I'm a newlywed contemplating divorce

[TV_time]

@Left_Hand_of_Dorkness

Do you know anyone who said, “We went through some pretty rough times, but I’m so glad we stayed together”?

My wife and I can say this. Matter of fact we do rather regularly.

My wife has been through some incredible surgeries, including spinal surgery, breast cancer, the chemo involved with that, radiation treatments, ovarian surgery, having her thyroid removed. Then there was the dental problems, and depression. I’ve got to say our senses of humor have carried us a long way. We like to say I have stayed with this because the next step can only be, A. Nothing more can happen or B. I get the life insurance payment.

I didn’t say it was a great sense of humor.

[Rachellelogram]

@gracer

This makes it clearer for me. His comments on your weight were abusive. The problem comes down to you’re not over his earlier treatment of you, despite it having changed.

It’s pretty simple. Either you can forgive him for being an asshole before, in which case you should stay married. Or you can’t forgive him, and you should get divorced.

Therapy can definitely help you (it can help most people), but it sounds like you “keep score” in your relationship in a way that is undesireable in a long-term partner. You’re counting doctor’s visits and how many times he insulted your weight and holding these things against him forever, as if the tally matters. “Through good times and bad times” doesn’t mean you will both have comparable numbers of good and bad events in your lives. The fact that you are so studiously keeping score of his flaws is a poor indicator of future happiness.

And as an aside, why would you EVER marry someone who made fun of you for being too fat? (or whatever he said)

[sisu]

@Left_Hand_of_Dorkness

Do you know anyone who said, “We went through some pretty rough times, but I’m so glad we stayed together”?

of course we all have, I would also put this forward, my mum said that she would have divorced my dad if it had been easier and possible for her in the day but int he end she was glad they stayed together as they became great friends as they moved into their 60’s…

but hey like a bandaid I believe in ripping it off fast and moving on, as I have done…

[VOW]

To the OP:

The advice columnist Ann Landers said it best: Marriage is not a reform school.

I used a variation of this when I talked to each of my children before they got married. I told them, “This is as good as it gets.”

Most people are ooey-gooey crazy in love when they first get married. They expect to share every waking moment together, thinking the same thoughts, breathing the same air, and think that there will be rainbows and birdies and angels singing all the time.

Life isn’t like that.

You find out which one is “clean,” and which one is “dirty,” the anticipated mind-reading talents won’t appear, and there will be burping, farting, and worse.

Reality has a tendency to foster resentment. After being married for a hundred years, I’m TIRED of being the only one in the family who can actually SEE the nastiness that shows up in the bathroom when people use it!

I make jokes to let go of that resentment. My standard joke is that the Y chromosome is a disability. Men simply cannot see the crud that women see.

I’m sure I do a zillion things that irritate the shit out of my husband.

We find that the bigger things we DO agree on mean much more.

But this all takes WORK. It doesn’t happen automatically! And it’s work EVERY SINGLE DAY! Only after MANY YEARS together does the mind reading happen, and even that isn’t completely successful.

Some people reach a point where every single thing they do in a relationship hurts the other one. They will have an impossible time trying to collaborate on a successful marriage. It will take an outside party to let them air their differences, and to learn how to get along, to build instead of tear down. It’s not an easy process, and it does take TIME.

Both people will have to commit to it.

And please be aware that if you do finally decide to call it quits, you’ll need to explore HOW you communicate, and what your expectations are, or you will be fated to repeat the process.
~VOW

[Justin_Bailey]

@gracer

Secondly you are unhappy at a lack of support you felt for your depression, when you supported his physical problems. Again, he seems to have changed. I’d also like to add that being supportive of someone suffering depression is really, really hard.

Seconded. One thing depressed people never seem to realize is that their depression is often REALLY hard on the people around them. That’s no excuse for abuse, but it’s something to keep in mind.

[SerafinaPekala]

@Rachellelogram

It’s pretty simple. Either you can forgive him for being an asshole before, in which case you should stay married. Or you can’t forgive him, and you should get divorced.

Therapy can definitely help you (it can help most people), but it sounds like you “keep score” in your relationship in a way that is undesireable in a long-term partner. You’re counting doctor’s visits and how many times he insulted your weight and holding these things against him forever, as if the tally matters. “Through good times and bad times” doesn’t mean you will both have comparable numbers of good and bad events in your lives. The fact that you are so studiously keeping score of his flaws is a poor indicator of future happiness. <snip>

This was the crux of it for my partner and I. We had to forgive and move on and not keep bashing each other over the head with certain “sledgehammers” of recrimination.

Comes a time when we just had to ask ourselves deep down, “Can I live without this person in my life? Would I be better off with/without him/her?”

We chose not to seek outside counseling.