In the interest of sparing myself what happened, for whatever that’s worth under the circumstances, I am going to repost what I posted under my Facebook account.
Inasmuch as belief in God matters, I do believe. Does it matter to me right now? Not one little bit. What kind of cruel son of a bitch lets me live (of all people) and kills my friend, devastates his family? That is not the God I grew up with.
Dammit, I would give everything I have and more to change things. My wife might have a better husband, my son might have a better father, but Shawn is dead forever.
God damn it, it’s not right. It’s not fair. It’s not anything. It just is. And I am furious about it.
Life sucks, and life is wonderful. We love, we work, we strive, and we’re often taken away far too soon, with no regard as to how good a person you are or what your plans are. Frankly, it makes no goddamn sense. Take what happiness you can when you can, and when the pain allows you, remember to be glad you knew Shawn at all. Nothing is permanent. Late at night, or when I’m in my cups, that’s the darkest thought I face.
I feel for you, Airman. Eventually, if we’re not the ones taken young, we all have more than our fair share of these experiences before we’re done. I’ve read your posts for years. I know you’ll weather this, and to the extent anyone can, help those around you to do the same.
I am sorry for your pain, and for the pain that your friend’s family and other friends are going through.
And if you believe and trust in the Lord then you should accept that He knows what He’s doing. “Fair” doesn’t enter into it; God promises you love, not freedom from sorrow, and He offers you strength in hard times, not explanations.
I don’t know if that thought will help at all, but there it is.
I’m very sorry for your loss and that you and his family are in such pain right now.
This very issue of “fair” came up last night in the recovery group I lead. I have a newcomer that is suffering over some issues in her life and she wants to know why God isn’t fair.
Several people commented and one thing kept coming up and I know it has helped me deal with situations I found to be unfair.
Basically, I have never questioned God when good things happened to me or my family, only when there has been tragic events. I’ve never shaken my fist at God and asked, “Why did you let me have 3 healthy children? Why have you given me a spouse that loves me? Why do I have a roof over my head? WHY ME?”
Once I wrapped my mind around this concept I was better able to accept that with life come blessings and tragic events I will never understand. If I’m going to stand with my hands out and take all the good I have to understand that there is going to be bad sometimes at well and that I have to have faith and trust in the bigger plan…even when I can’t see it.
But, in the middle of a grieving process it is only natural to be angry and to need to lash out at something/someone/anything.
I don’t think I’ve ever done it (I did get mad at Him over not having sent a Little Sibling after more than a year of asking, but I never questioned Him - completely different emotions), but I do know that for many people any moment of loss is a moment of asking “why?”
I’m sorry for your loss and wish I could take some of the pain away.
PS: hey, Robyn, I have a tablet of chocolate to make Spanish-style, wanna have it? If he likes chocolate, you can use it to chocolate his life… and if not, that thing counts as a Dangerous Weapon, you can hit him with it when he gets too moany. He can’t feel sad if he’s unconscious!
Hey, maybe that’s it… who says Robyn deserves being a widow, eh? I’m sure she doesn’t!
In a long-forgotten fiction book, one character gestures towards a flower growing. “In order for you to see it, it had to die. Everything has to because nothing is forever.”
Shawn did not have the option of living and being alive but not dying.
This is not a random or cruel act of a vindictive or uncaring God. Life and death are like this because the individual life is not all there is, and of course you know that.
I am sorry for your loss. When you are ready, celebrate his life, that he did live.
That is an excellent point. I don’t believe in God or fairness or fate or any of that. But if you need a reason for it all, consider that there are people that love you and depend on you. That’s why you’re still here.
I’m really sorry for what you’re going through, Airman Doors, USAF. You can’t change what happened but you can be there to help the people you care about while you deal with your pain.
Airman, I’m terribly sorry for your loss. But consider this a potential answer to your question: You’ve done awful things - maybe you get to live to “balance out the account”. Make some good in this world and offset whatever bad that you believe you’ve done.
People always say that life is not fair. Death is even less so. Be a comfort to Shawn’s family. Continue to honor his life. Keep him alive in your heart. And know that, had the situation been reversed, he would have felt the same for you. You’re still here, maybe that was Shawn’s final wish?
I’m reminded of something that one of my Christian friends says: “God has no hands but mine, no feet but mine, no heart but mine”. As someone mentioned upthread, perhaps you have good things yet to accomplish with your hands, feet, and heart.
And my poor fool is hanged! No, no, no life!
Why should a dog, a horse, a rat, have life,
And thou no breath at all? Thou’lt come no more,
Never, never, never, never, never!
Or
My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar,
And I must pause till it come back to me.
No, it isn’t right and it isn’t fair. We want death to be just and deserved, or to come at the end of a long, fulfilling life. But sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes the life never had a chance to be fulfilling, and sometimes the death simply destroys a wonderful person who did nothing wrong and who was loved immensely.
So, you can’t change the death. The fury is okay, and I think it’s actually protective. Railing against God is okay, since if he exists, he’s big enough to take it.
Shawn was your friend, so you brought him happiness as he was bringing you happiness. No matter what mistakes or failings you might have, friendship is very important and comforting. He would have thought that.
