I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC.

Why don’t you have a seat over there?

I knew it was you. I knew it.

I…uhhh…think I have the wrong house.

Really, the beer was just for me. I wasn’t gonna give it to the 14 YO boy I came here to see. The condoms? Oh those are for my drug mule business. Oh, and it’s really hot out, that’s why I’m naked.

I’m just the pizza guy!! I swear I got the wrong address! Don’t take me to jail, I don’t know anything about no kids!

Here, hold this condom…

{runs away}
{slams car door}
{screeching tires}

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

14? No, no, no. I’m here to see the 18-year old boy.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Wow, Chris, your timing is perfect! You can videotape me lecturing this careless 14-year-old girl on the dangers of setting up sexual liaisons with older men on the internet! Great work you’re doing, by the way.

Do you know what you’ve done? Did you know she was only 13 years old?

She said she was 18. I was only going to talk. I’ve never done this before. What’s on that print out?

Uh… uh… can I interest you in some Amway?

Chris, what in the heck are you doing in my kitchen…?

Oh, wait, this isn’t MY kitchen…heh, looks like I wandered into the wrong house again! I’m always doing that…


[stone phillips]

Well, er. Hello, Chris.


[/stone phillips]

Are you a cop?

And keep your hands out of your pockets.

Not on my side of the border, you aren’t.

Why don’t I have a seat over here? No, you self-aggrandizing fuckbag, your face can have a seat on my fists. (PUNCH) How many times are you going to mention your own name in a single episode, bitch? (PUNCH) Too bad the cops are outside and not in here, huh? (PUNCH) Looks like my hands are where you can see them, aren’t they, Blowdry? (PUNCH) Chris, I’m not a cop, so you are free to leave at any time. (PUNCH)

Just a sec, let me get this pistol into my mouth