Thirding Sandra and Ben’s point.
The most important rule in wedding planning is: It’s your wedding (you pl., you and your fiance), not anyone else’s. The only other person who deserves a say in it is the officiant, the person licensed by the state to perform marriages whom you’ve obtined the services of.
Absiolutely NO social customs are binding on you, no matter how ‘traditional’ or widespread. You need not wear white, carry a bridal bouquet which you will then toss to a gaggle of single women and girls after the wedding, be ‘given away’ byyour father or a male relative, etc. Use what you like of it, consign the remainder to the rubbish heap. And courteously introduce any self-styled wedding-etiquette experts to Judith Martin: “It is never appropriate to tell someone else how they must conduct themselves, unless that someone has been given into your custodial care.” (I think I’m paraphrasing her, but I trust it makes the point.)
On the other hand, the officiant does have a few requirements he is entitled to make, and you will have the choice of complying with them or going elsewhere. If a clergyman, he is likely to want to assure himself that you are marrying with a sense of the commitment involved, and not for ‘light and transient reasons.’ This is something you owe his conscience. A few things, like the “speak now or forever hold your peace” bit, may be legal requirements in your jurisdiction for a valid wedding. If marrying in a church or rented hall, there may be spcific requirements on its use – your choice: comply with those requirements, or move the ceremony elsewhere. The same thing goes for any self-styled ‘expert’ providing a good or service
One thing invented by a fiendish young woman of my acquaintance, part of a family where control-freak-ism was a dominant trait, is to take the control freak who loves you the most, the one you will take some advice from (though not let run your wedding), and use her for defense. “Mom, I know you want my special day to go just perfect, and I intend to listen to all your advice and use most of it, but you’d be doing me the most good if you helped me fend off Aunt Gladys and Roger’s wife Amy – you know what control freaks they are!” (This is called turning a problem into an asset.)
The key point: the wedding is a single event, an important one. The marriage is what you and your husband-to-be will be doing from then on. To mangle an old cliche, your wedding day is the first day of the rest of your married life. That’s what’s important – starting a marriage that will last. Don’t lose that focus. And everything elxse will fall right into place.
