I'm just a fart machine!

It’s embarrassing, really. If I eat the bad stuff, I issue forth silent but oh so deadly farts. If I eat good foot, they don’t smell at all but the resulting triumphant blat could rouse a dead person from the grave.

It’s not that it’s anything new, but I’m noticing it more because I am working on eating better food. So yesterday when I ate two packets of the high fiber oatmeal, I’d be sitting in my office, feel the urge and delicately lift one cheek, only to blush furiously and hope like hell no one is walking by. (I also sat hoping madly that no one would come into the bathroom a few hours later, but that’s another lieu story.)

So what’s worse? The loud non-toxic farts? The silent poisonous ones? I actually think they’re about the same in terms of embarrassment. Since I have my own office, if anyone hears or smells anything, obviously there’s no doubt as to the identity of the guilty culprit.

Mundane? Yes. Pointless? Definitely. Stuff I Must Share? TMI, of course, but yes. If anyone wants to add some stories so at least I won’t feel alone.

And I won’t work for nobody but you!

do you have cites to back your assertions? otherwise i think you are just blowing hot air at us…

Don’t eat too much fiber, or you may get more than you bargained for!

Have you tried eating bad feet?

I think I see the problem…

The loud ones are more embarrassing, because people can pinpoint their source. In the right company, and well-timed, they can be comedy gold. The silent smelly farts can more easily be blamed on others. Not that I would ever do such a thing.

I once ate an egg salad sandwich on brown and a bowl of broccoli/cauliflower soup for lunch. Not a recommended combination for the faint of heart. I was helpless. There was nothing I could do to hold them in. It was pretty horrible, even for me, and I find this stuff incredibly funny. Noxious as heck and hung around for a while. The cat didn’t seem to mind, though.

When I lived with my last boyfriend, we had one of those old tubs with the claw feet. It only served to amplify the sound and was funny as heck.

FOOD! If I eat good FOOD! :smack:

Foot is what I’m eating right now, apparently, as I seem to have thrust it firmly into my mouth. And it’s really nasty, lemme tell ya.

I won’t try to add any of my own trombone-in-the-pants stories but I have read that your body’s ability to deal with the newly introduced fiber in your diet will get better with practice. The extent to which that happens probably varies pretty widely, though. There’s also Beano…

Yay a fart thread! Farts are funny. If anyone says otherwise they are lying. I’m still mortified though if I’m caught.

You need a dog to be your accomplice in your office.

Tell people who come in and who immediately assume the What Died From An Intestinal Disease In Here look, “Sorry about that, but poor old Flatus here has a digestive problem and the vet said I had to feed him his pills every hour. It’s a nuisance but, hey, sniff, sniff, I think he just let another one go. Wow; that one was more rancid than usual, but what can I do? You know I do love my dog. You love dogs, too, don’t you? You know, the acoustics in this office are strange. Sometimes it seems his farts are coming from somewhere else, like this side of my desk. Whoa! Did you hear that one? Damn, Flatus, you’re just one big windmill, aren’t you?”

The cat was just humoring you. :stuck_out_tongue:

After some of the odors this little monster creates, he owes me a little understanding. I swear (seriously) that he farts sometimes, too. He’ll be curled up beside me, have a nice long leg stretch, sigh happily and then…

I like to dutch-oven the cats. They don’t seem to mind so much.

I find it funny that I come across this thread while taking a break from trying to fall asleep. I can’t sleep because I can’t stop farting. I’m not sure exactly what about it is keeping me up, but it’s a mixture of the mounting pressure and the reverberation. I farted 3 or 4 times while typing this.

I’d go with the good food (or foot, as you prefer) during foggy weather. You can make extra money as a foghorn…

Cat farts are like a brick to the face. What makes it worse is that right after, they look at you as if to say, “Did I do something wrong?”

One of my dogs loves nothing better than to crawl up beside me in bed, lie on his back with his butt aimed toward my face, go to sleep, and start farting. He, too, is a fart machine, but one with the most innocent face. Unfortunately, his smell bad. So were I to follow movingfinger’s suggestion and bring him to work with me, my office would be filled with both noisy and smelly farts. 'Tis a combination devoutly to be avoided.

You’re probably all farted out by now but for future reference I highly recommend Phazyme whenever gas is really bad, especially with a build up of pressure that makes you feel like you are going to explode in a gaseous fireball.

Never trust a fart.

Could be the impostor.

You know, everyone always says that you eventually get used to the increased fiber from healthy eating, but I think that’s a load of hooey.

I’ve been eating healthy for YEARS, and I’m still prone to lots and lots of gas. I’m a great time at parties!