Need a Good

Be careful, if y’all are slow like me. It takes a few minutes and the joke teller to beat it into one head until you understand it. Ask Zero Hero. He made fun of me for that one.

Can’t think of any jokes, its been too long of a day.

The fifth grade teacher is in the middle of teaching a unit on fables and myths; the class has learned Aesop’s fables, stuff like that.

One day she says, “Okay, let’s do something different. I’d like you to think about something that happened to you or a member of your family, and tell it to the class as a fable, and tell us what the moral of your story is.”

Little Kim raises her hand and says she has a story. “My family owns a chicken farm and once we were going to bring lots of eggs to the market. So we put them in a basket in the truck and drove into town, but my Dad hit a bump in the road and the basket fell over and most of the eggs broke. The moral is, don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”

“Very good,” says the teacher, “Anyone else?”

Says little Billy, “My family owns chickens, too. And once we took a dozen eggs from the chickens we were going to hatch into chicks. And we promised a lot of the chicks to other people. But then only five hatched. The moral is, don’t count your chickens before that hatch!”

“Excellent!” says the teacher. “Anyone else?”

Little Timmy raises his hand and begins to spin his yarn.

"My Uncle Theodore was a fighter pilot in the Vietnam War, and one day he was over Haiphong when his Phantom was shot down by a missile. He bailed out, and as he drifted down in his parachute, he only had three things with him - a machine gun, a machete, and a 66-ounce bottle of Jack Daniels’. And as he floated down, he drank the whooooole bottle of whiskey.

“When he landed he landed right in the middle of a hundred North Vietnamese soldiers. So, he shot sixty of them with his machine gun! But then he ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete, and he hacked thirty of them to peices! But then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands!!!”

“Oh, my God,” says the teacher, “that’s a horrible story! There’s no moral to that!”

“Sure there is!” says Timmy. “Don’t fuck with Uncle Ted when he’s drunk!”

Y’know, I thought about correcting the title of this thread, but then I said to myself,“That would only encourage the Bozoes and Bozoettes!” :wink:

This guy goes to prison and on his first night he is sitting on his bunk talking to his cell-mate about prison life. After the guards turn the lights out the cell-mate says “This is when we get to have some fun… just wait…”

From down the cell block he hears a voice call out “twenty seven!” and the entire cell block echoes with peals of laughter. Just as soon as the laughter dies down another voice calls out “seventy three!” and again the prisoners laugh heartily. This goes on for a bit with numbers being shouted and laughter from everyone so the guy asks his cell-mate what is going on…the cell-mate explains that since most of the guys here have been locked up for long periods they decided to number all the jokes. The new guy asks if he can try, his cell-mate suggests forty three as that is a favourite…

So the new con leans towards the bars and calls out “forty three!”

Nothing happens.

He trys again by yelling “forty three!!!”

Again nothing happens so he asks his cell-mate what the problem is. The cell mate answers, “Well, you know what they say… there are people who can tell a joke and those who can’t”.

A man walks into a bar and says ‘Ouch.’


A priest, a rabbi, and a gay guy walk into a bar and the bartender says ‘This has to be a joke.’


A piece of string goes into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says ‘We don’t serve string here.’

The piece of string comes back later and asks for a drink. THe bartender tells him ‘I told you, we don’t serve string here!’

The piece of string goes outside, loops around itself and unravels both it’s ends. It goes into the bar again and the bartender says ‘Aren’t you the same piece of string I ran out of here twice already?’ and the string says ‘No, I’m a frayed knot.’

what do you call a frog who’s parked his car for to long?
toad.

How do you get a witch pregnant?

You fuck her.
(I’m really sorry…I’ve had a long night.)

I apologise in advance for the lameness of these:

How do you get 1000 pikachu on a bus?
You poke em on!

A guy walks into a bar.
Ouch!

:tiptoes softly away, before anyone notices:

If you want one like that…
A group of eskimos were on a boat in the middle of the Arctic Ocean. It was the middle of the winter and it was very cold, so they decided to build a fire. They gathered wood and placed into the center of the boat and lit it. They were all nice an toasty warm until the fire burnt throught the boat and it sank and they all died. The moral of this story: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Hey, I get it, there is no “f” in "way. There is no f-ing way. Haha. I feel so smart now.

This one’s better. A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
Ow Ow Oy.

Q: What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
A: Doug.

Q: What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
A: Douglas.

Ba-dum, tissssh!

I’ve told these before, but…

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on a wall?

Art.

…in the water?

Bob.

…in a lion’s cage?

Claude.

…on the floor?

Matt.

…on a baseball field?

Second base.

…a guy who’s been buried for fifty years?

Pete.

…a guy with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.

Also…

What does a 150-pound canary say?

CHIRP!