I feel like posting a stupid joke

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Clarence was going to the local single’s dance. It was a big deal for him. He’d lost one eye, and being of very modest means, his fake one was made of wood not glass. And it wasn’t a very convincing fake. He was shy and very self-conscious about his wood eye and people often stopped and stared. And sometimes people even made fun of him, pointing and laughing.

But, he summoned his courage and went to the dance.

He stood alone in a corner afraid to speak to anyone. Then across the room he spied another wallflower. A girl with a severe harelip. She looked shy and alone too. She was sitting in a chair, and no one was asking her to dance. She looked miserable.

“Well surely,” thought Clarence, “of all people, that girl wouldn’t refuse a request to dance.”

So he gallantly crossed the room and asked:

“Would you like to dance?”

Incredulous and overcome, she gasped, “Would I? Would I?”

And he barked back “Harelip! Harelip!”

22

Two peanuts were walking down the road, one was assaulted.

23

Two dogs were doing it right next to the railroad tracks, with the deaf male’s tail on top of one of the rails. A train comes before the dog does and slices off his tail and carries it down the track, out of sight. When he finishes, he races down the track to look for it. He sniffs around the rails and doesn’t hear another train approach and it decapitates him.

Moral: Don’t lose your head over a piece of tail.

24

Back in the days of ancient Rome the favorite hobby of the people was berry picking.

One day Herman the Roman found the most perfect, round, and beautiful berry that anyone had ever seen. Everyone wanted to see the berry, so Herman started selling tickets to see the berry. Herman made so much money that he could buy a big house and marry. As a wedding present he gave his new wife title to the berry. Together, in the new house, they set visiting hours to see the berry and admire it.

Late one night there’s a big pounding on the door. Herman goes to the door and hollers that visiting hours are over for the day. But the pounding continues, so Herman opens the door and there is a big party of armed men. In a quavering voice Herman tries to tell them to come back and admire the berry tomorrow.

The response?

“We’ve come to sieze 'er berry, not to praise it!”

25

How do you find a Belgian at an orgy?

He’s the one f*cking his wife.

26

I’m so slow. I don’t get it. Please help!

And are “hundreds and thousands” some weird British code for sprinkles?

27

‘I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.’

I don’t know what ‘hundreds and thousands’ are, and I haven’t tried making a trifle yet.

28

*Hundreds and thousands * are those little, multi-coloured, sugary, sprinkly things that you put on top of cakes. When they’re put onto buttered bread, you get “fairy bread”, a favourite at children’s parties.

29

One of my favorites:

In one Indian tribe the Chief that named the babies was getting on up in years. He had been naming the babies for so long that about 80% of the tribe had been named by him.

One day a soon-to-be brave came to The Naming Chief’s lodge and asked to talk. The Chief invited him in and asked what was on his mind. The young man said, "You have been naming our people for many years. My father was named by you as were his brothers. Me and my brothers and perhaps hundreds more, yet no two have the same name.

How do you come up with these names?" The Naming Chief said, "I do not name these babies myself. They are named by the Great Spirit. You see, when a baby is about to be born, the other chiefs and the father of the child all gather in my lodge to smoke some stuff and consult with the Great Spirit. As soon as we receive word the baby has been born, I look out the flap of my lodge to see what the Great Spirit shows me. If he shows me snow gently falling, that baby’s name is ‘Snow Gently Falling’, if he shows me a hawk in the sky, that baby’s name is ‘Hawk In The Sky’.

But tell me, why does this interest you, Two Dogs Fucking?"

30

I’m too lazy to post the whole joke, how about punchlines:

Why the long face?

You have a drink named Irving?

It’s your turn in the barrel.

We usually we just ride the camel into town.

$25, Father, same as in town.

31

What do you call something that’s brown and sticky?

a stick

32

Vic and Mikey do everything together: go to movies, pick up chicks, etc. One day at the beach, Mikey noticed that Vic was surrounded by women, whereas he, Mikey, was all alone. He furthermore realized that Vic was always surrounded by women, whereas he, Mikey, was all alone. So Mikey asked Vic what his secret was, and Vic replied that, before going to the beach, it was his practice to put a potato in his Speedos.

“A potato?” asked Mikey.
“A potato,” assured Vic.
“In my Speedos?” insisted Mikey.
"in your Speedos, repeated Vic.

Mikey was delighted to have learned the secret, and the very next weekend he joined Vic at the beach, potato in place. And, as usual, Vic was surrounded by women, whereas he, Mikey, was all alone.

So Mikey got a little pissed, and he confronted Vic. One might even say he turned on him.
“Yo, Vic,” said Mikey, “Why is it that even with your valuable ‘secret,’ you, Vic, are always surrounded by women, whereas I, Mikey, am alone?”

“Mikey,” replied Vic, “you gotta put the potato in the front.”

33

Thanks much for the info, Jonny L.A and Cunctator. 'Preciate it.

And one more to go out on:

A man walks into a bar. What does he say?

Ouch!

34

Geek joke: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a bannana? elephant bannana sin(theta)

35

It’s the silliest thing, without doubt.
The folks outside don’t want to get in,
And the folks inside can’t get out!

36

Knock Knock!
Who’s There?
Little Old Lady.
Little Old Lady Who?

I didn’t know you could yodel.

I owe that joke to Coldfire.

37

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?

Nothing–you can’t cross a vector and a scalar