I just wanted to add a few things. Make it clear to your daughter, over and over and over again that, should she find herself in a situation where she feels at all uncomfortable (this can apply to being on a date or friends drinking etc…) she can call you no matter what time or where it is and you will pick her up. This also applies if she has driven 200 miles with friends to attend that concert you forbade her to see. Tell her that she will not be subject to any lectures on the ride home, tell her that all you will say at that time is that you are proud of her for calling you. All discussion can wait until the next day after a good nights sleep. Get her a cell phone and make sure she has some money with her when she’s out.
Also, have her sign a contract that she will never, under any circumstances, get into a vehicle with someone who has been drinking.
Amen to what Honey and Daerlyn said! My parents were very clear about those types of things – getting rides, etc. – and I appreciated it. Also, I didn’t have a strict curfew (i.e., it wasn’t always 11:00 no matter what the activity). I told my parents what I was doing and with whom and where, and we worked out a curfew based on that. And if I wanted to stay out later, I could call and we’d go from there. They always explained why if I wasn’t going to be allowed to stay later. Also, my dad didn’t wait up for me, but he would set his alarm for when I was supposed to be home. Our routine was that I would come in (usually on time, or within 5-10 minutes) and open his door and whisper that I was home. If I was more than about 10 minutes late, he would get up – mostly so he wouldn’t fall back asleep. Then I got a stern look and a guilt trip for interrupting his sleep, unless I was REALLY late. But that only happened once.
If your daughter’s a good kid, she’ll probably turn out all right. Trust her until she gives you reason not to. My parents got pretty lucky with me as a teenager – for the most part, I didn’t want to do the things they didn’t want me to do.
Also, about the boys: chances are she’s not interested in sex yet – she prob’ly thinks is really gross. But I had my first kiss at age 13, so the boys that hang around may not all be “just friends.” But if you learn of kisses and holding hands and things like that, don’t freak out – more likely than not, it’s very innocent.
You’ll do great – don’t fear! And you’ve got all of us behind you ready to help.
My daughters aren’t that old yet, but I have hope that I won’t have problems when they reach that age. Why? My wife and I are trying to instill a good sense of openness and self-confidence in them when they are young.(the eldest is six) The way we see the scenario playing out is that they will not be embarassed about telling us about menustration and we can have open conversations about sex and other touchy topics. We’ve already had the birds and bees talk with our six year old and explained quite a bit of stuff with the help of my ancient copy of A Child is Born.
As for guys? A self-confident young woman needs no shepherd to help her stay away from the wolves. She doesn’t harbor delusions they can play upon or insecurities they can pander to(“I’m the only one who loves you” lines fall flat when you know your parents love you and re-inforce it on a daily basis). Teach her to appreciate the physical but to strive for the spiritual/emotional. Teach her not to settle for less, not for your sake, but for her own. If they want her affection it will have to be earned by offering her the things that are most valuable in a interpersonal relationship. Frank, open communication and honest expressions of affection, common interests and intelligence.
In other words, don’t worry about protecting your daughter. Give her the tools she needs to protect herself. Intelligence, a sense of self-worth and a strong belief in her family’s love for her will allow her to deal with “guys” on her own. They also provide a sound framework for riding out the hormone-driven storms of teenage angst. When the mood passes, she’ll still have her intelligence, activities and her family’s love.
As a practical point of advice, read together. You to her and her to you. Each of you should set a time, once a week will be enough, to read together for an hour. This will be her chance to read to you from the latest “girly” magazine(if she chooses) and educate her poor old fuddy-duddy of a dad on the latest in girly trends and what is important to their age group. You can read things like Hamlet to her, especially the scene where Polonious is giving advice to Laertes. “This above all. To thine own self be true. It then follows that you can be false to no man.”
It’s been my experience that many parents give their daughters wings and a head in the clouds, but they forget to give them feet planted solidly on the ground. The ground your daughter needs is assurance of the love of her family and the wisdom of the ages as passed on to her by people such as William Shakespere and S. Morgenstern(The Princess Bride, the book, not the movie), AND(this is important) passed THROUGH her loved ones, and in the context of this thread, that means you.
Good luck to you, and to all of us who have the critical task of raising the next generation of women.
Steven
A book that I glanced at at the library and thought that when my daughter is at that age needing some female guidance was
**The Period Book: Every thing you don’t want to ask but need to know ** by Karen Gravelle & Jennifer Gravelle ($8.95)
You can check it out here which is my favorite source for learning about forgotten or newer kids books that fall under the radar because of TV and Movies. Chinaberry also sells something that may or may not be utilized by a teenage girl. It is called Maiden’s Bracelet
which, in a nutshell, is a bracelet made for a young girl to wear whenever she is having her period, that way it is a silent announcement to those around her that it is “here”. (That’s if the mood swings and doors slamming aren’t a clue enough.
She may have her period, but she may not yet. Mine started when I was thirteen, a week before the eighth grade started. The first time my dad bought me “supplies” I nearly died of embarassment, but he was perfectly matter-of-fact about it, pointing out that he had made similar runs for Mom in the past. I guess it’s part of being a guy in a house with one or more women.
And I wouldn’t wear a bracelet like that now, let alone as a teenager. The only people who need to know I have my period are myself and my SO. If that makes me prudish, then so be it.
You think that bracelet is bad? I saw a thing somewhere that suggested that mother and daughter together make prints by sitting on canvas or paper or something and making a nasty, hairy blood splotch, that they then keep as a “momento”
Hey, I happen to be a 15-year-old girl. Don’t stress too much about this. Yes, we happen to be moody. Yes, we happen to be dealing with raging hormones. And yes, we do happen to frequently engage in screaming matches with our parents. However, much of that happens in short bursts, not periods of long, drawn-out sulleness. Just be pretty understanding of what’s going on in your daughter’s life. For example, my father walked in on me making out the other day. I’m sure he wasn’t too thrilled to see some guy lying on top of his daughter with his tongue in her mouth, but he was cool about it. He simply said “I’m going to pretend I didn’t see that” and the only lecture I got later was that “It’s natural behavior at your age, so long as zippers stay up.” I assured him that zippers will stay up, and I intend to keep that promise. I also intend to act with a bit more restraint in the future. However, if he had exploded and started yelling, I probably would have done something worse in rebellion. Get the idea? And if you have questions about teenage minds, just email me. I’m only a couple of years older than your daughter, I might be able to understand a little better than her dad.
Euty, there’s some great stuff here, but I thought I’d recommend a book for you, instead of your daughter. It’s called Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls and it’s pretty good. It might make you even more fearful, but I think its good to know what the odds are when the stakes are this high.
Oh, and I’d say, she is going to screw up at some point, or perhaps multiple points. Every kid does. That’s part of figuring out the boundaries and the dangers of growing up. I have no doubt that you’ll be able to handle it, though.
Another book that I highly recommend, and it has nothing to do with yucky mood swings and girly stuff is a book called **See Jane Win. The Rimm Report on how 1000 girls became successful ** By Sylvia Rimm.
In a nutshell, a PhD type person interviewed successful women and asked how they were raised figures out the identifying factors that may have helped them become successful. YMMV, but a very interesting read with alot of different voices.
Oh, something that isn’t mentioned yet, that neither of my parents ever mentioned, causing me great grief and pain and unforeseen enexplainable humiliation until I was about 19 and found it out from other sources:
NEVER EVER TAKE ASPIRIN FOR MENSTRUAL CRAMPS.
As a man, you need to make a conscious effort to keep some advil or tylenol in the house, and not just aspirin. Trust me.
And if you want to convence her to go on the pill, attribute the decision to her cramps and not to her potential sexual activity, which she will be in either righteous or duplicitous denial of.
Because it illustrates that she is NOT capable of making a well-thought-out decision, or if capable, then insensible in this instance. “Making out” may be perfectly normal for a fifteen-year-old girl, but doing so where Dad can walk in shows a lack of respect and a lack of discretion, both of which are indicative of an inability to use good judgement. Thus, she is not mature enough to be playing around sexually. In addition, her post shows a lack of remorse for this behavior - even bragging - this may not be the actual case, but that’s how it comes across. And, if she were my daughter, I would take this as proof that she requires stricter supervision. Until I am convinced that my child is capable of making responsible decisions, it is my duty to make those decisions for her.
Fair enough. Your house, your rules. My folks always preferred that I bring guys home. That way they knew where I was and didn’t have to worry about me being in the backseat with some guy they’d never met. YMMV.
