are seeing a psychiatrist. If you can’t afford once a week, try twice a month or even once a month.

If you have a joint banking account, then temporarily hiring someone to clean the house regularly will relieve some of the pressure. But your husband should pay for it.

Get yourself past the idea that he should be “helping” you. The responsibility is equally his. (Why is it I never hear husbands talk about their wives “helping” them with housework?)

Who can relieve you from your self-imposed sense of obligation? I understand that you have obligations toward your children and that you want them to live in a clean home. But you can release yourself of obligations to him. Not doing his laundry is good. So is not cooking his meals. At least he will be facing some of the consequences of his choices. Let him know ahead of time that if he doesn’t do his share, you will not be taking care of him. But do it firmly. Don’t fight about it. You might want to read a book about setting boundaries.

Those obligations to your children include some things that are even more important than a clean house. They need to see their mother treated with respect and their father doing his full share. And they deserve a happy mother.

Don’t resort to aggressive behaviors yourself. Aggressive behaviors include name-calling, always/never statements, complaining about everything that is wrong in the marriage at one time, putting the things he leaves behind in his car. If you do those things he may feel guilt and shame and no good comes from those feelings. These aggressive behaviors also encourage defensiveness and counterattacks. Ultimately, they don’t solve the problem.

When I complained to my shrink that my husband didn’t get things done that he had promised to do, the good doctor told me to give my husband a short deadline. If he still didn’t do it, I was to call and have it done. Just the threat of his having to turn loose of a few bucks went a long way toward solving the problem.