I'm a newlywed contemplating divorce

In My Humble Opinion
1

I really don’t have anywhere else to discuss this, but I feel like I need to let this out somehow so that I can move forward in some way.

I’m twenty six and I am newly married. I do love my husband, however, when I think about it logically oftentimes I don’t believe we should have gotten married at all. We’ve been together for four years and I feel like it’s been four years of resentment for each other for different things though namely health issues, which will obviously only get worse as we age. I also think some major emotional/mental abuse went on from his side.

In the four years we’ve been together he had: mono, a still unknown infection which led to a tonsillectomy, he almost died from complications after that surgery (this was in the first 5 months of us dating), bronchitis on our first vacation together, dislocates his knee, tears his hamstring, messes up a disc in his spine permanently, gets into a car accident, discovers he has prostatitis, and the other day we found out he has shingles. There is just always something going on with him. I wanted to leave him two years ago, but I thought I was being selfish for not sticking by him and I love him, so I stayed. I have spent most of my “best years,” shuffling off to doctor’s appointments and sitting at home doing nothing because of this.

I, on the other hand, have dysthymia and have had it for 10 years now. He’s brushed it off as me exaggerating sadness and pretty much gave me a horrible self esteem complex for going about my weight. I went from being very confident in myself despite my depression to sometimes not eating all day and drinking heavily. In the past year together he did get much much better. I calmly laid everything out for him and he finally got it. He’s a changed man. I thought this would make me feel better, to be finally understood, but everything changed once we actually got married.

It’s as if all the realizations and resentment have caught up to me. I’m so worried that I’ve made a terrible mistake and this may not be the life I want. There are times I recoil from him when he tries to kiss me and it makes me cry that I feel like this. I feel like he led me to believe I had no other options in life but him, I feel like he broke me down and I feel like I settled for the love I thought I deserved. A few friends think I should move on because he’s different now. Part of me wants to fight for this and go to therapy together and the other half just wants to file for divorce.

I don’t really know what I’m expecting in terms of responses, I just feel completely alone and confused. Thrilled to realize that I did (do?) have options, but heartbroken at how I feel about my marriage. Thanks for reading.

2

Can you talk to his doctor about any of this? This is an awfully long string of illnesses for someone in his 20s, and I wonder if there isn’t a psychological issue as well, and / or an addition to pain medication. I obviously have no way of gauging, but as a spouse you should have some rights to discuss his care, and a conversation with a dispassionate medical professional might do you some good. Best of luck. (ETA: You don’t say how old he is. It’s a long list for someone in his 40s, too.)

3

Definitely therapy or counseling for the two of you. You don’t want to go through a divorce without being sure why you’re doing it. You also don’t want to spend the rest of your lives together wondering if it’s a good idea.

Sorry about all the health issues… my wife & I went through some of that ourselves.

4

Oh, he’s 30. This all began when he was 26. It is really odd, up until we began dating he rarely got sick besides having sinus infections due to a deviated septum. Definitely don’t think it’s a pain med addiction as he rarely took them and they are still in the house. I never thought about a psychological angle, either way it’s strange and concerns me.

5

I don’t know about him, but you seem to need to talk to someone about you because you let him do all of these things. * You* participated. *You stayed with him. * You made the choice to drink heavily, etc., etc…

I guess what I’m saying is I’m not sure that the next person that you would find (if you left) wouldn’t be doing things to you as well that seem like they are out of your control but really aren’t.

6

What do you see as the best possible outcome for you? For you husband?

7

Nm

8

Of course I let him. I’m not denying my accountability in this nor am I placing the blame solely on him. Not everything is black and white, obviously at the time if I felt like it was in my control, I would have done something about it, don’t you think? I mean I really don’t even know what to say to this, as I clearly said I didn’t have these issues prior to meeting him, so he is the catalyst. I’ve already realized that it was not okay and that I’m trying to figure out what’s best for me and for us.

9

So wait. You want to divorce him because you don’t want to deal with his health issues, or because he wasn’t nice to you about yours in the beginning?

10

I feel like the best possible outcome would be to figure out if my feelings are unprocessed from everything that happened before or if I really just don’t want to be in this relationship. I want both of us to be happy. He deserves a wife that isn’t checked out and I deserve to not feel like my husband isolated me, making me feel like he was my only choice.

11

Not to be judgmental, but it sounds to me, from the wording you are using, that you almost blame him for getting sick. You say you love him, but it certainly doesn’t seem that way based on what you wrote.

Other than his not accepting your weight and not understanding your depression - I don’t hear much he has done wrong except get sick.

No one appreciates dysthymia - it truly does suck.

Will you feel like a failure if you admit your marriage is over? Pressure from your parents to keep it going?

12

No, the health issues highlight to me the fundamental differences in how we felt about each other in the relationship and also resentment on my part because he dismissed mine and yet I stayed for his. I guess in a way I feel I wasted time. I’m thinking about divorce because I feel like I wasn’t in a good place mentally/emotionally for a large part of this relationship due to things he did to me. I know as it’s already been said, I chose to stay, but that doesn’t negate the things that he did.

13

I don’t blame him for getting sick at all. That isn’t his fault. What I blame him for is being dismissive and reducing my depression to mere dramatics, while I was there from day one supporting his. My issue wasn’t considered to be as serious because it’s more passive than his constant going to the doctor and needing medicine. I would feel like a complete and total failure to end this marriage. I am my parents only child and they would be devastated.

14

There are likely too many issues to get past. You probably should divorce as quickly as possible.

On your side being with 30 year old man who is physically falling apart is going to be a trial and I sense zero affection or love for him. On the other hand from his perspective marrying a low level depressive person (I speak from hard experience here) is just an unbearably weary exercise over time. Regardless of where it comes from, or how it’s treated they will eventually suck the life force out of you and leave you a husk.

You need to end this as quickly as possible. You are very bad for each other.

15

Yup.

I think most divorced people can relate to feeling like a failure when their marriage ends. I know I did. Seriously, an incredible sense of failure that doesn’t let up. Not a good reason to keep a marriage going, though.

Well you said he’s a changed man, but I guess that isn’t good enough for you. You want to remain angry instead of being happy about the understanding he’s gained. I don’t know you, but it seems clear as day to me that you cannot stand the guy. Seek couples’ counseling. I’m not one for quitting marriage, so I strongly suggest the counseling route, but I also live on planet Earth and know not all can be salvaged. If you seek help and continue to resent your husband as much as it seems you do now, do him a favor and pull the plug.

16

Sounds to me like you have a lot of anger towards him - perhaps justifiably so - and are looking for some logical reason to leave.

I don’t know of course, but that is what it sounds like.

If you are unhappy - that is all the reason you need. Of course, if things could be patched up - that is another story.

But the fact you use the word “recoil” when talking about him kissing you isn’t a good sign.

Dysthymia - usually doesn’t respond well to medication. Are you in that boat as well? Things can seem fairly helpless when you have it. Alcohol can be a way to self medicate.

It is normal to feel like a failure when your marriage isn’t working out. Would you feel relieved at all if he asked for a divorce? What if your parents were dead - would you be more likely to want a divorce?

My guess is deep down you really do want a divorce and some of these other factors are making it more difficult.

Sometimes is it hard to think logically with depression. Perhaps counseling would be helpful, and maybe if you both went you could figure a way out that is the least painful for both of you.

17

I know it’s not as good as getting opinions from random strangers on the internet that don’t know either of you or the whole situation, but have you thought about marriage counseling?

18

Terrible wording on my part. Don’t kill the guy or anything.

19

Medicine is not for me it didn’t help. I have been seeing a therapist after not seeing one for a while due to no insurance and I have been little by little chipping away at this resentment/esteem issue.

I think the one thing I want to make clear here is that I am not angry anymore. There was a point in time that was extremely angry. I’m hurt. I don’t want to feel like this, I don’t want to waste my life holding a grudge about anything. It’s just really confusing to not know whether this is something I should move on from or not. Yes, he’s changed. That’s great that he’s changed, but that isn’t everything. I don’t hate him, I resent somethings quite a bit I won’t deny, but mostly I’m hurt and I’m worried. Worried, I’ll get pregnant and gain too much weight and he’ll start right back up with his stuff. I’m concerned for both of us. Worried that he was just excited in the honeymoon period and that soon the other shoe will drop. I just want us to be happy. I recoil from him not because I hate him or anything, but because after him making me feel unattractive I have internalized that I am some sort of chore to him, that he’s doing it because I’m there, not because he’s so into me. It’s just a sad habit that I’m slowly working to get out of meanwhile there is the resentful part of me that says eff this.

It’s just hard.I look at him and I think he is a wonderful, handsome man that I absolutely adore and then those feelings of resentment creep up because I think how could this person have done all that awful crap. Probably doesn’t make sense but that’s how I feel. I know this needs time to figure itself out. In my heart of hearts I don’t want to quit my marriage. I’m just so sick of feeling like this. I don’t want either one of us to suffer and I’ll do what it takes to try and get through this so I will talk to him about couples therapy as we have discussed it briefly before. Thanks for reading again.

20

If your parents will become devastated over you divorcing, then they will simply join the millions of other parents who are devastated about something their grown children have or have not done. They meet every Friday at Bill and Barb’s house to kvetch over Chex party mix. This week’s topic: Why Won’t They Give Us Grandbabies!

Don’t live your life for your parents. Decent parents only want their kids to be happy. Whether they are married or not.