I'm awaiting possible bad news, please distract me

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I read this as “Jesus, red t-shirt, Merrel slip-ons.” Jeans are quite a bit different.

A Joke

A man walks into a bar, and he’s got this little tiny lizard on his shoulder. The bartender is kind of surprised by this, since you don’t see a lizard riding around on a guy’s shoulder every day.

The bartender starts asking the guy questions about the itty-bitty reptile on his shoulder. What’s his favorite food, where does he sleep, what does he like to watch on TV, blah blah blah. Running out of questions, the bartender asks what the lizard’s name is.

“I call him Tiny,” the guy answers.

“That’s not very creative. You shoulda called him Jumbo or something,” the bartender says. “Why do you call him Tiny?”

“Well,” the guy replies, “he’s my newt.”

A Story from Real Life

My mom told me this last month, and I’ve been waiting to read something in the paper about it, but it appears to have gone unreported.

The sister of one of my mom’s coworkers (I know, but I’ve met the coworker) sent her four-year-old son to the Milwaukee Zoo with her neighbors and their five-year-old son. While they were at the zoo, the four-year-old and his backpack (which he is very proud of) disappear for about half an hour. The neighbors are frantic, and the zoo staff is looking for him. In the end, he comes walking up by himself, backpack in tow, looking very smug indeed for having given his chaperones the slip.

The neighbor’s wife scolds him and tells him that he’s been a very naughty boy and that he should never go off on his own like that again.

They leave for home, and for nearly an hour he chants to himself, “Happy Feet, naughty boy, happy feet, naughty boy,” over and over again, while taking little peeks in his backpack. At last, thinking of the two hours of driving ahead of them, the adults tell him he has to be quiet for the rest of the trip, or else. So he’s quiet for the rest of the ride home.

They drop the little boy off at his house, and his mom is quizzing him about the day: did he have a good time, did he see anything interesting at the zoo, the usual questions. She unzips his backpack and discovers something she had not expected to ever see in her kitchen.

HE HAD KIDNAPPED A BABY PENGUIN.

They have no idea how he did it or how he managed to not be caught, but he stole a baby penguin from the Milwaukee Zoo and brought it home in his backpack. They called the zoo, drove the penguin back to Milwaukee, and he is not allowed to steal any more animals from the zoo.

I just can’t believe nobody saw him grab the penguin. How hard is it to say, “Hey, kid, don’t steal the birds.”?

22

:eek: A penguin?!

The story made me laugh, but that one line nearly made me choke!

23

I swear some of those sound like incidents we get at my job (2nd tier IT Help Desk).

24

OK SurrenderDorothy, I’m filling this out just for you. :slight_smile:

“Autobiography”
-Prologue-

  1. WHO took your favorite pic?

Me! Photography is a mini-hobby of mine.

  1. Exactly what are you wearing right now?

Ooh-la-la, I didn’t know this was that type of quiz! Well I’m just wearing my favorite black sweatshirt and green cargo pants.

  1. What is your current problem?

My body. Truly it’s not that bad but I am very self-critical of it and I want to look great naked. (I admit it, I have back hair :eek: )

  1. What makes you most happy?

Music, for sure.

  1. What’s the name of the song that you’re listening to?

Heather Headley - “Fallin’ for You”

  1. Do you like MTV?

When it actually had music videos, I loved it! Nowadays I’d rather watch MTV2 or whichever is the one that plays videos 24/7.

  1. Name something that annoys you about people?

Sloppiness. Of any kind. Can’t stand it. To me neat, clean, precise = respect.

Chapter 1:

  1. Nickname(s)

Used to go by “Mike” but now I prefer “Michael” because it just seems more adult.

  1. eye color?

Brown

  1. hair color?

Brown

Chapter 2:
FAMILY

  1. Do you live with your parent(s)?

Hell no!

  1. Do you get along with your parent(s)?

Sort of. I tolerate them, but try to keep my contact very limited for reasons of my own health and sanity.

  1. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?

They’re still together, and I can’t imagine them ever being any other way. They were made to feed off each other.

  1. Do you have any Siblings?

One younger brother (he’s about 18).

Chapter 3:
FAVORITE

  1. Ice Cream:

Mint Chocolate Chip baby!

  1. season?

Autumn/Fall

  1. book:

Company by Max Barry

  1. Band:

Mary J. Blige (OK, she’s more of a solo artist than a band but I love her dearly)

  1. food:

Anything with shrimp in it!

  1. drink(s) (non alcoholic):

My custom drink, which I call the Michael Palmer (an Arnold Palmer is iced tea and lemonade mixed). Mine is raspberry iced tea mixed with strawberry lemonade.

  1. drink(s) (alcoholic):

Midori Sour, or when I want to get drunker: Tokyo Tea (a Long Island with Midori instead of Coke)

  1. past-time:

Quoting Star Wars and/or Monty Python.

  1. pen color:

Blue. I feel very strongly about blue pens actually. They are still considered profesionally acceptable, yet are considerably less common than the standard black - enough to set you apart a little if you use one.

  1. store:

Best Buy. Some people 'round here seem to hate it, but I don’t know why. It feels pleasantly soothing for me to go in there.

Chapter 4:
DO YOU-

1.Write on your hand?

Once in a while, if I don’t have anything else to write on and need to record some critical info, yeah.

  1. Call people back?

Yes, if I say I will. I hate flakes and I make it a point not to be one.

  1. Believe in love?

Oh God yes. I am very much a romantic.

  1. Sleep on a certain side of the bed?

I sleep on every side of the bed.

  1. Any mental health issues?

Other than being called “weird” a lot, no.

Chapter 5:
Have You…

  1. Broken a bone?

Nope, thankfully.

  1. Had physical therapy?

No.

  1. Gotten surgery?

Yes. You don’t want to know what for.

  1. Taken painkillers?

Yes, and I’m on them right now. Due to the aforementioned surgery. They are nice, nice, drugs.

  1. Have you ever gone scubadiving/snorkeling?

No, but I think it would be fun.

  1. Been stung by a bee?

Yes but I was so young I don’t remember it.

  1. Threw up in a doctors office?

No but once I passed out in a doctor’s office and the paramedics were called. I get very queasy about medical stuff and my mom and doctor were discussing the possibility of me having some type of virus. That word “virus” and the subsequent thoughts it produced were somehow really unsettling for me. They just kept going on and on and would not shut up (it was mostly my mom that has the problem with shutting up) and I eventually just fainted on the spot.

Chapter 6:
Who/what was the last:

  1. Movie you saw in the movie theatres?

Pirates of the Caribbean 3. I loved the first two but was kind of disappointed because A: it was too long and B: I had trouble following the plot.

  1. Person to text you?

I got a weird text message in Spanish the other day telling me someone “wants my leche”. If you don’t speak Spanish consider yourself lucky, I’ll just leave it at that.

  1. Thing you touched?

My keyboard to type this.

  1. Thing you said?

Probably “good night” to my co-workers as I hauled ass out of there.

  1. Person you hugged?

Actually, my boss! I have been away from work for the past week and when I saw her today I hugged her.

  1. Person to call you?

My mom, I’m sure.

  1. Last book you read?

Jennifer Government, by Max Barry.

  1. Place you worked?

Not counting my current job? The last job I had was as a surveyor passing out rider surveys on the L.A. Metrolink trains.

  1. Time you cleaned your room?

Hmm, a couple months ago. Luckily I have a maid coming Thursday.
edited to add: a second survey- this time it’s “one word quiz” - answer each with just one word.

1.where is your cell phone?

Floor

  1. Your hair?

Short

3.your brother?

Drunk

  1. Your father?

Fat

  1. One favorite thing?

Love

7.Your dream car?

Maserati

  1. The room you’re in?

Peaceful

  1. Your ex?

Psycho

  1. Your fear?

Embarrassment

  1. Where were u last night?

Here

  1. What you’re not?

Foolish

  1. Muffins?

Banana

  1. One of your wish list items?

House

  1. Where you grew up?

Suburbs

  1. The last thing you did?

Drive

  1. What are you wearing?

Sweatshirt

  1. Your TV?

Yeah

  1. Your pet or pets?

None

  1. Your computer?

Sweet

  1. Your life?

Delightful

  1. Your mood?

Joyous

  1. Missing someone?

Natalia

  1. Your car?

Fantastic

  1. Your work?

Money

  1. Like someone?

Natalia :o

  1. Your favorite color?

Purple

25

That’s in my Photobucket album (she says modestly). The Doper formerly known as Cateyo sent that – and most of the other stuff in that album – to me one night when he was (very successfully) trying to get me to laugh.

I had that as my wallpaper on my home machine for a long time. One Friday evening at work I was working on my sidekick’s machine – he had gone home and there was some file I needed that he hadn’t put on the server – so I decided to do him a favor and upgrade his wallpaper with it (he has some standard Windows wallpaper, in addition to a standard screensaver… how boring).

Alas, I wasn’t there to see his reaction when he saw it Monday morning – but by the time I got in 15 minutes later, it had already been removed.

Sissy.

26

I hate when people do that! Like if you know anything, you must be obsessed with the subject.

yay!

me too! Only I have this one pen that I’m not sure where it came from, but the ink is juuuust blue enough to be allowed in school, but purple enough to be awesome. It’s dying though, and I’m so very sad about it :frowning:

jsgoddess, I hope everything is okay

27
  1. WHO took your favorite pic?

I did; it’s a picture of my wife and my daughter at a Blue Jays game, very close in on their faces. It’s a near-perfect picture of a mommy and her baby. Multiple copies of it adorn my office.

  1. Exactly what are you wearing right now?

A Top-flite brand golf shirt with blue stripes, khakis, and black socks.

  1. What is your current problem?

I have a really bad cold and a meeting at 10 AM.

  1. What makes you most happy?

My daughter’s laughter.

  1. What’s the name of the song that you’re listening to?

“Bobcaygeon”

  1. Do you like MTV?

No.

  1. Name something that annoys you about people?

Tardiness.

Chapter 1:

  1. Nickname(s)

“Joker,” “Rickster.”

  1. eye color?

Blue

  1. hair color?

Dark brown

Chapter 2:
FAMILY

  1. Do you live with your parent(s)?

Jesus Christ, no.

  1. Do you get along with your parent(s)?

Yes, although as they age and get dafter I find them more annoying. I’m trying to get over that, because of course I’ll regret it when they’re gone. They adore their granddaughter, though, and it’s a joy to watch them together.

  1. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?

Married.

  1. Do you have any Siblings?

CarlyJay

Chapter 3:
FAVORITE

  1. Ice Cream:

Butterscotch ripple

  1. season?

Baseball season

  1. book:

“Shogun,” James Clavell

  1. Band:

The Tragically Hip, up to 1998.

  1. food:

Prime rib au jus

  1. drink(s) (non alcoholic):

Coke, which I avoid

  1. drink(s) (alcoholic):

Stella Artois. Don’t drink wine or spirits.

  1. past-time:

Baseball-related things

  1. pen color:

In my job I do ISO 9001 audits, and we write our notes on tablets. I like setting my pen color to a deep indigo; it’s dark enough to be readable but distinct from the black text of the audit form.

  1. store:

Best Buy or Future Shop

Chapter 4:
DO YOU-

1.Write on your hand?

No

  1. Call people back?

Usually.

  1. Believe in love?

Unreservedly.

  1. Sleep on a certain side of the bed?

On the right side at home, on the left side when I’m travelling on business. I don’t know why.

  1. Any mental health issues?

No.

Chapter 5:
Have You…

  1. Broken a bone?

Yes. I broke my left arm very badly when I was five years old.

  1. Had physical therapy?

Just minor work done on my left wrist/hand when I was in the Army.

  1. Gotten surgery?

No real surgery. Wisdom teeth don’t count, IMO.

  1. Taken painkillers?

Gosh, yeah.

  1. Have you ever gone scubadiving/snorkeling?

No.

  1. Been stung by a bee?

A wasp, not a bee.

  1. Threw up in a doctors office?

No. In fact, I don’t throw up at all. I’m sure I barfed when I was a baby but I have never vomited within the limits of my memory.

Chapter 6:
Who/what was the last:

  1. Movie you saw in the movie theatres?

“Ocean’s 13”

  1. Person to text you?

My wife

  1. Thing you touched?

This keyboard. :slight_smile:

  1. Thing you said?

“Thanks.”

  1. Person you hugged?

My little girl

  1. Person to call you?

Hmmm… who called me last yesterday? Ah, a consultant working with one of my customers.

  1. Last book you read?

“The Dictators,” Richard Overy

  1. Place you worked?

Canadian Welding Bureau

  1. Time you cleaned your room?

My wife usually does the bedrooms.

edited to add: a second survey- this time it’s “one word quiz” - answer each with just one word.

1.where is your cell phone?

Car

  1. Your hair?

Head

3.your brother?

None

  1. Your father?

Kingston

  1. One favorite thing?

Daycare

7.Your dream car?

Dreams

  1. The room you’re in?

Burlington

  1. Your ex?

Ew.

  1. Your fear?

Brain!

  1. Where were u last night?

Home

  1. What you’re not?

Evil

  1. Muffins?

Bleah.

  1. One of your wish list items?

Vacation

  1. Where you grew up?

Kingston

  1. The last thing you did?

Coffee

  1. What are you wearing?

Clothes

  1. Your TV?

RCA

  1. Your pet or pets?

Cats

  1. Your computer?

New

  1. Your life?

Happy

  1. Your mood?

Sick

  1. Missing someone?

No

  1. Your car?

Hyundai

  1. Your work?

New

  1. Like someone?

Yep!

  1. Your favorite color?[

Gold

28

Thank you all for the distractions.

My “waiting for bad news” sort’ve turned into “waiting for any news.” I’m a bit in limbo right now.

29

{{{jsgoddess}}} Hang in there.

30

“Autobiography”
-Prologue-

  1. WHO took your favorite pic?
    Do I have a favourite pic? Don’t think I do.

  2. Exactly what are you wearing right now?
    Black shoes that I don’t like but hold up darn good to rainy weather, black knee-high sheers, black jeans, white panties, a long-sleeved shirt with black lines, a white bra and my headphones.

  3. What is your current problem?
    I’d like to toss Switzerland into the sea, which is probably illegal. Not to mention the world’s economic powers would probably get angry.

  4. What makes you most happy?
    Getting things right. Sharing those moments with others.

  5. What’s the name of the song that you’re listening to?
    El espacio, by Café Tacuba, live.

  6. Do you like MTV?
    Depends on whether I understand the rest of the channels or not. If it’s the only thing I understand, I’ll take it.

  7. Name something that annoys you about people?
    When they prefer to believe an expert(?) they don’t know over one they do know. Or when they tell someone that they’re wrong about something in which the someone is an expert (say, people telling my accountant-brother that he’s got a point wrong about taxation law… which he can quote verbatim not just for this year’s edition but also tell you each individual change for the last five years).

Chapter 1:

  1. Nickname(s)
    Well, the US guv’mint says I have about 20 known aliases. The Spanish guv’mint says I have one name, no known aliases. The form of my name I normally use is an abbreviation but not really a nickname.

  2. eye color?
    brown

  3. hair color?
    brown

Chapter 2:
FAMILY

  1. Do you live with your parent(s)?
    no

  2. Do you get along with your parent(s)?
    Well, I get better with Dad since he died… define get along. I’m Mom’s primary caretaker but being with her for more than five days drives me up the walls and through the ceiling.

  3. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
    Dad’s dead and Mom’s a widow. So not separated but not living together, no, unless there’s something Mom forgot to tell me…

  4. Do you have any Siblings?
    Two brothers, 6 and 8 years younger than me.

Chapter 3:
FAVORITE

  1. Ice Cream:
    One scoop raspberry, one scoop lemon and I’m in Heaven.

  2. season?
    Any when the sun’s shining.

  3. book:
    Right now, a Moorcock compilation, “The History of the Runestaff.”

  4. Band:
    Loquillo y los Trogloditas.

  5. food:
    Pasta, pescado y pollo. Haven’t found a dish including my three ps all together yet (pasta, fish and chicken).

  6. drink(s) (non alcoholic):
    water

  7. drink(s) (alcoholic):
    almost never, no. But when I do, it’s usually a local beer.

  8. past-time:
    No, obsession. WoSW.

  9. pen color:
    So long as it doesn’t smell, any.

  10. store:
    any with electronic stuff.

Chapter 4:
DO YOU-

1.Write on your hand?
Of course! It’s the only note I never lose.

  1. Call people back?
    Normally, yes. If I have no idea who the heck it is and they didn’t leave a message, then no.

  2. Believe in love?
    Yes, although I find that to be a trick question, like “do you like kids.”

  3. Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
    It’s a twin, no sides.

  4. Any mental health issues?
    I’m an engineer :stuck_out_tongue:

Chapter 5:
Have You…

  1. Broken a bone?
    Nope.

  2. Had physical therapy?
    Nope.

  3. Gotten surgery?
    Tonsils.

  4. Taken painkillers?
    Yes of course, who over age 5 hasn’t?

  5. Have you ever gone scubadiving/snorkeling?
    Yep yep, was one of the neatest things of my time in Florida.

  6. Been stung by a bee?
    Yeees! On my thumb! It hurt a lot!

  7. Threw up in a doctors office?
    No.

Chapter 6:
Who/what was the last:

  1. Movie you saw in the movie theatres?
    … will you believe I can’t remember?

  2. Person to text you?
    My housesitter.

  3. Thing you touched?
    The keyboard, silly!

  4. Thing you said?
    “Thank you.”

  5. Person you hugged?
    Mom.

  6. Person to call you?
    Mom.

  7. Last book you read?
    I don’t remember the name, it’s at home - thing is, I did like it. I’m just lousy at names. It was the last part of a fantasy trilogy, anyway.

  8. Place you worked?
    Eh, I’m at work.

  9. Time you cleaned your room?
    Define clean. It’s got carpet, so I can’t sweep it… but organize stuff above the carpet, this morning.
    edited to add: a second survey- this time it’s “one word quiz” - answer each with just one word.

1.where is your cell phone?
lunchbox

  1. Your hair?
    head

3.your brother?
which?

  1. Your father?
    cementery

  2. One favorite thing?
    light

7.Your dream car?
mine!

  1. The room you’re in?
    ugly

  2. Your ex?
    florida

  3. Your fear?
    mute

  4. Where were u last night?
    in my bed, dreaming ur dreamz

  5. What you’re not?
    tall

  6. Muffins?
    lemon

  7. One of your wish list items?
    boomstick

  8. Where you grew up?
    smalltown

  9. The last thing you did?
    type!

  10. What are you wearing?
    done :stuck_out_tongue:

  11. Your TV?
    flat

  12. Your pet or pets?
    bros

  13. Your computer?
    laptop

  14. Your life?
    complicated

  15. Your mood?
    sleepy

  16. Missing someone?
    friends

  17. Your car?
    small

  18. Your work?
    ugh

  19. Like someone?
    unique

  20. Your favorite color?
    red

31

News of the Weird

32

Posting to
[ul]
[li]subscribe[/li][li]ask if any news[/li][li]point to this thread which has links to lots of funny old threads including ones which make me wheeze and cry with laughter: [/li][/ul]

33

Buster the kitty wants to give you a hug.

34

Don’t know if you will like this, but IT calls always make me laugh.

Sgt Schwartz

35

Well, to update slightly:

First, my husband has a heart problem, so minor illnesses can become a bigger deal.

He’s in Canada. He fell ill on Monday, with a high fever, chills, aches, etc.

Better on Tuesday morning, then much worse last night. He went to a wedding on Saturday and it turns out that he and five other people at the wedding have all fallen ill with… something.

But the big news for me is that he hasn’t been hospitalized.

36

Good news! Thanks for the update.

37

Great news jsgoddess! BTW, thanks for an entertaining thread. Just another reason why The Dope is such a great place to be… Dopers entertainin’ dopers… it just does not get any better! :smiley:

Anywho, if you’ve never done it, check out Cats That Look Like Hitler.

38

Good news! Sending supporting thoughts your way.

39

Yay! And to continue to distract you until you get GOOD news:

“Autobiography”
-Prologue-

  1. WHO took your favorite pic?
    Me. Always me. I love photography, especially nature photography.

  2. Exactly what are you wearing right now?
    Jeans shorts and a camo tank top with Las Vegas across my boobs.

  3. What is your current problem?
    Back pain and a happy Captain Morgan buzz.

  4. What makes you most happy?
    My husband and cats.

  5. What’s the name of the song that you’re listening to?
    Not. The tv is on as usual.

  6. Do you like MTV?
    uh-uh.

  7. Name something that annoys you about people?
    They won’t shut the hell up.

Chapter 1:

  1. Nickname(s)
    R^2 (both first and last name start with “r”)

  2. eye color?
    blue-ish turquoisy color

  3. hair color?
    currently red :smiley:

Chapter 2:
FAMILY

  1. Do you live with your parent(s)?
    not for many years

  2. Do you get along with your parent(s)?
    yup

  3. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
    divorced

  4. Do you have any Siblings?
    yep, one real brother, 2 step-brothers, 4 step-sisters and an adopted sister

Chapter 3:
FAVORITE

  1. Ice Cream:
    chocolate, duh.

  2. season?
    fall

  3. book:
    LOTR

  4. Band:
    The Police

  5. food:
    chocolate, duh.

  6. drink(s) (non alcoholic):
    coke zero

  7. drink(s) (alcoholic):
    margaritas or beer

  8. past-time:
    reading, photography

  9. pen color:
    pink

  10. store:
    wal-mart (sorry)

Chapter 4:
DO YOU-

1.Write on your hand?
no

  1. Call people back?
    only if I can’t avoid it

  2. Believe in love?
    yup

  3. Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
    right

  4. Any mental health issues?
    anxiety

Chapter 5:
Have You…

  1. Broken a bone?
    nope

  2. Had physical therapy?
    nope

  3. Gotten surgery?
    yup, hysterectomy. Yay!

  4. Taken painkillers?
    only briefly, after the hysterectomy

  5. Have you ever gone scubadiving/snorkeling?
    nope

  6. Been stung by a bee?
    yup

  7. Threw up in a doctors office?
    nope

Chapter 6:
Who/what was the last:

  1. Movie you saw in the movie theatres?
    Open Season

  2. Person to text you?
    don’t do text

  3. Thing you touched?
    laptop

  4. Thing you said?
    I don’t remember…

  5. Person you hugged?
    husband (or Jasmine, if you count animals)

  6. Person to call you?
    Tricia

  7. Last book you read?
    Pratchett’s Carpe Jugulum

  8. Place you worked?
    Still work there…

  9. Time you cleaned your room?
    This past weekend
    edited to add: a second survey- this time it’s “one word quiz” - answer each with just one word.

1.where is your cell phone?
couch

  1. Your hair?
    bad

3.your brother?
sweet

  1. Your father?
    silent (hasn’t called to wish my happy birthday yet)

  2. One favorite thing?
    camera

7.Your dream car?
mine!

  1. The room you’re in?
    living

  2. Your ex?
    who?

  3. Your fear?
    claustrophobia

  4. Where were u last night?
    home

  5. What you’re not?
    sober

  6. Muffins?
    nuh

  7. One of your wish list items?
    camera!

  8. Where you grew up?
    here

  9. The last thing you did?
    ate

  10. What are you wearing?
    clothes

  11. Your TV?
    on

  12. Your pet or pets?
    outside

  13. Your computer?
    laptop

  14. Your life?
    good

  15. Your mood?
    wheee!

  16. Missing someone?
    nope

  17. Your car?
    garage

  18. Your work?
    okay

  19. Like someone?
    yep

  20. Your favorite color?
    blue

40

Well, it’s good news/bad news. He’s in the hospital, but it’s in the States so I don’t have to try to figure out the insurance situation.

Thanks, everyone, for the good wishes.