Depends on who’s doing the looking. 
Look, it’s true some people want relief, but I think a large number people also want some feedback about their rant, which can take the form of support or contention. Sometimes someone disagreeing with your position may cause you to think about something you haven’t considered, maybe not. YMMV.
do you want kids?
Most definitely. I accept that in part the disagreement with your view is part of what makes this a cathartic experience. But I fail to see how some of the vicious, sometimes unwarranted attacks that I see in the pit are supposed to help the OPs. I would rather take the OP’ words at face value in absence of more information.
Some posters have even called their moms “bitch” in the OP, I can only think :eek: That does not mean that they don’t love, respect and adore them. Only that they are mad, and exagerate to get rid of the feeling. There have been occasions when I have found some words very disturbing, in those occasions I rather err on the side of caution and either wait for more info from the OP or ask for it.
Of course I have disagreed with some rants, mostly the lame ones (there was an OP complaining that an unpaid site didn’t update often enough for his taste, for example). When it comes to matters of relationships I tread carefully, I generally find that NOT being nice/respectful to people doesn’t make me appear smarter or superior than them.
And no. I am not referring to anyone in particular in this thread. It was just a slight hijack. I wish the OP the best and hope things work out for everybody involved.
Depends on who’s doing the looking.
Look, it’s true some people want relief, but I think a large number people also want some feedback about their rant, which can take the form of support or contention. Sometimes someone disagreeing with your position may cause you to think about something you haven’t considered, maybe not. YMMV.
Oops, sorry about the double post folks.
Not in the least.
As for the reason people come here, I can’t speak to the motivations of others, but when I post some ranting thing full of bile, what I really want is to vent my guts out and at most get a pat on the back and someone saying “I hear ya dude. It’s OK.”
I suspect a lot of people want an anonymous place to vent it all out, to express their anger in a safe direction, and to get a little support by having someone else say they get it.
I doubt people come here to vent a frustration so that they can be called an asshole. Then again, there are masochists in the world.
I agree with you, catsix. But perhaps it might be better if people tried to convey in their OP what they are looking for. A phrase at the end, like, ‘any input is appreciated’, or ‘I’m not looking for advice, just a friendly ear to listen to me scream’.
This wasy, people reading the thread are not left guessing and or arguing about the OP was after. JMHO.
P.S. I hope things work out for you and djf750
sorry, i love kids, but i do like her attitude
Re: the virulence of vunderbob’s OP as regards his wife:
I’m confident that (particularly since he mentioned counseling in his follow-up post) he has a much better relationship with her than one would read out of the OP. This is the Pit, for crying out loud; he was venting.
Barb has different priorities than I do on many issues – from an objective view, sometimes wiser and sometimes not. If I get frustrated with her, I go talk things through with my son Chris, sometimes venting at him about her, and then, armed with good advice (because he loves us both) on how to cope with the situation, come back and we work things through.
My suspicion is that vunderbob used the Pit as a way to let out his frustrations at his wife’s “spending compulsion” (whether that’s technically accurate psychologically or not) after hearing a harangue from her on what she wants to spend the money on that violates his promise to his mother as to what he should do with it. (And I too am sorry to hear of your mother’s death, vunderbob.)
A question: apparently her frustration with the size of the house, which you conceded is too small and cramped for you, is a contributing factor. Might it be possible to work out a compromise where you either put on an addition, convert basement or attic areas to additional living space, or buy a somewhat larger place using the increased equity on your present house without seriously dipping into your inheritance?
As a recipient of a rather large inheritence, the answer is: Yes, they are entitled to a cut of the inheritence if the beneficiary acts as if any portion the money is in a common pool.
Some examples
… Using the money to buy a house, and both spouses sign the closing papers.
… If the non-beneficiary makes decisions as to how some of the money is spent.
We got quite a lecture as to how to keep the assets separate, including some do’s/don’ts. AFAICT, all of us kids basically ignored the advice. Essentially, it boiled down to this: if you’re spouse can prove that s/he had decision-making authority any part of the inheritence, then they are entitled to their fair share of the money in case of divorce.
Tough world, ain’t it?
Damn. Let me re-word that:
“… if you’re spouse can prove that s/he had decision-making authority over any part of the inheritence, then they are entitled to their fair share of the whole inheritence in case of divorce.”
Yes, so I understand from Dinsdale’s and vunderbob’s posts.
It certainly is a tough old world. Caveat emptor and all that.
So did you get a divorce?
Married people do all sorts of things with their finances… not wrong, not right, just different.
I am the wage-earner in my home, Mrs. JohnT takes care of the Little Miss and the family matters. I hand my checks (or deposit them) in a joint checking account, and I receive an allowance of $60/week for my living expenses - gas, lunches, books, oil changes, video games, etc.
I spend no more than that - the idea of just writing a check out of our account for some fluff is so alien to me that I really don’t understand how people can just breezily spend $500 bucks on some new TV stuff (or whatever). I don’t even have a credit card, so there’s no issues on that front.
That is how we live. It works for us, but I don’t know a single couple that do the things the way we do them. Frankly, when I tell other people that I limit my personal expenditures to $60/week they can’t handle it, telling me that it’s ok to spend more money and “go enjoy yourself”.
Are you talking to me? No, I didn’t get a divorce - I adore my wife, and she, me.
Sorry, that “so did you get a divorce” question sounds stupid sitting there all by itself.
I was going to explain why I asked, but on preview I see that you’ve answered the question. 
I see nothing wrong with doing whatever works. My hubby and I each have our own accounts and a joint savings. I pay all the household bills and he pays for stuff like the mortgage for the cottage, groceries, entertainment. He shoots me a few bucks if I’m short and vice versa. We tease each other about making dumb expenditures but don’t really fight over money. We make what we have work and try not to live beyond our means. I wouldn’t know any other way to do it, really.
He has inherited some money and has spent it pretty much on whatever he liked. If he decides to commingle it, I’d have no problem handing it back to him in the event of a divorce. But it’s not hundreds of thousands of dollars so it wouldn’t be that hard to do.
IMO, an inheritance should be used however the beneficiary sees fit, it’s their money no matter what the law says. If they see fit to commingle it, then, so be it.
This sounds familiar. I let my wife handle the financial affairs in my house, but every time I came into some money (I got app. $30,000 in stock options and bonuses each year) she would have it spent immediately, sometimes before the check even showed up, and most of it was on unnecessary things - framed prints, home decoration, etc. I would have plans and she would agree with them, i.e. pay off the car when we got the money, buy a new one, but the money would always get spent on other stuff before we got a chance. Then, after we split up, I found out I had huge (well, huge for me) credit card debts, and that she had stopped paying most of the bills around the time she decided she was moving out (a few months before letting me know), apparently to save up money for her new apartment.
I had common friends who warned me that she was financially irresponsible, but I was in love and could see no wrong in her, at least at first. When I did get the first hints that maybe she shouldn’t be handling the finances, she blew up at me when I suggested letting me handle the checkbook for a while, and it got the intended effect - I stopped asking. Now I’m 30, living with my Mom, and planning to declare bankruptcy.
Yes, it was supposed to be a vent. There is a lot of baggage rolled up in that that I’ve barely hinted at here.
As far as the house is concerned, part of the reason the current one is too small is the same spending habit problem. She compulsively buys sewing stuff; so much so that I built a 9X12 shed in the back yard, and it’s stuffed full of cloth, embroidery floss, and skeins of yarn. And then I catch hell from her if I go to the hobby shop to buy a train magazine…:rolleyes:
The reference to the shoebox in the student ghetto is just that. My aim is to divest myself of this current house so I can go to grad school. There is no way I can pay down a mortgage or handle the maintenance on ANY house I own on a TA’s salary and schedule.
This doesn’t seem to me to be all that much different from the original complaint. She want to use the money to buy a bigger house, apparently not caring that he wants to go to grad school.He wants to use the money to go to grad school, apparently not caring that it will mean a change in her living circumstances that she’s not happy about. (and if she wants a bigger house now, she certainly won’t be happy with a shoebox in the student ghetto).
and vunderbob,
(don’t feel you have to answer, just a thought I want to toss out to you)
I know you said earlier that your wife knew about your promise to your mother. But when did she know it, before or after? I know that if my husband made a promise to his mother that was going to change my life either without discussing it with me first or knowing I would be against it, he would be lucky if all I did was try to talk him into breaking the promise. I forgave him once (13 years ago) for making a promise* to his mother (and keeping it) without considering me, the incident still bothers me and I won’t forgive him for doing it again.
Kezermezer ~ silly!
Back then we didn’t have ATM cards.
I don’t think any two couples run their money management the same. And that’s ok. Like a lot of folks, I think “whatever works” for you is good.
To me, the disturbing part here is the lack of respect the wife is showing to the husband about the spending of the money. I’ve had a husband who was like that. One day he calls me from the truck dealership and announces he’s bringing a new truck home. Out of the blue. OTOH my sweety’s ex wife was like Bob’s wife seems to be: she relentlessly bought things and bought things with reckless disregard for the amount of money that was in the bank (or rather, not in the bank). At one point she was checking out at the store, having spent some ungodly sum, with a mutual friend. Friend says: “You know Joe doesn’t make that kind of money !!” " Ex: “He’d better go out and make some more, then.”
The point is, not whether women are worse about money management, or whether men are, because that won’t wash. People are people, and people are different.
However. If Bob does not get much relief in the respect department as he is going through counseling, I suggest he retain a divorce lawyer. I don’t see where his wife would be the victimif they live in the grad school ghetto for a few years while he gets his degree. It’s called sucking it up and doing what you have to do to invest in your future. I’d certainly do it. Heck, I have done it.
**In Conceivable **-
I have never called my husband a name like “greedy” or “lazy” to other people
So are you saying that your husband is lazy and greedy but you would just never tell people?