Would a brace of pints work?
I say, old bean, what an appallingly uncivilized state of affairs! One hardly knows where to cast one’s gaze first—the crumpled bonnet or the windscreen that’s been dashed to smithereens? A spanner, you say? Heavens above, are we now brutes? And to think—not even so much as a nibble of crumpet or a drop of tea to brace oneself—utterly uncouth behavior, I tell you! As for hoovering, well, let the dust lie where it may until the realm pulls itself together. I rather think a fortifying drop of sherry at the club is the only sensible course. Better still, ring for Chaz the butler and have him ready the Bentley—we’re off to Fortnum’s, and hang the riffraff.
I’ve been watching Downton Abbey.
Depends on you mean by work. A commonly used expression- No. Fit right into mmm’s parody- yeah, why not?
A couple of swift jars wouldn’t go amiss.
You’re assuming @Mean_Mr.Mustard deserves respect. We certainly don’t respect him. Hell, he probably doesn’t even respect himself as an Englishman. 
That’s a low blow, innit, when you bloody well know I’m knackered, mate.
mmm
Hey, I’m willing to give him the benefit. Seems like a reasonably decent bloke to me…
Cheers.
Mean Mister Mustard? Bleedin’ legend, 'e is. Grumpier than a toad in a teapot, that one, but ‘e’s got a heart o’ gold buried under all that grizzle, like a diamond hid in a dog’s breakfast and softer than a jelly in a jellied eel shop. Sure, 'e moans like a broken kettle, but deep down he’s all apples and pears—proper stand-up gent, that one, no lie! You can keep yer silver spoon types—I’d share me jammy dodger with Mustard any day, I would!
Yeah. I suspect I got that from Wodehouse.
Put down your mobile and watch the beeb on your telly.
If I put down my mobile, how can I ring you up. luv? Or maybe you’re just being cheeky. If that’s the case, sod off.
mmm
In all seriousness, I’ve noticed a significant increase in the number of Americans using the phrase “hoover up” lately.
Why ring 'er up when you can knock 'er up?
I’ve not heard that, but I have noticed a definite increase in “no worries” in place of “you’re welcome”.
mmm
AFAIC, “chunder” (mentioned above) and “no worries” are Aussie expressions.
It is interesting to see how many ‘social lubricant’ phrases differ even between very similar language traditions.
For example, if you bump into someone by accident in the US, I think the usual apology is “excuse me”. While in the UK it would usually be “Sorry”.
In the UK “excuse me” is usually a polite way of saying, “would you mind, you’re rather in the way, could you move a bit”?
As for ‘your welcome’, that seems to be a US idiom? In the UK a transaction is complete when the exchange has been done and the provider has been thanked. No more needs to be said.
And “no worries” seems to be an Aussie ideom, though it seems fairly well understood these days.
Countries divided by a common language, as the saying goes…
Sodding Wanker!
I believe “no worries” is Aussie as well, but I do hear it on the British shows I watch.
mmm
I watch a youtube channel called “Old Classic Car”. Its host is an Englishman who goes about to classic car shows throughout England and takes and posts videos of cool old Triumphs, Sunbeams, Anglias, etc.
He’s now used a term a couple of times which I’ve never heard before and it’s going to be hard not to add it to my speech: “Oh, isn’t that a right bobby-dazzler!”