Pretty much, yes. Because it’s THEIR HOUSE and you’re a guest. So if that’s how they want it, that’s how it’s going to be. Yes, it sucks. You have another option, which has been pointed out a time or two in the thread.
Right, so this thread is pretty fucking pointless.
Hummm - I’m about 99% sure that the reason your step-mom is being such a beyotch (and yes, I do think the note leaving, no eating in your room even though you’re a rent paying adult is bitchy) is because she wants you out of her house. If was probably an issue, not of your making, before you even moved in. If your dad steamrolled your wishes about moving in I could totally see him steamrolling hers as well.
Sadly, I don’t expect things will improve much as long as you live there. You should stash every extra cent you have and find somewhere else to live. Do you have some buddies you could get a place with? That makes rent more manageable and in my experience young guys aren’t quite as fussed about keeping the place perfectly clean (if my 23 year old bil is any indication.)
You can complain all you want; if you want it fixed though, your solution is to get your own place. It has only been a week at your new job, understood. That just means you’ll have to suck it up until you get a little bit further ahead financially.
We are sympathetic to what a pain in the ass it is to live with people like your father and step-mom, Ryan. I think what most of us are basically saying is that your situation is no different from any other young adult who is chafing under parental rules (and hence the young adults moving out on their own - if the nest stays cozy and comfy, who would ever leave it?).
Ryan, it’s clear you’re never going to have an equal relationship with them as long as you’re living in their house. Move out, get your own place to live, and then see if you can establish a relationship with your father and/or stepmother as one self-supporting adult to another.
Well, this is the Dope. If the collective “we” think you’re wrong, we’re not going to sit by and nod in agreement to your wrongness. We’re going to tell you that we think you’re wrong (sometimes more politely than others) and we’re going to tell you why.
It seems that a good percentage of people in this thread think you’re off-base and have pointed out some practical suggestions. Which doesn’t seem terribly pointless to me, unless you were just looking to have your hand held in sympathy.
I’m making an assumption here, but it is probable that the house belongs to both the father and stepmother. The father has offered (according to the o.p., insisted) to provide housing under what appears to be an equitable agreement. It is unclear whether this was done in prior agreement with his wife, or he initiated this offer without explicit agreement, but if the o.p.'s description of the situation can be taken as essentially truthful, then it is clear that he’s in the middle of a disagreement about the use of common property. The default assumption of many seems to be that the stepmother must be a reasonable and mature person who is being dismissed and slighted by the o.p., but reasonable and mature people don’t communicate by Post-It notes on the wall and slamming doors, and if it is the case (as some have asserted) that the reason she is forced into behaving this way is because the o.p is being petulant and unwilling to engage in a relationship with the stepmother, then a reasonable course of action would be to get the authoritative father to have everyone sit down and discuss the problems over the kitchen table. The o.p. clearly has his own set of issues with assertiveness and dealing appropriately with conflict, but laying all of this at the feet of the o.p. in the form of “My house, my rules,” ignores that rules have to apply to all parties equally; if the stepmother is moving expectations just to give herself the excuse to throw a fit, she’s being an unreasonable ballbuster.
As alice_in_wonderland states, this is more likely the stepmother either not having consented to this arrangement in the first place, or agreed under duress and is now making the situation as unpleasant as possible in hopes of getting the o.p. to move out, although we shouldn’t discount the case that she also may just like making people miserable for grins and giggles, a characteristic not unknown to the chronically passive aggressive. My father’s wife acted in a manner very close to that described by the o.p. (including Post-Its, slamming doors, and making it uncomfortable to be around my father and her) and after several years of having to tip-toe around her and show deference to her every whim (which included having to bring my own towel and soap when I spent a weekend, having to be in bed by 10pm and up by 6am so I didn’t disrupt her busy schedule of watching TV and complaining about her mostly fictitious ailments, et cetera) and a short stint of living with them when the other parental unit went completely off the deep end, I finally discovered that if I just completely failed to acknowledge her in any way, limited discussion about her to non-committal responses to my father, and otherwise made no effort to engage in any kind of relationship with her, everything else went much more smoothly, at least as well as possible given a father who regularly admitted to not wanting children and did the bare minimum as a parent. Of course, this also meant moving out on my own when I was sixteen, being restricted from contact with my grandmother while she was in the terminal stage of intestinal cancer, and basically not having any kind of family to fall back upon.
[quote=“Shodan, post:28, topic:560442”]
[ol][li]Move out. []Thank them politely for taking you in when you needed it.[]Make no mention of your feelings, how you have been treated, or anything negative.[/ol]The realization that you can’t change your parents is part of the process of growing up.[/li][/QUOTE]
This is probably the smartest thing said in this thread so far. Whether the o.p. is right or wrong, his ability to influence and improve the situation as it stands is negligible. Moving out and at least gaining control over his own living situation is the first step to creating some healthy boundaries that don’t exist in his current circumstance.
Stranger
Just remember even her own SON lives with his grandparents just around the corner from where I live.
See strangers post. Thank you.
Sorry, but this is all bullshit. Of course he would take no for an answer if you didn’t want to go. No one, even your father, can force you to move in with him if you don’t want to. You’re making excuses, and frankly, it doesn’t set you up for a very good relationship with him as a live in tenant. Your step-mom certainly can see this and acts accordingly.
Then you should never have moved in but that ship has sailed. And now that you have a job and are going to move out as soon as possible, just suck it up for a while, follow the house rules, and survive. It’ll be over soon and the less conflict you have during your hopefully brief stay, the better.
He posted that he does already pay Rent.
You might want to ask a mod to fix this for you: you misspelt “Validate me”.
I know exactly how you feel about the situation and believe me, I’m full of sympathy for you. It sucks, it sucks that you’re living it at the moment and I really hope you can turn it around soon and move on with a better phase of your life. All the best to you, honestly, and I look forward to the thread in six months time about how much happier you are…
BUT!
as an outsider looking in, I don’t think the posters who’ve basically told you to suck it up are off base. Clearly this situation isn’t comfortable for anyone, including stepmom, and while her passive-agressive shit isn’t the “right” way for her to react, she’s entitled to her feelings too. It IS her (their) house, it IS her (their) rules and I don’t think I need to mention the solution for the thousandth time in the thread. Now that you have a job, moving out is actually going to open up as an option for you, so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Focus on that!
In summary: put me down as not believing you’re as wronged as you think you are, but that nevertheless I feel for you and hope it resolves soon.
I don’t accept this “my house, my rules” nonsense. Ownership or landlord/tenant or parent/child status issues don’t change the fact that all adults should be treated as autonomous individuals. If you accept an adult into your home, regardless of your relationship with that adult, he or she should be allowed to make choices about how he or she will live. Other than things that are illegal or morally controversial, a person should be able to freely make ordinary, mundane decisions, such as not participating in eating/entertainment activities, no matter whose nose is put out of joint.
Someone who agrees to allow another adult to move in has the responsibility as a human being to treat that person as an autonomous individual and not dick them around with high-handed, tyrannical attitude. Just because you have the legal right as the homeowner to act like a prick doesn’t make it acceptable as a human being for you to do so.
I think I must be the only person who read the OP and said, “Oh, I know exactly what that boy must be going through” and felt bad for him. The woman my ex-husband married was a controlling neat-freak who hated the existence of my children,and did her best to make them feel miserable while being fake-friendly when others were around. She had my ex so wrapped around her finger that he would do nothing to defend his kids, and ended up being alienated from them to this day. She set impossible standards for him, and would expect him to read her mind correctly or suffer the slammed doors and banging dishes and stony silence…the most outrageous example being the $600 date he planned that didn’t match the picture she had in her head,but that’s for another thread.
Anyhow, her own kids did not want to spend time with her, lived a few blocks away with their dad and told my kids not to feel bad, because they hated her, too. If my kids had ever had to spend anytime in that house, they would certainly have been treated like the OP.
Some people are just toxic, and I think your dad married a woman who controls him a great deal. It’s her way,or she will make his life miserable. I’m amazed he actually convinced her to allow you to move in. Even if you do wipe down the shower each time, it won’t be the “right” way. Ever.
I hope you will be able to move out soon. What happened to your old place…did you just leave everything there on an hour’s notice?
I sympathize with him and I’m sure many other people do too. If the situation were slightly different and it was his house and his father and his stepmother were acting like this, I’d be saying that they should move out. This appears to be a situation where some people who aren’t compatible are living in the same house. The solution shouldn’t be one side wins and the other side knuckles under - the solution is two seperate but equal households.
Well, I do think they are being somewhat annoying about all this. Passive-aggressive notes aren’t cool - you’re both grown-ups, even if stepmom doesn’t like you she should be able to address these problems directly, by speaking with you about it.
But speaking as persnickety loner who REALLY hates living with other people; I think the best way to live peacefully with others is to leave everything exactly as it was before you used it. That means if you schmear up the kitchen counter - wipe it clean before you leave the room. If they spray their shower down every time they use it - do the same. This is just common courtesy, and if that’s the main cause of the friction between you, why not comply with their ‘rules’? I understand some people are cleaner than others, but in their home I think their level of cleanliness should be respected and maintained by you.
When you invite someone to come live with you it is also his home; it’s no longer just yours.
b…i…n…g…o…
Nobody is saying your stepmom and/or your dad are wonderful individuals, stellar examples of the best of humanity. They sound to me like they’ve got some serious issues. To be blunt, it sounds like a really horrible living situation for you. No one’s saying it’s not. We’re just saying that you got yourself into this situation, and there’s really only one way out. And it ain’t by complaining.
I went through a similar situation when I was stuck living with my mom. I had dropped out of college due to depression, had shitloads of debt and no savings. I was unemployed for a few months so I was unable to pay rent, due to having a SIGNIFICANTLY negative net worth and no cashflow. I did not have a bedroom there, as she had the entire 2nd floor loft as her “bedroom” and the downstairs bedroom was her computer room. I slept in the living room for nearly a year and had to keep all of my (meager) furniture in my car. I had one small closet in which to put my clothing, and sandwiched my computer desk in a corner of her computer room (did I mention she worked from home and would only leave the house on the weekends?). I was (barely, but surely) willing to put up with her constant irrational shrill demands, and her requirement that a 24 year old adult tell her where I was going and when I would be back every time I planned to leave the house. I put up with her hiding my ethernet cable for a solid month out of pure fucking controlling spite. I put up with all of this bullshit until I finally was able to get a decent fulltime job. She asked me to start contributing to rent. I asked her if the bullshit would stop and I’d be left alone. She said no. I moved out.
My view on the matter is, if you are paying rent, you are treated as a tenant. No questions when or why you come or go (as long as you’re reasonably quiet about it). No expectations of spending “family time” together. The heart of the issue is, you’ve been paying rent and not been granted even BASIC consideration as an adult tenant.
Long story short, good luck on saving up because you need to get out. They aren’t going to change. They may start demanding MORE rent because you have a paycheck now. Get out and never call back. I don’t care if you’re their son or not, you’re not a kid. You’re an adult who had some shitty financial luck for a while. Treating you like you’re 12 is not excusable unless you actually ARE 12. They aren’t affording you decent human respect… fuck 'em both.
Issue hits pretty close to home for me, if you couldn’t tell. 
But happy ending, I’m renting a room in a house now and nobody gives two shits when or where I go. Independence is fucking awesome. Even if I do hate my job most of the time, it’s five thousand fabulous times better than living with that bitch.