Entertain me…
Keith
I AM THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND
I LIKE TO SING AND DANCE
AND IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME
I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE PANTS!
Thank you … thank you … I’ll be here all week …
On the other hand, Darkman is on TNT right now …
:best Gypsy Rose Lee voice:
Let me entertain you
let me make you smile
let me do a few tricks
some old and then some new tricks
I’m very versatile
[sub]struts across the stage[/sub]
and if you’re real good
I’ll make you feel good
I want your pleasure to climb
[sub]removes an elbow length glove[/sub]
So let me entertain you
and we’ll have a real good time, yes sir
[sub]removes other glove[/sub]
and we’ll have a real good time
[sub]slips one strap off shoulder, and ducks behind curtain[/sub]
Okay, okay, get this…
So a termite walks into a bar, right?
Wait for it…
And he asks…
You’re not gonna believe this…
“Is the BAR TENDER here?”
BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! GET IT? Termite…ah, me. Remember, folks, teh 7:30 show is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from the 9:30 show! Tip your waitresses!
Hey, what’s that big hook for?
Ahhh, Odie, I hear ya, but my puppetstrings have progressed to the point of barbed wire and rattlesnakes.
Remember, though, we always have Casablanca.
Nighty-night!
Join the club, bub.
Whenever I’m bored (which is often), I come to the SDMB and post. Which explains my post count.
Shall I do my Happy Monkey Dance[sup]TM[/sup]? I hear it’s pretty entertaining. 
So, years ago in the Old West, this dog limps into a tough bar. One of his feet is all bandaged up. He hoists himself up on a bar stool and orders a shot of rye.
The barkeep gives him the rye, then asks what the dog’s doing in town.
The dog growls: “I’m looking for the guy who shot my paw.”
(What, you were expecting something good?)
This guy is out hunting. He sees a bear at the top of the hill and shoots at the bear with his rifle. The bear drops.
The guy climbs the hill and looks around. Doesn’t see the dead bear. Suddenly there’s a tapping on his shoulder. He turns around and there’s the bear, alive and well. The bear knocks the rifle out of the guy’s hands, holds out his massive paws and says: “I could rip your head off right now. Or you can turn around, bend over, and let me have my way with you.”
Well, the guy doesn’t want to get killed so he chooses Option B. Then, he goes back to town, angry as hell, gets a bigger rifle, and comes back looking for the bear. Finally, he sees the bear and shoots. The bear drops. He goes looking for the carcase and can’t find it. Suddenly, there’s the tapping on the shoulder, he turns around, and there’s the bear. The bear knocks the gun out of the guy’s hands and gives him the same options. Guy shudders and chooses Option B.
Guy goes back to town, his manhood humiliated. He gets the biggest caliber gun he can get.* Goes out hunting, determined to get revenge. Sees the bear - aims, and BLAM!! The bear drops. The guy goes looking for him. Suddenly, there’s that tapping on his shoulder. He swallows hard, turns around, and there’s the bear.
The bear grins at him and says: “You’re not here for the hunting.”
[sub]* How should I know how big a caliber he could get? If the story’s in the States, for all I know it’s a .5 Maadi-Griffin. I’m just a Canuck - a .22 sounds big to me.[/sub]
And a special one for Odieman:
GREEN IS THE COLOUR
FOOTBALL IS THE GAME
WE’RE ALL TOGETHER
AND WINNING IS OUR AIM
SO CHEER US ON FOR THE GREEN AND WHITE
SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS IS OUR NAME!
[Season starts in 6 weeks - buy your Rider tickets!!]
On his first day in Alaska, a man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he wants to become a “citizen of Alaska.”
The bartender tells him he has to do three things:
- Chug a fifth of whiskey.
- Kill a polar bear.
- Screw an Eskimo girl.
The man tells the bartender he’ll do it, and orders the fifth of whiskey. He chugs it, and staggers out the door. Four hours later, he staggers back in, ragged, clothes torn, bloody, one arm hanging at a strange angle, most of his teeth gone, an eye swollen shut. He walks up to the bartender and says, “Now, where’s that Eskimo girl I’m supposed to kill?”
Rider Pride! I’m a transplanted Saskatonian with a special place in my heart for the Riders, since I was born in Moose Jaw the day they won the Grey Cup in 1966 (my dad wanted to name me “Regina” ::shudder::).
Okay, Saskatchewan jokes - why did the gopher cross the road? To prove it could be done.
Why don’t Mennonites have sex standing up? Cause it might lead to dancing.
Not bad, The Mermaid, but I confess I’m a bit disappointed. I thought you were going to entertain us by running over another small animal! 
hi, featherlou.
You always hear about the sports fan father who has a “great idea for the baby’s name” - lucky your mom put her foot down, or else you could have been one of Seinfeld’s girlfriends! :eek:
Um - whats a Rider?
Guess this song I’ve had in my head all morning…
Ok, heres the situation
My parents went away on a weeks vacation
And, they left the keys to the brand new porshe
Would they mind? um, well of course not
I’ll just take it for a little spin,
Maybe show it off to a couple of friends.
I’ll just cruise around the neighborhood,
Well maybe I shouldn’t, yeah of course I should.
Yes, I did that from memory only. Unfortunately, if you need more lines, I can provide those too. Uuuuggghhhh! Everytime I hear someone say “ok, heres the situation” I start singing this song in my head. Depending on who I am with, they may be lucky enough to hear me sing it out loud. (I’m so very sorry!) 
So, are you still bored Odie? I’m hoping today is going better for you honey! 
Do you want me to do the Snoopy dance for you?
Just for the record, I only kill airborne animals; land mammals aren’t much sport but since I aim to please just tell me where you’re located and I’ll drive by round 2:30 or so and see what I can do.
WHAT’S A RIDER???!!
callie, it pains me to realise that there are people out there who live in ignorance of Rider-dom. However, this is the Straight Dope, so here is one more chance to spread enlightenment!
The Saskatchewan Roughriders are a football team in the CFL (Canadian Football League). Now, that bare statement really does not explain them, or their national significance. It barely scratches the surface.
Although they have only won the Grey Cup twice (Grey Cup - like the Superbowl, but more important), they have a fan base that approaches cult following. Rider fans have two distinguishing characteristics: they are insanely loyal to their team (notwithstanding the “two Grey Cups in a century” stat) and they are overwhelmingly, terminally, … nice. (Even when drunk.)
Since Odieman lives in Saskatchewan, and only an hour and a half from the temple of the Rider cult, Taylor Field, I thought he would appreciate “Green is the Colour,” which is one of the traditional Rider songs. (There are others, but I usually can’t remember the words unless I’m half corked.) The Rider colours are Green and White, you see, and the fans wear, well, green and white.
As well, since one of Saskatchewan’s biggest exports is its people, Rider fans are probably more widely dispersed than the fans of any other CFL team - so whenever the Riders are on the road, there is always a large turn-out of Rider fans. (Wearing green and white, of course.) The Riders thus have a substantial national following.
And then, there is Gainer the Gopher - who cannot be explained, only appreciated - a gopher with attitude!
I realise that this bare sketch really only begins to explain the phenomenon that is the Riders (“two Grey Cups in a century” aside), but I hope it leads you to further questioning about Rider-dom, until ultimately you are intiated into the cult at Taylor Field.
Come, join us - resistance is futile!
“Either amuse me, or lose me.
I’m getting hungry… Peel me a grape” - Diana Kraal
Ok… so there’s this Ogre. And he’s booting a trid. Getting his kicks out of kicking a trid.
A Rabbi in a hurry going past notices this, and thinks it’s just not nice, but doesn’t have time to do anything.
Next morning, he sees the same thing, but alas is also hurried.
A third time, the Rabbi is very incensed. He he walks over and kicks the Ogre.
The Ogre looks at the Rabbi incredulously and says…
Wait for it…
“Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for trids!”
Ginger
This may only amuse you, Odie, but here it goes:
[Miss Piggy ON]
[ul][li] When you are in love with someone you want to be near him all the time, except when you are out buying things and charging them to him.[/li][li] Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and in some cases it may be necessary to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.[/li][li] When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.[/li][li] Only time can heal your broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.[/li][li] When the going gets rough, you are obviously in the wrong place.[/ul][/li][Miss Piggy OFF]
