For 19 years I have harbored a deep dark secret and I am finally able to come clean about it. For years I have been telling everyone that I have 4 children when infact I have 5. That’s right 5 bambinos! I placed my second born child (a boy) up for private adoption 19 years ago. I was raped and then found myself pregnant. I was young, poor and already raising my daughter alone. I felt the pain of labor and delivery was going to be a sweeter pain to remember then abortion so I placed my child. It was the HARDEST thing I have ever done.
I can’t tell you the heartache I have felt for 19 years. The emptiness. I later married and had children to try and replace the child I had lost, but it never worked. (If only I had counseling this would have never happend)
Anyways I left a long paper trail for my son to find me and last year in July HE FOUND ME! We are currently in a reunion.
I found out he only lives 2 hours from me! Wa hoo! He was raised by a wealthy, Christan family and he is pretty normal.
Now that we have found eachother we are working on some sort of a realtionship. He asked me if he should call me “mom” and I said call me whatever you feel comfortable calling me. To this date he doesn’t call me anything. I figure all in good time.
He is away at college (6 hours from me) but will be going home during summer break in August. We plan on having dinner together. It will be the FIRST time we have ever been alone in the whole time I have known him. I am nervous and don’t know where the conversation will lead.
I want him to love me and be interested in his new found family as much as we are with him.
If you can think of questions I should ask or if you have good thoughts to send my way…I am all ears!
Oh, Isabelle that is wonderful. How hard it must have been to know you had a child out there somewhere and not know if he was okay. But also how wonderful that you gave this child an opportunity at life and unselfishly placed him up for adoption.
How have your other children reacted to this news? Are they excited to know they have another brother or was there some fear he would take time away from their mom?
Best of thoughts coming your way to ease your nervousness.
I waited until my birthson was 17 before telling each of my other children that they had a brother “out there”. I called them into my room individually and explained it the best I could. They took it well and instantly became very interested in the new found brother. They coulnd’t wait until I would one day get word.
They took a liking to him right away and they get along great.
I don’t detect any jealousy from any of them. We never discuss how I became pregnant and I appreciate that. My birthson does not yet know I was raped. I don’t want to ever have to tell him.
My birthson sent me an email a few weeks back asking me questions about his birthdad and the only thing I said about him was that he was a jerk.
What an awful stigma to have about your birthdad!
Thanks for the well wishes.
It really feels good to come clean and acknowledge that I have 5 children!
I’m really happy For you , but You really should tell your birthson the truth. Its ugly, and horribile, but You dont want it to pop up years from now. Could you imagine him hearing from one his siblings one day what happened? I don’t think he would react well to that fact that you’ve hidden that from him (even if it is to protect him.)
I’m glad that you definitely put it up for adoption and not kill it. Kudos to you for doing that. I believe that was the right thing to do.
Now, I just hope that you can meet your son and that you click together. Hope everything goes well for you.
Isabelle what you did was nothing short of heroic. Congratulations, I hope you become part of each other’s lives. Even if you don’t though, you did a wonderful thing and he has a great mom.
Man, that’s a wonderful story Isabelle. I wish all the best for you and your son. I do feel, however, that you should tell him the situation involving his conception. The knowledge that his father was “a jerk” may still leave him with a desire to find him as well. I mean, he found you, why not? Plus, it will help with his understanding of why you chose the path you did. This whole experience is going to be very rough on the emotions (hey, a lot of happiness can still give you heart pains), so I think you two can handle this little tid bit of information. No need to get into specifics, just give him the facts.
The fact that, even being a child of rape, you still loved him enough to have him and make it easy for him to find you, and are so accepting of his outreach is a great testament to how much love you have to offer him. I’m so happy he found a good family, and found you. Best wishes, and congratulations.
Did you know the rapist? I’m just thinking it would be better not to know (or give your son his name) on account of boys can sometimes do dangerous things to protect (or avenge) moms.
I’m glad he contacted you. I hope your relationship is a long one.
Yes I knew the guy. I worked for the same company as him.
I only knew him for about 2 months before this happend. I don’t know much about him. So there is not much to tell my birthson.
Back 19 years ago there was no such thing as “date rape” but that is what it is. Back then it was just an aggressive guy hiding his bone.
The guy moved away and married someone and I heard he had another child. (This was all from another coworker) He never acknowledged my pregnancy/adoption.
I think I agree that if he wants to know the truth, he should. Gently, with emphasis on the fact that you are happy that something good (him) came out of something really awful.
Isabelle, how absolutely heartwarming to hear of such a happy ending. Actually, this is more of a beginning. Personally, I’d hold off for a while about telling your son he is the product of a rape. Wait until your own relationship is more firmly established so that is it not all tarred with the same brush. You seem to have a loving heart and I don’t see where much else is needed in this situation. I am so very glad for you.
Isabelle, This story is neither mundane OR pointless. I am glad 1)you set up a paper tril to give him the information he needed to find you 2) he followed it. and 3) you ar both excited about meeting each other. Sometimes the enthusiasm doesn’t flow both ways.
I must agree with El Elvis Rojo. While he will have a bunch of “stuff” to process, he is an adult. Save the decition for when you are face to face with him. If he really probes you probably shouldn’t lie about it.
My sister went through a similar reunion with a son she had in high school and gave up for adoption. She sought him out, and he was a bit aprehensive but they have met and communicate quite a bit. It has been a good thing. If you want to know more let me know.
Isabelle, thank you for having the courage to share this wonderful story with all of us!! I hope you and your son are able to form a strong, solid bond of love that will last for the rest of your life. I believe you did the right thing by giving him up for adoption, and although he may go through periods of mixed feelings, ultimately I’m sure he’ll believe it, too.
As far as telling him how he was conceived, well, you have an edge now, in that everyone is now familiar with the term “date rape”. I’m not sure I’d make much of an issue of it, but if he starts seeming like he might be harboring fantasies about finding his dad, for a “family reunion” kind of thing, I’d definitely come clean!
I actually recieved a call one day at work ( a message) from some woman that left a really odd message. I just figured it was a sales call and deleted it.
She called me an hour later and said she didn’t think she left a good message so she wanted to try again. She said she was acting as a liason for the adoptive parents and would I want them to contact me. I fell apart. OF COURSE! OF COURSE! So I told her to have them call me at 8 that night. (There was no way I could handle the emotions at work) At 8 promptly they called me each on their own phone. They wanted to meet me right away but I made them wait a week. I just couldn’t deal with the emotions.
We met (just the parents and I) at a bookstore/coffee shop. They brought gifts for my other children and a diamond necklace and earring set for me.
A week later I met my son at Cracker Barrel with the entire family.
We had 11 people at the table. I just wanted to stare at him!
We communicate mostly by phone right now. A few emails here and there.
His adoptive family writes to me too. They send me little family updates every 1-2 weeks. They are good people.
My husband’s birthmom found him last January, and we met her for the first time a few days before our wedding last July. She’s a terrific person, and our lives are richer for having her around. I’m so glad they found you.
Lots of adopted adult kids finding parents! My aunt had 4 kids by her first husband and gave them up for adoption when things did not work out for that marriage. The youngest one recently found her. We ( my cousin, her oldest daughter by her second husband, my other aunt and I ) have been searching for the other 3 for quiet some time. It would be nice if Colorado unsealed their records.
Again, I am happy for you Isabelle
