Hey Dopers!
I need a real bomb of a joke. Something cheesy and stupid that no one should really laugh at. Something similar to the old “Why did the chicken cross the road?” deal.
Anyone got a “good” one they could share?
You: Ask me if I’m a truck.
Victim: Uhh, Are you a truck?
You: NO!
Warning: reactions greatly vary!
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
It didn’t have the guts
How come the restaurant on the moon failed?
It lacked atmosphere.
Why did the lady name her kids Larry, Curly, and David?
Because she didn’t want no Moe.
Did you hear about the fly that went into a cows auditory canals and came out of its milk?
Classic case of going in one ear and out the utter.
What coffee did they serve on the Titanic?
Sanka
Don’t even try to test me, I have a billion of these.
BTW, I meant “udder” not “utter.” I should really try previewing things. For your trouble…
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first monkey
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, Monkey do.
Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
I protest. I think this is a terrific joke.
When I joined the Army in 1989, the first night in basic I was in my bunk in a big modular tent. Seven of us were sleeping in this tent (this is a big metal-frame tent, like in MAS*H) and we’re up late telling jokes. One great joke after another just rolls along until finally John Burke unloaded the monkey joke. His delivery was impeccable. I fell off my bed, I was laughing so hard.
Another similar gag:
Q: How do you stop a clown from smiling?
A: Hit him in the face with an axe.
Here’s one…It’s a long one AND a bomb!!!
Sam Clam and Larry Lobster live at the bottom of the ocean…they have a great life just dancing away every day and just enjoying their friendship…but theres a problem, Sam Clam is kind of a jerk. Always pushing other sea creatures around…not nice to anybody except Larry Lobster.
So, one day there’s a freak accident, Larry Lobster and Sam Clam get caught in a dolphin net or something and they both die. Larry Lobster goes to heaven, and Sam Clam gets sent down below to hell. A few weeks go by and the God asks Larry Lobster if he’s enjoying himself. He says, “Yeah, it’s really nice up here, I’m really loving this place…things are going great…I’m starting harp lessons next week and I just closed the mortgage on a new cloud…everything’s great, but, there’s just one thing wrong…I wonder about my friend Sam Clam all the time!!! And I want to know he’s doing good.” So, God tells Larry that he can go visit Sam Clam for one day. But he warns him that if he does not make it back to the elevator by 12:00 midnight, he will have to spend eternity in hell.
So, Larry Lobster is happy as heck and he right away grabs his harp and his wings and heads for the elevator. He gets down to hell and finds Sam Clam waiting for him at the door. (He had received a telegram about Larry’s visit) Right away Larry Lobster asks Sam Clam how it has been in hell. And Sam Clam tells Larry, “You know. It’s not that bad. We’re allowed to do all kinds of things down here that you would never expect. I even own my own Disco! You gotta come down with us tonight and I will introduce you around!!!” So that evening Larry grabs his wings and his harp and he and Sam go to the disco, and they have a blast!!! Larry is dancing with all kinds of ladies…snapping his claws to the music…he’s drinking and meeting all of Sam Clams friends but then he loses track of time!!! When he looks at his watch he sees that it is 5 minutes to midnight!!! So he tells Sam Clam goodbye and off he runs to the elevator! He barely makes it in! With a sigh of relief from Larry, the elevator operator starts to close the door! Larry’s eyes become like saucers and he reaches for the closing doors and yells: "WAIT!!! I left my harp in Sam Clams Disco!!!"
I told you it was a bomb!!!
Blame my girlfriend for this one, not poor scratch. She knew this guy who told this joke over and over and he would laugh hilariously at his own wit.
A priest, a rabbi, and a gay guy walk into a bar. The barkeeper looks up and says:
"GET OUT!!!"
[sub]I apologize beforehand for this…[/sub]
These are all great! Thank you. This is just the kind of “material” I was looking for. I have to give a speech on Friday and I want to open it with a real “groaner” of a joke. 
Here are two links to previous “dumb joke” threads:
another long one:
Dale Evans was an impecable housekeeper. Roy Rogers **had to leave his trademark cowboy boots on the front porch and wear only fancy calfskin loafers in the house. For Christmas one year, she bought him a new pair of the loafers, and set them out on the back porch for Roy to put on.
She heard a racket, and imagine her surprise, shock and dismay when she saw a Mountain Lion on the back porch with the loafers in it’s mouth. She screamed and the beast ran away.
Roy put up chase, many hours later, he returned, with a dead Mountain Lion across Triggers’ back. Dale said
“Pardon me Roy, but is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?”
–Eddie Dean, Stephen King’s The Wastelands
Damn you RickJay, you made me laugh out loud!
More groaners:
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
A corollary to that is: what’s the difference between roast beef and blow pops?
There was an old and ancient kingdom, ruled by the tyrranical King Coal. He was mean, and fierce, but he was also fat. He loved to eat. The only thing was that he was very finicky about what he ate. So much so that he had killed the last five royal chefs.
Hiring out for a new one was a lengthy process. No one wanted to die. Then one day a fresh young man sauntered into the king’s palace and announced that he would prepare such a simple dish for the King, that he couldn’t help but fall in love with it on the first bite. Naturally, King Coal was skeptical, but he allowed the man to prepare the food.
Served on an exquisite set of gold rimmed china, the young chef handed the King a plate of his creation. The king took it by the hand and ate a small bite. His eyes lit up. “This is fantastic!” he screamed. “What’s in it?”
The chef shrugged and said “Nothing much. Some shredded lettuce, a bit of mayonaise, some carrots I found out back, and few seseme seeds.”
“Wonderful. Great. Spectacular. I hereby order, from now until forever, that everyone will eat this dish at every meal.”
From that day forward, his decree became known far and wide as King Coal’s Law.
Begging Enderw23 for more…
the lamest, most pathetic joke I know:
Yesterday it was so hot…
(pause for audience participation: “how hot was it?”)
It was so hot I saw a cow lying on its back giving itself a shower!
ba-dum-bum-crash!
It was high noon and the dusty mining town was quiet. The occational tumbleweed skittered across the rutted track that served as the main road. A small dog limped into town from the direction of the mountains, and through the doors of the saloon. He looked half dead, his fur was matted and tangled, and a tattered bandage was badly knotted around a one of his road-worn paws. The bartender looked at the sorry little pup, and slid a whisky across the bar to him.
“So, what brings you to town, stranger?”
The dog shook back his ears and put his wounded foot on the bar for the bartender to see.
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
I feel kinda bad just taking jokes without giving any in return, so here it goes.
There is this bar located right in the middle of a bunch of race tracks. All the horses head on over at the end of the day to put a few back and tell some stories.
At one table, four horses from different tracks are relaxing over a beer. The first horse puts down his drink and says “You know what happened to me today? I was running in the fourth race today. And during the race, I got this massive pain in my right rear leg. I wanted to get that race over with so quickly so I could get some treatment that I ran fast enough to win the race.”
Second horse puts down his drink and says “That’s pretty interesting. I was running in the fourth race at my track and I also got a massive pain in my right rear leg. Made me run so fast that I won the race.”
The third horse puts down his drink and says “That’s amazing! I was running in the fourth race today at my track. I got a massive pain in my right rear leg that made me run so fast I won the race!”
The fourth horse puts down his drink and says “Whoa! You guys aren’t going to believe this but I too was running in the fourth race at my track. I got a massive pain in my right rear leg. It made me run so fast I won the race.”
During this conversation, a greyhound dog walks into the bar and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. Takes his drink over to the table with the four horses and says “You know, I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation. Just thought I’d let you know that I was running in the fourth race today and I got a massive pain in my right rear leg and it made me run so fast, I won the race.”
The dog drinks his drink and walks out of the bar.
The whole bar is now deathly silent. No one makes a sound. Finally after a few minutes, the first horse says “Holy s**t, a talking dog!”
Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week…
How do you get six elephants into a Safeway bag?
Take the “S” out of “Safe” and the “F” out of “Way”
Once, deep in the jungle, there lived a tribe who lived in grass huts.
The place was an Eden, fruit grew on every tree and nobody wanted for anything.
They were a simple people and their greatest joy was to give thanks to their tribal chief once a year by presenting him with a throne, each more ostentatious than the last.
Thing was, he was getting on a bit in years and he had rather a lot of thrones, in fact he’d pretty much run out of space in his royal grass hut so it became a perplexing puzzle for him and the elders when the most gorgeous beautiful golden throne was presented to him.
So magnificent was this throne that it put all the others to shame.
Eventually it was decreed that this throne was so grand it should be the only one visible in the Great Throne Room.
They made a second level above the Great Throne Room and popped the other decidedly dowdy thrones up there.
You can imagine that this was not a strong structure and one terrible day the upper floor of the grass hut gave in, sadly killing the Chief.
The village elders got together to decide what this must mean, they had a great meeting and hammered it out.
This is what they learned.
People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
This thread has a whole bunch of jokes in it.
I posted this on another site for “favorite jokes” and since I can have a really dumb sense of humor, this falls into both categories:
Q: What’s green and has wheels?
A: Grass. I was just kiddin about the wheels. 