I need help. (Wedding planning)

In My Humble Opinion
1

Yeah, so in case you missed it: So anyway, I’m getting married

I’ve NO IDEA what I’m doing here. I have some help IRL, but I have no maid of honor, my future sister-in-law is just… I can’t even listen to her ideas anymore, and my mother and I have limited opportunities to get together.

:Silver Fire proceeds to lose her mind:

I should say it’s not going to be fancy. Yes, I’ll have a white dress. Yes, he’ll have a tux. However, we’re getting married at a VFW hall and our reception is in a neighboring beer garden. I’d LOVE to have Famous Dave’s cater (can’t beat their cornbread muffins!) but I was recently reminded that there will be lots of nice clothing there, and most of it will be rented. So yeah, it’s not too fancy.

I need a song. I need flowers. I need wine, apparently. Tiara, or no? I like the idea of my attendants wearing “apple” colored dresses, but Modern Bride, or some such magazine (of which I now have PILES) says that bold, flashy colors are a bad idea because they take away from the bride in pictures. I need a photographer! And WTF are these “save the date” cards I’ve been hearing so much about? Where can I find those?

And how much is too much for:

a dress? food? shoes aren’t a problem because, honestly, I’ll likely wear a pair of white Skechers… how about flowers? I don’t even have a budget!

Am I obligated to invite ANYONE? Cousins I haven’t seen in years, aunts I don’t even like, my sister’s boyfriend (who I really don’t like - she says it wouldn’t be fair to her if I didn’t invite him)?

I hope I sound like a crazy person because then I will have successfully communicated my current state of mind in written form. Hooray.

Any advice, ANY ADVICE AT ALL, is incredibly appreciated. I’ll be meeting with my mom on Monday and I’ll be sure to bring this thread with me. Thanks in advance and all that.

May 17, 2003

2

A Vegas wedding might be simplest. I have nothing to add except it seems there are many sites on Google. The following one has an interesting, but sad topic: The painful process of canceling a wedding:

http://www.wednet.com/default.aspx

Anyway, congratulations and best of luck!

3

Just elope, it’s easier. Take the money you’ll spend putting on a 3 hour show for everyone (mostly people you don’t like and got manipulated into inviting) and go on a kickass honeymoon :slight_smile:

How bout a cruise to oh, Bali or something?

Anyhow, re the dress: just my personal opinion here but I think anything over $500 is nuts.

It would help to know when the wedding date is. Find out what flowers are in season during that time of year and use those kinds of flowers, it’ll be a bit cheaper. Nothing more expensive than roses in February!

As far as who you’re obligated to invite, it depends. Who’s paying for the wedding? If it’s Mom and Dad chances are you’re gonna have to suck it up and invited old Aunt Nellie who hasn’t seen you since you were 2.

If it’s you and groom, you’re not obligated to invite anyone but again, you might wanna suck it up and keep the peace. You probably won’t even see the “undesirables” at the reception because you’ll be too busy.

4

May 17, 2003

The dress isn’t really a problem, I guess. I’ve seen pictures of dresses (in the hundreds of magazines I have) from David’s Bridal, and they’re all reasonably priced. The Dress was included in The Wedding Connection’s spread and, unfortunately, they don’t list prices. I assume it’s expensive though.

I can’t go to Vegas. I can’t really go anywhere. I mean, technically, I could. But I’m my mom’s first kid to get married and, even if she doesn’t admit it (she doesn’t either), she’d be pretty disappointed. If I went anywhere, it’d be Alcatraz. Sounds crazy, but I think it’d be neat. Out of the question though.

Besides, deep down in my girliest of girly thoughts and ideas, I do want a big show. (shhhh, don’t tell anyone) I just don’t really know how to go about doing that.

Re: funding. I think we’re all kind of paying for it. If I need something, I tell my mom. Like this month, she’ll probably pay my car payment so I don’t have to.

The worst part is, I’m thinking of the time I have left in days rather than months. Two hundred fifty-some days just doesn’t seem like all that many…

Okay, to make giving me advice even easier, here’s what I have/already know what I’m doing.

His ring
hair, nails, etc.
BEER!! <----- that’s exactly how it’s written on my list. Underlined twice.
gift registry
music (2 (maybe 3) bands, and we don’t have to pay them. HOORAY!)
marriage license (but that doesn’t happen for a while)

That leaves flowers (I’ve never liked roses), favors (I can get 500 fortune cookies with up to 3 personalized messages for $200… uh, no), cake (but I may have that covered), food (would a potluck wedding be too tacky?) wine (but is it really necessary?), gifts for our attendants, colors (‘maid’s dresses, ties, the artificial bouquet…) invitations, and these mysterious “save the date” cards which, from what I gather (LOVIN’ these bridal mags), are pre-invitation invitations. Or something. I need to get a photographer, but I will not have a videographer.

Am I missing anything? I can’t even ever remember attending a wedding. I remember this reception that I went to when I was like 12, but I don’t remember anything about the actual ceremony.

5

Just my personal opinions here:

Re: Food. I have been to a potluck wedding and it was not tacky AT ALL! When I first heard of such an idea (not done in Kentucky, where I grew up) I thought it was sooooooooooooo lame, till I saw it in action. It’s a great idea!

Re: Flowers. Lilies? Tulips will be in season then as well and they’re oh so pretty. Daffodils? Oooh! Decorate the tables with lily of the valley, they smell wonderful. All sorts of flower options for a May wedding. Gardenias? Expensive but you can’t beat the scent.

Re: Wine. No, it’s not necessary. It would be unthinkable 'round these parts, just isn’t done. Plus it’s too friggin expensive.

Colors: Well, what’s your favorite color? Cream is a good complement to whatever your “main” color is and it’s not as blinding as white. I’ve been to a black & white wedding which looked a lot better than I expected it to, tres snazzy.

Don’t bother with save the date cards, just sounds like another scheme from the wedding industry to make more money. If people want to be at your wedding, they will be there no matter what they have to cancel.

Gifts for attendants: Depends on what your budget is. A pretty necklace for each bridesmaid might work. Nice money clips for the groomsmen?

6

I eloped, so I can’t speak from experience, but I’ve read lots of Q&A stuff on weddings, so I’ll share from my trickling font of knowledge.

Yes, a potluck would be tacky - but perhaps one of your favorite restaurants also caters.
Alcohol is not necessary
I never heard of “save the date” cards
If I needed a photographer, I’d ask friends and family - always a good place to start.
I never got the point of favors.
For flowers, I personally like silks - then you can have whatever you like regardless of the time of year.
Colors are entirely personal - either pick something you like, or let your attendants pick their own flattering shade.
What about gifts for the attendants? Traditionally I think it’s jewelry.
Do yourself a favor and take the wedding guides as suggestions, not absolutes. They’re trying to sell you stuff - you just do what pleases you and don’t worry what people tell you “must” be done. It’s a ceremony and a party, not a show or a statement.

Personally, I’m glad I eloped, and I hope my kid does too.

7

Start with two questions:

How many people are you inviting?

How much money do you have to spend.

Work from there.

I think things like favors are completely unnecessary. If you budget is tight, see what talents your friends have (does someone sing? Someone have a talent for flower arranging? Someone bake? Someone a photographer?) My flowers for my second wedding were done by a girlfriend of mine from “here on my colors, here’s $200, what’s in season at the farmer’s market?” They were much nicer than the flowers I paid to have done for the first wedding.

Remember that bridal magazines are designed to get you to spend money. If you want apple colored dresses (and the people you expect to wear them don’t hurl at the idea) don’t worry about what Modern Bride has to say. How many pictures do you expect your bridesmaids to be in? How often are you going to look at these pictures? The only wedding pictures I have on display are me and my hubby.

8

My maid of honor wore a teal dress and the pictures came out great. It is, quite frankly, hard not to stand out when you are wearing a pure white dress that is longer and fancier than everyone else in the room. Brides magazines may be good for ideas, but they aren’t the final statement in how a wedding should be run.

As for the food, why don’t you put “Casual Barbeque supper reception following ceremony” then give an extra half hour or so before dinner starts. (I take it this is a barbeque joint or similarly messy meal) This would give people the heads up bring a change of clothes or wear something they don’t mind getting messy. I think the real issue here is a) do you want to wear your wedding dress at the reception and do you mind risking BBQ sauce on it and b) do you have to have a completely formal wedding? At my wedding, my ex wore a tux, but his best man and everyone else in the wedding party just wore nice suits. And the rest of the people were in sunday best or business casual.

9

I’m not so sure that bright colors would take away from the bride…if everyone was in red, and you were in white, wouldn’t you stand out?

10

I agree with the others- go with the colors that you want! I think the first commandment of every bride should be don’t listen to a damn thing any bridal magazine says. Just enjoy the pretty pictures. Don’t read the articles. “Save the Date Cards?” What freaking greedy-butt printer thought that one up?

Now what do you mean by potluck wedding? If you mean that you have like a dozen aunts who are panting in anticipation of cooking and baking for your reception, that’s great. If you mean that the invitations will read, “Bring a Side Dish!” that’s … tacky. Remember, you and yours are throwing a party. You cannot put the onus of entertaining on your invited guests.

Are you okay with fake flowers? Some think they are tacky, I think they can look beautiful if done well. A friend did my bouquet as her present to me, and it now sits on a shelf in the living room in a basket. With fake flowers and a little creativity, you could combine the table decorations and guest favors.

I was at one wedding where the centerpieces involved a few flowers surrounded by an arrangement of unlit candles- each guest took a candle home.

11

Here’s some links to sites that I bookmarked while planning my wedding:
www.weddingtalkers.com
www.ultimatewedding.com
http://www.weddingnet.com.au/Melbourne/index.html
http://www.electpress.com/loveandromance/page45.htm
http://www-personal.umich.edu/~kzaruba/smallwed.html
http://www.documentsanddesigns.com/verse/marriage_poems.htm

Hope they’re helpful! I particularly found the first two links helpful - they’re wedding forums, and even just as a lurker, there’s a lot you can pick up from them.

12

Hey Silver Fire, wedding planning is easy.

Your list should look like this;

[ul]
[li]Date: X[/li][li]Place: X[/li][li]Groom: X[/li][li]Family: X[/li][li]Friends: X[/li][li]Ice: X[/li][li]Beer: X[/li][li]Cups: X[/li][li]Some sort of food: X[/li][/ul]

Everything else is window dressing.

13

Congratulations!

I had to plan my long-distance wedding single-handedly, and I look back on the planning with fondness. Which probably means it drove me insane. My advice for you:

Photographer: it may not be a good idea to ask a friend or family member. The photographer has to be working during the wedding and reception, so it would take the fun out of it for someone close to you. You may be able to get a photography student from a local college to do it cheap.

Flowers: if you are OK with silk flowers, check Ebay. You can find great deals on flowers for the entire wedding party.

Favors: are not really necessary. You could put together little candy bags (2 or 3 Hersey’s Kisses and Hugs and maybe a few mints in a small mesh bag).

Food: I have to agree with sugaree on the potluck idea.

Drinks: wine is not a requirement. You haven’t mentioned champagne - which is also not a requirement - but if you do plan to have toasts, you might want something like sparkling apple cider.

Dresses: dress your attendants in the colors you want! As long as they aren’t in white, you will stand out.

Attendant gifts: I went with necklaces for my bridesmaids and made Mr. sekhmet decide for his groomsmen. I have also seen brides pay for manicures and massages for the attendants, which I thought was nice.

Invitations: they are trying to make you spend as much money as possible. Go with as little as you feel comfortable. Definitely skip the “save the date” cards.

Remember, this is your wedding. Do what you want to do. Even if that means you ignore all of my advice. :wink:

14

Anyone who ever finds themselves tempted to give this advice to a bride-to-be - don’t. Every single person told me this when I was discussing wedding plans, and it made me very unhappy. That’s not what I wanted, and I felt that (especially because of the volume of people who said it) that somehow I wasn’t considered worthy of having a nice wedding. I wanted advice and suggestions relating to how to plan a wedding, not to be told to scrap the idea altogether.

The people who put way too much effort into planning their wedding will tell you they wish they had just eloped. The people who don’t go overboard and stress out over every little thing will probably join me in telling you that their wedding day was wonderful in every way, and they had the best time. Because I enjoyed my wedding sooo much, I would tell you that it is well worth the effort. I’m not a “girly-girl”, I’m not into hair, makeup, clothes and shoes, but I still think my wedding day was the best day I’ve ever had. The key is - don’t sweat the small stuff. There are big things that are important, and small things that are not, and you need to work out which is which. If the small things don’t go to plan, adapt and don’t waste another second worrying about them.

15

The first thing to do, honestly, is to throw out the wedding magazines. When I was planning my wedding last year, I used them for entertainment.

It’s possible to spend very, very little on a very nice wedding. I spent about forty bucks on my dress, thirteen on shoes (and I did wear sneakers; you try being six months pregnant in anything but!), and nothing on the site (the taxpayers of Biloxi, Mississippi did when they provided that very nice park). Most of the budget was spent traveling. After the wedding, we took pictures at the local hotel, which had beautiful flower gardens and had dinner at the buffet restaurant in the hotel.

Unless it’s what you really, really, really want, there’s nothing that says you have to go whole-hog on a huge, formal wedding. And even then, there are shortcuts you can take. For one, you can do the invitations yourself, on your computer. I’ve gotten some very nice homemade invitations.

And for the list, this is what was suggested in some bar-mitzvah planning book I read some years back. List absolutely everyone you can think of who would want to go to your wedding. Then, go through the list and arrange it by “A”, or people you have to have there, like parents, grandparents, that kind of thing; “B”, or people you like whom you would like to see there (friends, close cousins); and “C”, or people you can live without (like business associates or people you’d invite out of obligation). That way, if you have to winnow down the list, you can do it much more easily.

Robin

16

Yeah, a wedding! My one year wedding anniversary with DMC is Oct 6. (Takes a bow)

For the dress(es), trust me on this one. Go to Ebay or one of the online sites. Cheap, Cheap! But better than that very unique. If you feel wierd about used dresses, even on Ebay, alot of them are brand new. Tip: Make sure to get your measurements before ordering. That’s the only way to make sure it will fit. Wedding dress sizes are very bizarre. I got my Dolce and Gabana dress for under 500. What size are you? For Bridesmaid dresses, I only neeed two, and basically I gave each of my friends a hundred bucks and told them to go buy something. They thought it was great.

For the wine: It depends on the tastes of the guests. Unfortunately, white zinfandel is always a must for those who drink, but not very often. Then, get one good red, one good white. Cheap but awesome reds are: Chilean or Washington cabs, Australian Shiraz. White: Oregon or Washington Reislings,–Chardonnay is tricky. Often Very Expensive. Black Opal is very popular and not too pricy. (Used to be a fine dining waitress)

I agree with the suggestion about college students for photography. Call up one of the art professors at a local college and ask him for referrals.

Budgeting is tricky, but there are online sites, software and books with budget layouts and calendars available. I think one of the best sites was The Knot. or www.theknot.com. I have heard the book, Weddings for Dummies, is also very good.

Invites: I made my own and had them printed at a local printers. It cut down on cost and made it more personal. DMC thought I should learn Calligraphy to address them all and I told him he was nuts!

Guest List: The standard rule that I saw is that you are not obligated to invite anyone you haven’t seen for over a year. But your family may have other thoughts.

Hope this helps.

17

I think I’m a bit more calm today. Thanks for all your advice, guys!

My opening for the maid of honor position is “in the air”, which pisses me off. I’d rather my sister just said “no, I don’t want to be in your wedding” than refuse to commit either way. :mad:

I have one (1) bridesmaid. I don’t really know anyone else, which is sad because he has TONS of male friends and would like at least 3-4 people in his party. Do the numbers have to be even on both sides? I suppose so, otherwise it’d look unbalanced. And people would have to walk down the aisle alone. And everyone would know that I really don’t have any friends. At least if we both only have two people, it’ll look like we decided to have small parties together instead of looking like I’m freakishly unsociable. (That doesn’t even seem like a word. Forgive me, I’ve been up all night.)

Fake flowers wouldn’t be a bad idea. My mom says my aunt can make really pretty flowers and, being her neice, she’d probably do them at cost. Supplies shouldn’t be too expensive.

Zyada, I like your idea re: Famous Dave’s. Of course, I wouldn’t actually eat the ribs (mmmm… ribs), but I wouldn’t want to put other people at risk of ruining their clothes. A subtle warning might work.

I’m not sure how many people are invited yet. He has a basic list going, but I haven’t counted. He has almost no addresses. I’ve already told him that if he doesn’t have addresses for me by the end of this month, those people won’t be invited. Hopefully, that’ll motivate him a little. :slight_smile: My family list is about 40 people long. I’ve added a few to account for children of family members I don’t yet know about. My friends list is two people long.

I haven’t gotten his family list yet. His friends list will include (but certainly will not be limited to) every single person he’s ever met. I don’t get that. Why would you invite the guy that delivers your mail to your wedding? (He didn’t actually do that, but you get the idea.) He says they probably won’t show up until the reception. OTOH, my friends list is two, so it doesn’t really matter. Anyway, it’s his wedding just as much as it is mine, so there’s no way I’d tell him he can’t invite certain people.

And, regarding those people who will likely only attend the reception - Do they get an invitation? Kind of seems like a waste of money to send wedding invitations to people who have no intention of going to a wedding.

I need sleep. I can’t wait to talk to my mom tomorrow.

18

Something I’ve seen done quite frequently, and isn’t a bad idea, is to provide each table at the reception with a disposable camera. That way you can get a whole bunch of fun, candid shots taken by your guests. Have doubles made, and send them out to the wacky people in the pictures.

For favours, small candles are always cute. Get a gold or silver marker and write names on them - place markers and favours, all in one! Head to the dollar store to get fun loys for the kids (there is so much cool stuff in a good dollar store - I buy myself toys there!).

Kind of different, but something that I thought was original for centrepieces was fish - this couple bought a dozen or so of those colourful “fighting fish” and placed them in very simple bowls with coloured beads/marbles in the bottom. I think they had a draw for who got to keep them at the end of the night. I don’t know how expensive these fish are, but I’m sure there must be some very pretty ones for not too much money out there.

Although wine is not necessary, if you do want to provide some to your guests for the meal, you do not have to go with the most expensive. I agree that the Aussies make great wines, and I’d drink Black Opal any day, but then, I also like some of the local stuff too. I don’t know where SPOOFE’s closet is, but if its any where near a wine region, go for a taste test and find something inexpensive but good. In my fantasy wedding plans I’ve already marked out Vincorps Sola/Nero as a fantasic wine for cheap (the LCBO sells it for about 13$CDN for a double bottle - 1.5L), and it comes in both red (Nero) and while (Sola). www.solanero.com (though I’m having trouble with the link - Google it if it doesn’t work).

Thats all I can come up with for now. Good luck! And remember - its all about YOU and your Hubby to be, not about THEM! :slight_smile:

19

Something I’ve seen done quite frequently, and isn’t a bad idea, is to provide each table at the reception with a disposable camera. That way you can get a whole bunch of fun, candid shots taken by your guests. Have doubles made, and send them out to the wacky people in the pictures.

For favours, small candles are always cute. Get a gold or silver marker and write names on them - place markers and favours, all in one! Head to the dollar store to get fun loys for the kids (there is so much cool stuff in a good dollar store - I buy myself toys there!).

Kind of different, but something that I thought was original for centrepieces was fish - this couple bought a dozen or so of those colourful “fighting fish” and placed them in very simple bowls with coloured beads/marbles in the bottom. I think they had a draw for who got to keep them at the end of the night. I don’t know how expensive these fish are, but I’m sure there must be some very pretty ones for not too much money out there.

Although wine is not necessary, if you do want to provide some to your guests for the meal, you do not have to go with the most expensive. I agree that the Aussies make great wines, and I’d drink Black Opal any day, but then, I also like some of the local stuff too. I don’t know where SPOOFE’s closet is, but if its any where near a wine region, go for a taste test and find something inexpensive but good. In my fantasy wedding plans I’ve already marked out Vincorps Sola/Nero as a fantasic wine for cheap (the LCBO sells it for about 13$CDN for a double bottle - 1.5L), and it comes in both red (Nero) and while (Sola). www.solanero.com (though I’m having trouble with the link - Google it if it doesn’t work).

Thats all I can come up with for now. Good luck! And remember - its all about YOU and your Hubby to be, not about THEM! :slight_smile:

20

According to Miss Manners, it is perfectly correct to have unmatched sides. She says that the point of the wedding party is so that the couple can have their nearest and dearest up with them at that time- it is losing sight of the meaning if you sit there and match up eight couples according to height. And if your guests think that it is strange, screw 'em. It’s your wedding!

Actually, maybe your love could have two friends serve as ushers, and two friends serve as groomsmen. That way it will be a matched set going down the aisle, but everyone he is close to will have a role to play.

If you mean that if they won’t go to the ceremony, you don’t want them at the reception, yeah, don’t send the invitation. But if you still want them at the reception, if that’s what they are going to do, yeah, you have to send them an invitation- otherwise, they wouldn’t be invited, right?