Growing up, my dad was never super affectionate but he wasn’t completely cold either. As the only daughter, I got a bit more affection from him than my brothers, though it tapered off as I became an adult. In the past 15 years or so, I can’t recall him ever hugging me or even patting me on the back or anything. As he’s grown older, he’s gotten much more affectionate with his grandkids than he ever was with us. The adult kids still get about the same treatment as before but the grandkids get spoiled rotten (as is to be expected). It never really bothered me until I started noticing something. He’s super affectionate with my sister in law. Joking around with her, giving her hugs, just being all around nice and friendly with her. This developed within the last few years, as I assume he’s finally growing comfortable enough around her to do these things. But every time I see it, I just get so jealous it’s ridiculous. I’ve mentioned it in passing to my mom who thinks I’m being ridiculous as well, but I can’t seem to stop feeling like I do. I’d never say anything to him directly though, so I guess I just need to deal with it.
Is she hot?
If yes, then, well … yeah.
Yeah, is she hot?
Sometimes parents have an easier time dealing with people who aren’t their kids, though. Try talking to him about it.
Well…I guess? I mean yeah she’s attractive but I wouldn’t say like model level. More like, mom of four kids who’s kept herself up moderately well and tries to be attractive? I don’t want to even consider that might be the reason though…I don’t like thinking about my dad like that 
Again, some parents have an easier time showing affection for children that aren’t theirs.
The obvious questions: Are you an affectionate person in general? Do you try to initiate affection with your father? And if so, how does he respond?
If he’s enthusiastically happy to see her it might simply be because be because they share a certain take on the world, and enjoy each others company. Maybe they are kinda sorta mental buddies on some level. Sometimes you just click with people.
I love my kids and would do anything I could to help them, but I’m their dad not their hug buddy. My relationship with them is both different and far more fundamental than with my “Hail fellow, well met” friends. I am probably more effusive (meet and greet wise) with my friends than my kids. I would die for my kids, but there is level of reserve many parents maintain (especially dads) with their kids, even when thier kids are grown.
It’s probably this. Some people feel that their responsibility as parents requires them to maintain a sense of authority around their children. They feel they can’t relax because they’re always on duty as parents. Even when their children are adults, the habit of always being on the job has become automatic.
So they can only relax with grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or other surrogate children. They don’t feel a sense of parental responsibility for these children so they feel they can just enjoy the relationship without worrying about the consequences of being indulgent.
So look at it this way: he’s treating you the way he thinks a father should treat a daughter and he isn’t treating your sister-in-law that way.
Some people are taught that the only time you touch someone is if you have a sexual interest in them. Thus, your dad touching you would violate that dictum. Your dad not touching you may be more indicative of a deep-seated fear of coming across as incestuous towards you, rather than being a rejection of you.
Does your dad touch your brother(s)? If he does, ask him to touch you in the same way he touches them (and under the same circumstances). If he’s not comfortable with that, ask him if you can start by shaking hands as a greeting when you arrive for a visit. If he is (or becomes) comfortable with this level of touching, you may be able to build up to pats on the shoulder. Keep in mind that if, when you ask him about showing you physical affection, he seems annoyed, he may actually be embarrassed or flustered.
It doesn’t sound ridiculous to me. I’m neither a guy nor a dad, but the comments about how hot your sister-in-law seem completely off the wall to me - that’s not where my mind went at all. What I thought of was that you and your dad might be victims of our super-over-reactive society, where a dad can’t hug his daughter without worrying about accusations of bad touching. The same doesn’t apply with an adult daughter-in-law.
I think Little Nemo might be onto something too, that you dad will always see you as a daughter, but he can see his daughter-in-law as a friend.
No, I’m not. But not because I don’t want to be. I have really serious self image problems and so I can never seek out affection on my own. I guess that might have something to do with it. Even though I crave it, I never can initiate it.
The ideas about it being because he sees her more as a friend than a daughter makes sense. It doesn’t really make it easier for me to watch but it does make sense. FTR, my sister-in-law doesn’t really reciprocate and sometimes seems a bit uncomfortable with it herself. But she came from a family situation where that would make sense.
Maybe you could look for ways that your dad shows affection for you other than hugs and pats on the back - does he help you with your car? Does he ask how your day went? Does he show interest in your life?
Moved MPSIMS --> IMHO.
I can’t help thinking it’s a, ‘give what you want to get’, situation.
You want your Dad to be more casual, open and affectionate with you, which is great! Maybe you have to start by being all these things to him.