I really don’t have anywhere else to discuss this, but I feel like I need to let this out somehow so that I can move forward in some way.
I’m twenty six and I am newly married. I do love my husband, however, when I think about it logically oftentimes I don’t believe we should have gotten married at all. We’ve been together for four years and I feel like it’s been four years of resentment for each other for different things though namely health issues, which will obviously only get worse as we age. I also think some major emotional/mental abuse went on from his side.
In the four years we’ve been together he had: mono, a still unknown infection which led to a tonsillectomy, he almost died from complications after that surgery (this was in the first 5 months of us dating), bronchitis on our first vacation together, dislocates his knee, tears his hamstring, messes up a disc in his spine permanently, gets into a car accident, discovers he has prostatitis, and the other day we found out he has shingles. There is just always something going on with him. I wanted to leave him two years ago, but I thought I was being selfish for not sticking by him and I love him, so I stayed. I have spent most of my “best years,” shuffling off to doctor’s appointments and sitting at home doing nothing because of this.
I, on the other hand, have dysthymia and have had it for 10 years now. He’s brushed it off as me exaggerating sadness and pretty much gave me a horrible self esteem complex for going about my weight. I went from being very confident in myself despite my depression to sometimes not eating all day and drinking heavily. In the past year together he did get much much better. I calmly laid everything out for him and he finally got it. He’s a changed man. I thought this would make me feel better, to be finally understood, but everything changed once we actually got married.
It’s as if all the realizations and resentment have caught up to me. I’m so worried that I’ve made a terrible mistake and this may not be the life I want. There are times I recoil from him when he tries to kiss me and it makes me cry that I feel like this. I feel like he led me to believe I had no other options in life but him, I feel like he broke me down and I feel like I settled for the love I thought I deserved. A few friends think I should move on because he’s different now. Part of me wants to fight for this and go to therapy together and the other half just wants to file for divorce.
I don’t really know what I’m expecting in terms of responses, I just feel completely alone and confused. Thrilled to realize that I did (do?) have options, but heartbroken at how I feel about my marriage. Thanks for reading.