My dad was, although a complete jerk in many respects, always cool about the “gross puberty stuff”. He was always willing to talk about it in a totally non-embarrassed way, and he made it clear that things like menstruation shouldn’t be considered embarrassing–they were just natural. He was matter-of-fact.
Therefore, when, at the age of 12, I got my period for the first time on a day when my mom wasn’t home, it was OK for me to tell my dad. Awkward, yes, but I didn’t have to feel worried about his reaction. He was cool about it, as I knew he would be. (Though the look on his face was priceless.) He also took my younger sister to her first real gyno appointment at about age 14 when she had such bad cramps she got sick every month.
So I’d urge you to be open about this kind of thing. My dad would discuss it at the dinner table sometimes. Of course my sisters and I were embarrassed by this, but it taught us that things like menstruating and wearing a bra and taking the Pill did not have to be furtively hidden from dad like some dirty little secret.
Trust me–if you act at all embarrassed about this stuff, most girls will become very secretive about The Girly Stuff. Which could be a bad situation, if there’s a situation she really should have adult help with (like my sis and her killer cramps). She’ll pick up a lot of her attitude from you.
You might try checking out one of them “What’s happening to my body?” type books from the library and reading it yourself, just to get an idea of what she’s going through. “Our Bodies, Ourselves” is even more comprehensive, but it deals with all stages of female life. Just don’t let her catch you reading it, whatever you do.
Do your best to keep an open, trusting environment. My parents let me make my own decisions, but they made sure I had enough information to know the consequences of what I did, and when they set rules I thought were unfair, they explained exactly why they did it. (Didn’t stop me from pushing em a bit though).
Oh, in addition to getting “girl supplies” ahead of time, make sure to get a bottle of Midol or Motrin or something. She will appreciate it. And be warned that training bras ITCH LIKE HELL. Damned things are made of sandpaper. So she may want to switch to “real” bras as quickly as possible, if she hasn’t already.
I don’t have any advice, but keep the rest of us posted. My daughter’s nearing eight, and I swear that sometimes the only reason I stay with her mom is so I don’t have to deal with the “female” stuff.
Euty, first I want to send you a big double dose of good wishes.
Second, I want to give you a list of things you need to get hold of asap, just so you have them on hand when she runs out, because there are some things you DO NOT want to run out of with a teenage girl in the house.
~Tampons & pads. Find out if she uses them yet–if not, buy a box of each (Regular size tampons, or a light days size) and tell her to let you know if she wants a different brand. Or hand over a few bucks at WalMart and let her pick them out. If you buy them, buy them at least once a month–you don’t want that box running empty.
~Deodorant. Girly deodorant.
~Hair stuff–again, you need to know what kind of stuff (gel? spray? mousse? special shampoo?) she needs.
~A copy of Your Body, Yourself (is that the name?), or similar book. It will cover EVERYthing, and if she has it in her room, she WILL read it, trust me.
~A journal, if she doesn’t have one already.
~Razors, if she is shaving her legs yet.
Rulewise, sit down as soon as you can and establish some house rules. Write them down if necessary (you can take the blame for needing it in writing so you don’t forget). Cover, at minimum, these subjects: telephone usage, housekeeping/chores, privacy issues (knock first? off-limits areas of the house? etc), allowances/finances, free time (whether dating or going out with friends), and if any of the previous house rules still apply. It will save you a LOT of grief if you can do this before the issues arise, and remember that it will be much easier to make exceptions to the rule at a later date than to try to establish new “don’ts” as you go along.
Remember to breathe. You’re a good person, and you’ll do fine.
Best,
karol
Try and keep your relationship with your ex-wife as amiable as possible. Your daughter’s going through enough on her own right now; she certainly doesn’t need to deal with her parents’ emotional baggage.
Try and let your daughter see her mother as often as she wants/needs to. Kids need both a mom and a dad on a regular basis, even if they aren’t married to each. There will most likely be some yopics she’s more comfortable talking about with your ex-wife than with you. Don’t take this as a slight.
I absolutely agree with SwimmingRiddles about picking your battles. Focus on the important stuff, not messy rooms or music you can’t stand.
Trust your daughter unless she gives you a reason not to. Assume she’s a good kid until she conclusively proves otherwise. Scare stories in the media notwithstanding, most teenagers aren’t beer-swilling, drug-taking, free-loving louts.
astro - Please pay more attention to the posts in the thread, to avoid creating more work for your not-so-friendly moderators.
To set the record straight: the original rules were 8 in number (SEE MY LINK) and some unkown (to me) person decided to throw in some more violent comments to please the red-meat eaters in the American public. But when a moderator removes one link to a page that posts something without acknowledging the copyright, don’t post another similar link! :mad:
Sorry for the additional work. I had always seen the “the rules” before as a 10 item list and assumed, without clicking on your link to the author’s page, that two had simply been left off and that I was helping to improve the accuracy of the citation. Little did I know that the eight item list was the orginal grail and that the last two were the work of people violating the author’s copyright and seeking to pass the work off as their own. I apologize for the oversight and driving you to frowny faced distraction with my crazy making oversight.
Well, we all know what ass-u-me (ing) can do, so I will pay more careful attention the future.
I’m 14, and though I live with both parents, there were times when I had to live with only my Dad for a while. I second everything Daerlyn says (especially the second point) and want to mention that if your daughter’s grades start slipping, please don’t yell and shout before finding out the reason (in my case, the Internet :o) and after discovering the reason, lay down and enforce reasonable rules that will help her get with the program again. Aside from that, pretty much everything I wanted to say has already been said, so I’ll just say “good luck, Euty, you’ll do fine, I’m sure.”
I wouldn’t recommend that book for a young teen, because it’s very dry, techical, and handles all sorts of issues she probably doesn’t need to know about for a long while. (Menopause takes up a big chunk of the book, for example)
I gave my almost-13-year-old the book Changing Bodies, Changing Lives, and I didn’t think she was actually reading it till I found it under her bed. I think of myself as being a pretty open parent who’s easy to talk to, but even if your child feels comfortable talking to you about things, it’s nice for her to have a resource she can consult on her own.
Euty - first of all, good luck to you and your family. Parenting, solo or otherwise, is not for sissies. I echo several others here who say keep up a civil relationship with her mom - you may not be married to her anymore, but you are both still her parents.
My daughter will be 13 in February, so here are my observations - they’re only just getting interested in boys, and trying to juggle the friend/romantic interest thing. My daughter explained to me that right now she would rather have friends who are boys than “boyfriends” and most of her friends are the same way. Only about half her friends have started menstruating, but they do like to talk about it and compare notes. Here’s a bra tip for you - if you notice your daughter wearing her bathing suit top under her clothes, that’s a hint that her bras are too tight.
Set reasonable limits about house rules and be sure to pick your battles wisely. You might tell her that since you two are a team now, you’ve both got to agree on how things are going to run now, and maybe even write it all down like a contract and sign it. Make sure you keep up your end!
Don’t be so scared—you love her and she loves you. Most girls who go out and get in trouble are looking for someone to boost their self-esteem, listen to them and tell them they’re special. With you at home, loving her, proud of her, putting her real needs first, she is far, far less likely to look for some boy to give her affection. At 13, she has most likely bought the bras and pads already. My daughter chose to live 60% of the time with her dad but recently moved in 100% with me. The last straw for my darling was his refusal to go buy her Midol----said she didn’t really hurt that bad, just take aspirin or whatever was in the bathroom cabinet. I told her any man in California who refuses to make a Midol run for a menstruating woman in his household could be kicked in the balls without fear of legal retribution.
When I was 12, and had just gotten my period, I was so embarrassed by it that I didn’t tell either of my parents for two days. When I finally worked up the nerve to mention it to my mother–at bedtime, in whispers, just she and I–what did my dad say the very next day?
“So,” he says, grinning at me, “I hear you’re a woman now!”
I thought I had died and gone to hell.
Moral: If she brings it up, by all means talk to her about it, but don’t EVER feel the need to comment on anything “girly” that is going on in her life. This is a very strange, touchy, hormonally-charged period in a young girl’s life, and she obviously trusts you a lot or she wouldn’t have “picked you” to live with. Don’t give her a reason to doubt you. And don’t ever joke about it, even if you mean well; it’s bad enough having to deal with it without having to deal with your father dealing with it, too.
And by all means, if you can, discuss it with her mother first, to find out where she is on the “puberty scale.” This will help you avoid lots of potential pitfalls.
And remember, just because she’s a teen, doesn’t mean she can’t act like a child sometimes. Dad and I still wrestle and I tickle him and use him as a pillow (I’m 19, he’s…50+).
As a former girl teen who started her period in school, if your daughter hasn’t started already, it might be a good idea to encourage her to keep a maxi-pad in her backpack or purse just in case. (Mine started in the middle of a school program when I was wearing a pair of light-colored pants and it flowed heavily! THANK GOD I had a jacket with me I could wrap around my waist!) Periods are not always heralded with cramping, sometimes they just start. This is also a good thing for her to do as a rule because, until her body establishes a rhythm to her cycle, it could strike at any moment.
Also - if you pick up a box of tampons make sure you get some that come with an applicator. Those are easier to insert correctly until she becomes more familiar with that aspect of her body. If she decides to use pads - you might want to keep some sealable sandwich bags in the bathroom to help her with disposal. She can wrap them in toilet paper then seal them in the bag so noone will be embarrased or icked out. Keeping an electric heating pad on hand might be helpful to her to ease cramps when they start also.
Let your house be the one where everybody hangs out. Make yourself fairly scarce, but pop-up occassionally, not suspiciously, but make it known that you’re still around because she might need your presence (NOT your words) to help if something is getting out of hand. But if they come over and everybody plops down in the room you’re in, don’t run away.
As was mentioned before, you can still be a cool Dad without having to be her buddy*. She can have plenty of friends, she only has one Daddy.
And YES! Touch her! Everybody needs physical contact with another person. ESPECIALLY someone she can trust to not hurt her. Don’t think that just becase she’s “becoming a woman [sub]soon[/sub]” that she ceases to need your affection. How’s she supposed to be comfortable crying on your shoulder if there isn’t much physical contact any other time?
Oh yeah, I almost forgot, when she does start dating - keep the shotgun loaded and feed the dogs bloody meat.
Until she gets the hang of this - plastic applicators would probably be best. In my experience, paper applicators, are more prone to becoming misshapen due to moisture (a problem if she sets one out and then takes a hot shower) or position in a purse or bag. Sometimes you have to dissassemble a paper applicator and insert the tampon manually when this happens, which, as I said before, can be tricky. Plastic applicators are sometimes painful, but if you get the smallest size and advise her to take her time when inserting it, she should be ok.
(Do you know too much about pads and tampons yet? There’s so much more we haven’t told you!)
