Your wariness is well justified. Dealing with congenitally neurotic, worried people is enervating. It’s soul destroying. If you are not a “chore” now you are rapidly becoming a chore. The last thing on God’s green earth you want to do at this juncture is get pregnant.
Divorce him and move on. You both deserve more. You need clarity about your own issues. Harboring resentment toward him because he is not sufficiently sensitive and supportive of a mental condition that, over time, will cause most people to flee your presence is not something you need to have burdening you. You need to be on your own, free to make new choices, so does he.
Ugh, at the risk of sounding smushy, here goes. My marriage began and ended when I was pretty young, so I get the OP. On top of the normal feelings of failure that most divorced people go through, I have an extremely religious and judgmental mother who I really didn’t want to tell about it. She’s been married since 1968 in something of an eventful marriage, but it’s still there over 40 years later. I told my friends my marriage was up before I told my mom. I waited until Christmas was approaching and I was going home to tell her, because, well, people will ask where the hell your husband is. Every time I screw something up, my mom’s response when I whine or ask for help is “Well you shouldn’t have screwed it up in the first place,” so I just did not want to deal with more of her almost cyborgian lack of empathy. But when I told her my marriage was over, she cried on the phone with me and I had to convince her not to hop on a plane to be with me.
No matter how much pressure you parents put on you, unless they’re complete assholes (which some people’s parents are, and I’m hoping yours are not), they want you to be happy, and if you’re not, they want to help. They want your marriage to work because they think that’s what’s best for you, and think divorce is quitter talk that won’t do anyone any good. But if it doesn’t work out, and they’re good folks, they will be there for you.
But enough about that. Seriously, get your ass into couple’s counseling post haste. Just know that if it doesn’t work, and as a very last resort, and I mean very last resort (“for better or for worse,” remember?) do not worry about what others think. You will be far more disappointed than they are. They will be there for you.
My daughter is an only child, and I might be disappointed, but if I felt she had tried her best I’d get over it. I don’t believe in hasty divorces, but sometimes it’s best. You think you have given him your best years at 26. How will you feel if you’re in the same boat at 56? Then you can talk about best years.
I agree with the people suggesting counseling, but don’t stay in this for your parents.
I’m also for trying couples’ counseling. If you don’t have insurance that covers it, there may be something available through a church, if that’s something you’d be involved with, or even through a community center.
But the very first thing I’d suggest you do is see your gynecologist and be sure you’re on a very reliable birth control method. Whatever else you ultimately do, getting pregnant now would do nothing but make things worse all the way around.
I do want to add that your ‘best years’ are ahead of you. Seriously. The only thing worst than being in an unhappy marriage for a year, is being in one for a year and a day.
I didn’t say I had given him my best years already. I said I had spent my best years hanging out in doctor’s offices, meaning my early twenties. I don’t think I’m out of line for feeling that way just like he thinks it sucks that he’s spent half of his twenties being sick. And I can’t get pregnant right now, I have that taken care of so I didn’t mean I’m worried I’ll magically get knocked up. I just meant in general concerned about how he’d react to any weight gain during a potential pregnancy. That’s my own insecure self esteem issue though.
I just spoke to him and we’re going to make an appointment for counseling together this week. He’s happy we’ve decided to go through with it and so am I. So that’s really all I can say about this now. Just glad that we can get the ball rolling, because I wouldn’t mind another 50 years of doctor’s visits with him at all. Thanks for your words advice everyone and I really appreciate what you had to say MeanOldLady.
My parents would be devastated for me, not that my marriage ended, but that it had to come to an end. They want nothing but my happiness and by extension his.
Definitely go to counseling. If you can’t go together, then go alone. If you go together, then you’ll know you did the best you could, however it turns out, and that will make you feel less guilty about it, even if you don’t believe counseling will save the marriage.
Another thing, which won’t help now but may give you something to think about: Many people do not do well in long term relationships. Something changes, when you’re with another person, that absolutely requires you to think of yourself as part of a couple. But a lot of people just aren’t really themselves 100 percent that way, and if one bends TOO much, often an important part of you feels like its deadening. Ad this it’s where personal counseling comes in, to recognize, without guilt, that you need to be more…well, YOURSELF, in order to thrive and not just survive.
This marriage may not work out, but if it doesn’t, make sure it’s for the right reasons, else the next relationship may seem eerily familiar. I say this with much experience.
Edit…I took to long to write this, lol. Good for the counseling. I hope you both learn much from it.
I understand completely. In fact, after two years of separation my ex and I got back together to try a little bit harder. We still weren’t right for each other, and separating the second time was harder on us, and certainly the kids. I’m now a firm believer in pulling the plug sooner rather than later. Not that all relationships don’t have rough times, but the real problems are a whole different thing. I’m now ten years into the most healthy and happy relationship of my life, and I can tell you that I’d do anything to keep it going, even in tough times. If it got to the point where I was miserable enough to write the OP, then it’s no longer worth saving.
I think going to a counselor is a good idea at least partially because it is possible that your dysthymia or your alcohol abuse is distorting things and making things seem worse than they would seem if you were in a better state of mind. Perhaps the counselor can help with determining if that is a factor here.
I tried for YEARS to make my marriage right. I too thought myself selfish for thinking of giving up. What I now realize I ended up with was a decade of barely tolerable companionship, and a lot of unfulfilled dreams.
Think carefully, but think clearly. Otherwise you’re just hurting the two of you.
You sound pretty resentful to me, and you’re reacting quite defensively to advice here that you asked for. I wonder if that is as a result of the depression?
I’m still not entirely sure what terrible things he has done. He has commented on your weight, and that made you feel unhappy. But he has stopped doing that, right? To be honest, not doing that anymore is seriously amazing and unexpected. Most people don’t change this kind of behaviour. If this has changed it suggests he was unaware of how it was affecting you, and he really cares about you enough to change things that upset you.
Secondly you are unhappy at a lack of support you felt for your depression, when you supported his physical problems. Again, he seems to have changed. I’d also like to add that being supportive of someone suffering depression is really, really hard.
So, he is being pretty awesome in changing his behaviour, and you? You dutifully take him to appointments, but actually resent doing it. You recoil when he kisses you and then blame him for it. I’ll say this: if you start therapy, be ready for the therapist to say some things that you might not want to hear.
Gracer, I didn’t realize I was coming off as defensive, as I already stated I did take the advice that was given to me; we’re going to start therapy together. I’m frustrated and scared. I am resentful and I don’t want to be. I make no excuses for how I felt/feel. At twenty-two years old was I ready to deal with someone with never ending health issues? No, I was not. I wanted to be out having fun and living my life. Then for this person to turn around and belittle me while taking care of them. I made my choices and it is what it is. I wasn’t “suffering” from my depression when I met him. I was living with it, it was managed. He himself admits to making it a problem for me and only recently has he started acknowledging and supporting my issue.
You’re not quite sure what he did? Maybe the weight thing seems like it isn’t a big deal, but it was. This wasn’t just some off the cuff remark, this was never ending. He drove me to the point of having disordered eating and abusing alcohol. He made me feel worthless and lesser than him because of this. Yes, ultimately these are my choices, but he flicked the switch. I don’t really know how else to explain it any clearer than that.
Three years of dealing with that isn’t just going to go away because he started acting nice in the past couple of months. I’m fully prepared to hear things I don’t want to hear. I don’t lack self-awareness. I know that it’s fully up to me now to get over it, but it’s not that simple for me. I appreciate his efforts greatly, I am glad that he changed, but now I need help in accepting this change. That’s all.
No. I’m sure those people exist. There are worse things then ending a marriage, however. I’d err on the side of resolving it quickly. Most people, in my experience, drag it on because it’s so painful. And, in turn, make it worse.
This makes it clearer for me. His comments on your weight were abusive. The problem comes down to you’re not over his earlier treatment of you, despite it having changed.
I just wanted to make it clear that with therapy it happens often enough that one partner isn’t happy with the direction it takes at first. I can easily see that happening to you, because you’re coming in saying “well he did change, but I’m still not happy”. I understand that you aren’t and of course it’s not a switch you can flip. But just prepare for that reaction, and possibly more focus on your depressive issues (sorry, I didn’t realise “suffering” from depression was a bad thing to say, is that a new thing? or a US thing?) than on the previous abusive treatment of your husband.
Of course, I’ve no way of knowing how it will go. Just prepare for it to not be what you might expect Good luck!
