I feel like posting a stupid joke

I’m sick with a cold, depressed, etc. So I’m posting a stupid joke.

There is a lovely place inhabited by a race of Little People called Trids. Every day they climb to the top of a hill and dance. That’s what the Trids like to do; dance happily on top of the hill. Unfortunately, a giant moves onto the top of the hill. Every day, the Trids climb to the top of the hill to dance, and every day the giant kicks them down.

The Trids decide to get a Holy Man to get rid of the giant. They finally get a rabbi to come to their aid. They all go up the hill, and the giant kicks them all down again – except for the rabbi, whom the giant leaves alone. The next day the same scene is play out; the Trids and the rabbi climb the hill to dance, and the giant kicks all but the rabbi down the hill again. The third day, the same thing happens.

The rabbi goes to the giant and says, 'Every day, we climb the hill; and every day, you kick all of the Trids to the bottom. But you never kick me down the hill. Why not?

‘Silly rabbi,’ says the giant. ‘Kicks are for Trids!’

Sometime in the mid-20th century, the great soviet patriot Rudolf is walking along the streets of Moscow with his beloved Olga. The weather turns precipitous, and sleet falls from the sky.

“Look, it’s raining, my love.” exclaims the devoutly communist Rudolf.

“No, no, Rudolf, it’s snow.” chirps Olga.

“Tut, tut! it’s rain, my sweet.” insists Rudolf, the most loyal worker of the People’s Party.

“You silly man. You don’t know the difference between rain & snow!” chides Olga.

At this, he stops dead in his tracks, puffs himself up, and states:

“Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!”

My chess team won a championship once, and we got too loud about it in the hotel afterwards.
The manager told us off, saying he couldn’t stand …

wait for it

chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

Why didn’t the skelleton go to the ball?

Because he had nobody (no body) to go with!

Q: Where are dinosaurs big, green and bumpy?

A: Because if they were small, white and round, they’d be a Tic Tac!

Why do they put fences around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in!

Two fish are in a tank and one turns to the other and says:

Do you know how to drive this thing?
*cue drum rip

During the '60s, LIFE magazine had a correspondent named Clarence Ree. He was on a fairly dangerous assignment in South East Asia, attempting to interview some Viet Kong, when he disappeared. The editors were very concerned.

The magazine hired a private detective to try to track down what had happened to Clarence. Given what he’d been working on, they had little hope of finding him alive, but they felt they needed to know as much as possible about his death.

The detective was a very determined fellow. He spend over 18 months trying to find the missing reporter. He spoke to people on both sides of the conflict, but no one seemed to be able to offer any leads. Finally, the detective is sitting in a bar on the outskirts of Saigon, trying to think of anything he hasn’t tried yet. He’s just about decided to return to the States and tell LIFE that the job is hopeless.

But then the detective glances around the barroom, and realizes the drunk in the corner looks familiar. He looks like he’s been on the sauce for the whole year and a half, but it is undoubtedly the guy the detective was sent to track down.

The triumphant gumshoe shouts across the barroom,

Oh, Mister Ree of LIFE, at last I’ve found you!

I’ve always loved these stupid jokes with the way-too-long setup. I’d tell you the one about the snail that bought a Caddilac, but I don’t have time to drag it out as far as it deserves.

What do you call a sexy spy with holes in her hands?

Stigmata Hari

Gal to phyciatrist: Last night I dreamt I was a muffler.

Shrink: And why was that a problem?

Gal: Well, when I woke up I was exhausted.

Rene Descartes is sitting in a bar, and the bartender comes up to him and asks if he wants another.

He replies “Thank you, no, I think not”

At which point he vanishes in a puff of smoke.

The Butcher Dance.

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a
documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single
native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up
in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned
beer.

He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his
project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the “Butcher Dance.”

The guy’s a bit confused and says “Butcher Dance? What’s that?”

“What? You no see Butcher Dance?”

“No, I’ve never heard of it.”

“Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see
Butcher Dance?”

“Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you
mean?”

“No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than
corroborree.”

“Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?”

“Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher
Dance.”

“Look, I’ve been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest
darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances.
Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance.”

“OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive
197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126
miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here
you gotta leave car, coz much to rough for driving. You strike out due west
into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this
creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky
mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head
south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains. Pass very
difficult, very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass.
When through, head north-west for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft
high and shaped like man’s head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and
you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance.”

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a
couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state
and he’s forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn’t reach the
tree until dusk and he’s forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high
and he’s excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious
dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he
has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for
another two until they reach the rocky mountains.

The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits
are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass
through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life’s
dream. The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide
said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment
through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they
finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low
and their feet are covered with blisters but they steel themselves and head
out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually stagger
into the village where the natives feed them and and give them fresh water
and they begin to feel like new men. Once he’s recovered enough, the guy
goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there
Butcher Dance.

“Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late.
You miss dance.”

“Well, when do you hold the next dance?”

“Not 'til next year.”

“Well, I’ve come all this way. Couldn’t you just hold an extra dance for
me, tonight?”

“No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more,
gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you
come back next year.” The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but
to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss
out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to
spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to
ensure he is present to witness it.

However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains that year have
turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles,

finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on
foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the creek and the
mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the
mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days,
during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside
until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous
paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the
crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey to
the rock and then the village enormously. Eventually, having lost all sense
of how long they have been travelling, they stagger into the village at
about 12:00 noon.

“The Butcher Dance!” gasps the guy. “Please don’t tell me I’m too late!”

The chief recognizes him and says “No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed
tonight. You come just in time.”

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spend the rest of the afternoon setting
up their equipment - preparing to capture the night’s ritual on celluloid
As dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and
adorn themselves in all manner of bird’s feathers and animal skins. Once
darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around
a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened
old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters
the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man,
figures the guy and he whispers to the chief “What’s he doing?”

“Hush” whispers the chief. “You first white man ever to see most sacred of
our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the
dreamworld watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance
and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us
and protect us for another year.”

The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he removes
himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums
booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring
rhythm. The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the moment
himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has
not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm
and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming
voice, starts to sing: “You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm
out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about”

(This is my favourite.)

The leading Talmudic scholar of the United Kingdom is to be knighted for his services to Jewish scholarship in Britain. Now, when you are knighted, you must kneel before the Queen and recite a complicated passage in Latin swearing fealty to her and her heirs and successors.

The saintly Reb, unfortunately, suffers intensely from stage fright. So he devotes long hours for weeks on end to ensuring he has this Latin passage completely from memory, so that he can whip it off at a moment’s notice.

When the day comes, however, and he’s standing in Buckingham Palace among all the noble lords and bejewelled ladies, he begins to sweat, and becomes more and more nervous as each successive knight is created. Finally, it’s his turn, and when he kneels before the Queen, he opens his mouth to speak – and can’t remember a word of the passage! He’s completely paralyzed with nervousness.

In panic, he snatches at the first foreign language phrase he can remember: a Hebrew portion of the Passover service.

Confused at hearing this passage instead of the usual Latin vow, the Queen turns to her advisor and asks,

“Why is this knight different from all other knights?”

Baggins111, that was the Queen Bitch of Shaggy Dogs. Well done!

Have any of y’all ever seen Stevie Wonders house?

He hasn’t either

Two Carbon atoms are walking sown the road when one of them pats himself down and stops to look around at his tracks.

“What’s wrong?”, asks the other.

“I think I lost an electron back there!”, laments the first.

“Are you sure?”, queries his companion?

“Yeah… I’m positive!”

So, this guy opens his front door one day to find a snail sitting in front of the door. The guy winds up and kicks the snail off the front porch and some distance into the front yard, before setting out for the day.

Fast forward to eight months later, when the guy is sitting in front of his fireplace reading a newspaper, when he hears a knock on the door. Opening it, he is surprised to see nothing at all, until he looks down, and discovers a snail looking up at him, who promptly asks: “What the fuck was that about?”

I asked the baker for his opinion on what made a good bread, and he told me that he thought that the bun was the lowest form of wheat.

Two French Legionnaires in the desert; they had been separated from their unit and were completely lost. They had been wandering for several days without food and water, and were nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them.

Naturally, they can’t believe their eyes and think it’s a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders’ cries, and they eventually reach the market and realise that it’s really there. So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, “Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?”

The stallholder shook his head and replied “I’m sorry, legionnaire, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands.”

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, “Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water.”

The stallholder looked at them embarressed, and confessed “Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me…all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundereds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there,” he said, pointing out the glace cherry. “I cannot help you.”

The legionnaires look at each other in desparation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, “Look, we need water or we’ll die. We’ve been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?” The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, “Sorry, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can’t help you.”

The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands. Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, “That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands.”

The other turned to face his companion and replied,

“Yes, it was a trifle bazaar”

I’ve told this one before, but its really bad, so please don’t hit me or throw things at me.
Once upon a time there was a green man, who lived in a green house. One fine green day, he got up out of his green bed, and wandered into his green bathroom, turned on his green shower, and had a shower, using his green soap and green shampoo. Whilst he was in the shower, he heard a knock at his green front door, so putting a green towel around his naked green waist, he went to answer the green door. Standing at the door was the green man’s next door neighbour, who wanted to borrow a cup of sugar. The green man said that he would go and get some for the neighbour, but at that point a huge gust of wind tore the green man’s towel from around his waist.

The neighbour was horrified, screamed and ran out of the green man’s garden, onto the street, and straight into the middle of the road, where she was promptly knocked over by a bus, and died.

The moral of the story:

Don’t cross the road whilst the green man’s flashing