You misunderstand - that’s why you need me! I* translate * that crap. 
Meerkats?! :eek:
WHERE?!!!
I love meerkats. You can’t have just one, though. You hafta have a flock of’em. Actually, I think it’s properly a “gang” of meerkats. I’ve seen one at the Vancouver Zoo. Cute little begger, but awful lonely looking.
Hey, ArrMatey, define “monkey”. Capuchins might be okay, or spider monkeys, but no marmosets! One of the worst critters I ever knew was an Evil Marmoset named Velvet. Her idea of fun was standing up against the bars and peeing at people - and boy could she pee! Couple feet, at least! ( :smack: “wipe” )
Pretty impressive, for a girl!
Can I be your Smarmy, Unctuous Second Banana Who Is Actually Conniving To Dethrone You, Possibly Through Violence, And Rule In Your Stead?
I also like the titles Grand Vizier and Vice-President - no! Junior Vice-President!
Aha! As per this thread, I have figured out my niche: I am a master duster!
Brooms? Feather dusters? Pledge and rags? I can do it. Matter of fact, I am a master housekeeper, having been trained under the watchful eye of an evil stepmother and her daughters, and missed many a ball because of it.
I can bake, too. And cook.
And still filter any 1337 junk that comes your way. As shown above, I am quite proficient at it, however much it digusts me.
Gee, I didn’t realize you wanted real skills!
I guess it’s one of the reasons I haven’t worked very much this millenium.
Well, you’re in Cleveland, according to the location line, so I don’t think I would be very welcome there.
Staff researcher. I read threads, so you don’t have to. Ask me anything.
Also iPod manager. My iPod.
Obviously you can’t have just one Minister of Redundancy Minister, so I would like to offer my services as the other one.
Ok then.
I’d like to apply for the position of, “Director of Empty Promises”.
I swear to you that as director of this esteemed position I will treat my suboordinates with respect, consistantly run my department ontime and under budget, and increase profits by %500.
Like there was doubt that would be the outcome, Horshack.
Now that I’m officially Emeritus, I guess I’ll retire immediately and take my full benefits package. It was wonderful working here.
I’m sure I could make myself useful. Have you filled the position of pencil sharpener? How about snarky, arrogant techie?
I also make really good coffee.
You’ll need an official Morning Smoother Outer.
My duties would include:
- Making sure Winston Smith has an adequate supply of coffee for you to wake up to.
- Ensuring that your alarm goes off in a peaceful, non-buzzy sort of way.
- Having the shower/bath water pre-warmed.
- Breakfast. ( I make a mean bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios)
OK, I see that no-one has had the foresight to apply as Zombie Master. When the zombies come (and they will come; oh, yes they will), you’re going to need someone in your household who will be able to handle ‘em like they need to be handled. And, frankly, like to be handled. Nobody handles zombies like Ol’ Uncle Lacha, over here. I’m yer man. Vote for me, 2006!
Thank you.
I don’t see any listings for Telephone Sanitizers either…
i can bring my patented “Mossberg 500” telephone sanitizer device, one blast from it, and you’ll never have to worry about dirty telephones again…
here, let me give you a free demo…
<ring>
<Ka-CHUNK…BLAM!>
<ri…>
there, nice and clean, don’t have to worry about nasty viruses on that phone…
anyone else have a phone they need “sanitized” (racks slide)
Here’s how I herd small animals. See those nice, neat little rows? That takes real talent! You can see more examples of my herding skills here.
I just got a box of Joseph Schmidt truffles–half-price! Love those after-Christmas sales. Come on over any time and have a truffle.
Anastaseon, when you’re done dusting kittenblue’s place, could you come over here and help me dust? I haven’t dusted for a while, and it’s starting to get kinda scary. I think the dust bunnies are plotting to attack me while I’m sleeping. :eek:
Can I be the weird middle-aged gun guy with all the Vietnam War paraphenalia around his cubicle and the staring problem?
Talk about job security!!
Yes, they are kitties, and they stampede every night at 11 pm. Up the stairs, around the computer desk, into the bathroom, back out into son’s room, in one door of my room and out the other, down the stairs, back up the stairs…every single freakin’ night. It may take all three of you (fine, zoogirl
you’re in) to manage this herd. The fish are easy.
Winston I’m sorry, but I don’t drink coffee. But we do have tons of dust, so Anastasaeon, I guess we’ve found a spot for you. And Q.E.D. if I hire you, maybe my son will move out! Since **Bernard Marx ** caught an obvious oversight, he has proved himself to be indispensable. And despite the coffee problem, I feel my mornings could use some smoothing out, **Mr. Bus Guy **.
Appears all of the cat-herding positions have been taken. I was busy with the squeakers. Let’s see… I guess I’m useless. Please don’t tell Mr. SCL.
Kitties? Oh, that’s fine! I have three of my own. Hmmm… the 11:00 Stampede…lessee…ah, got it!
(Goes off to pack up sachets of SooperDrooper Finest-Kind Catnip and Muscle Relaxant. One whiff of this stuff and the kitties will be helpless masses of purring fur for hours. 
)
Uhm, hello? I seem to be a bit late.
shakes custard out of his ear
I would like to apply for the position of semi-official Cat Of All Trades. If it’s not too much bother, of course. Not that I care. Caring would be soo uncat-like. But I will meow softly and have a deep resonant purrrrrrr. I give excellent leg-rubs for food, and promise not to scratch up the furniture too much.
Well, I won’t scratch the ugly couch in the corner, with the Guy Sitting On The Couch, Drinking Beer And Watching Football on it. I’ll just use that when I need to cough up a hairball and think to myself “I hope I can make it to the couch?”
Can’t you just herd the dust bunnies into the bin? Not much of a small animal herder, are you?
I’d like to apply for the position of Head Wench. All your Wenchly duties fufilled. I’ll keep your pirates happy, your bars swabbed and your beer flowing. Ribald humor and sarcasm a specialty. No corset too tight.