My husband may be hospitalized tonight and he’s in another country. I’m waiting for a phone call.
I’d appreciate being distracted. Jokes, links, stupid cat pictures, anything.
Please.
I think these are hilarious. Will look for other stuff.
Have you seen the baby karateka?
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale,he buys them and wears them home. Walking proudly, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?” Margaret looks him over, “Nope.” :dubious:
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?” Margaret looks up and says, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.” Furious, Bert yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?” “Nope,” she replies. “IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!” Margaret replies… "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought a hat.
http://www.icanhascheezburger.com … “lolcats” … for all your stupid cat picture needs
http://www.cuteoverload.com … pretty obvious
http://www.popcap.com for games (zuma could last you for hours)
http://www.isketch.net is an interactive pictionary game… lots of fun there too
quizzes:
visual DNA <– that one’s pretty cool and different.
Well, I don’t have any pictures, but let me tell you about what my cats are up to- you can close your eyes and picture it all in super-special jsgodess-vision.
I have two kitties- Shimi and Fig. Fig is 10 years old and your standard* black and brown tabby with white feet and a splotch on his face that runs into a white dicky-collar. He is the sweetest, most bumming-around cat I’ve ever known. He just flops, you know? Flops and purrs. Shimi is 4 and a total prima donna (read: bitch). She is white with big gray patches on her face, back and tail. She grooms obsessively, and my new roomate got it in one when he said the other week that “she makes you feel like you should be grateful to get to pet her.” Totally true, and it works!
They are both a bit overweight from apartment living with two (now three) overly indulgent humanoids (dare I mention that said humanoids can’t exactly feel their own ribs clearly either?**), so I’ve been trying to come up with things that can entertain them while we’re away from the house that don’t involve grazing at the food bowl.
I can’t keep cut flowers in the house, because Shimi is a plant-eating fiend. She ate my old roomate’s IKEA bamboo, and she ate all the herbs I was growing in a big pot in the windowsill last summer. I even had them encased in a screen, but she’s too tough for me- I gave up and let her have them. I have a ‘darling’ video of her chomping down the leaves of some lovely tulips that I got from an aunt in January, and all of my graduation flowers had to be isolated on a 6-foot bookcase, surrounded by other stuff so she had no where to perch to get them.
A posible solution to both these issues came from my boyfriend browsing in the cat toys while I bought litter last month- Catgrass! They sell it in a little bag with instructions to grow it in the bag and give it to kitty as a salad, but when I got home, I realized that I still had a pot of dirt in the nice sunny windowsill, so I just opened the catgrass bag and dumped the seed and vermiculite mix into the soil in the pot, mixed and watered. Within 3 days, I had a nice little circle of lawn in the living room. Quite awesome, and Shimi took to it immediately. I have to rotate it every few days to keep the “mowed” parts spread out, but it is certainly fun to watch the little princess sit there all prim and sly, munching away. I’m sure she thinks she’s really pulling one over on us as usual. Fig took a little longer to get into it, as he is very easygoing and doesn’t like to try to take things from the Shimi. After he figured it out, though, he’s in there several times a day, too.
I like to pet the grass sometimes, and if I trim it with scissors, the living room smells like a fresh-mowed lawn. I feel like I got a pet for the kittys. Something new happened last Thursday- we were watching TV and I noticed that the center of the grass was sort of mashed down. My boyfriend thought I had done it, and the roomate denied it as well. We kept an eye out, and later saw Shimi crouching in the grass- she could only get the front of her body in there, but she was like a big savannah cat , hiding in the tall plants and waiting for her next victim. Hilarious.
Sorry no pictures, but thinking about the cats and their pet grass is what keeps me distracted through the long days.
*this is what I think of as a “standard” cat. here is a random image culled from google that illustrates this type of cat. My first ever cat when I was tiny, who lived until I was 19, was this kind. What do you think of when someome says “just a standard cat?”
**That’s what the handout on cat obesity that we got from the vet said was a warning sign- if you can’t feel kitty’s ribs, they may be too fat. I hadn’t ever thought about it, but it makes sense- cats should be pretty lean.
A man walks into a bar on Superbowl Sunday, and realises it’s empty. Seeing the bartender, he asks where everyone is; the bartender replies that his fancy new widescreen TV has broken, and so everyone’s moved to a bar down the street. Since our man isn’t a big football fan (and he really doesn’t want to be stuck in a bar with crowds of them) he decides to have a quiet drink there. The bartender heads round back to get him his beer, and the man sits at a table, alone in the room.
Suddenly, a voice. “You’re a very handsome man, you know that?” He looks around; no one’s entered the bar. The bartender doesn’t seem to be there. It must just have been his imagination. He grabs a newspaper and settles down again.
Then again. “You’re wearing a very nice suit!”. The man is certain he’s heard a voice this time. But no; there’s no people in the bar. He stands up to get a better look - but no one’s in sight. He’s slightly unnerved now - after all, the voice may be being nice, but it’s still coming from nowhere! He decides to sit and wait and see if he hears it again.
“I bet you’re a really nice guy, too!” The man stands bolt upright. There must be someone in the bar. He goes around to check; nope, no one hidden by a wall. There’s no one by the windows. Just as he’s about to leave, the bartender returns with his drink, and notices the man’s jitters.
“Anything wrong?”
“Well, yes, actually… it probably sounds silly, but I keep hearing this voice saying nice things about me… but there’s no one in here!”
“Ahhhh!” The bartender taps his nose. “I get this a lot. Not to worry; it’s just those.” He gestures to a bowl on the table.
“…What?”
“It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”
a myspacey survey of the sort that is more fun to fill out than it is to read, but if you fill it out, I’ll read it.
“Autobiography”
-Prologue-
- WHO took your favorite pic?
- Exactly what are you wearing right now?
- What is your current problem?
- What makes you most happy?
- What’s the name of the song that you’re listening to?
- Do you like MTV?
- Name something that annoys you about people?
Chapter 1:
- Nickname(s)
- eye color?
- hair color?
Chapter 2:
FAMILY
- Do you live with your parent(s)?
- Do you get along with your parent(s)?
- Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
- Do you have any Siblings?
Chapter 3:
FAVORITE
- Ice Cream:
- season?
- book:
- Band:
- food:
- drink(s) (non alcoholic):
- drink(s) (alcoholic):
- past-time:
- pen color:
- store:
Chapter 4:
DO YOU-
1.Write on your hand?
2. Call people back?
3. Believe in love?
4. Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
5. Any mental health issues?
Chapter 5:
Have You…
- Broken a bone?
- Had physical therapy?
- Gotten surgery?
- Taken painkillers?
- Have you ever gone scubadiving/snorkeling?
- Been stung by a bee?
- Threw up in a doctors office?
Chapter 6:
Who/what was the last:
- Movie you saw in the movie theatres?
- Person to text you?
- Thing you touched?
- Thing you said?
- Person you hugged?
- Person to call you?
- Last book you read?
- Place you worked?
- Time you cleaned your room?
edited to add: a second survey- this time it’s “one word quiz” - answer each with just one word.
1.where is your cell phone?
2. Your hair?
3.your brother?
4. Your father?
5. One favorite thing?
7.Your dream car?
8. The room you’re in?
9. Your ex?
10. Your fear?
14. Where were u last night?
15. What you’re not?
16. Muffins?
17. One of your wish list items?
18. Where you grew up?
19. The last thing you did?
20. What are you wearing?
21. Your TV?
22. Your pet or pets?
23. Your computer?
24. Your life?
25. Your mood?
26. Missing someone?
27. Your car?
28. Your work?
31. Like someone?
32. Your favorite color?
Oh my. The jokes are pretty bad, but making me laugh.
The links have all been great. I think my favorite picture so far is the emu staring at the camera, but I can’t remember which site it was. The memory goes so quickly at my age.
- WHO took your favorite pic?
My husband took a picture I used for the front of my book. I love it.
2. Exactly what are you wearing right now?
Jeans, red t-shirt, Merrell slip-ons.
3. What is your current problem?
Waiting for a phone call.
4. What makes you most happy?
Snuggling with my husband while watching baseball.
5. What’s the name of the song that you’re listening to?
Not listening to anything. Watching baseball.
6. Do you like MTV?
No.
7. Name something that annoys you about people?
When they think that if you know any details about anything that you should “get a life.”
- Nickname(s)
Jules
2. eye color?
Hazel
3. hair color?
Brown
Chapter 2:
FAMILY
- Do you live with your parent(s)?
No! Ack.
2. Do you get along with your parent(s)?
Yes.
3. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
My mother is widowed.
4. Do you have any Siblings?
Five of 'em.
I’m the youngest.
FAVORITE
- Ice Cream:
Pistachio
2. season?
Spring
3. book:
Too many to list.
4. Band:
Urk. Counting Crows
5. food:
cauliflower
6. drink(s) (non alcoholic):
Diet Coke
7. drink(s) (alcoholic):
amaretto sour
8. past-time:
reading
9. pen color:
black
10. store:
Barnes and Noble
Chapter 4:
DO YOU-
1.Write on your hand?
Not usually.
2. Call people back?
Er. Only at work.
3. Believe in love?
Yes.
4. Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
Usually the left side.
5. Any mental health issues?
Depression, especially now.
- Broken a bone?
Collarbone and kneecap.
3. Had physical therapy?
No.
4. Gotten surgery?
No.
5. Taken painkillers?
Tylenol 3 is the strongest. It made me barf.
6. Have you ever gone scubadiving/snorkeling?
Both.
7. Been stung by a bee?
Nope. Wasps, though.
8. Threw up in a doctors office?
Nope. Passed out, though, when my brother was getting stitches in his knee.
- Movie you saw in the movie theatres?
Spider-Man 3 I think.
2. Person to text you?
My friend Gabriel.
3. Thing you touched?
The keyboard
5. Thing you said?
“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.”
7. Person you hugged?
My brother Tony.
10. Person to call you?
My husband.
11. Last book you read?
The most recently finished was The Stone of Farewell* by Tad Williams.
12. Place you worked?
Fiberglass plant. In sales.
13. Time you cleaned your room?
Two weeks ago.
edited to add: a second survey- this time it’s “one word quiz” - answer each with just one word.
1.where is your cell phone?
Here.
2. Your hair?
Shaggy
3.your brother?
three
4. Your father?
gone
5. One favorite thing?
books
7.Your dream car?
Jeep
8. The room you’re in?
den
9. Your ex?
Tom
10. Your fear?
death
14. Where were u last night?
home
15. What you’re not?
calm
16. Muffins?
English
17. One of your wish list items?
gutters
18. Where you grew up?
Ohio
19. The last thing you did?
cried
20. What are you wearing?
t-shirt, jeans, Merrells
21. Your TV?
JVC
22. Your pet or pets?
cats!
23. Your computer?
Emachine
24. Your life?
stressed
25. Your mood?
sad
26. Missing someone?
yes
27. Your car?
blue
28. Your work?
blue
31. Like someone?
yes
32. Your favorite color?
Red. Ha! You thought I’d say blue. 
I especially like “Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.”
Someone was just a wee bit of a smart ass.
Mackerel tabby, like your picture. 
I should get some cat grass for my beasts.
213 Things Skippy is no longer allowed to do
Old favourite: Computer Stupidities
Hope things turn out ok for you and your husband.
Check this guy out:
Hilarity!
Which reminds me of a website I haven’t thought of in years, but is apparently still active:
Sounds like a job for Confuse-a-cat
The “motherly love” one is…interesting.
Skippy is one freaky dude. I like him.
ETA: I only got 80% weird on the Weirdness test. I think Skippy can beat that.